Just noticed my previous thread was way over 100!
So will bring my post to this new thread, as there is definitely room for improvement.
Journaling from Sunday:
I feel so bad tonight...Let's just say this has not been a stellar day in my history as a mother. I lost my temper with my son, kicked a chair out of my way and banged a wall with my hand. He can be such a hard case sometimes, no drive, no direction, no plan. I was just so frustrated.
I did apologize, not for my anger but for not managing it better. I had even left the house earlier for awhile to get away and cool off.
I feel like all the work I put into improving our relationship over the last year has gone down the drain because I had to act like a child.
Yes, I tantrumed. And I'm sad for both of us. All I can do now is dust myself off and carry on.
And listen when that little voice inside says STOP!
don't beat yourself up over it, as you say, dust yourself off and keep trying.
i've done exactly what you've described too many times myself
the big huge difference is you recognizing what you wrote
I did apologize, not for my anger but for not managing it better
when i finally realized that myself - that it was ok to be angry, but not ok to express it as i used to, i can separate the two and find, just in that simple realization that it makes all the difference and i simply don't do it that way anymore
and while i wrote that above para to you - i had a tiny light bulb moment - and i know it's wandering off a bit - but it occurred to me that during therapy i can mention these sorts of things about myself, and indirectly give that message to h and maybe it will get through to some small place inside him and he can realize that he can do the same thing too. i could do with a little bit of him managing his anger a bit better myself.
i'm beginning to realize that this sitch is for me to "get" certain things - realize different ways of being and make them real for myself - and one of the things i'm "getting" is that forgiving myself is more important than anything else
(( ))
zig
The fact that you recognize your contribution to issue with your son is huge. I am sure a year ago you would have blamed the whole situation on him and "if your son could only... then you wouldnt have to get upset" Now you recognize that you have a choice as to how to handle any scenerio and your contribution to the escalation.
I will say regarding your sons lack of direction, being 19 or 22 is a time when it is okay to have no direction for a little while. Maybe if he takes the time now to find the right path for him he wont go looking for it when he is 40. Some people need to be aimless for a while in order to find direction.
Go easy on yourself. You are human.
Bug, you're awesome and human! I know you're disappointed in yourself and hope you can let it go quickly. Have you had any additional talks with your S19 after the event?
And while no one in my family knows it occurred, I have a couple impressive fist size indentations in my wall as well. : ) (Actually I was kind of impressed with myself and am tempted to go start breaking boards now!!)
Live and learn. In the past, had you lost your cool, would you have even considered the fallout from that action? How is that different from today?
Ces you probably learned those skills from the Lizzard Master.
La it is a slip, a human slip. Nothing more, learn from it and move forward. It may happen again but you will be more in tune next time. And with everything else going on how can you not feel frustrated? You are doing good. I know the old you would have say you were justified for doing that. Right?
Thanks everyone for the thoughts.
He stayed in his room for the rest of Sun but then yesterday and today we've had some positive interactions. We'll be OK but it was a big bump in the road.
The good to this? It caused me to look at what my self-care has been like. Lousy!
Having enough money gives me a feeling of safety so anytime my 2nd job offers me extra hours, I take it. It's stressful and working too many hours/week leaves me tired and stressed. I need to set a boundary there.
Haven't been going to AlAnon regularly-working too much.
My exercise/bike riding have been curtailed for the same reason.
And I've blown off yoga.
So it appears that taking care of myself is much more important than the extra dollars as we are not starving to death without it.
go out and GAL.
bugsy.. i want to say that i truly do admire you. your strength.. your willingness to look within yourself.. you much needed humour.. all of it.. goooodd (i think of joey from friends when i say that).
we're all human so living up to the idealistic expectations is impossible. what shows character is admitting our faults and working through them.
you are a good woman.. a good mom.. a good wife.. a good friend.
i sometimes flip out at the kids. but then i later apologize and explain that it is the action i am mad at.. and not them. i try to ensure they understand that my love is not diminished although i may be angry. ah kids.. they can drive you nuts no matter what age!
oh.. something bklyn said made me think of a session w/ my IC. that we all have to go through this phase of trying to figure out who we are. this usually happens for most of us in our adolescent years. if not.. it may then come out like an MLC which we see has many parallels to being a teenager.
I will say regarding your sons lack of direction, being 19 or 22 is a time when it is okay to have no direction for a little while. Maybe if he takes the time now to find the right path for him he wont go looking for it when he is 40. Some people need to be aimless for a while in order to find direction.
Bklyn, I've heard this from others and even my older son agrees with that and says he was clueless at that age but he was going to school. Faking it until he made it, I guess.
I need to step back and get myself back on track.
Bug,
Need to agree that your S is at an age where it's ok for him not to have a ton of drive yet.
As a mom of a child not much younger, I think it is the time they should begin to have some sort of idea, exploring things, interests, etc... not just hanging out and doing nothing. However, they also have the rest of their lives to be responsible and it's ok to have this time of exploration. Hopefully that is what your S is doing. Mine, wants to be and do EVERYTHING and his lack of focus is making me a little nutty. It is just what he needs though I think
Our reactions are what we need to watch more than anything. It is ok for us to be frustrated with them and ourselves and situations, but it isn't ok to act out in ugly ways. Even if we can apologize for it later the damage has been done.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Self care, is something I was terribly guilty of not having when I arrived here. My X even pointed it out as one of his reasons for leaving (actually the fact that I painted my nails after several years and was trying to begin to take better care of myself was one of his excuses) anyway...
