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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2273179&page=1I'm moving this weekend. I found a condo 8 min away from my job in a great area. The place is perfect for me and my children.
I felt because it's pretty official now that I needed to share the news with my H. So I called him today to tell him and I could tell he was pretty dang shocked. I'm moving 45 min away from where he currently lives. Poses a little bit of a problem when having to take the kids to school. So he said, I guess this changes things a bit. Meaning he's now going to have to look for places to live more down South where I'm going to be. I asked him if he was looking for places with OW and he said yes.
I immediately went into crazy jks mode and started sharing with him the spiritual feelings I have been having about our R lately. He said, he can't go there right now because he doesn't feel the same way about it anymore. I felt so sad for him that he has lost it so completely. So sad. He also mentioned that he wants to just get this done (meaning the D) and wants it to go as smoothly as possible. He doesn't want to fight over things. So he told me I could take anything I needed from our storage unit.
I really did not DB well. I asked him why he told me the things he did (meaning when he wanted to end things with OW) and then ignored me for weeks and weeks on end. He said, to avoid having conversations like this. I said, so basically I don't deserve to know what's going on? I have never once heard anything from you about what you're doing or what your plans are unless I come to you. That is a bit ridiculous.
I realize now that I should have validated where he was coming from and why he doesn't feel safe talking to me. He continues to keep avoiding me because he doesn't want me to keep rehashing the past. And I don't necessarily want to rehash the past. I just feel like I've been going through so much and I've learned so much and he's naturally the one I want to share those things with. It's frustrating to have to keep it all in when I see him.
But at the same time I'm kind of glad I had this conversation with him today because it really made me realize that I continually want him to be a man that I once had. That man doesn't exist anymore. I want the old H, not the new. So I'm not really losing my H per se, I'm just losing the shell of a man that was my H. I lost MY H a long time ago.
I'm excited to move and finally get settled. I'm excited to move on. I know there's happiness out there for me. I'm excited to be with a man that shares my same views on life and will love and cherish me as a woman.
I'm loving my job and the people I work with ROCK!! Seriously, some of the coolest people I have ever met. I'm so happy when I'm there and I really do forget about the craziness of my life. And my boss has already told me, we're here to help. Anything you need, let me know. I'm feeling good. Things are falling into place. Not necessarily how I would have envisioned and I may come back totally depressed in a couple weeks but right now I'm feeling good.
Sometimes our path takes strange twists and turns that lead us to places we would never have arrived at otherwise.
Stop looking back at him and keep looking forward.
i am excited for you jks. a brand new start. like labug said, keep looking forward.
i believe in you ((()))
Hope the move goes smoothly for you this weekend! Have fun setting up the new place!
Hello friends!! Wow, it's been a while huh??
I moved!! Best thing I could have ever done for myself. I love my job!! The people are amazing and it feels so good to belong to something. I love my new place!! I can tell the kids love it too. It feels like home. I'm still in the process of getting settled but I'm loving it more and more everyday. The first time I had my S4 after I had moved in and his room was put together (his old bed and his old toys) he walked in his room and said, "Mom, this is incwedible!" The pure joy on his face was priceless. It proved to me that I made the right decision in moving where I did.
He told me he loves living here. And my D6 absolutely loves getting up every morning and getting ready for school. She gets to ride the bus now and eat school lunch so she is super big!! Ha!
As for H. He is continuing on his search in looking for a place with OW which is closer to me. I haven't seen or heard anything from him regarding filing for D. I have to limit how much I talk to him about his plan to move in with OW. It still tips me off a bit. It's like I'm living in a whole new world where no one I knew from my previous life exists anymore... except for my children. I look forward to each day and I feel like I have purpose.
I still miss my H. And I think he's crazy for letting me go. Really I do. We get a long really well now. Funny, huh. There's been a lot more texting in regards to our things in our storage units and getting my place set up and the kids with their schools, etc. And I know it has a lot to do with me. I'm not crazy, psycho JKS anymore. At least not very often... ha.
I'm still not completely ready to put myself out there as far as dating goes. In a way, I kinda just want that to happen as it happens. I don't want to go looking for dates. I know I will be blessed with a great person to share my life with one way or the other. I have complete faith in this and I'm happy to wait for the right time for it to come.
I just got internet set up in my place and so my viewing and posting here has been pretty non-existent. And to be honest... I'm going to try and keep it that way in the future because I've realized that my life is meant to be lived. And I was sucking a lot of my time away by sitting in front of my computer and dwelling on my sitch.
So happy I've had all of you to help me through this huge life changing event. Whenever people talk to me about how things are going and what I think about it... they always tell me, wow, you sound like you've really thought this through and you know exactly what you want. Which is absolutely true. I felt very lost for so many months and I'm finally feeling like I have direction. I credit a lot of my rational thinking and positive attitude to a lot of you who continually posted to me. It has helped me more than anything I ever did for myself over this last year.
My 9 year wedding anniversary was on Aug 28 and you know what? I was maybe sad for a second or two and then I moved on with my day. I even happened to see H that day to pick up my kids from him and I didn't even remember about our anniversary. Obviously, it would be wonderful to celebrate all our years together but I'm ok that we're not. I'm celebrating a year of tremendous GROWTH!! I can't even believe I'm talking like this after everything I've been through and the things I still currently go through.
It still hurts to hear OW's name out of my kids' mouths. They still talk about her all the time. And I just have to tell them to stop now. I used to let them go on like normal and pretend it didn't bother me. But now I have to stop them because I have a bubble of happiness and for some odd reason, her name seems to pop it. So, yes, there are still a lot of things that trigger emotions for me. That is why moving as far away as I did was the greatest thing for me because I've gotten rid of a lot of those triggers.
When I see my H, I still get nervous in the moments leading up to it. I kinda wish those feelings would go away and I know one day they will.
Overall, I'm happy! I feel good. I'm making amazing new friends. My kids are happy. And apparently I'm getting divorced... LOL. But, when? I have no idea. I will not be filing so we'll see how he decides to handle it.
I've missed you all.
congratulations, jks! great things are coming your way!
i, too, credit this forum for getting me through this past year. it's the support group we don't have in the "outside" world and it's made all the difference in my life.
you sound so happpy and confident! what a change a sense of purpose can make for one, huh? i'm so happy for you!
((()))
Glad your new job & home are working out so well. You're walking a good path. And very wise about living life vs. sitting in front of a screen.
JKS!!! I am so happy to read your news!!!!!! its so wonderful to read and i am so happy your kids are happy! please stay in touch and let us know your news.
in the meantime, will be thinking of you and lots of love
(((( ))))
jks, you sound great. I'm happy for you. Life does go on, doesn't it?
