Old threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...848#Post2178848http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...623#Post2161623http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...171#Post2155171http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...081#Post1979081http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...476#Post2206476http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2206603#Post2206603Time to start a new thread, which I believe will allow me to clear my head.
My sitch has been going on for a long, long time, it seems. Kind of wondering if it will ever end. Not sure it will.
Brief update:
W and I got a legal seperation in late January 2012, after 2 years of confusion and emotional juggling. XW spent quite a while battling depression, and needed to both move out of state and to get a D in order to help herself move on. She is officially on a leave of absence from her job, and we got a legal seperation so I could keep her on my health insurance. XW moved out of state in August 2012, and has been gone 10 months now. She is not working, but will start a 4 month job in September. She has been spending quite a bit of time with her new boyfriend in yet another state.
She is only infrequently in contact. Not very good with text or emails. Her lack of communication is a universal complaint with all her friends, not just me.
XW came to visit in May, staying at our house for 10 days. We had a very good time, and she gave lots of comments like "seems so normal", "you are my best friend", "house is wonderful", 'second guess myself sometimes". Nothing physical, just comfortable closeness.
That was four weeks ago. Barely heard from her since. Maybe one brief text once a week. Hardly any contact.
I am doing my best to not have any expectations. I find this conflicting behavior very strange. Am I crazy?
All our friends comment on how she seems to be doing much better. She is almost off her AD medication, and is thinking much more clearly than she has in a very long time. Just wish I knew what those thoughts were......
I am doing my best to not have any expectations. I find this conflicting behavior very strange. Am I crazy?..
Not crazy but trying to answer the question "Why?"
And as much as you or I or an LBS desperately wants to know the answer....
... the truth is we may never know.
Let it go. Try to focus on you.
What did your w's trip teach you about yourself? Where you are emotionally? How do you want to act from this moment on?
I posted this on your last thread. Have you given any thought to question above?
What did my W's trip teach me about myself? It taught me that I am fundamentally a good person, one who is kind and gentle and has taken the high road throughout this whole horrid ordeal. It taught me that my W seems to be going through a very long healing process, although I have no idea where she will end up after this process. It taught me that my W made a mistake in leaving me, and that nothing that happened between us justifies where we are now. I knew these things, but they have been reinforced now.
Emotionally, I was better. Now I can kind of a wreck. Guess the visit caused a set back, especially with the lack of contact following the visit. It just does not make sense.
How do I want to act? I want to move on with my life. In all honesty, I want my W back to move on with, but that is simply not going to happen. I have lost that. And I have to deal with it. And that saddens me very deeply.
Sorry to be down, I guess
I understand the sadness. And I can understand why you would be a wreck.
I have no doubt that I would be set back from that much interaction.
But you must continue to act as if. Do NOT let your w see this side of you. You need to stay strong.
If you must continue to "fake it" do so.. but I really hope that it starts to become real for you.
You deserve to be happy for "real"
I am glad all of the good things you have learned about yourself. My only 2x4 is in these sentences
It taught me that my W made a mistake in leaving me, and that nothing that happened between us justifies where we are now. I knew these things, but they have been reinforced now.
This is dangerous thinking and doesn't really serve any good purpose othan than to boost the ego.
Becareful that it doesn't cause resentment or anger. You may not have to agree with your w's choices, but these sentences don't validate HER feelings which regardless of right or wrong... she's allowed to have.
Hang in there. Take each day as it comes.
Thanks, V.
Good point with the 2x4. What I meant was that the failure of our relationship was a mistake, with errors on both sides. But definately a mistake.
I need to focus on continuing to 'act as if'. That is a critical point. Thanks for reminding me.
I appreciate your input.
Hello Anychance,
Had a chance to catch up with your sitch. I don't know how I would have dealt with my w coming back to visit for 10 days and then leaving again, I can't help but think it would have been a retardant to my growth.