A pattern that I have noticed within myself is that it seems to be the first thing to disappear when I become too busy, too overwhelmed etc... That seems to happen to a lot of women. And then there are others who just can't walk out of the house without looking like they just left the salon (I will never understand those women but maybe they have something on the rest of us...)
Anyway, notice your patterns, notice how you feel when you are taking care of yourself versus when you aren't...
I am willing to bet there is a difference...
Our reactions are what we need to watch more than anything. It is ok for us to be frustrated with them and ourselves and situations, but it isn't ok to act out in ugly ways. Even if we can apologize for it later the damage has been done.
I know this and I knew I shouldn't have been pursuing the conversation at that time, on that day.
We had good interactions yesterday.
But here is the crux of the matter, the ugly bits that are hard to admit, he is very like his father in the way he shuts down when he doesn't want to discuss something. In those times I am reacting to my H, not responding to my son.
I recognized this soon after H left and started working on changing my reactions and reframing. I let my selfishness get in the way on Sunday.
Anyway, notice your patterns, notice how you feel when you are taking care of yourself versus when you aren't...
I am willing to bet there is a difference...
You know me so well.
Yes, this is a big part of why I am where I am.
I am worth taking care of.
Sometimes I forget that.
Great insight. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. It helps the rest of us grow too. You are worth taking care of
La Bug - I suck at self care. Even with a year of counseling under my belt, everyone and everything still comes before me. And when I do focus on me, why do I feel guilty?
I haven't known you long, but I can tell you have gained a lot of wisdom and did some really hard work to get to where you are. Enjoy some time off and focus on you. You deserve it!
Then you can tell me how to do it! :-)
But here is the crux of the matter, the ugly bits that are hard to admit, he is very like his father in the way he shuts down when he doesn't want to discuss something. In those times I am reacting to my H, not responding to my son.
I'm reading a book called "How to improve your marriage without talking about it". I bought it because my W and I were doing an awful lot of not speaking and I wanted to know how to use that time.
Like a lot of marriage books, it works a lot better before your spouse tells you they want a divorce.
The core of the book is the concept that men are sensitive to shame and women are sensitive to fear. If what you're talking about causes your husband(or son) to feel shame, he will shut down and stonewall you, and then you'll feel more anxious and escalate.
I've only read half of it, so I don't know what sort of great advice is in there. It's actually really hard reading over obvious patterns that my W and I have gone though, knowing now that they clearly paved the way to divorce.
It sounds to me, based on some of your posts that I've read, that you might be a little aggressive in going after your husband and son, and that you might benefit from reading something about the shame/fear concept. "How to improve your marriage" seems like a good book for understanding this pattern, even if you don't get to improve your marriage.
AT, thanks for the input!
It sounds to me, based on some of your posts that I've read, that you might be a little aggressive in going after your husband and son, and that you might benefit from reading something about the shame/fear concept.
You should have known me before!
Yes, I have been that.
I actually have that book, read it and plan to read it again. It certainly opened my eyes to a lot of my behaviors.
Guess I need a tune up.
I really appreciate fresh eyes and perspectives.
I'm reading a book called "How to improve your marriage without talking about it".
The core of the book is the concept that men are sensitive to shame and women are sensitive to fear. If what you're talking about causes your husband(or son) to feel shame, he will shut down and stonewall you, and then you'll feel more anxious and escalate.
Hi AT,
That's very interesting that you mention this because when all this started with my H, I had this dream about my H feeling a lot of shame.
I didn't understand that, and I still don't.
What - for men - would that mean? Any examples?
I guess I should really read the book, but I have bought so many books lately I am sick of buying books on this subject. Even my bank manager was like, "There is a lot of Amazon purchases here." Embarrassing!
So thanks, in advance, for explaining that.
YC, google the title or steven stosny patricia love
Thanks labug. Looks like the same-fear dynamic is rife in what is left of my R!! Guess I should buy the book.
Yankee-I am an amazon junkie as well- my friend was just teasing me about being able to open a library soon!
Good one Fighting! Amazon - now that's my real shame-fear dynamic, haha!
hi llabug - i felt exactly the same after h left - kept seeing his behaviors in s. so decided that if i can "practice" my changes on s, then i knew that i was one step closer to being able to do them with h/
just use your son to find out what you can still change within yourself.
a lovely affirmation for myself and maybe for you?
"By embracing inner peace over instant gratification, I take responsibility for my own happiness. Living in the moment enables me to enjoy life's endless wonders"
zig
I can relate to this as well. I have the book on my Nook, but haven't read it yet. Since one of my goals is to read one chapter a night of a M/R book, guess I'll put this one closer to the top of my list.
Ro and others,
One of the things we like to remind each other of in the MLC forum...
While reading R/M books is wonderful and necessary, please don't forget to read something fun too...
