Have I mentioned how much I wag my finger at this 100 post cap on each thread? Geez Louis. I know we're working with what we've got, but this site needs to move with the times. Even a little. Hint hint, wink wink!
Anyway, here's my previous thread for those we would like to catch up...
Wife of 6-years divorcing me pt. 6 Hope everybody is having a better, awesomer and more sensible week than the last!
Well I have heard it said that NEW threads bring change.
So maybe this is an OMEN for some change for YOU.
Smaller threads supposedly make this particular board run faster.
Maybe they need to check with UBB, on the UBB forum they run longer threads, but who knows, they might not have the most updated software here.
Thanks Cadet. On the forums I'm on, I tend to create new threads when I'm ready. Ending one's thread at 100 messages to create a new one just feels forced sometimes, you know? That said, I understand the benefits of doing so as well.
UPDATE
This is likely going to be a BIG week for me (in terms of legal matters), I'll keep y'all posted. I just ask for your thoughts and prayers. I am not looking forward to the floodgates that are about to open.
UPDATE 6:08pm
The crap is about to hit the fan, and I have no idea what to expect, except for the worst. After going through a few edits, I've finally given the green light for my legal team to submit my filing for custody of our son.
Not sure if my lawyer has been talking with my wife's lawyer lately, but coincidentally my wife very brooding and in a very bad mood today when she arrived to fetch our son.
I hate this and have been asking God if this is the path He really wants me to take. I've always wanted to take the path of least resistance to difficult matters, so this is turning point for me.
Keep me in your prayers!
Thank you, Mr. Bond. Turns out my lawyer sent me one more set of forms to sign and mail back to them, so perhaps my wife was upset about something else? Oh well...I can't help how she's feeling.
JOURNALING...
I know I should be taking things one day at a time, but ever since I completed the custody filing, I'd be fine one moment, then nervous or heart-broken the next. Not the best kind of composure if I were interacting with my wife daily.
There are two outcomes (I can think of right now) that can come from this:
a. My wife also fights tooth and nail for custody, or
b. My wife comes to a realization that something more constructive (and less destructive) can be achieved between us
Also, just want to wish everyone Happy National High Five Day!
You deserve one for all the hard work (DB-wise) you do every day to make your life/marriage/love work.
Cheers to you!
woohoo!!!
HIGH FIVE!!!back at cha!
and an atta'boi 4 good measure...
UPDATE
No updates on the legal front...yet.
However, was reading my FB news feed last night and saw that my wife had added her milestones in her Timeline. She added her high school graduation in 2001 all the way up to present.
It's curious and interesting that when she added her Mission Trip to Asia in 2001, she put in all her stops EXCEPT her many stops to Malaysia (where at one of them, she met me). In 2002, she came for an internship at a church in Malaysia, which is also not in her Timeline. Of no surprise to me is the empty Timeline between 2003-2007 when we were dating/engaged/married.
What irks me is the fact that she is willing to cull all the great people, relationships (I'm not talking about me) and achievements during her 2001-2002 visits just because I was part of that picture?
With the history of how her family has broken relationships/bonds with people close to them, is this really how my wife forgets? By wiping them from her "history"?
I don’t think it is specific to your W. Mine has done similar removing or downplaying my presence for anything viewed as good or positive in the communal memory. I think it is just another tool in the WAS kit. As is digging for and accentuating every possible negative aspect of their lives with us. I have noted the affects of this on other family as it creates chaos and dissonance in their lives also.
It is best not to dwell upon it. These actions are owned by our WASs and as such so are the outcomes.
Ya, I'm not dwelling on it too much. Just the part that she left other people (during her mission trip, i.e. God's work) out of that part of her life too.
Maybe I should add stuff to my Timeline too. I just noticed that there's an option to enter "Relationship Ended" too. Ha-ha. One of my 180s is transparency and honestly after all!
You know alamo... we do talk about keeping the road home paved and smooth... but do we hide from our anger for that reason? Pretend we aren't upset...?
I poke the bear from time to time... helps me dump stuff in little bits... but in small enough chunks and in as positive ways and intentions as possible...
maybe... if you feel like you gotta poke the bear... do it... just watch your reaction... don't react to something that you instigated...
I agree, Kaffe. I've never used FB to talk about details of our separation and all, just random stuff like "Going through challenging patch, please pray" or something like that. The only time I made a distinct indication of what's going on is when I first joined FB back in 12/10 - I changed my relationship status to 'Separated'. And my wife, at that point, still had her status as 'Married'. When she noticed my new status, she changed hers too.
In terms of my thoughts on putting a 'Relationship Ended' date on my Timeline (which I won't, BTW), I can't remember who in this forum instilled in me earlier on that I have to face the fact that THIS marriage is dead, so why not be honest about it? That's what I tell my friend and family or anybody I talk to -- that I'm not out to save this marriage in the traditional sense, because if my wife and I do decided to work together again, it would be from scratch. Take the good, remember the old and build on that.
Keeping the road home paved and smooth, frankly I’ve been ignoring the road home. I needed that reminder.
I live an easy bike ride from Lake Erie. I’ve visualized being the breakwater wall to her assault waves. Stoicism was one of the virtues that she was attracted to when we met. Lately as this only seems to up the tension I have considered using FB to respond like Alamo.
I need to keep in mind and I would suggest we all should “more than just our WAS will see”. We teach and show the manner of people we are by what we post. In my case this includes my children and extended family nieces, nephews etc.
So measured, positive posts are the order of the day. There is no expectation of privacy using this tool.
Yes JS. I would not suggest public outbursts if we vent... fb is public... that's a big reason why it is recommended to not use fb to snoop or make "statements"...
and a problem is, it is possible that our intention is negative...
so no... a poking the bear in a public forum (like facebook) would not be good for anyone...
UPDATE
I've just been informed that our mediation/court date is June 4th. May the good Lord have mercy on our souls...
Thank you, jon! My stomach wrenches tight every time I think about it.
UPDATE 6:01pm
Wow, I don't even want to talk to about the negativity my wife put out when she came to pick our son up. Everything that came out of her mouth was passive aggressive. The sad part is that she wasn't doing it directly to me, but at our son. For example, he started saying a funny new word (that his teacher and friends had been fooling around with): "Banana pants!!" So as we buckled him in her car, I said, "See you, Mr. Banana Pants!" He laughs and my wife goes, "Hmm, I don't know about that." I kept the tone positive for our son by adding, "Was Kaiden (our son's friend at daycare) Mr. Banana Shirt?" Our son laughs and says, "No, you ARE, daddy!"
I'm certain she's reacting to my custody filing. Or maybe she's just having another be-mean-to-alamo-and-see-how-he-reacts day.