You have taken the high road, you have ended this chapter with your s in an honorable fashion. It remains to be seen how the next chapter will progress, but you have done everything you could do, and have not let your ego or anger guide your actions. You should feel proud of that. Have the courage of your convictions, when you look back on this in the future, you will know that you held your head high and continued on. Your s will one day appreciate the fact that you kept things civil, I have been told this by almost every woman I know how has been divorced. Things will get better!
Update:
I seem to be struggling these days. It is unclear what direction xW is taking in the long run, so I maintain my pattern of offering support and taking the high road. She is off her AD meds, and is beginning to deal with life. She has a temporary position for 4 months this fall that will be good for her. As I mentioned in previous post, she came back to visit for 10 days in May, and wants to get together for a few days in June. No idea what this all means.
XW is on my mind quite a bit these days. I am feeling quite rejected and alone, and am not sure how to deal with it. I have been buried in my work, which is good and keeps me occupies, but solo times are very difficult. Self esteem is running at a pretty low ebb.
I know I should just take my friends advise and move on and forget about her. Ain't that easy, as you all know. So I plod along and try to keep moving forward. At some point this has to end. As Gunny says, "it remains to be seen how the next chapter will progress", but I am wondering how long this damn book is, anyway.
Thanks for listening. Feeling pretty isolated these days.
just my take...but as a waw that took my H for granted during the split I'd say that she could be using you to help her get through the scary period of adjusting to being alone.
Getting to come "home" for a few days and have a closeness with you...even if it's just a very very close friendship gives her that feeling that she isn't just floating out there. She has that security of you, the familiar, the safety net.
I'm just saying me and H when I walked...we said we'd be best friends forever, we'd be one of those couples other people didn't understand, if we weren't married when we were 60 we'd retire where we always talked about, I could go on...and this plan worked great while I got to do what I wanted to do and then come home and make dinner with him, watch tv with him, go places with him. It didn't work so great when he decided that wouldn't be there how and when I wanted him.
Just food for thought....
AC,
My heart breaks for you. I know your rollercoaster well. I still live it.
Do you feel that the last trip has put you on this rollercoaster?
Do you feel that successful in not having expectations because of the trip?
Do you have any fears about if you told wife no?
Talk it through.. we are listening.
((( )))
Brit:
Thanks for the perspective, but I do have a question for you. You say you used your H to help you through your time of being scared of being alone. I assume from your recent posts that you have decided you are happy with your decision to end the M. Was he just being a patsy during this time, or did you appreciate his being there for you? Perhaps I am being used, and my XW is only interacting with me for her benefit alone. I have never been clinging, or pleading, or given the impression that I am waiting for her. Do you suggest I just cut her off and get on with my life?
I didn't appreciate him until that was gone. In Sept/Oct I started having serious doubts but all my friends will say it went much farther back. Especially as I had a short lived EA in 2010. Anyway, beginning of Nov I told him it wasn't working, he started sleeping on the couch. During that time u went out, parties, met men, listened to Rhianna on full blast, felt like a tennager again. H would pick me up at the end of the night, text me midday to ask what I wanted for dinner etc. tell me I looked great before I went out and he hoped I had fun. In Jan he had to house sit so he lived away for a month and when he came back I decided it wasn't healthy for us we should live apart. I had no idea what I was asking for. He began distancing himself and at first I was still too wrapped up in a guy I was seeing. Then it all hit, he wasn't there and more pressingly he care about me.
He stopped being home, he was always on his phone, he wasn't and now I know he isn't the fall back guy I thought he always would be.
I took him for granted and enjoyed when I felt scared knowing that at home everything was still like it always was.
I'm not saying you should start dating if you're not ready. That's what he did. And it very hard to give the impression that you're not available to her when you still have feelings for her and want to R.
But no visits, no phone calls, no emails, no texts....from you. She may need to see what life is like without you as a friend. Plus it's making your life hell. Putting you on a roller coaster. The other thing is surprise. Do things that you've always wanted to do. It's MWD cliche but he started playing sports and doing things he never did when we were together (and stopped once he met GF) but I felt like he wasn't this boring guy I'd gotten sick of
Thanks, Brit.
My xW moved to another state 11 months ago, and has been dating/living with an old boyfriend in yet another state since that time. I have taken the high road, and, when she notices, my xW has commented on my changes.