Start your new chapter of life, the pen is in your hand.
\
D may take a few years, so prepare yourself.
You sound fantastic! I'm so happy for you that you're enjoying this transition. Loving your place, loving your job etc.
It's funny how you find yourself slipping into this:
I immediately went into crazy jks mode and started sharing with him the spiritual feelings I have been having about our R lately. He said, he can't go there right now because he doesn't feel the same way about it anymore.
I did that previously I think it's habit. And he would do it too. It's because emotionally you're so used to sharing everything but don't beat yourself up over it. and I don't think you have. Keep going! happy for you!
I want to feel loved again. Weird? It's been a while. I saw my H today and I get that feeling of a family for about 5-10 min and then it's gone. We are so nice and normal to each other. It makes me walk away scratching my head every time. Sometimes I wish he was a jerk to me so I would lose all of that feeling of love for him.
As my kids and I were driving in the car to meet him today they told me that they hate going back and forth, back and forth. And why can't daddy just come live with us? I said, that's a question to ask him. Not me.
Nights are lonely without my kids here. And actually even when they are here, I miss that adult interaction of going over our day with each other and just hanging out. Sometimes I really can't believe this is it.
My mom's H was telling me today that he can't get over the fact that my H has this W that is so willing to still try and make it work even after everything he's done. And he doesn't see any value in that. It just blows his mind because so many wives would be gone so long ago. Why can't I just completely let it go?
I know. Because my family and commitment mean more to me than anything in this whole world. If I look at my H and feel nothing then I know that there's nothing more to fight for. But I still look at him and I still feel it and I still desire to be a family again. But I do know that there are great guys all over. Finding single ones is the hard part. Especially single guys who are willing to take on a responsibility of three small children.
Sometimes I don't understand why my H got it so easy... He has someone that in his mind is perfect for him in every way. She was willing to leave her H for him. She's willing to raise his children with him. She's willing to move where ever he needs to be close to his kids.
I cannot believe I've lost my H so quickly over the last year. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy. Just lonely. And when the loneliness kicks in I tend to miss my H even more. I have zero prospects and I know it's going to be difficult. Really difficult. So I don't look forward to it because I know I'll have to learn to trust another man all over again. And I thought I could trust my H with my life. This is going to be a huge struggle for me to overcome.
I don't want to be one of those dates that dwells on past relationships. But in a way... the only thing I know and have had my focus on for the past year is my relationship with my H. Now my mind is more on my work. But how interesting is that? Ha.
For GAL I'm trying to save my money up to get a season pass to a ski resort this winter. My only wish is that I had someone to get it with so we could go on a regular basis together. I guess that will be my goal. To find a friend that would be willing to do that with me. I'd love to get a lot better at skiing and to get out every week and do something extremely active like that would be amazing.
Just some ramblings tonight before I go to bed.
The comments by ur mom's H don't help. I know they mean well but they just put you in self-pity mode. And you're so much more than that! Remember!!! You have 3 little ones that need mom to be their ROCK! Imagine you're the female version of "the Rock" everytime you miss Hs presence.
It's ok to miss him. I did for a while but as time goes on you start to enjoy not having him around. This sounded really sad to me before but now I see it. For example. H always watches TV before going to bed. I hated that. Now things are super calm before bed. I love it.
Don't get me wrong, I still want him back but I need to enjoy what's around me in the meantime.
BTW: H never has the kids overnite but sometimes I wish he did so I could get a break. Enjoy your break!
Sometimes I don't understand why my H got it so easy... He has someone that in his mind is perfect for him in every way.
I had that feeling! And I remember feeling jealous not of him but that he had a relationship and I didn't.
But....the time spent alone, learning about ourselves and about the M will pay off exponentially. And I know my STBXH doesn't feel good deep down in having had help in the transition. not standing on his own two feet etc. And she's insecure and jealous because it began so soon after our S. Your H's relationship will have the same insecurities because they were both M when they met.
It is tough and I can't imagine having little ones too. Glad you're getting a break. I love the ski pass idea. Who knows you could make friends there and then make plans to meet up. I have been making plans with girls more often and that I barely know a lot more. I have more of a why not attitude and it's fun!
I said, that's a question to ask him. Not me.
JKS, I know this is extremely painful but try not to put the kids in the middle of this emotionally. Here's where I think a good family therapist can help is how to answer that question for them without directing them back to your H.
I think your skiing plan is a great one! It sure makes me feel better.
Accuray
Today has been a day of non-stop crying. H finally found a place and is moving in with OW. This is really happening.
I'm sooo sorry you're going through this. Remember to breathe and not add any heavy stuff on your plate for the next few days. BY that I mean: Don't be around people that will be negative and send into another downward spiral.
I felt the same the day H moved out. Although he didn't leave with OW, I was so hurt because I had put a timeline on the separation and was sure we would reconcile before May of this year.
Spoil yourself rotten. I'm sending you many many warm fuzzies!
((((((((((((((((((jks)))))))))))))))
i am so so sorry. i hope that you will call some friends and family to help you through this. i know it feels like the heart can not possibly heal from this, but then i read the posts of all the vets here and i know it can.
((((((((((((jks))))))))))))
you will get through this too. Stay calm. i know this is a kick in the gut. i feel it with you. remember though, in terms of where YOU are, YOU are in a good place. you have a started a new life, your kids are happy...this is simply a change in proximity for now.
love you jks...
Thank you ladies. I feel like I'm having an outer body experience. I don't feel like myself at all. H officially moved in with OW today. And will be taking the kids tomorrow. So now the kids will know that daddy is living with another woman and is still married to mommy.
My mind is all over the place. I don't know what to think. This is the biggest nightmare I could ever experience. And I can't just crawl in a whole and die like I want to right now. I have to continue to be happy and unphased by this as I continue to see him.
That is the worst part. Because nothing I say matters or is going to change anything. I want to be ok, I'm just really not right now.
As I've gone through my day today, I've just gone through the motions. Just a never-ending sickness to my stomach. He is so far ahead of me in moving forward. I need to get unstuck. I'm holding on to a R that isn't going to happen. This is the truth.
Moving on feels a little impossible right now. I miss him so much and yet I'm so angry with him for doing this.
Hi jks - I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine, because when my h merely suggested ow and my s meeting I thought i was going to die.
I can only offer you what helped me and hope that it can help you too
Just tell yourself to let it go. Literally lean into it and embrace it completely - not agree with it but just god's will.