The coming month is going to be very trying. Folks remind me to leave things in God's hand...to let it go, because he knows what best for our son. Well, the leaving-it-with-God part is really the toughest part for me. I can't bear to imagine if the courts (or He) say that what's best for our son is life without me or less of me.
Of course, that just reveals a lack of faith and trust on my part and exposes the fragility of my being right now.
It's so easy to lash out, but I won't.
It's so tempting to be angry and spiteful at my wife, but I won't.
It's so easy point fingers, but I will keep looking at myself first.
It's so easy to go the worldly route, so I will look to God instead.
It's so hard to love and forgive, but I will because it's the right thing to do.
SIDENOTE
Attended my first two online SLAA meetings yesterday evening (@two separate sites). Here I thought I had a bad case of addiction... many of the good folks there have it really serious and struggle with it way more than I do. It's really humbling actually. There are more female sex addicts out there than I thought. From the meetings I've been in, they are the majority.
UPDATE
Hmm, I thought my wife would've been served with the custody court order by now, because I received the following email from her implying that she hasn't. Or could she have a different intention here? Thoughts?
"Hi Alamo,
I'm wondering if we could sit down and discuss whether or not you'll be moving to SC, and if not, how we should arrange your time with E. My graduation date and move date is fast approaching, and I'm kinda surprised you haven't made any plans to discuss with me. I take your lack of action as a suggestion that you plan to just allow me to move with E with no intention of seeing him again. If this is your plan just let me know.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Wife"
Contact your lawyer and see what the status is.
I would respond to her saying that your son is the most important thing to you and that she should be receiving legal documents shortly.
I have to say, that second to the last sentence is your W being a b*tch. That was pretty heartless of her to say something like that. How often do you see your son now?
Contact your lawyer and see what the status is.
I would respond to her saying that your son is the most important thing to you and that she should be receiving legal documents shortly.
I have to say, that second to the last sentence is your W being a b*tch. That was pretty heartless of her to say something like that. How often do you see your son now?
My paralegal informed me that the documents were mailed to my wife's new counsel on 04/23 (Monday) and that it's possible that (a) They haven't received it yet, or (b) they have it, but have not contacted my wife yet.
It's also interesting that the last time I asked to discuss with her about a balanced parenting schedule for our son, she sent me that now very infamous letter y'all know and read. Yet now she wants to discuss, likely on her own terms.
What happened to the woman I met and married several years ago?
The coming month is going to be very trying. Folks remind me to leave things in God's hand...to let it go, because he knows what best for our son. Well, the leaving-it-with-God part is really the toughest part for me. I can't bear to imagine if the courts (or He) say that what's best for our son is life without me or less of me.
Of course, that just reveals a lack of faith and trust on my part and exposes the fragility of my being right now.
It's so easy to lash out, but I won't.
It's so tempting to be angry and spiteful at my wife, but I won't.
It's so easy point fingers, but I will keep looking at myself first.
It's so easy to go the worldly route, so I will look to God instead.
It's so hard to love and forgive, but I will because it's the right thing to do.
Well said Alamo. Hold your head up high...
...and keep on keeping on.
Thanks Valeska! You keep keep on keeping on too!
Since this is a touchy "subject", I wanted to run the draft of my response to my wife by everybody before I send it off tonight or tomorrow.
"Dear Wife,
Thanks for touching bases with me. E is the most important person in my life, so ensuring he is close and cared for is my top priority. I have made legal arrangements regarding your question, so if you haven't already been briefed by your counsel, then you should be receiving legal documents soon.
Alamo"
Last night, as I got our son ready for bed, part of his bedtime prayer went like this: "God, thank you for mommy, daddy and Bella (our dog) for loving me." Melted my heart, and also made me shed a tear for all of us.
I think the letter sounds good alamo.
Sounds good, send it. I would say "touching base" instead of "bases"
Appreciate the quick responses Valeska and Jon! Y'all have been very helpful in my situation.
Well, as if thing weren't complicated enough, here an update...
UPDATE 7:23pm
When she came to pick our son up, my wife confronts me about the letter she sent. (Rats, I was hoping to send her THE response tonight.) She asked if I was moving or not. I said I haven't found a lot related to my field/career there, so the move will depend on what I find. She gets pissed off that I had since February to look, and she thinks that I'm making excuses just like I always have...e.g. back in Texas or when we first moved here to California.
I told her that I will respond to her letter tonight. Then she says:
W: Well, why don't we talk about it now? You better not try anything funny. I'm leaving soon...
M: When ARE you leaving?
W: June 10th...actually I have to be THERE by June 10th. So if you do something to hold up my residency, I will be a stay-at-home mom and you can support us for a whole year. (She smirks)
W: I'll never do that to him (points to our son).
So can anybody tell me what is going through her mind? Because I can't.
I didn't not mention the court date or anything more because I felt that she was talking too much about this in front of our son. I said:
M: Let's talk about this another time. Not here.
My wife then goes on to talk about why I'm making excuses of moving there or finding a job.
W: You work in HR, ha-ha...How hard is it to find something like that there? Yadda yadda yadda.
All she kept bringing up was the past and my past. I just kissed and said bye to our son.
Then she said, "So much for me trying to talk nicely to you."
M: Thanks for speaking nicely.
W: Right.
M: No, thanks again for speaking nicely. It's been awhile since you've done that.
And I closed the door.
What really bothers me is what she said about staying at home and skipping this year. I don't mind supporting her and ll that if she did, but I can expect a lot of hatin' from her, at least initially.
Man, had bad dreams about yesterday's incident all...night...long.
So I sent the response email to my wife this morning as I wrote above, with the addition of the text in bold below:
"Dear Wife,
Thanks for touching base with me. E is the most important person in my life, so ensuring he is close and cared for is my top priority. I had made legal arrangements regarding your question, so if you haven't already been briefed by your counselor (it's been two weeks already), then you should be receiving legal documents soon.
- Alamo"
If she confronts me about it again, that I'm sabotaging her plans, I will let her know that this custody request was spurred by her infamous letter and the move to SC, but has nothing to do exclusively with keeping her from moving.
UPDATE
Our son and I are playing hokey from church tomorrow to go to the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz for some fun in the sun! We're both so looking forward to it.
It's also a weird feeling after sending off that email to my wife. These past 2-3 weeks since I started the custody filing process, I've been somewhat on edge, expecting a blow out or something from my wife. And when she was short and angry last week, I thought she had finally found out what was going on (from her lawyer, at least). I felt good after that, but it turns out that she doesn't know and hasn't been informed, So my edginess is back, because now she just heard it from the horse's mouth.
I'm expecting the worse tomorrow when she picks our son up from here. Prayers please!
I know people say to think positive, but I don't think planning for the worst is a bad idea.
Better to be prepared and pleasantly surprised of a good outcome...
... then get sideswiped.
I know people say to think positive, but I don't think planning for the worst is a bad idea.
Better to be prepared and pleasantly surprised of a good outcome...