Make it one of your goals maybe...
Ro and others,
One of the things we like to remind each other of in the MLC forum...
While reading R/M books is wonderful and necessary, please don't forget to read something fun too...
Make it one of your goals maybe...
Cat - I agree!!! I love to read, and basically left my love of books when my H dropped the bomb. Picking it back up now. Currently readin the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. Saw the first movie and fell in love with the character.
I've read all of those. I forgot about the movie-I'll have to see if it's on Netflix yet.
hi Lady,
Just stopping in to say hello, hope you are well,
Hey Bug, how's life in the desert this week?
hi labug - does not posting so much mean you are doing great and life is going well and peacefully for you? i hope so - you deserve it
thanks for stopping by and checking in on me a couple of days ago - it reminded me that THIS is the place to find my sanity and focus, not in the craziness that is going on around me.
((( )))
zig
Yes, my life is pretty peaceful(Generalissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead) because I work at making it so. I could get into spinning mode over things but choose not to. Occasionally a little wobbly spin starts but I'm able to put the brakes on before I become a Whirling Dervish.
I actually saw Whirling Dervishes perform, amazing!
I'm also working more than I was earlier on and while it's good because it decreases my financial worries it does cut into ME time.
I've seen H more in the last couple of weeks than I did in the previous year. No kidding. It's been for various reasons mostly having to do with S19. We had a joint appt with S19's T and an observer would not have known we're separated. No differences from previous interactions in that office other than references to "his" house and "my" house. It was a good problem solving appt. He talked, a lot. I listened.
On Sunday he was here to pick up S19 as they were going to change the oil in H's truck (his wrist is still out of commission). I asked if they had a place to work in the shade as it's consistently in the high 90s here. He said they were going to his Mom's but he was not thrilled with that prospect (long-story). I offered my garage, he thought about for it awhile and agreed. I even offered the use of all MY tools. Or maybe I should have termed it visitation.
I left them to their work and I went off to GAL.
I've been thinking a lot about anger and resentment since my outburst with S19 a couple of weeks ago. It really scared me as my anger is usually the P/A kind, almost never overt. I've slammed a few doors in my day but never kicked a chair or slammed a wall.
I've worked on tracing the root of my anger; what I've found is that shame and feeling invalidated, less than, my imperfection being "found out", are consistently my triggers.
And when that anger comes on it is so fast.
I've read that the brain processes anger 200 to 5,000 times faster than you can say, “I feel angry." So the work is to retrain the brain to manage emotions under stress.
That should keep me busy for a while.
But it's good to feel in control of self and makes it easier to allow others to have control of themselves. The more confident I feel in myself the less need I have to control my environment because I feel I can handle any circumstance that arises.
Thanks all who stopped by in the last couple of weeks.
Bug - It sounds like you are in a good place. I especially like to hear about the increasing contact with your H. Isn't there a saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder?"
Anyway, you are doing great! Keep it up!
labug, I am glad to hear you are in a reasonably good place. Hopefully the positive interactions with your H will multiply!
Really interesting how your H has been around more these days. He may feel safer around you.
I love how you traced your anger. The need to be a perfectionist is such a strong character defect it can definitely do a lot of harm if we dont keep our eye on it.
You are an amazing gift to us on these boards, I believe he will see that in you as well.
Oh BK, thanks!
All I know for sure is that I am becoming a gift to myself.
I know, sounds corny but it's true.
So, I'm off to work this morning, working straight through the weekend. This always sounds like a good thing when I put it on the schedule but when it actually arrives...not such a good thing.
A good thing about working at 2 jobs, every week has a payday!
S22 comes home from school this weekend. It will be good to have him home again for awhile. He mentioned doing some traveling but no concrete plans. H is going to pick him up at school. I miss those family things but it's good that they're making a guys day of it as S19 is going along.
Don't work too hard! Get some rest too! Very good that you can see the positives in your H's interactions with your sons.
You're a gift to more than just yourself!
Wow ces, thanks.
I'm just another traveler.
“Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what's out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.” Pema Chodron
Count your blessings in whatever form they may take.
I love the Pema Chodron quote. I have been reading her a lot lately and her words give me great comfort. Glad your S is coming home, enjoy!
Reading Pema has pulled me through some dark days.
Well friends and neighbors, it's been a rough weekend.
I'm wobbly.
Even tho I know I shouldn't I want to do a temp check, reach out and touch, poke the sleeping bear.
I'm sure it stems from having more contact with him and everything seems so "normal" or maybe strained-normal is a better term. Expectations creep in.
H's birthday is Friday and I find myself wanting to invite him out to dinner or breakfast.
Or I want to ask him, "WTF is going on, what does all this mean?" But I guess for someone in MLC (I cringe at that term) his actions are pretty normal.
But I come here and read zig's thread and ces' thread and get my head screwed on straight again.
Other advice and encouragement are welcome and appreciated.
Even tho I know I shouldn't I want to do a temp check, reach out and touch, poke the sleeping bear.