It's really hard - but the more you fight it the more you will suffer. and when you suffer, then you cannot use your head, then only your emotions are at the top and then you are not taking care of yourself as you truly need to.
actually when i just said, it's ok, my biggest fear is here and i am just going to be okay with it, what's the worst that can happen - i found that it was not as bad as i thought it would feel. jks - i didn't have to actually go through with experiencing it, because my h brought it up and there was time to work with it. but i think that with you if you just tell yourself that this is NOT your worst fear - and i am sure your actual worst fears are much much different from this - this is just your worst fear in this sitch
to accept that it may happen, i had to understand and see that my s was not going to be irreparably damaged if he met ow. face your fear here and see what is behind it. even them moving in together is just part of the script, in a way.
right now, the ONLY important thing is what are YOU going to do about this? when you let go and let god, when you let go and let the universe - only then can good things happen for you - you have to allow that for yourself now.
give yourself that gift - give yourself the gift of imagining what is really good for you. give yourself the gift of saying i can see the forest (my life, ME, what i truly need) instead of looking at the tangled trees (him and ow). make their relationship irrelevant to YOU.
make jks relevant.
I've got a couple of lists on my current thread - if you can go read them - there's one about the 10 things you have to do in order to let go - just start doing them. come over to the goals thread and i'll help you make a list of goals to keep you focused.
now you have to focus - away - to other things and setting some goals will give you a tiny little nudge of encouragement for yourself. you will feel yourself taking tiny steps and that will help you focus and help you feel better.if you can't get to making all this irrelevant, then ACT AS IF you are feeling like that and i promise you before you know it you will feel it.
now will you come sit on the blanket with us, and we'll help you drop the rope, and feed you lot's of booze and i'll bring your favorite dessert, if you tell me what it is
. you won't feel lonely there because we will all be with you and help you through this
I read today that when you start having faith in yourself, then others begin to have faith in you.
do you have faith in yourself, jks? can you feel it? can you feel the faith that no matter what life gives you, you can handle it? i really really have come to believe that life only hands us stuff when we are ready to deal with it. and when we first get it, we panic because we don't trust that we can handle it.
here is where the trust in yourself has to come to the surface - just tell yourself all day long - "I trust that I can handle this. I trust that i am strong enough to support my babies through this. I trust that i am strong enough to face this"
one thing i didn't notice was whether you and your h prepared your kids for this transition in anyway before they go there tomorrow. if he hasn't, i hope that you will.
jks - i'm around for a bit tonight so if you need someone to talk to i'm here and elsewhere
be kind and gentle to yourself now, and for the coming days - and trust that these strong emotions will pass.
((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))
zig
I have been contemplating all night how I can get the money to file. I'm ready. Seriously ready. If I could go do it tomorrow... I would.
Zig gave you some great advice. What do you plan to do with her advice? I'm curious.
jks (((( ))))
i may be wrong but it seems this is still a decision coming out of a lot of emotion ...a lot of hurt.
i know you are in pain....however, if this is your decision, IMHO i would suggest to sit on it for awhile.
Like zig said, H and OW are irrelevant right now. this is about YOU and your children. and no one else.
Love you jks..hope you are doing better today (((( ))))
I agree with zig.
I also had a hard time dealing with "family" I didn't want my kids to go through this horrible process.
You're young and have great kids, dont waste your time on someone who doesn't value your friendship/
Life is short, find someone who wants to be with you for who you are.
but i think that with you if you just tell yourself that this is NOT your worst fear - and i am sure your actual worst fears are much much different from this - this is just your worst fear in this sitch
This actually has always been my worst fear. My H used to ask me what's your hopes, your dreams, your fears? My hope was to one day marry him. My dream was to spend the rest of my life with him. And my fear was losing him. These are still true today.
I am truly living my worst nightmare. I try to sleep and I dream about it and wake up emotionally exhausted and I think about it all day. I don't sleep well at all. I'm miserable right now.
When I saw H today, he could tell something was wrong and he asked me what was up... I just sat there for a minute, thinking. After a while I just said, nothing, it doesn't matter. My eyes started watering and I immediately got in my car and left. I balled the entire way home and all I could think about is, I don't matter. Nothing I say matters. No one cares about what I think about this whole situation. It's just whatever my H wants. He gets everything he wants and I am left alone. I get the joy of hearing about all the wonderful things H and OW do for the kids and the new home that they got together. I don't know what else to say other than... I'm ready to be done with my life now.
I really have tried so hard to embrace this. I kept telling myself... this is how it's supposed to be. But if this is how it's supposed to be, then I am done. I have so much work to do and I can't bring myself to do any of it. I feel so paralyzed in this sadness.
These emotional cycles are killing me. I don't see a way out of it. I just see myself wanting to be married to him and wanting to work it out. I just feel so much that our family deserves that. I can't let go and it frustrates the hell out of me that I can't just let it all go.
H informed me that he's been trying to save up enough money to file. That is the reason he hasn't done anything yet. I'm just an afterthought now. Well, I pretty much have the life I want, just need to get rid of one last thing. Oh, yeah, the wife.
This is not a way to live a life. You can call me weak but I'm so tired of trying to be strong. I am triggered by this in everything I do. It's all around me. I can't escape it. And just when I think I'm going to be fine, it hits me all over again so hard and I start to fall.
jks, this is so terrible to read about. i've felt like that, too. it's agony, pure and simple. i'm so, so sorry for you. i feel your misery. i wish there were something i could say to make you feel better but i think we just have to get through it. we have to decide that it's really over and there's nothing more we can do.
that's the only way i could move forward.
get all your crying out and then start planning. you may not have a future as your H's wife but, you do have a future and you will be happy again.
xoxo
Jks what you are going through is agony. What your h is doing is dispicable. Most r
You're feeling very raw. After the rawness you will slowly heal. It's a vicious cycle. I completely understand how desperate you feel. You have absolutely no control. Nothing we say will help.
Find something you do have control of. For now start to obsess about it. Something that won't require too much damage control after.
Look up the most healing practices.
I think it's yoga, meditating and gardening are the top 3. Obsess over all 3 of them. Get the self esteem workbook on amazon.
Build jks back up again. Stop allowing others to tear her down. She's a phenomenal person!
We're all here for you. Many many hugs!!!
(Too bad my whole post above from my phone got wiped out).
Please know this is not you. No matter what you did you did not deserve this behavior from your H. He made a commitment to you when you exchanged vows that he has totally disregarded. He made a commitment to your children when he made them to stick it out with their mother.
Please find a support group at home either through church or a group like alanon. Sometimes our regular friends don't get it, reach out to a group that supports these kinds of sitchs.
We love you. You are blessed with 3 healthy beautiful children. There are many mothers out there struggling with sick children. count your blessings.
How are you doing?? I'm thinking of you JKS. You're in my thoughts n prayers.