... then get sideswiped.
I agree. I tend to be easily thrown off-guard when I'm not prepared for the worst. Maybe it lends to the doormat effect.
And speaking of which, I do wonder what I'd have to do if my wife does agree to the custody terms (in the context of if I move to SC). That means I'll have to back the talk and walk the walk. However, it's really hard to find work similar to mine over there. I've been scouting out for the past 3 months, so I hope things will pick up soon in terms of options.
Also, I had an amazing time in Santa Cruz with our son yesterday. Hope we have a chance to revisit that place real soon; we couldn't get enough of the rides!
UPDATE 6:01pm
Wife comes to fetch our son from my place. After buckling him in, she looks at me and says (with a "smile"):
W: That was evasive, the way you went about things.
M: Evasive?
W: The way you responded to my letter, it was very evasive.
W: [Pause] Then again, I wasn't expecting much.
M: Hmm. Okay. [I close the car door, stepped back and said goodbye to our son]
I know my reaction will not help evoke in my wife any memories of our past friendship or anything, but my question is: should I be? Should I be friendly, should I be kind? You know, some of the things the Bible suggests we do. I'm truly struggling with this.
As a sidenote, I was also expecting a reaction somewhat stronger than this from my wife. I suppose her legal response will be most telling.
Just be straightforward and look her dead in the eyes when you are talking to her so that she knows you mean business.
The WAS will often treat the LBS suspiciously because that's how they themselves have been acting. Be prepared for the fallout. She has the air of superiority over you. With each interaction, stand straight and tall to exude confidence. You can do this.
Hey MrBond, I appreciate you dropping in. How are you doing this fair Monday?
I think the tricky part about standing tall and exuding confidence (at least in our situation and context) is that my wife may be reminded of (in her eyes) my taking advantage of her and her life in general. As a spouse of a porn addict, that IS the mindset. Now that she's "free" of me, her so-called 180 is to be herself again, to be self-worthy, to be more confident over me.
So when I stand strong and be assertive (as positive traits), couldn't it remind her of her helplessness and "victimization"?
"So when I stand strong and be assertive (as positive traits), couldn't it remind her of her helplessness and "victimization"?"
Are you frickin' kidding me? Have you actually listened to the interactions with your W? Sounds like she rubs it in your face. It doesn't sound like a victim to me. Sounds like a smug spoiled brat.
You don't need to rub her face in it, but if you show her that you are a MAN then she will start respecting you. This is just something small you can do right off the bat. Stand tall and strong. That's how it was when you were first dating right?
She wants a man not a doormat.
Her words and her smile were very smug and a bit cruel. You are getting good advice.
And the fact that she does this in front of our son makes her look worse in my eyes. Why WASes behave like this is beyond me. I mean, I know why, but why they chose to just blows my mind. Yesterday my wife "liked" a Pinterest posting regarding DIVORCE that says,
"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go."
A sign of things to come? All I have to say to that is "come what may".
UPDATE 8:42am
Wife texts me the following:
"I kept E home today. Hope the "job hunt" is going well. You know its such a shame an asian guy thinks he'll face prejudice in s.c. Weird how my dad an iranian male after the hostage crisis was able to find work in a saw mill, then baking bread for a deli, delivering pizza then a self employed electrician, all in a rural town (in) texas. And even now in backwoods Tennessee after 9/11 he's one of the most successful car dealers. Strange world."
I'm drafting this response:
"Sorry I wasn't clearer about what I said yesterday. The field I'm in is still a growing industry, yet many companies still don't see the need in-house adult education. So I meant that in SC, careers in this field are not as widespread or as popular."
Any thoughts? Feels like I'm missing something.
There is no response required to her nasty email.
Your response is defensive and sounds like excuses, doesn't win you any points. If you want to win points, work harder on getting a job in SC. Good luck.
I don't like her sarcasm and the way she communicates passive aggressively. You have to read between the lines to hear her message, which is that she thinks you should find a job outside your field to make some money until you can find one within your field. Without answering her, what do YOU think about that? Would you, could you get a job somewhere so that you can be near your son?
Don't respond. Or you could say "thanks for letting me know about E" I hope he's okay. Have a good day." Just to show her a sign of strength on your part.
Save a copy of all of these emails. They are perfect for your custody of your child.
When she insists on talking to you in person, tell her to email you the info since you're busy. All of her emails will be full of sarcasm, so save all of them and give them to your L.
She'll be stunned when she finds out about that and may just slap the bitchiness out of her. Metaphorically of course.
Wow, two for two in favor of 'Do not respond'. Thanks for the quick reply, guys.
I've saved every text and email she's sent since she left, as well as documented many of them here.
I have just been placed in a great career opportunity here in CA, so the thought of having to move somewhere new (essentially for her benefit) and start from scratch (again), is a hard thing to consider. Nonetheless, I'm still looking. God opens door when He wants to.
Alamo76.
I've only read her text and your proposed response. From that info I would agree with those that say do not respond.
I feel the abuse coming from her text. Rough stuff. I suspect lashing out like that seeking feedback from you. To not respond in situations like that, and better yet, to not feel the need to respond would be much more empowering for you. I don't know what your past patterns have been, but if your current responses aren't working perhaps it's time to stop responding.
OK I went back earlier, you may want to hide her on FB or unfriend her. It's not helping you.
You still seem close to the situation. She's still able to affect you. You've left open access for her to reach out and slap you in the face whenever she wants. You don't want to need anything from her right now and discussions it would seem best to remain minimal and strictly business.
Take care of yourself.
That's my reaction to what I read. But Like I said I have a limited basis for understanding your situation.
Yes Alamo - God will take care of you.
You just have to be open to listening to what he is saying, even if it's not what you want.
Touching base on the being a Good Christian - I too struggled with this very question. Asking myself "what about unconditional love. what about turning the other cheek".. etc.
Sometimes God Loves us enough to let painful things happen.
He loves us enough to allow us to make our own decisions.
He will always be there for us, but he let's us go to find our own way back to him. He knows he can't force us to love him.
He also loves us enough to let us feel the consequences of our actions.
That is his unconditional love for us.
And that's the way you need to look at it with your wife. You love her enough to let her go, allow her to feel the consequences of her actions. Love her enough to show her how to treat you with respect.
Tough love is a form of love.. and it's "tough" for both people involved.
IMO - You can totally be a Christian man whilst setting boundaries. But you need to believe that to be true because most likely your w won't see that.
You do that by checking your heart constantly.
For example: I'm sure you're wife is just as scared to lose your S as you are. The idea of spending less time with him probably breaks her heart the same way it does yours.
Yes.. she chose this... but you can still understand where she is coming from.
And from that understanding.. you can be firm, but not cruel.
And that is STILL being a Christian.