At some point I need to realize that she is gone and is not coming back. My biggest fear is that she has been using me like you suggest. I don't think so, but, then, I obviously don't know what to think.
So face your "worst fear" when you can say to yourself if that's the truth, if that's what happened, then what? What will that mean to you about yourself and about her?
I can say if she is and if it's like me she doesn't mean it outright malicious. I certainly didn't and it's only now that I've grown and can use empathy (because I think when we're hurting we have to attend to ourselves so much there's nothing left over to be empathetic) but now I can see how selfish my actions were, he could have called me on it and never did...because it may have given him comfort or hope or anything.
Someone wise on this board told me one thing's for sure your marriage is dead. And as long as he's with her, he's not going to be with you.
I don't know it struck me, put me in my place, and made me stop all the but's and feeling rejected. There was no rejection...it's over, he's with someone. Now what?
You can move on with out dating someone new. You can move on in your heart, in your head, in your actions, in your outlook.
not sure I am doing the right thing.....
xW just called, and she is on the way back to her house in a different state. I happen to be on an extended business trip in the region, and she wants to get together with me this weekend. I am going to stay at her house for probably two days this weekend. She says she wants to see me. There is clearly uneasiness in the air when we speak, as neither wants to offend each other, and neither knows how to approach communication.
So I am going to see my xW...she is heading to her house for a couple of weeks, before returning to OM's house in yet another state, then going to see his family out east. She even left her beloved cat at OMs house while she is traveling.
So what gives? Why does she want to see me? What is the point? Why doesn't she just marry this dude, move on, and leave me behind like so much used baggage?
She came back to my/our house for 10 days in May, has spent the month of June+ at OMs house, and now is returning to her house and wants to see me. Is it that she feels obligated?
Not sure how she would react if she knew how confused I was. I am doing my best to give everything time, stay on the high road, give her time, leave the door open a crack....but I have this nagging feeling that I am just a moron getting burned.
Not the way I wanted my life to end up. Kind of sad about that.
I know it is not the DB way, but, I have to admit: I used to have a wonderful life. Now I am just living.
Guess I have to get my sh*t together and move forward...again.
Thanks for listening.
Not the way I wanted my life to end up. Kind of sad about that.
Acting as if your life is over is no way to live your life.
I know it is not the DB way, but, I have to admit: I used to have a wonderful life. Now I am just living.
If you are able to breathe, then you have life in you that needs to be lived beyond merely existing. Don't you think it is time you take charge of your future and get things in gear and move forward instead of looking over your shoulder? You say you have left the door opened a crack. There is nothing wrong with that, but you've got to stop peeking through the crack to see what your Ex is doing, thinking, saying.
You seem to be holding on to the hope that your W will come back. She may very well do that some day but waiting and hoping and yet doing nothing else is no way to live. You have a lot to offer the world. Lets see what that looks like!
Guess I have to get my sh*t together and move forward...again.
Make it happen. The world is your oyster. It really is!
Thanks 2tp....needed that
"They are attracted to our backs!"
Someone posted this ^^^ on my thread and I've since shared it with others. I think it makes sense. Go live your life like it is filled with so much promise and possibility. Quit worrying about the past. Focus on the future. Your future! It is then, after you have turned away and moved on with your life that the visits from your Ex will have more meaning.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yes, I know exactly what you are saying and I am going to live that philosophy this weekend.......damn right.
Got some 2x4s yesterday,and deservedly so.
I, like many of the LBSs here, continue to love my xW after almost a year of complete separation (different states). She has gotten to the point that she likes to physically see me (10 day visit in May, now a couple of days this weekend). She solicited these visits, not me. Other times she wants very little to do with me, with only rare texts or phone calls. This is a pattern she has with everyone - very rare for her to contact the vast majority of her old friends. Maybe she is just trying to start a new life by leaving me and everyone else behind.
Good news she is off her AD meds, which were really fogging her mind.