Tonight I am doing just this. Feeling so much better. I had my first photo shoot in months today and it reminded me that I have a good life. I don't need a man to make me happy and what my H is doing is despicable and I truly believe he will be really sorry one day that he let me go. I have these dark moments and I have so many great people that help me snap out of it. Thank you all so much!
I really, really need to just keep myself busy. When I know I'm going to have some down time, I need to plan something and get out.
Also, H actually moving in with OW was killer. I couldn't believe he would actually do it. Something somewhere somehow is going to bite him in the butt and knock him off his feet someday. People do not do these types of things to other people (important people in their lives) and live blissfully happy forever after. It just doesn't work that way.
But honestly, I'm not focused on him anymore... at least not tonight. My focus is on me and my kids and my work. I have been blessed. This situation is just a huge stumbling block that I have to keep getting up from. But eventually it will be smaller. And I won't fall as hard.
How are you doing?? I'm thinking of you JKS. You're in my thoughts n prayers.
Thank you so much, vero. It means a lot and these posts really help me feel comforted. As you can see from my above post, I am doing well. My morning was rough but by the time I was able to get out and do my shoot, all my worries of H and what he is doing pretty much faded away. I then went to pick up my kids and decided to take my kids to get ice cream because my D6 got 120% on her spelling test. She has been struggling with reading and spelling and 120% is the highest score you can get so you can say I'm extremely proud of her. It was a good night.
I hope you are doing well.
Hi jks, I am happy to read your recent posts. You have picked yourself back up so quickly and found your PMA again. I know what H did is disgusting and beyond painful, but you shaped back into the wonderful mother and person you have worked so hard to become. You really are messed.
And i have to agree...i don't believe thats how happily ever after happens either....
Congratulations to D6!!!!!
(((( ))))
I had a great day today. I got so much work done and felt really productive. Went grocery shopping with D6 and we had fun together. I just now have finally put the kids to bed and can I just say, we had the best bonding moments tonight. I spoke to them about doing what's right and why mommy reminds them to continue to say their prayers. And why mommy prays every night. We also talked about Christmas and how I'd really like to take them to do some service for people that don't have as much as we do. My D6 said I would really like to do that, mommy.
Such a proud moment for me. She really does want to do what's right and be a good little girl. My S4, on the other hand, was struggling with the fact that he really just wanted to open presents. I told him that his Christmas would be wonderful no matter what but that this was just something I wanted to do as a family together. I told him he would feel so good being able to help other little children that don't get to have a really great Christmas like we do. And he said, ok.
I guess I'm sharing this because these are the types of things I always wanted to do while I was with H. And for some reason, we never did it together. I've hated Christmas over the years because I feel like it's so commercialized and it's all about getting and just having "things." More things to clutter our houses. I always wanted it to be about helping others and making our family feel closer. So this is my new tradition that I'm starting with my kids myself.
Even though the holidays can be a really crappy time for LBS's, I feel like this is a huge way to make it more about what's important and staying positive rather than focusing on the negative events that have transpired over the last year.
We laughed so much tonight together and D6 said, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much! I hope to have the strength to do this regularly with my kids. Being present for them and happy. This is what's important right now.
JKS this is such a great idea! I've also don't want my kids to lose the true meaning of Christmas. I had always envisioned it as a time to be with family and to give to others.
With a 4yo and a 1yo I'm going to come up with something. Thanks for the idea ;-)
That is a wonderful idea, JKS!! I'm going to think of a way to help others, too. Thank you so much!
Hi jks, wonderful post to read! And what a great idea you have for you and your children to start a beautiful tradition together. (((( ))))
Hope you are well.
(((JKS))) Great post to read. Step by step, you're getting to a better place that will become routine. Cherish each moment.
I'm not gonna lie... I get super depressed when my kids are gone. I just spent the night walking around outside balling my eyes out and finally sat on a curb for about 30 minutes, balling some more. Someone finally pulled over to see if I needed a ride and if I was ok.
I said, I'm fine, thanks. I'm so emotionally exhausted. I have to see H in the morning and I just want it to go quickly. I still try so hard to be happy and friendly when we exchange kids. The last time he had this big story from work that he wanted to tell me about work and it pretty much took me out of commission for hours afterward. He doesn't realize that the friend thing is torture. And I really don't want to hear about his life because I'm not a part of it anymore. But I just smile and say, cool.
I feel like a tortured soul. Just trying to stay above water and wishing that I could just drown.
well, maybe you can just tell him? you're not ready to listen to his life now. you don't mean to offend but it's better for you if you know less about him now. you may feel differently in the future but for now, you need to protect yourself from sadness and pain and hearing about things that are happening in his life, without sharing that life, are painful.
there's no shame or meanness in that.
no advice as I am so new to all this - 3 days ago my husband left, but just wanted to send a smile as I hear your pain and heartache. For me when I wake up at 3am in uncontrollable tears and that ache that just feels like it will never go away, I try to breathe, slowly and deeply and close my mind to the past and the future and say over and over again 'I am ok'. I know how hard it is to put a brave face on and pretend the whole friend this is ok when inside you feel like you are dying and fighting back the tears takes the most incredible effort. Stay strong, remember that everything, even this huge pain and sadness passes. In time you will feel better than you do now, whatever happens, you WILL feel better than this. Ride the storm, hold yourself tightly and keep swimming - say to yourself 'I refuse to sink!' Take care,
(((jks))) You don't have to be his friend. You can be friendly without being his friend. Tell him you don't want to hear his stories. My guess would be he's trying to normalize this as it makes it easier on him. It's not your job to make his life easier.
It is your job to keep busy while your kids are gone. Make plans to do something fun, that you'll look forward to. Take a class, go to a movie, volunteer somewhere.
You can do this.
((((( JKS)))))
you CAN do this. try to always plan something for yourself when its his time with the kids.
I completely understand about the friend thing. I find myself avoiding hearing about his life because its too painful. I don't want to know where he is or what he is doing because i only imagine it all with OW.
I am friendly, i don't think we are friends. i think a friendship in the future may be a place to start, but thats another long road. All we can do is be our best selves, protect ourselves and be the best US we can be in the face of our spouses.
I'm not gonna lie... I get super depressed when my kids are gone. I just spent the night walking around outside balling my eyes out and finally sat on a curb for about 30 minutes, balling some more. Someone finally pulled over to see if I needed a ride and if I was ok.