Clove - Thanks for reading up on my thread. Regarding FB, my wife (when she left) blocked me from seeing her posts. But occasionally, I get the random Pinterest or Info updates. At more than the same time last year, I did the standard LBS misstep of wanting to know what was going on in her life, etc. Nowadays, I couldn't care - believe 50% of what they do and even less of what they say, right?
Valeska - You see, that's the tough part (but know I don't disagree with you at all): By being Christian w/boundaries is good for me, but not good with my wife perception of me, who sees the negative in everything that I do. There are two conflicts I have, for the lack of a better word:
1. The DB/DR "rule" of trying something new if what I'm doing right now doesn't work. Boundaries and religious beliefs shouldn't need to back down if something doesn't work.
2. The fact that I'm taking "my sister to court" isn't very Christian at all. What is the purpose of it all? To protect by boundaries? To protect myself? To protect our son? In the legal and practical context, yes, yes and yes.
UPDATE
Today our daycare teacher asked me if my wife and I are discussing about the upcoming move and especially our son. I said not really, and gave her a bit more details of the custody case and that the court date is on June 4.
Then the teacher had a surprised look on her face and said that my wife had told her that June 4 was also our son's last day there. What?
You should tell your lawyer what the daycare teacher said right away. She may need to be a witness. Also, have your lawyer consider getting some kind of injunction to keep your wife from moving your son or changing his daycare etc. while the case is pending. Seriously, don't wait.
All I can say to the words of this song is...wow. Thanks for letting me share.
BLEED RED by Ronnie Dunn
Let's say we're sorry 'fore it's too late
Give forgiveness a chance
Turn the anger into water
Let it slip through our hands
We all bleed red, we all taste rain
All fall down, lose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears, we all bleed red
If we're fighting, we're both losing
We're just wasting our time
Because my scars, they are your scars
And your world is mine
You and I, we all bleed red, we all taste rain
All fall down, lose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears, we all bleed red
Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak
Sometimes we're hurt and it cuts deep
We live this life breath to breath
We're all the same, we all bleed red
Let's say we're sorry 'fore it's too late
We all bleed red, all taste rain
All fall down, lose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears, all bleed red
Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak
Sometimes we're hurt, it cuts deep
We live this life breath to breath
We're all the same, we all bleed red
UPDATE
Talk about cold shoulders! This past week and a half my wife has been more stand-offish than usual and with good reason.
Still trying to keep my boundaries fortified in case she tries to test them even further.
On the plus side (for our son), she's been able to get personal time with him today (she took him out of daycare), which is one of her off days from ER rotations.
"my wife has been more stand-offish than usual and with good reason."
What was the reason?
"my wife has been more stand-offish than usual and with good reason."
What was the reason?
She finally found out that I had filed for joint custody and that our court date supposed coincided with her move date to SC. Or maybe there's another reason. Who knows exactly what the WAS is truly thinking/feeling/planning, right?
Ha! That sure was a slap of reality for her.
You be sure to keep friendly and cordial with her.
Stay strong.
By being Christian w/boundaries is good for me, but not good with my wife perception of me, who sees the negative in everything that I do.
There is only so much you can do... at the end of the day... it's up to her.
I tell this story of my sister. When she found out she had lupus in her early 20s.. she went off the deep end a little bit. She lost her kids because of her irresponsibility. She caused alot of damage to me and my family.
She went on a path of destruction for about a decade. I distanced myself from her as much as possible.
4 years ago - she got REALLY sick. I went home to take care of the 2 of the 5 kids she still had custody of. I saw a change in her.. but I didn't want to believe it.
We got closer - but I will still hesitant. I was still allowing "my perception" of her blind what was in front on my eyes....
... but my S finally gave me the opportunity to let go and forgive her. And I did. My sister had showed me for years her heart had changed... but in the end.. it was up to ME to believe.
The same rings true for you. You are a changed man.. it will be up to her to see it.
You just stay on your path. You won't be perfect at it.. but you can't worry about how your w will perceive every action.
It will drive you nutz!
1. The DB/DR "rule" of trying something new if what I'm doing right now doesn't work. Boundaries and religious beliefs shouldn't need to back down if something doesn't work.
I struggle with this too.. but Michelle does say that sometimes... nothing works..
And that's ok. It sukks.. but it's ok.
Boundaries are a MUST to any healthy relationship. Your r with your w right not isn't healthy which is why they seem so wrong.
Do you boundaries with friends and family?
the fact that I'm taking "my sister to court" isn't very Christian at all. What is the purpose of it all? To protect by boundaries? To protect myself? To protect our son? In the legal and practical context, yes, yes and yes.
Let me ask you a hard question and forgive me for the 2x4 BUT
It is very Christian of you to give up on your Son? To rip him from the joys of having a father in his life?
Is is loving that he experiences the pain of not having you in his life... because you thought that p!ssing off your w was "un-christian".
Look Alamo - I know it's hard but YOUR WIFE CHOSE THIS.
You are not punishing her by taking her to court for your son. You are choosing to love your son.
Honestly - I don't think there is anything wrong for fighting to keep your son in Cali.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you moving to SC to have a relationship with your son....
But whatever the decision, it needs to be based PURELY on your relationship with him...
... and currently I still feel like it's still about your w.
She will perceive what SHE WANTS TO...
... which is why it's even more important that only do things based of who YOU want to be.
((( )))
Ha! That sure was a slap of reality for her.
You be sure to keep friendly and cordial with her.
Stay strong.
You betcha, Mr. Bond. I've remained polite and friendly.
By being Christian w/boundaries is good for me, but not good with my wife perception of me, who sees the negative in everything that I do.
There is only so much you can do... at the end of the day... it's up to her.
I tell this story of my sister. When she found out she had lupus in her early 20s.. she went off the deep end a little bit. She lost her kids because of her irresponsibility. She caused alot of damage to me and my family.
She went on a path of destruction for about a decade. I distanced myself from her as much as possible.
4 years ago - she got REALLY sick. I went home to take care of the 2 of the 5 kids she still had custody of. I saw a change in her.. but I didn't want to believe it.
We got closer - but I will still hesitant. I was still allowing "my perception" of her blind what was in front on my eyes....
... but my S finally gave me the opportunity to let go and forgive her. And I did. My sister had showed me for years her heart had changed... but in the end.. it was up to ME to believe.
The same rings true for you. You are a changed man.. it will be up to her to see it.
You just stay on your path. You won't be perfect at it.. but you can't worry about how your w will perceive every action.
It will drive you nutz!
1. The DB/DR "rule" of trying something new if what I'm doing right now doesn't work. Boundaries and religious beliefs shouldn't need to back down if something doesn't work.
I struggle with this too.. but Michelle does say that sometimes... nothing works..
And that's ok. It sukks.. but it's ok.
Boundaries are a MUST to any healthy relationship. Your r with your w right not isn't healthy which is why they seem so wrong.