YO GIRL!! LET THAT THOUGHT GO, LIKE YESTERDAY!!
you poke a sleeping bear and you know that it's going to turn around and roar, or flip out a nasty paw and whack!!
go meditate - do double the yoga, anything else except that thought.
and sure, celebrate his birthday - BUT NOT WITH HIM - a very simple text saying happy birthday - no innuendos, no hints etc.
in fact my suggestion is already today - make plans for friday - the entire day - fill it up with all kinds of stuff - breakfast, lunch and dinner plans, and stuff in between and if there are any gaps require yourself to fill those with meditation yoga, bike riding like it's SO IMPORTANT that it's the end of the world if you don't do them.
and then if h happens to suggest spending any part of the day together - you can casually say - oh sorry my day is really filled up - and it is , right? how about another time.
or if all of you would be together, maybe you can "slightly reluctantly" agree to adjust your schedule, since it's a family thing.
you can do this labug - remember = you're doing what i described above as part of working towards saving your r. if you do a temp check you are working against that goal
chin up
and ((( )))
zig
Breath...
Its is birthday, if you want to invite him to dinner, go ahead. Just have no expectation of him saying "yes". And if he does, keep the conversation casual and away from the R unless he goes there. (of course you know this stuff, it just becomes less clear when we're so close to it).
I know what you mean when good interactions happen, the expectations creep in because we want them to continue. Reign it in and live your life!
Have a great day Bug!
okay - that was really funny - see , both ces and i were writing to you and the same time - and almost completely opposite stuff
so labug, laugh a bit, and realize that you have the ENTIRE spectrum of choices - and that's what's making you wobbly because now you have to choose.
that is the moment when all of us get a bit nutty and lose sight of our goals - when WE have to make the choice - not just of what to do, but the choice of how we are going to deal with the results (will we be strong enough to still not have expectations if this , this and this happened, etc etc), and what those actions or non actions mean.
so let it be for now., and every time it comes up in your mind, maybe you could tell yourself - it's okay if i don't decide now, i will allow the answer to come to me when i'm ready. that way you can take the pressure off yourself, and when your mind relaxes a bit, the right answer will come
trust that you will know what the right way to go about it is:)
Thanks zig and ces, good things to think about.
Great post Bug, really honest and true. Special occasions are hard. They bring back a lot of memories and remind us why we love family.
Why do you need to do a temperature check when you already know what the real feel is? You know he is coming over more, you know that he is more comfortable in the house, you know that you are nicer to be around.
Zig is right stay busy. We all have these temptations inside but keep 'em on the boards and dont share them yet with him.
The other day when H agreed to come over for D birthday, I suddenly wanted to email him and asked if we should go to a kids jumpy playroom before we came home for cake. I imagined how fun it would be to do an activity as a family and I so wanted to invite him to do that with us. I resisted the urge. I am so glad I did. My H came over for cake and he had no pressure from me. He felt no pressure to "have fun". Dont ask him to breakfast/lunch, let him come back at his own speed. (Super slow)
((()))
Thanks, for the dose of back bone, y'all.
And Bklyn, it will be super slow, I'm sure.
you just want to do a set of vitals? compare it to the baseline? see if the temps up?
oh bugsy.. it's not fun to see you struggling. but it's nice to know you're not wonder woman.
i suspect you'll see a lot more of this drawing closer.. pulling back dance. seems maybe H was testing the waters and decided.. just a little too warm and cozy.. need to withdraw to my cold dungeon. he's with his nothing box.
you know how much i love and admire you! don't work yourself too hard! maybe get some rest by the pool in vegas???
Wonder Woman, pish! I'm sure under her metal-clad breasts and superpowers, she was a fixer, too. How could you not be if you had superpowers?
Her H probably says, "You never give me a chance to get the bad guy, it's always all about you!"
I'm making it through this, probably doing some growing I needed to do.
Her H probably says, "You never give me a chance to get the bad guy, it's always all about you!"
shite labug - you just hit the crux of the issue with our WAS's. we never gave them a chance to feel validated.
funny you wrote that- it's what i'm thinking about a lot this last few days
I'm making it through this, probably doing some growing I needed to do.
i think you are right to approach it that way. every time "something" comes up, there's a lesson to be learned, a step to be taken, some new awareness or insight. let it come to you and relish the opportunity that you got to take one more little step forward
as for wonder women - heck it's taken for granted that we all are, right?
hope you have a smashing day, i sure intend to!!
zig
Thanks, zig, your posts always bring me something, a smile and insight, a question. Keep it coming.
Last night the sons and I went downtown and walked. It's a weekly event and hundreds show up to run or walk through the area, restaurants have special deals and there's music. It was a good opportunity for us to reconnect with S22 being home from uni.
We all enjoyed it. Parts of the DT area are as old as the mid 1800s, old adobe structures that have survived through out the years. It's really a mish-mash of architectural styles and I love it. The evenings are beautiful this time of year so it was a perfect opportunity to share something we all enjoy, art, architecture (S22-artist), history(S19-history buff). Me I love it all, and especially enjoying it with them.
We stopped for a bit in the Cathedral and even tho we aren't Catholic, not even religious, you can't help but be inspired by the beauty of that place.
We then had a big meal of burritos, tamales and a margarita for me.