I am so sorry you're going through this!!! I really feel for you because it was just a couple of weeks ago that my W's first visitation started and I went through my first evening without my kids. The house was so utterly empty, I sat in the living room and cried my eyes out. What helped me was to get busy doing stuff, after I had a good cry I got up and went grocery shopping, then did what I could to stay occupied the rest of the evening. I don't know if you have any pets, but my little dog made sleeping in an empty house a lot more bearable. I have the kids again this week so I'm in heaven again
But the time away from them is really tough.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this...the good news is that you found a great resource quickly. There are so many wonderful folks that are so willing to share their wisdom and trials. I also highly suggest that you speak to a Divorce Busting coach, as they are experts in helping you to come up with a specific plan on how to move forward in a way that is most likely to bring your husband closer and not further away. This is is the time to get on the right track before to much time goes by and in addition you can also use the resources on the board. I would love to talk to you further. Take care.
JKS - I am so sorry that you are going thru this... I am a little farther down the road in my situation, but it's still hard with H. I know exactly what you are feeling when you interact with your H. Plus it doesn't help that we have young kids and we have to see our Hs often.
In my case, at first I thought I was strong enough to do the friend thing with him. I was not at all. Anything he would share with me was like a dagger because like you, I just felt the pain of knowing that I was no longer sharing whatever he was talking about with him. Sometimes I could smile and say "cool" and then cry for hrs. after he left. Others, I know my resentment and pain came thru in front of him and many times it would trigger an argument or cold exchange.
I finally told him I couldn't be his friend and asked him to please make no reference of OW to me. I finally realized that he only wanted to feel better by normalizing our R and being "friends." But friends do not treat people like our Hs have and quite frankly, right now we are not in their radar. They don't care about us and that is not being a friend.
It was hard (and counter-intuitive) to go dim on him at first, but it was so helpful for my own healing and for actually starting to detach. I am not completely there, but I realize now that I am always more calm and happy when I don't have to see him or talk to him. There is less drama in my life and I am becoming stronger every day, which in turn allows me to act differently when he is around.
I am still grieving the loss of my best friend, but I know now that I would have not been able to heal at all without letting him go.
As for what our future R will look like, I do hope we can co-parent effectively, but I also realize it will be hard to get beyond that... Right now I still cannot see myself being friends while OW is in the picture. But time will tell.
Please - take care of yourself and protect yourself from more pain. Remember - put the oxygen mask on first before attempting to put it on others. Do it for yourself and your amazing kids. You all deserve it!!!
(((((jks)))))
((((((((((((((((jks)))))))))))))
i agree with the posts above.. it may not be time to hear about his life, i know that i can not do that right now with my STBXW. it tears me up too much and i am doing what is best for me right now.
is there a way to make the exchanges short and act as if you are busy and don't have time to chat?
there is so much more out there for you jks, for all of us.. i tell myself that this is my time for emotional healing and it will be painful as healing can be.. but it will set me up for more and healthier love in my world in the future. i find that i can sit with this pain easier when i remember that..
and a good therapist and ADs help too
((((((((((((((((jks)))))))))))))
is there a way to make the exchanges short and act as if you are busy and don't have time to chat?
Actually when he dropped of D1 this last time I went outside, went straight to her and picked her up. I put my hand out to take their bags... he said, you don't want help carrying them in? I said, nope. Took the bags and the baby and walked right back in my house.
And I was still left feeling miserable. Took me a couple hours to recover again. I could tell my baby was standoffish to me and it only made me feel worse. She had been away from me for 5 days. That is too long.
I had my family over last night for dinner and the kids got to play with their cousins. It felt really good to have people in my life again. I've felt pretty alone at my new place and haven't really had a chance to go out and do much. My work is kind of taking over my life. Any time I think I may want to go do something, I remember, oh yeah, I have a ton of work to do... there's no way I have time. So that's how my days go. I have to figure out a way to get a schedule down and MAKE time for myself and time for going out and having fun.
Man, life was so much easier when all of my friends weren't married and all we had was each other. Now it's just so complicated to get together, especially now that I live so far away.
((((((((((((((jks))))))))))))
I am so glad that you had your family over.
You might want to plan something special, if you can, to take place after exchanges to help you feel better. It can be small like a walk to a park but anything to give you a lift after the interaction.
you may not realize it, but you have come so far, jks, a new job/career, a new home and a new you. i tell myself when i am sad that i am building the foundation to truly enjoy my life, even though right now is hard. i think we only truly grow when we are uncomfortable. keep going, jks... it is one of those races where the prize is out of sight around some corner.
I agree with Keep Going, its too early to be friends.
He wants your friendship to relieve him of guilt. Be pleasant, kind and happy but not his buddy.
Hang in there! You have 3 beautiful and healthy children who love you - seriously how lucky are you?
Hey JKS, just checking in on how the weekend was..
I completely get the miserable feeling of not having the kids around. Even with things slowly improving in my sitch, its still hard when they're away. W & kids left on Friday for fall break. They went to see my W's sister & her family (I love this family dearly by the way). That left me on my own for the weekend and the first day alone is always the worst for me. I have to do better about having plans and being busy.
Glad you had a fun evening with your family. You are having to adjust to a new "normal". No idea how long this "normal" will last but keep focus on living your life and enjoying the good things you do see. I agree with the others, be friendly without being friends. Hope you have a good week. (((Jks)))
((((((((((((((jks))))))))))))
i think we only truly grow when we are uncomfortable. keep going, jks... it is one of those races where the prize is out of sight around some corner.
I know you're right, needgrace. I have continually asked myself lately, how am I going to get through this? Like really get through it? It just seems like such an impossible feat at times. It is a constant battle for me to keep a PMA. I'm like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. There's just so much going on in my head and I feel like I haven't been able to really heal or release any of how I'm feeling.
So, I'm going in to see a therapist tomorrow. I know this is well overdue. I think I keep trying to do this on my own and with the help of all of you but I am not progressing like I want to.
On Sunday night my friend invited me to her H's friend's house to watch a football game. The guy who owned the house was single and my age. I talked mostly with the girls that were there and then as I was ready to leave my friend's H starts to make comments that me and the single guy should hang out some time... like we should all go out to dinner or something. He said, yeah, we should. I was like... ok.
I drove home thinking, that's cool that he wants to hang out but he really has no idea what he's in for with me. I'm such an emotional mess, I can't imagine getting involved with someone else right now. It's like I need a good distraction but it just doesn't seem healthy for me to do that to myself. And even to go out as friends, I feel socially incapable of doing that right now.
It's amazing how much I long to be with someone. I want to feel close to someone again and to have that companionship but thinking about a NEW relationship actually makes me sick. It's such a sick and twisted life. I feel forever in limbo. I'm neither here nor there. Just stuck.
