Time to start a new thread. Thanks BF! H. still in a hurry. Can't believe the new reality I live in after just 3 months since bomb. But just having to deal, after all the logistics, maybe I will have some time to breathe and figure out me and what will make me happy.
My hope comes from a place that maybe once I get me all good, there will be some contact with h. for him to see. 17 years, 17 months. Even if it, R, never happens I will have gotten thru this in one piece. Thank God for this board and all the great people.
Thanks Cadet. I had no idea how to do that!
Well, h. called about movers and lawn mowing. He is in terrible shape right now after back surgery. He was good the day he was released, but a few days later he had terrible pain that woke him up. He's been on vicadin. Now dr. is putiing him on oxycodone. The worry is maybe a piece of the disc broke off or they missed it and it's floating around, hence the pain. He said he has never felt this much pain and is basically bedridden. He said at one point he actually screamed. Not like him at all.
I am seriously worried, it could mean another surgery. Just hope the new meds work. He doesn't see his doc till friday. So he was very chatty, has been the last few days. Maybe it's the drugs! We weren't finished with convo then he got another call he had to take. Crap, I hope it wasn't his lawyer calling about latest neg. over money. I mean, this is hard. I still love him and care about him.
This day just keeps getting better, not. To get a moving quote you have to list everything you are going to move. I'm supposed to have a box count, right I'm not even finished packing. Think moving date will have to be extended.
HIW,
I may be remembering this wrong when H & I moved 10 years ago, but I thought the moving company came to the house and estimated how many boxes you'd have to move and then give you an quote on the cost. (Also included in the quote would be any furniture that you'd be moving.)
Good luck!!
{{{Hugs}}}
Nemo, I think eventually they will come out. This is for a free online quote. Getting the keys to condo on Saturday. Have to do a lot of measuring to make sure of what I really be moving.
Talked to h. about movers this a.m. Still in pain. At one point he howled into the phone from a spasm. He mentioned still hadn't heard from his L. Hate this.
I just walked into my kitchen. It has lots of cabinents. As I empty them I put a post it on the door - done. It helps me to see progress and how much is left. I just appreciated the irony of looking at 20 post its - done, done, done, done... I'm not but he is.
i need boxes. i get a sense of satisfaction packing things and getting them out the door. i sorted out books on the one shelf and got rid of some. was very proud of myself. packed a lot of H's paperwork in a box which i am going to stick in his side of the closet (they have been sitting on a shelf in the living room for months!). maybe i'm trying to control my environment since i have so little control over my M?
sorry. didn't mean to ramble. check the alt lately?
also.. it's only done when you're done.
Is alt fb? I have been in such a tizzy regarding h. pain and sit. plus waiting for l. bomb to drop on him, packing, eye dr., trying to research movers and reading this board I haven't looked into it. Maybe I will check now.I may have signed up but I never set up a page. Not good at that kind of stuff, that's what I had an IT h. for! Also, do you work in a specialty? This whole surgery thing is so scary when things don't go particulary well. I think I mentioned, when talking to him today he howled out in pain just by making a small shift in position. Scary, he's usually very stoic.
Do you all have to move? I am in that position where H states he wants to sell the house, but I'm dragging my feet. It's the only house that my kid has ever known, and even though we both hate this neighborhood and house, I don't feel like up-heaving the family just because H decided that he doesn't want to come home . I will make the court force me out if it ever comes down to it - because I feel that since he is not making logical sense, then it doesn't make sense for me to do things based on his whims anymore.
However, I have been slowly and covertly putting stuff up for sale (nothing major) but I'll just count it as spring cleaning for now. If I have to move then it will be easier to do so - if I don't - then at least I have a cleaner house and a few more $$ for pocket money.
Well, it's hitting the fan now. My lawyer emailed his lawyer "our" point of view on settlement. Sure his l. forwarded it on to h. In the email my s. said HIW and I would ENJOY a 4 way meeting with you and H. Right!!! Did talk to h. earlier, just about car insurance and stuff. He did have a few good hours today. Maybe the meds are kicking in or the swelling is going down. Sure all this crap doesn't help, but I have to look out for myself. Oh well
meant my L. said HIW and I would enjoy...
yes.. i'm sure you would ENJOY a 4 way meeting.. lol. i'm glad you're staying focused.. keeping busy..
as for H.. he seems to be taking care of himself. making his own choices. i'm glad you're doing the same for yourself.
Thanks, I just want it to be done, done, done! The lawyer part anyway. How are you doing tonite. When does it start? Is it 2 day or 3 day?