Great GAL evening.
Her H probably says, "You never give me a chance to get the bad guy, it's always all about you!"
Too funny and probably too true... Another twist to this view that came to mind is from a song I like by Jack Johnson. The line goes:
"And you're so busy changing the world, and just one smile and you could change all of mine..."
Not just providing space for someone to do something valuable but actually time and attention to make them feel valuable....
Enjoy your week!
Wow, ces, you (and Jack) really hit the nail on the head.
I hate this process but I love this process. Make sense?
Know exactly what you mean, Bug!
Not just providing space for someone to do something valuable but actually time and attention to make them feel valuable....
oh i needed a reminder this morning, bad!
my sagitarrian free and wild side is coming out this morning and i suddenly find myself feeling so utterly bored and fed up with this whole sitch. that is definitely the super impatient side of me that wants everything now and what's the problem, isn't it obvious etc etc.
if there is anyone who needs to be "taught" here - it's me - about patience and respecting other peoples wishes and needs over my own - as in our WAS's no matter what they are doing
sweet of you to say what you did labug - and you do the same for me every time:)
great that you hung out with your sons - sounds like a wonderful evening - that kind of activity just soothes us deep down doesn't it - and carries us for a while, if we let it..
zig, I'm also sagittarius. And I'm feeling a bit of this
i suddenly find myself feeling so utterly bored and fed up with this whole sitch. that is definitely the super impatient side of me that wants everything now and what's the problem, isn't it obvious etc etc.
myself right now.
And to make matters more excruciating, I have a bunch of paperwork (insurance)to follow-up on and that makes me crazy.
I'll get it over early!
HATE paperwork. Best (and hardest) thing to do is just dive in and get it over with.
Hope you find more interesting things to enjoy today besides the paperwork!
I'm a Sag as well.
Sounds like you had a great time the other night w/ your son's Bug. I really cherish those moments much more now as I'm sure most of us do.
And I have unlimited paperwork to do today as well. Good Luck
aah - i knew we had something more in common:)
check out our horoscope for today:
"We all like easy answers. We all prefer to consider simple propositions. Few things in life feel quite as satisfying as the ability to reply to a question with an emphatic 'yes' or an irrefutable 'no'. Responses like, 'maybe' or 'perhaps' seem so irritatingly wishy-washy. You now feel particularly keen to establish a sense of certainty in an area of life where too much has become open-ended and unclear. But there are now some very good reasons for letting a little more time pass before you give or retract a final commitment"
how's that?
^^^
Is their an area in our lives that is open-ended or unclear?
Acceptance of that is the key.
I'm a Sag too, what is it with us?
well for starters:
too honest (always gets us in trouble - foot in the mouth syndrome)
impulsive
go-getters
a bit self-involved
very loud
sometimes obnoxious
but we also
love whole heartedly
are very fair
loyal, committed and a general pain in the a$$ when we don't shoot the arrow to the target
we, of course, are extremely lovable when our faults are NOT being looked at too closely
but then, again, who isn't...
WAS has no love for the horse-man?
my H is a sag. so now i'm all confused. lol
are you asking me?
oh i know he loves me tons - just can't live with me - she says breezily, as she picks up another arrow and tries to aim for the sky.....
i forgot one more- so insanely optimistic that you wonder if she's out of her head!!!
so am i - can't think how to figure it out from the other side (grin).
must be the self-involved aspect magnifying!!
I've come here several times to post this week and. just. couldn't.
Lots of emotion for various reasons. I no longer chastise myself for not being detached enough and just feel my feelings and let them go. Sometimes easy, sometimes not.
I had contact with H several times over the last few weeks, he brought S22 home from school, was spending time with S19. And then all of a sudden it's nothing. Typical for an MLC I guess but still hurts a little.
And this week was H's b-day (I should change his age in my sig line). I just texted Happy Birthday, he thanked me. Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL dead.
I've been working a lot on anger and resentment over the last couple of weeks. And I have a boatload to work on.
Many times I may not even realize that what I'm feeling is anger because I've become so used to stuffing it or denying my anger. My goal is to not be so concerned with the anger but rather my reaction to my anger.
Anger can come out in many different ways-rage, resentment, P/A behaviors. I've tried them all and let me save you some time-none of them will get you what you want. Unless you want to be unhappy.
My anger is usually borne of fear, loss of control, shame. Realizing this helps me gauge how I respond in situations so I'm not reacting out of anger. I'm also really understanding that others don't "make" me angry, that's all me and my choices.
And by the same token, I'm not responsible for the feelings of others. That is a freeing thought. As long as I'm speaking my truth without manipulation or deceit, their feelings are just that, their feelings.
S22 is applying for a passport for the first time as he wants to go to Canada (yes BF, Canada) this summer. I had explained the process as I knew it and then encouraged him to go to the internet and get the details. He hit a snag because of needing to make an appt to file the paperwork (which is new in the last year here). At this point I could feel fix-it mode kicking in and started looking for alternatives.
Then I just had to say STOP! to myself. He's 22, he can figure this out and if he doesn't get it done by the time he wants to leave, it's his life, let him live it.
So this has been a bit of a ramble but I needed to get it out.