I am going to hang in there, but I cannot get caught in the trap of always wondering about her. I need to move on with my life. I guess it is the old adage about "if you love something set it free, if it returns, it is yours forever. If it does not, it never was"
It is just that sometimes the tragedy of it all gets to me. It just does not seem right. Not a bit. But I cannot do a damn thing about it.
Wish me luck this weekend. Any advise would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
JBM
Headed up to see my xW for the weekend. Not at all sure how this is going to go. It is unclear if she wants to see me out of affection or obligation. Unclear if she wants me out of her life or in her life. All I know is she returned to her new home after 5 weeks with the OM at his place in a different state, and that she is going to return there in a couple of weeks. Where I stand in all this is a damn good question.
So I venture into the unknown. Any advice would be most appreciated.
Hey Anychance,
How is it going?
Update:
Spent last weekend with my xW. We hung out, had a lot of fun, talked about things a bit, which I thought was good. We do have a lot of fun when we are together, no doubt. Our serious conversation focused on communication, or her lack thereof. She said it is hard for her, that she does not want to rely on me or depend on me. I have always maintained that I would be there if she needed me. She said she felt bad that she had been hurting me by ignoring me. We talked alot about her sick mother, and she clearly needed to get that off her chest. I left thinking that we had had a good weekend, lots of fun, and might be communicating.
Following that weekend, we had a few text exchanges, just pleasantries.
Then last Friday I get a text from her best friend that says "FYI..whatever you are doing is having very negative effects". WTF?
My only conclusion is that xW is lying to me. Telling me one thing and her BFF another. If she just wants me out of her life, why is SHE getting in touch with me and asking to see me?
I think I just need to walk away. I seem to be in a no win situation. I am confused, but obviously I am a burden on xW, so I should probably just realize that she is best off without me.
Am I alone in finding this bizarre?
Hello AC,
This is a very cryptic message. Not sure if I understand what she means. Having very negative effect on what, on her? Your ex? Did you call her bf, assuming you even want to talk to her?
AC, ignore that message from the "friend". Your W could be lying to the friend and telling you the truth.
Let it go and keep doing what you are doing. What you see is much more accurate than what you hear.
Ignore it! you could mind read until the cows come home and never understand. Just remember that was we want to do is not always what our friends and families think we SHOULD we do! And what she may think of as negatives, you or your W may think of as positives.
I've lost one of my friends that I was very close to around the time of being a walk away I don't think she knows what to make of me....and that's okay. I'm not explaining myself to anyone!
It sounds like the two of you had some very positive conversations. Keep it happy and fun, so that when she thinks of you it isn't with guilt or bad memories but with excitement!
I agree with BRIT, good advice.
AC, I agree with the others. Don't give the friend's comments too much thought. It is too hard to say what was behind what your W's friend said to it. Bottom line is she is not your W anyway.
I think Brit's advice was excellent: keep your interactions happy and fun with your W and build good memories. Have no expectations.
Ultimately, if your W wants to come back, she will make it as clear as the day of the bomb she wishes to do that. Meanwhile, make your life excellent and your W can choose to join you or not to join you.
Hello, again, folks.
Been out of touch for a while as my job takes me to remote corners, and I have been in the field most of the summer.
Today is my 52nd birthday, and it is bittersweet to say the least. Realized it is my third bday in a row that has left me sad and depressed, timing which fits perfectly with the crumbling of my R. In addition, last week marked the one year anniversary of my xW moving out of state. Dark clouds keep swirling, to say the least.
Trying my damnedest to GAL and move on. Have spent some time with xW a couple of times in May and July, and had a great time. So did xW. Seems everything we get together, it sends her into some kind of tailspin in which she regrets seeing me, and feels like she is 'falling back into it" (her words, not mine). Leaves me nothing but confused..
Am told by a mutual friend that I should just not contact her, to give her time and space. This I am doing....I only respond when she contacts me, and I do not think I will answer her "Happy Birthday" text today.
Seems to me she is confused, and her future is anything but certain. Trying not to keep my life on hold. I am finding myself isolating myself more and more...
One of these years I am going to enjoy my birthday. It probably just takes time.