Friday night I took my kids to this really cute witch ride where they take you out on a hay ride to this little witch village. And these funny witches show you around their homes and have these little activities for you to do. Like they taught us a disco dance and we made potions. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. And my D1 was busting out the moves. I love her. That was such a great night with my kids and I couldn't help but think how much I wished H was there.
So I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about some things that I should talk to H about. We literally have not talked for weeks. He can tell that I'm super upset and he has no balls to have a conversation with me. Normally I would just say what's bothering me but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. I keep looking to him to make me feel better and he is not my person anymore. I don't have a person. That's the hardest part. I feel like my feelings are just welling up inside me and I'm about to burst. So I know that a conversation needs to be had with H. I'm just not sure how to approach it and where I want it to go. So hopefully my therapist can help me work through that.
(((jks))) good for you, getting a therapist!
I was talking with a friend this weekend about how we could see a thread of women with depression in both our families and how sad it was they there wasn't good treatment available, they probably couldn't have afforded it and they would have been ashamed to seek it.
We are lucky! With some work we can have a happy life.
If you don't mesh with the first therapist, find another. Have you ever had to change pediatricians because you and the doc just weren't on the same wave length? Same thing here.
About the dating thing, you know you aren't ready. Don't let others push into it because they want to fix you.
You'll know when you're ready.
(((((((jks)))))) I am so happy that you are going to see a therapist...this is a sign that you are starting to ficus on YOUR well being and not your H's sh!tstorm of a life. Good.for.you. :-)
I want to echo labug on the dating thing.. so many people seem to think that the only sign of us getting better or 'moving on' is to be in a R. And if we are not, then we are stuck or still pining for H. I just think its time I want for myself. Doesn't mean i am not healing, or moving forward with my life. Moving forward does not equal R with someone else IMO.
What a GREAT day with your kids! I love that time of year and Halloween and the air at that time. Enjoy! What wonderful memories you are giving your children (((( ))))
(((((jks)))))
I can only echo everyone else's feelings here. Kudos for seeing a therapist. And like bug says, don't feel afraid to change if things don't work. I saw a therapist last year and at first it was helpful, but I later realized she was just listening and validating me and I was not making a lot of progress. She was nice and meant well, but was just not what I needed at the time. I needed someone to really challenge me and help me grow and not just agree with all I would say.
I am glad that despite your pain, you are finding ways to focus on your kids and enjoying your time with them. That shows a lot of strength within you, so be proud of yourself for it.
As for the dating issue, how about if you start dating yourself for a change? Get to really know yourself, who you really are, what you are about, what you want from your life. Listen to your heart and mind and respond with love and compassion.
Then do nice things for yourself and do fun things. Treat yourself like the most important person around and start doing new and interesting activities. Once you are comfortable with yourself and you learn to love yourself unconditionally and find happiness within yourself, you might want to look around and decide what goes next.
(((((jks)))))
Wow, keep_going. I am loving your post tonight. I need to have this stickied everywhere in my house so I can remember it all the time.
I'm going to start dating MYSELF!! That really is the best idea I've heard in a long time. I can really envision that and I know at some points along this journey I have done just that. And those were the times that I felt my best.
I have been in a very low mood lately. It's like the interactions with H are really getting to me. It makes me feel trapped. Trapped in my feelings and I have no release. I just keep everything in when he's around and all I want to do is scream and cry. Which is what I do when he leaves. The problem is, doing it after he leaves still makes me feel like it's bottled up inside me. Even telling other people about it still makes me feel like its bottled up. Because he's the one I want to know about how I'm feeling. He's the one I want to know how much his actions are affecting my life. How much pain he's causing and has no idea.
And I always tell myself, he doesn't care. You can tell him all of these things and you can cry and it won't change a thing. So what's the point? It's like I'm left to deal with this truly on my own and I don't know how to process it. I've never had to do this before. This is independence in it's true form because I emotionally and physically have to do it all on my own. This is a lot for me to take in.
My session with the T went well today. I basically just told her what has been going on and why I'm seeking out her help and she told me to come back next week with a list of goals of things that I want. We'll see how that goes.
JKS,
I am glad your session today went well. It's good that your T asked you for a list of goals. That will help you both keep on track and focused during your sessions. Hopefully her approach is solution-based and action-oriented.
I am sorry that you feel trapped. Try to find a healthy outlet for your emotions. A lot of people have suggested writing a letter to your H, but NOT sending it. Since you are feeling that he is the one that you want to direct your thoughts and the emotions you keep inside, that might help.
Journal here often... even if you need to do so every couple of hrs. or so. Take advantage of the amazing friends you have here.
I find that good crying sessions sometimes help me. I do them when the kids are not around. Yes, I literally plan times when I let my emotions flow freely. I do it when I shower or when I am driving alone.
Try to get some exercise in as well. Even if it's just taking the kids to the park and playing with them. Or how about a quick-paced walk with the stroller when you take your daughter out? Anything, anything that will rise your heart-rate and get your heart pumping...
Finally, you know how to reach me - feel free to contact me anytime if talking is a better outlet for you.
IDK, these are just some suggestions. You need to find what will work for you and use that. And remember that time will continue helping you heal...
You are on the right track!!!
(((jks)))
She is solution oriented. That is why I chose her and I made sure to let her know that as well so she would know where my thought process is.
I love your idea about writing the letter. And, yes, I've been having major crying sessions lately. It seems that it's pretty much any time I'm alone. Which is a lot.
I used to journal here a lot and I've stopped recently because I felt that I was spending all of my days on here and I wasn't spending time doing anything else. I just need to find a balance with it. There were times over the last couple of months that I know I was so strong. Reading back in some of my posts, it was like I knew exactly what I needed to be doing and I knew that I would be fine no matter what. And I truly believed that. I haven't felt that in a long time.
I think I'm at such a low right now because this is the time where I really have to accept that my M is over. I have been in denial for so long and I've had so much hope and faith that we would make it through. So now those dreams are truly coming down HARD.
My efforts of trying to save our family were unsuccessful and it hurts in so many ways. I was reading something yesterday about how D reveals itself in so many ways over a long period of time. Things that you never thought would hurt you or bother you, eventually come to the surface in years to come because it affects so much.
I did a photoshoot tonight for H's sister's best friend. She saw H's sister and mother at the grocery store last week and she told them that I was doing her pictures. H's sister said, oh, she won't talk to us anymore. And H's mom started to get teary eyed. Then H's sister said, we better not talk about this or she's going to get upset.
I was taken back that they think that I don't want to talk to them. H's mom has never once reached out to contact me. She was closer to me than my own mother and not once has she ever called me to see if I'm ok. Is that so wrong for me to want a phone call from my MIL to see if I'm ok? I just feel like I was so easily pushed out and OW was so easily accepted into the family. H has had a pretty easy transition with this. His parents treat him like he can do no wrong.