Is this DBing? I don't know
Will it bust my divorce? Another don't know.
Is it moving me along a different path and toward a new and better place.
Yes!
I did increase my GAL activities this week. Got on my bike more, that's always a good thing.
Target practice with the sons yesterday, which was a great morning. I hadn't done that for a long time and it's always nice when your kids can teach you things, and you allow it. S19 is very knowledgeable about gun safety and so I soaked up all the information he had to give me. And thanked him for sharing it.
We stopped on the way home for a Sonoran hot dog!
Spent the afternoon with a friend catching up on last week's episode of Mad Men.
A pretty good week.
The work you are doing on yourself will bring you many gifts in the years to come. As you can already see improvement in your relationship with your sons. I love reading your posts. They are very honest and they are working towards solutions. Dealing with anger and not stuffing it are blessing and just acknowledging that you are doing it, it huge.
You are a big source of strength and wisdom and love for me. Keep you head up you are doing great:)
where in canada does he want to go?
and yes.. you are right. anger can come out in many different ways. i catch myself sometimes too. getting upset.. feeling resentful.. and then have to question myself why. constant work in progress.
La thanks for putting those feelings and thoughts out there. It helps me define how I feel and think also. You know I need translation some times. Tell S22 to take devil dogs and ocean water for you know who^^^^^^.Lol
Hey Bug, awareness is just an amazing tool. I heard somewhere that pain is like the body's warning system. When we feel it, it helps us recognize something is wrong and we need to do something to correct it.
IMO, emotional pain is the same way but it's far more difficult to recognize the source of the pain and what is needed to correct it.
You know I am struggling with the same stuff. An image came to me last night of how when my emotional pain comes, my judgement is clouded by resentment. Instead of being able to see the pain in me to deal with, it lures me to look outside myself to others as the fault or reason. So combine that with my human need to protect myself and it's a bad combo. In a way the image reminds me of the serpent in the garden. He mixed his words into the desires of people, misdirecting the feelings within to a false issue outside of ourselves claiming someone else was the reason for our discontent.
Your awareness is a beautiful thing and even more beautiful are your actions to do something better than the past. Hope you have a great day!
thanks for writing about this - the same stuff is coming up for me - hence the struggle.
the conflict between all the anger because of the sitch and then trying to forgive detach and let go - is a really challenging task, that we are all faced with
i'm finding more and more stuff about the little ways i just jump into specific reactions in situations - it's like we are hard-wired to react in the most subtle ways, and this is all about undoing all that wiring and rewiring it again.
the frustrating thing right now, is that i'm recognizing it and telling myself NOT to do it in that way, but when the situation arises, wow - my brain is already there before i even recognize consciously that that's the situation i have to watch my reaction in.
Zig after consistent practice the behavior will be on auto pilot. Keep at it
BK- Thank you. You inspire me by your growth and change. Let's keep each other on track.
bf-BC. He's always wanted to visit the Royal Terrell Museum, and that was the first answer. After my skeptical mom face he said, "oh yeah, and I'm going to meet (young woman from the internets)"
Rick-We'll start stocking up on the American junk food.
ces- Instead of being able to see the pain in me to deal with, it lures me to look outside myself to others as the fault or reason. So combine that with my human need to protect myself and it's a bad combo. That's it right there. We can't sit with our own pain. Getting angry at another person allows us to ignore ourselves, what we're really feeling, to try and feel better. Only nothing changes, more resentment builds and the cycle repeats itself with the next perceived hurt. This is a recipe for disaster.
zig- my brain is already there before i even recognize consciously that that's the situation i have to watch my reaction in. Me, too! Hours later the realization hits and I have one of those "o, shite!" moments. Google Stosny HEALS, you might find it useful.
Let's have a good week everyone!
Labug, in the short time I've "known" you, you've taught me that's it's okay to feel a certain way...just know why you're feeling that way, and then move on.
I have also been feeling like I'll never be detached enough. I'm so proud of all of the "looking inward" that you've done, and can only hope to be close to that one day.
An image came to me last night of how when my emotional pain comes, my judgement is clouded by resentment. Instead of being able to see the pain in me to deal with, it lures me to look outside myself to others as the fault or reason. So combine that with my human need to protect myself and it's a bad combo.
ces - i came in to say hi to labug and read this from you.
for a while now i have been sensing that a lot of the issues the WAS is dealing with and going through are not that dissimilar to what the LBS's are going through.
i wonder if you realize that what you wrote (which is what i am struggling with enormously, as you all know, the resentment) is EXACTLY what the WAS is going through also?
it's kind of freaking me , how much it also describes the WAS
now what does that say about the entire sitch - sheesh!!
labug - hope you're doing well
and you too ces
zig
Yes, zig, you're right.^^^
I'm fine, taking a bit of a break from the boards.
I wrote this elsewhere this am and thought I'd bring it over here because this is where I am in the process.
I think there's something to be said for "going to ground" to process things. I'm trying to develop that skill. I acted out based on my emotions far too many times for far too long...and here I am. I think you use your humor to deflect the deep feelings this is bringing up in you and I understand it's difficult to un-guard your heart as you might be hurt again. He's beginning to share with you, he's seemingly being vulnerable with you. Are you open to that? And by that I mean are you opening up to it, taking it in, allowing yourself to process it without judgment or expectation. Are you able to accept him as he is today.