Do you boundaries with friends and family?
the fact that I'm taking "my sister to court" isn't very Christian at all. What is the purpose of it all? To protect by boundaries? To protect myself? To protect our son? In the legal and practical context, yes, yes and yes.
Let me ask you a hard question and forgive me for the 2x4 BUT
It is very Christian of you to give up on your Son? To rip him from the joys of having a father in his life?
Is is loving that he experiences the pain of not having you in his life... because you thought that p!ssing off your w was "un-christian".
Look Alamo - I know it's hard but YOUR WIFE CHOSE THIS.
You are not punishing her by taking her to court for your son. You are choosing to love your son.
Honestly - I don't think there is anything wrong for fighting to keep your son in Cali.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you moving to SC to have a relationship with your son....
But whatever the decision, it needs to be based PURELY on your relationship with him...
... and currently I still feel like it's still about your w.
She will perceive what SHE WANTS TO...
... which is why it's even more important that only do things based of who YOU want to be.
((( )))
Words of wisdom from the venerable Valeska. I do realize that I have to fight for our son, but at the same time I don't want to tear him away from his mother (it's part of the reason why - if you've read my posts since Day 1, I've never said "MY son", but rather "OUR son", because I don't believe in the concept of "owning" a child in the context of separation/divorce). The ultimate question I ask is every morning is: Does this glorify God?
UPDATE 3:59pm
My wife had our son for the day and when I came to pick him up for the short evening, one of the first thing she happily said was "I enrolled E in a Montessori school in South Carolina." Making educational decisions w/o me? Or is she so certain that her allegations against me will no doubt give her primary custody of our son? Or both?
...she happily said was "I enrolled E in a Montessori school in South Carolina." Making educational decisions w/o me? Or is she so certain that her allegations against me will no doubt give her primary custody of our son? Or both?
Or she's just pushing buttons, Alamo...
Quietly work through that and/or let it go...
She really had no right to do that. Talk to your lawyer and see what they say about that. She can't just take your son out of state without your consent. That's like kidnapping.
I agree with KD that she is pushing your buttons.
Best advice often given on this board.. keep your mouth shut.
Should you decide to move to SC with her as to not tear your son away from his mom....
... could you do it without expecations?
Could you do it knowing that it may NOT lead to reconciling with your w?
Could you do it knowing that she may never see the gift and sacrifice you made for both her and your son?
Could you do it without building resentment in your heart?
Dig deep for the answer my friend... but know that it is a choice that you will have to make many times.
When I wanted to move to LA.. my w did a great job of supporting me. First thing she threw in my face at our first mediation was the move.
I do not fault her for having those feelings (I'm almost 4 years in and FINALLY getting financially stable 'in her eyes') but I do hold her accountable for allowing those feelings of resentment to grow.
There is no doubt in my mind that if you moved that you too would have moments of resentment....
The question is... could you squash them? or would you allow them to fester?
I do of course agree with Bond, and IF she did it, it would be kidnapping, but IANAL...
But... I would be careful about that, too...
Because a L might act on your behalf, without prudence. IOW, I consulted with a L and that L then contacted my W's L indicating that I COULD go after spousal and child support. In my W's L relaying that info to my W, my W "heard" it as though I WAS going after spousal.
Your pattern has tended to either react directly to your W when she pushed your buttons or to go to your L whom then took action on your behalf, only to prove once again to your W that she could push your buttons...
Move your buttons, Alamo... I'd suspect that your W can not enroll your S in any other school without your consent unless your W gets appropriate custody. Your L will take care of that, whether you tell your L what your W said and involve yourself or not...
Show your W she can no longer push her buttons...
erm...
Show your W she can no longer push YOUR buttons...
Kaffe, Mr. Bond, Valeska - Aside from couple of fall-backs over the last year and half since she left, I have made it a point not respond negatively to her button-pushing. Before my 180, I would talk back and/or become angry whenever she said things a certain way.
Nonetheless, I guess it's become my nature to report pretty much every major thing my wife does here, because I know I lack insight in a lot of areas. It doesn't reflect my lack of DB/DRing, but I do need 2x4s once in a while, especially lately. More than ever, I need to stay resilient and keep my act together.
On a truly positive note:
I can't believe it's here... a 10-day countdown to 365.25 days of being porn- and masturbation-free!
So here goes: 10...
Fair enough, alamo. You know that you are safe to vent here, even if we do pass out the 2x4s...
Awesome on your days "sober"! When we can control our addictions, we find the strength and courage to do most anything...
I do understand that you have not shown your W that she is pushing your buttons. Like the addiction, it's still a matter of continuing to do so. Because lets say that the two of you magically R. She'd still test you by pushing your buttons, 5 years and 20 years from now...
Like the addiction, it's still a matter of continuing to do so. Because lets say that the two of you magically R. She'd still test you by pushing your buttons, 5 years and 20 years from now...
^^ So true ^^
UPDATE 6:00pm
Get an email and voicemail from my paralegal and he informed me that my wife now claims that she did not receive the legal documents and the court date notice. So two things could happen:
a. Send/serve her an emergency set of the documents at a high monetary cost, or
b. If she files a complaint that she did not receive it, the court would probably just defer the hearing date and probably push it even closer or past her report-to-work date of 6/10, which wouldn't be in her favor.
My legal team have proof that the documents were properly served, but I'll call them tomorrow to find out more details.
Can things get more convoluted?
Your wife is displaying the old ostrich syndrome. She has created a perfect little fantasy for herself, rubbed your face in it and planned to run away.
Let your legal team do what they need to do. They have proof so your wife can't deny anything. If she files a complaint, let her and let her pay for it. Don't accommodate her with the emergency set of documents. She was served, she just doesn't want to acknowledge them.
Be very careful though. Your wife may just take your son any way in her warped thinking. Be sure your legal team is aware of this.
Hmm, how is my wife finding out purchases I made on Amazon last year?
She sent me a text asking why I was so anxious to have a, ahem, prostate massager, I bought in November entered into public record? I definitely didn't legally release that information (it's not even part of the financial disclosure), unless she's been going to our/my online accounts to snoop and trying to take pot-shots at me. I thought I've changed them all, but I guess not. Anyway, Amazon password = changed.
Change all of your passwords asap. Check your house for key loggers too. It seems like your W is gathering evidence against you to show that you are a danger to your son so she can take him away. It's so obvious. Protect yourself right away.
Also, if you have any sensitive documents around, put them away before she can see them. She may take them when you're not around.
Yet, she still allows our son to stay with me. That's the ultimate clincher.
Anyway UPDATE #2
She sent me a new text:
"In addition I have proof of the child porn. Did i mention to you its a federal offense to posess such material... no matter how u obtain it. Even if I bought into your lies a judge wont. Its only fair for me to warn u. And thats just the tip of the iceberg."