This just brings up so much more anger for me. They're now putting it on me that I'm the bad guy because I don't want to talk to them? I would greatly appreciate a phone call from any one of them asking about how I'm doing. But, yes, if they want to shoot the breeze about what's been going on with the family... I don't think I can take that right now. So I am better off not talking to them I guess. I'm happy to know that at least my MIL has a heart.
Life is so complicated.
I hate gossip. Stay far far away from it.
Also, Pema Chodron helped me out a lot when it came to dealing with all those hurt emotions.
We all love you and want you to have a healing journey from this night forward.
jks, I've gone through something similar with my MIL, SILs and we have been family for over 30 years. I was angry and hurt and fell into victim mode. But wise people advised me that I could make a choice here. The choice I made was to not mindread their motives. This is an awkward, painful situation for everyone. If I wanted to reach out to them, I could.
I call or see my MIL occasionally.
I wrote my SILs a note, saying something like "I know this is difficult for all of us. This is between H and me and I have no ill feelings toward you and hope we can remain friends." One SIL wrote back, the other didn't and neither has reached out to me since. I haven't reached out to them either.
I choose not to be affected by this. I like to think that if I were in their shoes, I would respond differently but I don't know that. It's really not worth wasting time on. Their response or non-response doesn't change who I am.
I agree with Vero, when people want to tell you that stuff, politely (or not) remind then that you won't talk about your inlaws with them.
You'll get there jks, it's just not easy.
Update: Still married but H has now retained a L. He sent me a long email stating all of the things he wants to do in this D. It hurt when I first read it but nothing was a surprise. Just another stepping stone that I have to get passed. I saw him yesterday and he looked amazing. I had kind of a rough day once again trying to forget how much I love him. For the most part, though, I have been EXTREMELY busy. Work is killer. So much to do.
I met a guy from online for dinner last Saturday night. Had a girlfriend with me so it was super casual. He told me he was impressed with me. He was attractive but not my type. He still wanted to get together again and I had to tell him no. I've been going out and doing things and finding that people do actually like hanging out with me... weird? My self esteem has been shot so hearing these things from my friends is the greatest thing for me right now.
I've been seeing a T weekly and she has helped me a ton in realizing my potential and looking at things differently. I've learned that I have a very distorted way of thinking. It's a work in progress to change my natural tendencies.
Ski season starts tomorrow and my goal this winter is to go once a week. I told my neighbors about getting a season pass and they are totally up for it. So I have friends to join me which is exciting. So excited to get up there and enjoy the mountains. I'm working on an amazing playlist so I can just get up there and blast my music while I ski. It's going to be EPIC!! LOL!
I'm generally in good spirits these days... with some bad days in between but I'm noticing that the feelings of despair or sadness do not stay long at all. I feel very blessed in so many other things and that's where I choose to put my focus. I know going through this D is going to be rough and it will probably hit me hard. But for now I'm trying to look at what I do have and to keep the faith that God knows what is best for me.
Ski season starts tomorrow and my goal this winter is to go once a week. I told my neighbors about getting a season pass and they are totally up for it. So I have friends to join me which is exciting. So excited to get up there and enjoy the mountains. I'm working on an amazing playlist so I can just get up there and blast my music while I ski. It's going to be EPIC!! LOL!
I'm sooooooo jealous^^^^^^^
jks, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I am so happy to read your update :-)
Good for you. I am really very proud for your continued effort to grow and find your internal happiness.
I agree, its almost 'weird' when we realize people DO like to hang out with us! lol
I love skiing! Enjoy!
I hope your little ones are doing well :-)
My heart is filled with joy for you!
And good for you for being able to tell the guy, "No, thanks!"
You are a success.
Great to read this, jks. I'm glad your life is improving. Much happiness to you!
the sad periods get shorter and shorter. This is a very good thing. Means you're progressing!
I want to come skiing with you!!!
I want to come skiing with you!!!
Um, get packing... like now... we must do this!!
So I went to S5's preschool graduation this morning and H warned me last night that OW would be there. I have been dreading this moment for a long, long time. I was going to have a friend come with me for moral support but she had something else she had to do. So I went by myself. I made a candy lei for my little boy and walked in and saw him sitting in his chair and put it around his neck. I was the biggest ball of nerves because I knew H and OW were there but I hadn't seen them yet. My little boy looked so adorable in his cap and gown and he gave me the sweetest kiss. I then went to find a seat and walked right passed H and OW and my D1. I found a seat and D1 immediately started screaming my name and ran over to me.
Ultimately, I realized that I will always be their mother and there's nothing that anyone can do to take that away from me. It was a painful thing to see H and OW so happy together and laughing and talking together the entire time while I focused on taking pictures and keeping D1 quiet.
I am in a sad place today. He's happy. I am not. He's found his best friend and lover and I am lost. He constantly reminds me that I have no value to him anymore. He later texted me and told me that he saw a picture on the preschool slide show of our son that he really liked and wanted to know if I would send him any other pictures that I have taken of the kids. I told him "I don't know. This is my talent and you decided you didn't want it anymore. :(" He then said, "Fair enough. How much would you charge me for a disc then?" Wow. That was a kick in the gut. I don't know how to explain it but that was hurtful to me.
Now I know why I have avoided this for so long. It's hard to take in.
Hey, J! Good to hear from you but sorry for your pain.
Could you give him a photo of each of the kids and leave it at that? I think I understand the hurt.
Congrats to the graduate.
Hi J, I am sorry for your pain too. This is all such an incredibly ugly situation. We are here for you. Keep letting it out. xxx
Jks, I was just reading over some of my threads from "newcomers" from last summer and wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your kindness and support. There were so many scary and lonely times and you were always there for me.
How are things for you?
Reachinghigher... I am lost. I'm in a dark place right now. I'm finding myself needing to move again and I lost my job. I've been looking for a new one all summer and no luck. Luckily I have had my photography to rely on for the time being but it's not very stable. I am so unstable financially, emotionally, everything. My ex continues to get meaner and meaner and the guy I'm dating is incredibly mean as well. But I have this insanely hard time detaching from him and its leaving me feeling hopeless. Divorce is rough.
Hi jks, this is my first time in your thread. The post at the top of this page made my eyes water. So sorry for your pain and that you are still feeling lost even 2 months later. Keep pushing your self with your photography, try new things with it, have fun.
If the guy you are dating is mean, please evaluate why you are with him. You deserve better. Someone who treats you kindly.
I hope you continue to work on yourself and post and give us updates. This storm will pass, so don't let it wash you away, be strong through it!