...
Ahhhh it's my lesson to me. Writing it out in this way helps me open MYSELF up to it. I have no real lessons for others, only experiences. I'm trying to detach from my "drugs of choice" anger, victimhood, righteous indignation, outrage and see what it's like to accept each person in my life just as they are, just as god made them. Those "drugs" kept me hopped up for so long, I loved that high of being right and in control, using my mind to cut someone down to size. But when the high was gone, I was left with me...just another scared, unhappy junkie looking for another hit.
Thank you for sharing that labug. That is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I struggle with avoiding the pain of this moment by seeking a way to control this situation (instead of just me) or avoid by feeling "right" or victimized. None of these work for very long. It is time to face where I am and realize that I am okay, that I can get through this and that I can make a decision to grow and learn.
I often read your posts to others due to your wisdom. Thank you. ((( )))
I LOVE IT! I'm learning so much from just "knowing you". Love ya!
I'm trying to detach from my "drugs of choice" anger, victimhood, righteous indignation, outrage and see what it's like to accept each person in my life just as they are, just as god made them. Those "drugs" kept me hopped up for so long, I loved that high of being right and in control, using my mind to cut someone down to size. But when the high was gone, I was left with me...just another scared, unhappy junkie looking for another hit.
That's funny because those were my WAW's drugs before the split and only since then have I started using them.
I'm going to try and take your advice, let go of that stuff, and open up. I've been doing mindfulness meditations for weeks now, but it is still really hard not to judge.
Good luck on going cold turkey.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Thank you for sharing that labug. That is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I struggle with avoiding the pain of this moment by seeking a way to control this situation (instead of just me) or avoid by feeling "right" or victimized. None of these work for very long. It is time to face where I am and realize that I am okay, that I can get through this and that I can make a decision to grow and learn.
I often read your posts to others due to your wisdom. Thank you. ((( )))
I'm glad it helped you. Without admitting the hard stuff we can't move on.
Accepting others as they are doesn't mean we have to like what we are accepting but that they have their own life, their own journey.
I LOVE IT! I'm learning so much from just "knowing you". Love ya!
We spur growth in each other.
That's the beauty of the group process.
I'm going to try and take your advice, let go of that stuff, and open up. I've been doing mindfulness meditations for weeks now, but it is still really hard not to judge.
Good luck on going cold turkey.
Thanks for your thoughts.
The secret is to just keep doing it.
You're welcome, SAIS and ces!
i have been reading your post a couple of times. processing it through. ack!! La.. why do you always have to be so.. so right?? jk. thank you for writing this. i really learn so much when i read what others have to say. it forces me to consider things i wouldn't otherwise think about.
I'm trying to detach from my "drugs of choice" anger, victimhood, righteous indignation, outrage and see what it's like to accept each person in my life just as they are, just as god made them. Those "drugs" kept me hopped up for so long, I loved that high of being right and in control, using my mind to cut someone down to size. But when the high was gone, I was left with me...just another scared, unhappy junkie looking for another hit.
labug,
This is so insightful; I'm in awe of your ability to understand your own patterns and describe them in ways that can make such a difference to others struggling with similar issues.
Just wanted to let you know how much you've helped me with this.
Best, NLW.
I'm trying to detach from my "drugs of choice" anger, victimhood, righteous indignation, outrage and see what it's like to accept each person in my life just as they are, just as god made them. Those "drugs" kept me hopped up for so long, I loved that high of being right and in control, using my mind to cut someone down to size.
I know what you mean, labug. However, if you can detach from this and truly accept each person as they are, there is a lot of freedom to be found.
Well, I thought I was detached...
And then I got no acknowledgement on Mother's Day. Yes, it was an expectation. He had emailed me a Happy Mother's Day last year and we were S then. And I am still the mother of his children and a very good one, I might add. (Yes, they remembered.)
I'm hurting and I want to email him something hurtful...but I won't. I don't know that I could hurt him,
I'm not going to mind-read about why, I have to be OK with not knowing why or at least not speculating.
Help me walk through this.
((((((Bug)))))))))
His mistake. Not yours. Glad your sons remembered you on this day.
You're absolutely right about not e-mailing him. Regardless of the hurt, it won't help you.
Whether or not your H remembers has no bearing on how great a Mom you are. Don't let his screw-up take that from you!
Maybe go shoot something???
Put his picture up as your target at the local gun range....I tell ya it works miracles for any pent up agression....Just sayin.
Hang in there sweetie. I know it hurts.
Thanks, for the ideas.
I need to get back to work on my internal boundaries.
Big hugs, bug
Many things go through my head about your H and yesterday. Could he be wanting to see how you respond? Could he not be detached enough to send a card?
But my concern is not him, but you... Please take good care of yourself today, bug.
((( )))
Thanks, I'm off to my regular IC appt!