Well, it would be an offense if I possess it, but I don't or don't see how I could unless she planted it into my new computer.
My wife is going off the deep end.
Yikes. Get your L on the phone stat. Make backups of everything you need to!
That she allows your son to stay with you is actually probably really helpful - if you have emails or texts talking about him staying with you and her being okay with it or anything like that, save them and back them up.
Agreed. Protect yourself right away. Save all those emails from your wife that shows how lousy of a parent she's been.
Your W is getting really desperate.
IANAL, although I was advised that if my W really felt that I was an unsafe parent, then she should not be allowing my kids to stay with me (and vice versa). Your W may be implicating herself by allowing your S to stay with you if she really thought she had some legal case.
I want to continue to stress this, although I really do agree that you should seek legal counsel.
Is there any way that you can communicate with your L that you DO NOT wish them to contact your W's L regarding this. That you are simply providing them with information that your W has stated to you.
If she can't get you to react to her threats (the initial one being that she is taking your S to SC and has already enrolled him there), then she is going even further to get you to react by implicating you as some sex fiend and even a miscreant and child abuser.
I implore you to do what ever you can to not allow feedback to get to her that indicates you are reacting to her attempts to get you to show a "bad side".
let me put it this way, in a DB fashion:
+ when we react in a highly emotional way, it suggests that the accusation stings and may have some truth or validity to it
If an accusation is truly wrong and/or way off centre, then we can easily discount it as incorrect and give it no further thought.
When our spouses are highly defensive about an OP (denying there is one), we do often find that there is (at the very least) some truth and evidence.
Is there any way that you can communicate with your L that you DO NOT wish them to contact your W's L regarding this. That you are simply providing them with information that your W has stated to you.
If you instructs your L not to contact W's L about this, your L should keep that confidence. I agree that you should be clear that this is solely for informational and strategy purposes and not to be a discussion point between the Ls right now.
I journaled about the child porn issue last year:
My journal entry - Click here Unless my wife kept a copy of the files from 2005 or contact our therapist back in TX for the interview transcript, I don't see how she can back up what she says. And even if she did, they don't prove I am into child porn or possess them now.
So to add on to what you said Kaffe, what she says does sting a little because of the memory that it brings to me; I just can't help reacting that way. The addiction tore our marriage apart, for crying out loud.
Alamo-
Sorry to hear that your wife is attacking your character. Try not to react to her text's. I don't understand her giving you a head's up on the child porn, I wonder what she is up too?
If I were in your shoe's, I would not answer any of the stupid text's she sends and make sure you are covered legally. Don't let her get away with her BS lies.
Shaky
Discuss with your L any necessary proof that you are "1 year clean" and have received and continue to receive ongoing counselling (as deemed necessary) regarding this.
It sux that stuff comes back to haunt us, even after we have made our penance. Strategize with your L for any necessary defence.
Try to think of this as a positive. She's giving you advanced warning of her possible offensive position. Allowing you to prepare a defence.
Really nice of her, actually.
Try to think of this as a positive. She's giving you advanced warning of her possible offensive position. Allowing you to prepare a defence.
Really nice of her, actually.
I know she'll go down that route. Child porn, physical abuse, anger management, etc.
Shaky, I didn't respond to her emails because (a) She and I have gone down this conversational dead end before, (b) Do not want to argue, (c) It's too emotional for the both of us, and (d) It's all about DB/DRing, man!
I noticed that your divorce was busted, is that right? That's wonderful and a blessing!
Alamo,
Stay strong! Congrats on the year! That's what matters, you are not that person any more. That you'd even post about this here shows that.
This is an attack, and an idle threat IMO. She'd be really dumb to try and bring this up and prove it in court. But she might, you have no control over that.
You're getting good advice here, and listening.
Jon
Thanks so much, Jon. With everything that is unfolding here lately, it's bittersweet counting down to the year milestone. All said, I'm doing it for myself and our son. My wife (as you will read in a moment) doesn't see it that way. If she can't appreciate it, then someone else can and will.
So, UPDATE time.
Our son and I were already asleep last night when the door bell rang sometime around 11, I think. I open the door and there was my wife standing there. She said that she had to talk to me about what's going on. She said she was going to catch hell from her dad and her lawyer once they know that she came to talk to me. She cried a little because she said all the things she has been doing, they had talked her into doing them, and she's just not that kind of person.
We came into the house and sat down to talk. The conversation was about 1.25 hours, so I'll give you the gist of it.
a. She doesn't want to go into an all-out fight in court, but if she did, was 99% certain that she'd win because of the proof she has that I'm addicted to child porn.
b. A couple of times we went down the road of talking about my addiction and that she believes that I'm still the same person.
c. She talked about the pros of our son being in SC - better school system, safer, Southern culture, how family-oriented her hospital and practice is, and so on. "Why wouldn't you want E to live there?"
d. We talked about my work. I told her about the opportunity to grow in the job I'm in, which is why for once, I'm not just going to up and leave. I'm 35, it's bloody time I settle down. She says that's always what I say about each job I've been in and based on the past, has that ever happened? No. So we go down another conversational dead end.
e. I made the point that I didn't file for custody at this time to jeopardize her move. It was triggered by the infamous email she sent recently. I said "Look carefully at what I'm asking for - it's shared...joint custody. I did this because I feel that I could't live with the status quo as it is, whether we move or not."
f. So she says that if it's 50:50, then let's do that. But we'll get it in writing that she can leave the state with E and we put a plan together for when he's in SC.
g. She said that even though I'm a douche, she knows that I'm a good dad, yet she doesn't want our son to grow up like me. She just wants E to have a father in his life. (What does that even mean?!?) She brought up the child porn issue again. She said that she knows I won't molest our son, but she doesn't want our son's friends around me. She brought up how back in Malaysia she saw me pat a little girl (my god-sister) on the butt (which my entire family did playfully too - it's not appropriate in this culture, but I grew up in such a world) and how that was a red flag for her. Then she brought up my sister, yadda yadda yadda. So in short, my wife said that she has gathered enough evidence that she's definitely going to win, and that all of that will go into public records, which would hurt me.
h. We closed on the note that we'll discuss more about the 50:50 later. She initially thought that we could do it during our conversation, but she then realized that I had to go to work in the morning.
I didn't get much sleep last night, so I know there are details I missed putting down above, but I'll add as I recall them. Once I get my head back together, I will be able to build my opinion and thoughts about this unfolding of events.
My wife texted me this morning to inform me that she is drafting an agreement for 50:50 w/caveat that our son can leave with her to SC, and that she needs to know in 48-hours if I'm going to keep to my word. She then asked when we could get together to discuss a schedule for our son.
I think she's got it backwards.