Hope all is well. Thanks for listening.
Hello, again, folks.
Been out of touch for a while as my job takes me to remote corners, and I have been in the field most of the summer.
Today is my 52nd birthday, and it is bittersweet to say the least. Realized it is my third bday in a row that has left me sad and depressed, timing which fits perfectly with the crumbling of my R. In addition, last week marked the one year anniversary of my xW moving out of state. Dark clouds keep swirling, to say the least.
Trying my damnedest to GAL and move on. Have spent some time with xW a couple of times in May and July, and had a great time. So did xW. Seems everything we get together, it sends her into some kind of tailspin in which she regrets seeing me, and feels like she is 'falling back into it" (her words, not mine). Leaves me nothing but confused..
Am told by a mutual friend that I should just not contact her, to give her time and space. This I am doing....I only respond when she contacts me, and I do not think I will answer her "Happy Birthday" text today.
Seems to me she is confused, and her future is anything but certain. Trying not to keep my life on hold. I am finding myself isolating myself more and more...
One of these years I am going to enjoy my birthday. It probably just takes time.
Hope all is well. Thanks for listening.
Spending time with you may make her "feel like I'm falling back into it", make her feel like she's losing control because she's falling for you.... She's scared of it obviously.
happy bd, AC!
Happy Birthday AC! Sending good vibes your way!
Update:
Not online much these days, as I am in that holding pattern during which there is not much to say. Communication is very spotty with xW, but everytime there is a connection, I get the she is not happy and is unclear where to go or what to do about it. She too seems to be a holding pattern with her 'new'OM, living with him in another state while waiting to start a job in yet another state.
I have been told by mutual friends to leave her be, let her carve her own path, that I cannot help her, and that she has to make her own mistakes and figure out her future. Makes sense, but it is a difficult thing to do, to be sure.
My doctor said simply, a couple of years ago when this whole nightmare began, "if you love her, keep loving her'. That is where I stand. Does she even know I am alive, or even care? Hard to tell. But I can tell her future is not written.
Trying to keep the door open a crack, but attempting to not look through the crack.
It has clearing sunk in that this is not a sprint, but a marathon....just have to keep on keeping on, I guess.
117 miles on the bike this week, with 26 more today. Going to keep on keeping on.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AC,
from my perspective, you still have not detached. The fact that you are still spending a good deal of your time thinking about what she is thinking is evidence of this. Perhaps it is time to branch out and start dating, gotta tell you AC, it has made a world of difference for me, I am upfront with everyone who I date, they know my sitch, and it has helped me focus my attention away from my sitch, to a degree. Just a though, but again, hope you enjoy your special day!
Not sure how to deal with this...
Update:
-STBXW suffers from major depression, needs to leave me and the state to get out of depression
-STBXW moves to another state 8/2011
-legal separation 1/2012
-moves in with OM in yet another state 2/2012
-returns to state #1 9/2012; relationship with OM seems to have cooled
-starts new 4-month job 9/2012
We have seen each other a couple of times (May and July). Lots of fun, no drama
Now xW is in her new job, and in her rental home in another state. I have done my best to not contact her, and to let her drive any contact. She is slowly contacting me more and more often. Talks of being lonely, feeling like she does not have anyone, feeling homeless. Seems to like talking to me, and tells me she is glad I am there for support. I want to be there for her, but do not want to push her or seem to be pursuing her. I know she is depressed and feeling bad, but I know she needs to deal with this on her own.
What do I do here? Contact her occassionally, or leave things up to her? This has been going on so long, it is hard to fathom. Thoughts would be most appreciated.
Now xW is in her new job, and in her rental home in another state. I have done my best to not contact her, and to let her drive any contact. She is slowly contacting me more and more often. Talks of being lonely, feeling like she does not have anyone, feeling homeless. Seems to like talking to me, and tells me she is glad I am there for support. I want to be there for her, but do not want to push her or seem to be pursuing her. I know she is depressed and feeling bad, but I know she needs to deal with this on her own.