I think there's something to be said for "going to ground" to process things. I'm trying to develop that skill. I acted out based on my emotions far too many times for far too long...and here I am. I think you use your humor to deflect the deep feelings this is bringing up in you and I understand it's difficult to un-guard your heart as you might be hurt again.
...
this is so true. It's amazing to be able to see it and make a concious effort to change it. I just saw it as me stopping acting crazy. Waiting the 24 hours before I text some nastiness. I do use humor as a shield. I think so many of us do. I've always appreciated the advice you've given me and reading your thread has been really wonderful today. thank you!
Thanks, Brit.
Had a great (although a bit tearful)session with IC. But it got me where I needed to be, out of the victim role and into being grateful for my 2 sons who bought me funny cards and the kind of dark chocolate I love. We went out to dinner after I got off work and had a lovely time but I allowed it to be tainted by focusing on what I didn't have instead of being grateful for what I do have.
I think I need to go back to writing a daily gratitude list.
this is so true. It's amazing to be able to see it and make a concious effort to change it. I just saw it as me stopping acting crazy. Waiting the 24 hours before I text some nastiness. I do use humor as a shield. I think so many of us do. I've always appreciated the advice you've given me and reading your thread has been really wonderful today. thank you!
I think I like the waiting 24 hours thing. Not sure at all if I can do it, but sometime I know I NEED to. Thanks, Brit!
Thanks, Brit.
Had a great (although a bit tearful)session with IC. But it got me where I needed to be, out of the victim role and into being grateful for my 2 sons who bought me funny cards and the kind of dark chocolate I love. We went out to dinner after I got off work and had a lovely time but I allowed it to be tainted by focusing on what I didn't have instead of being grateful for what I do have.
I think I need to go back to writing a daily gratitude list.
Labug, I'm glad you went to your IC and worked through it. Your 2 sons love you, and showed you yesterday. I know how it is to have expectations and not have them met. Glad you didn't let it stop you from enjoying your sons celebration of you too much (even if you were calling your H a rat-b@stard in your head. LOL). Maybe we'll both get better about keeping every expectation low.
A gratitude list is a great idea, and one thing I've been meaning to start, but haven't. Thanks for reminding me I need to.
I think I need to go back to writing a daily gratitude list.
I love this idea and I think I may do the same!! Thanks for the inspiration bug! I have so much to be grateful for and I want to be sure to focus on that! Glad you are too!
I think I need to go back to writing a daily gratitude list.
I was doing this as well and have gotten away from it. It seems like when I was actively practicing living in gratitude that I felt much better across the board. What we focus on expands right?
We have so many wonderful things to be greatful for.
I'm glad you see that too Bug!
I love that idea too about a daily gratitude list, bug. What grace and courage you display. You are an example to me. Thank you.
I *used to* before I got out of bed close my eyes and mentally list things that I was thankful for. I don't so much anymore. Great nudge to get back to being grateful!
It's been an enervating but also invigorating 36-48 hours and I know that no matter how jarring those emotional thunderstorms are there's usually a silver lining in those clouds.
This cloud came with lots of moisture, as I cried as I haven't cried for months. I saw this ignoring of Mother's Day as a signal (yes mind-reading, yes expectations, I know, I know) of the end. And as my IC asked a few questions and I allowed the feelings to come up, it was all about fear. Fear of what's on the other side of the D line.
But as I talked through my feelings, the fears began to ease. I'm not afraid I'll be destitute, I will live in the same house and have the same bills that I have now and everything is fine. I'm not afraid of being alone, as he's been gone for over a year, so that part of my life won't change.
I don't like looking into the future and being alone but that's the future and whether I'm alone in it is up to me.
I do miss seeing him in my future. We've been together since we were 18 and he's always been in my future, it's hard to let that go but let it go, I must. That doesn't mean he won't be in my future but I have to let go of that vision to move forward.
So I feel much better today, more centered and on steadier ground. Remember the old song: I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way, Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind, Gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.
I want to put this thought out to all those early in this process. Those moments of meltdown can be helpful, they can lead to growth if you challenge yourself to get to what you are really feeling. If you get angry and stay angry, you will be in the same place a year from now.
If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"
If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.
If you get angry and stay angry, you will be in the same place a year from now.
Or in the words of pop culture, "Anger leads to the dark side..."
Bug, glad you're getting to the other side of the current storm. I appreciate how you seek and find the learning opportunities in these storms rather than focus on the storm itself.
Thanks for your willingness to put it out there for us. We all share these storms in our own way and seeing others move through them with grace and learning helps others know its possible.
(((Bug)))
It is a bit hard to be that "real" but I find I'm helped most by those who share the most.
Thanks for the hugs.
Bug I love your post. I feel like I am in a dark place today but I know that there will be a sunshiny day on the other side. Its just so hard sometimes.
Thanks for writing down how you made it through. It helps a lot
If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"
Loved this LaBug. So hard to see in the beginning. He!! I even lose sight of it after 14 months...
..but if you can hold on to it.... You WILL come out better than before.
Keep on keeping on!
Yes, Val, I have to keep reminding myself. Sometimes I get a little lost but thanks to my IC and this board, I reel myself back in.
BK, sorry you're having a dark day, but you can turn it around. I know it seems impossible but you can.