So I just read through this entire thread tonight and realized that I have completely lost sight of my goals. I have gone in the opposite direction of everything I had set out to do. It is the most frustrating feeling because I came out of a very traumatic, damaging situation with my ex and I'm now finding myself in another relationship with someone who is very emotionally abusive and spiritually/religiously not what I want. All the while, as I try to get away from him. I can't. The feelings of detaching from someone yet again are painfully hard to face.
I went 10 days a couple weeks ago without talking to him AT ALL. I felt like I was torturing myself. I went into a mode of complete depression and lost all interest in life and just straight up functioning. My house was in the worst disarray and my kids were barely being taken care of. As soon as I started talking to him again... all of my motivation came back. It's sickening. Why do I have to have this man in my life? I'm so mad I met someone like this and aloud him to get so close to me.
I can't even commit to him and he knows that and that in itself is such a messed up relationship if you ask me. I mean, we've been dating since February and I still can't commit?
So my new plan is to move again. When I moved where I did, I moved really far away from my friends and family. So I'm moving back closer to where I grew up. I have a job interview tomorrow with a company that I used to work for. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the answer to my prayers. I lost my job in May and have been looking for another job ever since with no luck. I have one more month with my current lease and I have to figure something out fast.
All in all, I desperately want to find that girl again. The girl that was ok without a man in her life. The girl that knew what she wanted and who she wanted to be. I have disappointed myself tremendously in the last couple months. My life seems to be completely out of control and I need to have stability again.
My ex has been insanely mean and cold-hearted as well to add on top of everything else. It was funny to me reading back how he was so friendly to me and willing to help me and now he is so far passed that. He wants nothing to do with me and puts me down quite a bit. I have to remind him that I do not deserve to be put down. I am doing the best I can.
I'm needing help from this forum again. I'm becoming extremely desperate for answers as to how to handle this situation. IT IS SO HARD!!
I wrote that post last night and forgot to hit enter to post it...
JKS,
We've both been here for quite a while, and your sitch has been very difficult, you've had some really tough things thrown at you. Through this process I feel I've gotten to know you, and you are a wonderful woman with a lot to offer.
I do believe that you know what you have to do, you're just having trouble doing it.
The lack of motivation and the listless feelings you describe are symptoms of depression. When you're in a relationship, you're using the energy and excitement of the relationship to self-medicate. That's not good for you or the other person.
You are now using a *bad* relationship because it's better and less scary for you than having NO treatment for your depression. Why would you want to commit to a person you characterize as emotionally abusive? Does that make any sense? You are not committing because you *know* he is bad for you.
If you read back to your original posts, you talk about the reasons you think you ran into trouble in your marriage. You got to a point where you weren't very functional and were relying on your H to do everything as you described it. This is also depression!
You MUST talk to your doctor about this and get some help -- that may include medication, talk therapy, or both, but you MUST do it, particularly for the sake of your kids.
Living with depression is difficult for all involved, there is no shame in having the condition. I know that money may be an issue, and there are always reasons not to do something about it today, and assume that you'll deal with it later, but you can't accept that or time will continue to pass and you'll stay where you are. Your kids can't do anything about your depression, but you can, and you must.
Acc
JKS,
I cannot agree more with what Acc is saying. I think you ARE strong enough to do this. I can see why you are afraid of change, of letting go and making tough decisions. But you DO need to change something.
Start by stopping to beat yourself up for what has happened. The past is gone. You can choose to change your mistakes NOW. This moment - not tomorrow or in an hour. RIGHT NOW you can do something to get out of this rut.
Look up, look ahead and just take one step.
GET HELP - counseling and help with your depression is a major first step. What can you do right now to get that going?
Do you have recommends? Can you make phone calls to set up an appintment? Can you research online now?
Also, get yourself to a CODA meeting immediately. Get online RIGHT NOW and find what meeting you can go to tonight. And tomorrow night. And get their weekly schedule in your area. Go daily if you need to - sometimes going to different meetings and groups helps even more. Get a sponsor. Start your twelve steps. Get support from those in your groups.
I am worried about you, girl and I am worried about your kids.
They need you. A HEALTHY you...
I think it's also a GREAT idea to move closer to friends and relatives. You need to surround yourself by positive and healthy influences. You need a support group. Are you looking at listings today? Do you have any options for housing yet? What can you do today to advance that process?
Sometimes the hardest first step is deciding to let go and just ACCEPT HELP. It's ok to acknowledge that we cannot do this on our own. Right now you can't. And being around unhealthy people and relationships is only compounding the problem. I know I have said it before and please forgive my bluntness, but you need to get away from this man.
He is like a drug right now and what you feel for him is not love. He is just TEMPORARILY helping you mask the pain you feel. But when the high is gone, he just leaves you feeling worse about yourself. There is no way you can recover while you are in this kind of situation and relationship. He is just damaging your self-esteem more and more.
No matter how much you hurt, you need to realize that you are getting hurt more by staying with him. And your kids are getting hurt too.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
You NEED to do this - for yourself and your precious little ones.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN.
YES, IT'S TIME TO REDISCOVER YOURSELF.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
Because nobody else will.
Hang in there.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
But you need to help yourself by taking the first step NOW.
((((((((((JKS))))))))))))
J, you are a talented, strong, beautiful woman. You have strength, you proved it when you moved away, got a new job and took care of your kids but you've bought into the belief that you don't matter. Wouldn't you like to get rid of that negative voice in your head?
We can give you lots of advice and encouragement but the first step must be yours. ___________(the universe, God, whatever) keeps presenting you with these lessons and they will continue to be presented until you make a move to change things.
But the first step is yours.
It will be hard but you've done hard things before.
k_g gave you some great suggestions above.
You can do this.
J,
you need to listen to you HEAD, and not your emotions or feeling of emptiness. You are in a tough situation, and everything seems grim. But, you are setting yourself up for more heartache, more pain, the longer you continue down an un-healthy road the worse things will be.....try to picture where you will be with this man in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, whenever. If he is abusive now, do you honestly think he will become loving, somewhere down the road? You deserve so much better than that. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. You have been given some GREAT advice here. Follow it
JKS - you can do it!!! It [censored] but you can do it - I have been through the ringer too!!
KG & Accuracy offer some great advice. You need help from depression and codependency. Get help. Try everything.
An alanon saying is " This is not a self help program" meaning we can not find recovery alone.
Agree with everyone. You are so strong and you have that thread of steel that runs through you, that I bet you never even knew was there.
You can't do this alone, and certainly not with new guy, you do deserve much better. Move back, re connect, get to your closest meeting.
((JKS))