What do I do here? Contact her occassionally, or leave things up to her? This has been going on so long, it is hard to fathom. Thoughts would be most appreciated.
Honestly it sounds like progress to me. I would still let her drive the progress, but since you've been dark for so long I frankly don't see a problem with you reaching out to her now and then as long as she's still contacting you as well. But if she pulls back then stop and let her set the pace again. This reminds me a lot of a good friend of mine, he and his W separated about 2 years ago and she moved in with another guy, they are just now starting to piece. They've been going out and even ML. So yes, it's been a long time but it just goes to show it's never too late. Good luck and keep us posted!
Update
my SBTXW (legally separated Jan 2012) has been getting in touch more often. She feels very alone, that much is obvious. She is looking to the future and trying to figure out what to do. She seems to want to connect with me more and more, and tells me she likes talking to me. I am trying to remain steady, not intiating contact most times, letting her drive things. Just being here for her. Time marches on, to be sure.This has been going on for a long time. I have attempted to be as understanding and caring as I can be without letting the sitch keep me in limbo. I am keeping the door open a crack, but I am not pursuing or pushing her in anyway.
Not sure if I am doing the right thing, or am being an idiot.
Thanks for listening.
I am keeping the door open a crack, but I am not pursuing or pushing her in anyway.
Not sure if I am doing the right thing, or am being an idiot.
You are doing the right thing.
Reread my last few posts. Truly sound like a broken record. Guess I either accept being stuck with her, or cut the cord and move on.
Tough choice.
my SBTXW (legally separated Jan 2012) has been getting in touch more often. She feels very alone, that much is obvious. She is looking to the future and trying to figure out what to do. She seems to want to connect with me more and more, and tells me she likes talking to me. I am trying to remain steady, not intiating contact most times, letting her drive things. Just being here for her.
I say quit the going dim/ dark stuff and try to get the ball rolling again if you're still interested in her. If you don't want to be in limbo then don't continue what you're doing! Call her, invite her on a date. If she's not interested then maybe it would be best for you to break all contact with her instead of being stuck in the friend zone.
Cannot remember how to list old threads and start a new one.....
Update:
Time marches on. STBXW has returned to town, decided to return to her job, and is staying with me. All indications are that she hit bottom w.r.t. her depression in December, and is starting to find her way back. I am very happy that she seems to be on the way back, happy for her that she returned to her job (a very good job), happy that she is reconnecting with colleagues and friends.
Very much in limbo at this point. I am not sure if I am in her future or not. An independant observer would say that the two of us are married - been living together for a few weeks, do everything together, laugh, have fun, enjoy our time together. Sleeping in separate bedrooms. Intimacy is limited to hugs and pecks goodnight.
Her anxiety and depression weave in and out. She is very happy to be staying at the house, very happy to have her job back. Unclear how I fit into the picture. I have taken the high road throughout this entire fiasco, and have done my best to support her in any way I can. I want her to be happy and healthy.
Am told I am an enabler by some. I have told her to take her time getting things figured out. She talks occassionally about getting her own place, but then comments she is so comfortable in my (our) home.
I am trying to have patience and to give her time. Just wish I new if she was here for me and our relationship, or if I am just the easy path for her at this time. I do not want to put her under pressure, so there has been no R talk. But there has to be at some point.
Still confused.
I am trying to have patience and to give her time. Just wish I new if she was here for me and our relationship, or if I am just the easy path for her at this time. I do not want to put her under pressure, so there has been no R talk. But there has to be at some point.
Still confused.
Good grief, I can certainly understand why you are confused!! So your W is back home with you, but has not said a word about reconciling? What you describe sounds like an MLCer that is starting to come out of the tunnel. You might post a thread on the MLC forum and see if dbmod, Cadet and/ or Jack_Three_Beans can give you some input on how to proceed. I don't know enough about MLC to comment, I -think- you're supposed to just keep giving them time and space while they duck in and out of the tunnel and let them emerge on their own schedule.
Welcome back AC.
I can understand why it may be confusing. However, it sounds to me like she's even more confused than you are.
You have definitely taken the high, rocky road during your situation.