So this is what I'm going to do (I also consulted with my legal team and they agreed): Meet with her and come up with a written schedule (and demands, if needed) and before signing off on anything, I will meet with my legal team to discuss what is what.
Alamo I am impressed that you didn't just shut the door right in her face after what she's been up to recently!
I'm a little suspicious of her blaming her father and her L for what she's been "put up to do" given that she then went on and seemed to be very comfortable using your past against you in your conversation as you have summarized it (please correct if I'm reading that incorrectly). Definitely don't do anything without consulting your Ls. Tread carefully when you meet with her again. Good luck.
Alamo I am impressed that you didn't just shut the door right in her face after what she's been up to recently!
I'm a little suspicious of her blaming her father and her L for what she's been "put up to do" given that she then went on and seemed to be very comfortable using your past against you in your conversation as you have summarized it (please correct if I'm reading that incorrectly). Definitely don't do anything without consulting your Ls. Tread carefully when you meet with her again. Good luck.
Thanks, Verab and thanks for dropping in.
Yes, I agree that she had and still has the power to decide on her own, rather than putting the "blame" on others. And yes, she basically dissed me on-and-off in my own house, but I thought, you know what, it couldn't hurt to hear her out, could it? As long as I didn't get emotionally dragged into the conversation, I figured I should give my wife the benefit of the doubt.
UPDATE
Mother's Day was a no-brainer. I've talked to our son for the past week or so about it and what we ought to do for mom.
She loves Gerbers, so our son chose the colors. Also chose an awesome card and he wrote/scribbled on it to pretty it up. The bouquet was a little banged up by the time my wife got it on Sunday afternoon.
Our son proudly handed her the flowers when she came to pick him up from my place, followed by the card. Genuine excitement wouldn't be the word I'd use for my wife's reaction, but I guess if I were in her shoes, I'd have a hard time being happy in front of a person I'm disgusted with.
Nonetheless, I had no expectations. It was purely for our son's benefit and experience.
Speaking of his experience, this happened a few days ago:
As he and I were loading up in the garage to head to daycare, he noticed the open garage of the neighbors across from us. They had two cars parked side-by-side and he asked why mommy is not parked with us. Then he teared up and said "I wish we lived in the same house, daddy." ...Heart-breaker.
Three more weeks till custody court hearing...needless to say, it makes me sick just thinking about it.
UPDATE
Will be meeting tomorrow evening at my wife's place to discuss what our idea of a schedule might be like. I'm still leaning towards going through the hearing proper, but we'll see.
She asked if I was coming today, and I said no, how about tomorrow?
W: I thought you said Monday.
M: No, I suggested Monday OR Tuesday.
W: I have your text.
M: [I pulled out my phone] Let's have a look here...
W: Fine, but why not tonight?
M: I had a long day, so it'd be great if we could meet tomorrow.
W: Why didn't you set a time?
M: You asked when, I suggested the days and I was expecting you to set a time.
W: So you still want me to decide for you.
M: It is YOUR proposal so you're the organizer.
Then our son started drinking water straight out of his water pistol (he and I were having a water fight) and my wife told me about how he drank water from the tub with shaving cream bubbles in it.
My spider-sense is tingling. Why do you have to meet her in person for this? Your W has proven unworthy of you time and I have a feeling that all she's going to do is spend the time explaining why you are a lousy human being again.
I would seriously reconsider this. Or lay down some parameters as to what you will be discussing. Don't let her start calling you names again. Remember...enough is enough.
I would seriously reconsider this. Or lay down some parameters as to what you will be discussing. Don't let her start calling you names again. Remember...enough is enough.
Your W has proven unworthy of you time
I have thought about it considerably and feel like:
a. I want to hear what she has to say/demand;
b. Even if she has proven she is unworthy of my time, I will be the better person. That's why she left, btw, because she felt that I was unworthy of her time too. If my mindset was similar, we'd both be divorced by now.
I would seriously reconsider this. Or lay down some parameters as to what you will be discussing. Don't let her start calling you names again. Remember...enough is enough.
a. We're strictly going to discuss the possibility of how our son's schedule is going to be if I move to SC
b. No name calling, otherwise I'm leaving
c. No character bashing, otherwise I'm leaving
d. Not going to agree to anything, only after drafted by her lawyer and reviewed by me and my legal team
e. Did I miss anything?
a. I want to hear what she has to say/demand;
Hasn't she already done that time and time again? She not only says what she wants/demands, but she also comes up with new reasons why you're a POS in her eyes.
b. Even if she has proven she is unworthy of my time, I will be the better person. That's why she left, btw, because she felt that I was unworthy of her time too. If my mindset was similar, we'd both be divorced by now.
I don't think you have anything else to prove. Many people would have taken her to court for threatening to take your son and then pretty much telling you that there's nothing you can do.
a. We're strictly going to discuss the possibility of how our son's schedule is going to be if I move to SC
Did you tell her this specifically? I think you need to lay down ground rules. And tell her that if she starts deviating from that path, you will not stay to be further abused verbally and will let your legal team take care of things.
b. No name calling, otherwise I'm leaving
Again, you need to tell her.
c. No character bashing, otherwise I'm leaving
Again, you need to tell her.
d. Not going to agree to anything, only after drafted by her lawyer and reviewed by me and my legal team
I think you need to do this without talking to her directly.
a. I want to hear what she has to say/demand;
Hasn't she already done that time and time again? She not only says what she wants/demands, but she also comes up with new reasons why you're a POS in her eyes.
I'm hoping to go in with this often quoted mantra:
"Believe none of what she says and half of what she does."Please pray for me, folks, that everything goes smoothly. Maybe when I get there there'll be lit candles, jazz in the background and my wife in a low-cut dress...
Well I'm definitely praying for you. Take a stack of bibles and holy water to throw on her when she starts to grow fangs. Good luck.
Well I'm definitely praying for you. Take a stack of bibles and holy water to throw on her when she starts to grow fangs. Good luck.
lol... i'm picturing that scene from Exorcist! lol...
yikes!
UPDATE
Hey guys, just got back from the "discussion" with my wife.
Our son was supposed to be asleep by the time we met, but I'm guessing he knew/felt something was up, so he walked out of his room and hung around us throughout the whole talk.
Anyway, my wife proposed the following:
a. A 50:50 (legal and physical) rotating schedule with assumption that I move to SC.
b. A visitation schedule for if I remain in CA. The main part was she came up was a two-week visit with me every 3 months. Also, if I had an interview or something in SC/NC/TN, our son could stay with me during that time. After some heated talk about what's best for our son (we didn't talk about specific past issues, but I erroneously touched on values and child-rearing needs), the former became a two-week visit every 6 weeks.
I took my time studying it (not to annoy her, but to process it), which I think miffed her anyway. Even though we came to an "agreement" with her draft, I told her that I will still need to review the so-call final proposal from HER lawyer with mine.