I think you're taking the right approach. No pressure at this point. One day at a time, my friend. You'll know when the time is right to have that R talk. It's taken this long to get to this point.
I would consider this progress, although it's unclear what direction you are progressing in.
I agree that your situation sounds confusing. My H is depressed also and it is confusing to interpret his moods, and your wife's ups and downs sound even more dramatic. You have been strong in a tough situation.
I agree with jbnati that your XW moving home is progress. I wonder, if she moved out and got a place of her own, whether you would still spend time together in the same way?
Jb, Another:
Thanks for the thoughts....sometimes the limbo is excruciating....
I have been patient...need to find more of that, alot more of that....
AC, sounds like you have a room mate. And that's fine, if that's what you want.
No expectations, ok?
Until and unless she says she wants to work things out and begins to act in a manner that supports that, then it would appear she is just figuring her life out.
I would personally recommend GAL as much as possible at this point in time.
It's so great to see posts by 3 great guys that I haven't seen on these boards in awhile
I agree with all that is said.
You are a good guy AC. Time to show your best self.
Kaffe, et al. Thanks for the thoughts. It is good to hear from you.
Yes, I would say figuring her life out is exactly what is happening. We have not even had a R talk yet, and not sure when we will, if ever. She told me last night part of her intermittent depression is that she misses the OM, who was the rebound relationship. Wonderful. Really makes a guy feel good.
Life goes on, as they say.
a/c
Do you know if SHE left the OM or if he dumped her?
It upsets me to hear how nice you are to her and she had to say that to you. You don't deserve that.
Hang in there my man.
Moving forward one day at a time on this end. Went to a concert last night and had a very good time.
I am trying to be patient and give her the time and space she needs. That is sometimes difficult when we are living together, but I am not sure that kicking her out right now is the right idea - while there is wisdom in her getting her own place, I am not sure if that would help or hurt w.r.t. depression. I do know that I cannot control that, and I am letting her make the decision. It is my impression that we would spend just about as much time together as we do now.
The big question is whether I am going to be an H or just a friend. Not sure she knows.
NTX: not sure of the details with OM, but understand she was ending it when she decided to take her job back and he was none too happy and told her to get lost. I studiously avoid asking about such things. Not my business and it can only hurt me.
Everytime I get the feeling that this has to end soon, I need to look back and realize what a long road is has been and how far I and we have come......
Need to GAL hard core......
Hi any...
I feel for you. Your last post is really true--focus on how far you have come. And what have you been doing to help that along...keep doing it.
Getting a life is really important--what are you doing to fulfill yourself?
Hey AC! Any updates? Hope your hard core GAL is working for you!
long overdue update......
Time moves quickly, even when you are in some sort of limbo, which seems strange.
STBXW moved back to the city and into the house in late January. She seems to be getting her anxiety and depression under control, and seems much happier than she has been for a while. No doubt there are ups and downs, but I am in the support mode and she seems to be making progress.
Separate bedrooms, but beyond that, we do everything together, and an outside observer would think we were happily on the mend. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but trying not to have any expectations. I know this is a long road, and am in for the long haul.
She has admitted a couple of times to be avoiding decision making, and we have not yet had a conversation about where our R is headed. I am worried by the statis, but do not want to force the issue and raise the anxiety level. Am hoping that all good things come to those who wait.
I know we have a lot of work ahead of us, but do need to know she is 'all-in' at some point. That would seem to be the case, but I need to hear it.
Hope all is well for everyone. Just wanted to check in.
AC
Good to hear that things seem to be moving along, pleasantly.
Just out of curiosity, is she working? Is she paying rent or otherwise contributing much to expenses?
What does your legal separation say about co-habiting? Mine indicates that 90 days of co-habiting makes the legal sep void.
Kaffe:
Thanks for checking in. She is getting back to work, one step at a time. She will be full time by the end of May. She is contributing to the house with her efforts, not financially, and I have not asked her to. That will need to change as time progresse.
Interesting thought about the legal separtation timing. I need to look into it.
Your thoughts are most appreciated. I will try to check in more regularly.