Two crucial elements that I sensed through this whole thing:
- My wife is on a time crunch to settle this preferably before her move on June 7 (so I was informed). She has till May 21st to respond to the court hearing request and she brought it up a couple of times that if I had any disagreements with her draft tonight, I should voice it tonight, rather than waste time disagreeing later.
- When she said that she really doesn't want us to go the "dirty" route, I believe her. She did, however, keep bringing up how the judge here will never grant me primary custody based on:
a. My employment history
b. My addiction
c. Our son's religious routine (one of the reason's I drafted in my plea)
d. The fact that she will be a doctor
e. Social history/norm that children should never be separated from their mothers; increased father's involvement in children's lives is only a recent development in the last few decades
Overall, if I were to evaluate myself tonight, I was somewhat collected and calm, but at certain points a touch jumpy, indecisive and emotional. I didn't do as well as I thought. Feels like my wife practiced more DB/DRing that I did.
(I will comment more tomorrow once my thoughts are more collected.)
Although I"m not licensed in South Carolina --- you are also NOT THERE YET so if you divorced now, it'd be in this state, which is CALIFORNIA...hello?? Why delay the legal proceedings when the delay only hurts YOU and she's advertising it repeatedly?
sure, that's assuming she's accurate. Frankly, my guess, and that's what it is,
is that you are legally better off taking care of things now in this state...
you can still move to SC, but file this stuff in states with more pro father laws, like California...UPDATE
Hey guys, just got back from the "discussion" with my wife.
Our son was supposed to be asleep by the time we met, but I'm guessing he knew/felt something was up, so he walked out of his room and hung around us throughout the whole talk.
Anyway, my wife proposed the following:
a. A 50:50 (legal and physical) rotating schedule with assumption that I move to SC.
why would YOU agree to ^^this? Why do you assume she's right and that she will win? Oh, wait, I know...it's b/c you give her all your power, still!
b. A visitation schedule for if I remain in CA. The main part was she came up was a two-week visit with me every 3 months.
um OR YOU would get primary custody and SHE'D get visitation.
Does this never occur to you? To be clear, why was she having so much more "custody" than you (you said you only had 30% ) when she was in training?
Do I have that right or not?
Also, if I had an interview or something in SC/NC/TN, our son could stay with me during that time. After some heated talk about what's best for our son (we didn't talk about specific past issues, but I erroneously touched on values and child-rearing needs), the former became a two-week visit every 6 weeks.
I took my time studying it (not to annoy her, but to process it), which I think miffed her anyway. Even though we came to an "agreement" with her draft, I told her that I will still need to review the so-call final proposal from HER lawyer with mine.
Two crucial elements that I sensed through this whole thing:
- My wife is on a time crunch to settle this preferably before her move on June 7 (so I was informed). She has till May 21st to respond to the court hearing request and she brought it up a couple of times that if I had any disagreements with her draft tonight, I should voice it tonight, rather than waste time disagreeing later.
well that's tough...this is a big decision you did not want to make. So take your dang time. Do not keep doormatting yourself.
btw, I think her time crunch is a tool for her pressuring YOU to rush the decision and go her way= Which is crazy. She's the one creating the upheaval in son's life now...
- When she said that she really doesn't want us to go the "dirty" route, I believe her. She did, however, keep bringing up how the judge here will never grant me primary custody based on:
THE WORDS BELOW ARE NOT TRUE, IMO. WHAT DOES YOUR LAWYER SAY? WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER LISTENING TO HER VIEW, WHEN THIS IS SO BIASED?
DO YOU EVER CHALLENGE HER ON THIS? WHY NOT SAY "W, THAT'S CERTAINLY POSSIBLE. BUT MY LAWYER SAYS IT'S NOT NEARLY SO CUT & DRY AS YOU SAY, IN FACT HE BELIEVES THAT I HAVE MANY MORE RIGHTS TO SON THAN YOU SEEM TO...."????
a. My employment history
MORE RELEVANT TO YOUR AVAILABILITY FOR SON...
b. My addiction
AREN'T YOU IN RECOVERY? THEN ENOUGH ALREADY...
c. Our son's religious routine (one of the reason's I drafted in my plea)
YOU HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS ON THIS ^^ ISSUE...
d. The fact that she will be a doctor
HURTS HER MORE THAN HELPS HER, AS FAR AS PARENTING TIME...IT'S LIKE BEING A SOLDIER.
e. Social history/norm that children should never be separated from their mothers; increased father's involvement in children's lives is only a recent development in the last few decades
this is probably the "tender years presumption" but she cannot have it both ways. Either she's a sahm who has bonded with son so much that's it's in HIS interest to keep those two together until he's age 7...
OR she's a brilliant medical professional with a demanding accomplished career who thinks THAT will impress a court. So Which is it?
MAYBE SOUTH CAROLINA ISN'T IN THIS CENTURY, WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON FOR YOU TO FILE NOW IN CALIFORNIA...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??
Overall, if I were to evaluate myself tonight, I was somewhat collected and calm, but at certain points a touch jumpy, indecisive and emotional. I didn't do as well as I thought. Feels like my wife practiced more DB/DRing that I did.
(I will comment more tomorrow once my thoughts are more collected.)
YOU must stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have given away a lot of power and seems as if you still are. I don't get it.
Why are you putting her and her legal team in charge of all this, to 'react' to?
Have you really seen or retained an attorney?
Why so passive?
here's a piece of a long article on what I think your w's assumptions are based on...which is out dated I think.
She seems to believe that mothers are entitled to custody in most states but that's not b/c of what judges do or say, but simply what most mothers & fathers agree to.
So here's what I found that might interest you. Of course seek your own counsel and take some action.
Tender Years Doctrine (which favored mothers in custody) used to be the law in most states and women had to be found unfit to not win.
This doctrine is applicable in divorce proceedings, but has been replaced on the books in by most states by the "Best Interests of the Children" doctrine of child custody. Several courts have held that the Tender Years Doctrine violates the Equal Protection Clause in the Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
South Carolina has formally abolished the "tender years doctrine," a common-law presumption that placing a young child with the mother is in the child's best interests. While a baby's mother may sometimes have a practical advantage over the father in family court, there exists no presumption that the mother should get custody of the child rather than the father.


I'm amazed at this thread. I remember an email your wife sent you back in Mar very clearly listing her issues with you and the marriage. These included violence and addiction neither of which Alamo really refuted. In fact you admitted, in a back-handed way to some of it and minimized the rest.
In reading since, I see that you are not using porn-are you in a program? in counseling?
What about your anger issues? the violence?
I think the best thing this board can do is push people to look at their issues and work on those.
And now your wife has been demonized as some kind of crazy woman when all I see is a woman with very real concerns about her child's safety who is still trying to allow the father to play a role.
She's more generous than I would be.
Never mind, found your new thread!