LIO, I'm sorry I missed your post. I will be getting 1/2 the value of the house in my property settlement, which I will need to live on in the future. I really don't want the headache or expense of maintaining a big 3 bedroom home, nor living here alone without him. Too many memories! Do you have a lawyer? Do you live in a community property state? In my state, the house is considered community property. One party can buy the other one out, which is what my h. is doing. He will move in after I move out. Take care
Today I went to walk thru, getting keys of new condo. While there heard lots of noise from upstairs, kids running. I was told oh no, these places are really sound proofed. Right, well that has been a fear of mine, after living that before. The whole thing made me sad and depressed. Talked with h. about other matters. He asked if I was excited to see and move. Right, I said no, I'm concerned about noise and it just made me sad. How clueless can he be. Excited!! Just like my l. saying we will enjoy a 4 way meeting. Good grief! When the h. will this ever end. I hate Saturdays, we always used to have fun together. I haven't had fun or felt happy since bomb drop 4 months ago. It all just seems to get worse.
I also spent days reading Just Stunned's complete threads. There was a part about ninelives, Wow I was crying like a baby. It sort of put things into perspective for me. The human condition? Life is so hard sometimes. I need to focus on gratefulness. I'm also thinking about Barely F. Hoping so hard it is going good for her.
I watched "Titanic" tonite on tv. My H. and I went to the exhibit in Seattle several years ago. You are given a name of a passenger and their profile. I was "Bertha", not to happy with name, sorry Bertha's out there. But I survived. The profile of my h. that he got, don't remember name, he didn't survive. Just made me remember an outing we had. I will survive this, damm!t. Go Bertha!
There was a couple in Titanic tonite, having m. problems. It came to a point where they said, when s. was hitting fan, if we go down we should go down fighting. Now that can be taken two ways. I wish, I know dumb, that h. would fight for us. But I guess it is going to go other way, us fighting, with l. involved. I hope sometime in future, I won't look at everything thru divorce colored glasses.
Still nothing from the lawyers. H. back alot better. So as soon as he can drive I guess we will have the four way. Just down, packing is getting there.
Spent some time with some really great friends tonite. Made me feel a lot better. I actually laughed out loud quite a few times! Got my mind of the fresh hell that I'm sure awaits me this week with lawyers and moving. Sort of took the whole day off today. I moved 40 boxes into garage yesterday, to count them and get them out of the way for the big stuff movers will have to move. NC with h. today.
I know its crazy how fast your situation has progressed but I have been in limbo for close to a year and I know the only thing that will make my H look at me again is a D. In some ways once you get the D it will give your H the permission he needs to look at you again. Anything you do right now he will interrupt at controlling.
Hang in there
Sorry about your upcoming week (((HIW)))
Sorry about your upcoming week (((HIW)))
Thanks Brkln, I hope you are right.
Sayitanintso, looks like I might get a reprieve till next week for lawyers, and a couple of weeks for move. Thanks for checking in!
P we got ur back so don't stress too much ok. It will all work out. In AA they say that nothing happens because of coincidence. There is always higher being planning for us.
Rick, thanks alot! That helps.
Jeez, movers are expensive!
Well tommorrow is the big lawyer day. Wish me luck!
Smile and act happy, make him wonder.
Practice saying, "I need time to think about that."
Good luck.
thanks bug for the advice. I am soo terrible at hiding what i feel! I also hate confrontation. That was a big problem in our m. I think I will really like my lawyer tommorrow! Backup. I'm not trying to screw him over, just some fairness. He's walking away with alot more $ than me. I told h. recently, I'm listening to my l., just like you are listening to yours. We'll see what happens.yuck
Good Luck today ((HIW)), thinking about you.
Good luck today HIW.
((( )))!
Love and light coming your way! Positive vibes are everywhere for you. Good luck.
Well, it wasn't as bad as I feared. Thanks everyone for the support. Things are getting close, not all the way. Hopefully in the next few days the will be settled. H. has agreed to be here for move and to help me do the tv hookup stuff. Then after that I don't know when I will ever see him. Also looks like I will have to go back to work. Retirement was nice for 6 years, crap.
Well, he stewed all nite and now is reneging on what he agreed to yesterday. He's taking his anger with the lawyers and aiming at me. He says it's snowballing and he's feeling taken advantage of and that from the beginning he wanted to make sure it would go ok with me. So much for amicable. Moving Monday! Fun.
Then don't have him come over. If you need the help get a handyman to come over and do it. He's going to start alot of drama which you don't need. You're tending to a child now.
Hope, this is script. Let him have his snit. It is his to stew in. Don't engage the drama will only escalate. Disengage, go do something for you to help you remain calm. Smile even if you have to force it.
Have you googled the drama triangle? It is a model used to explain how some people interact in relationships. There are a variety of references on the web.
Each of us dance around the roles on the triangle and there is nothing wrong with that. It is when we get stuck that is less than good.
Where are you most of the time on the triangle?
mr. bond, thanks. maybe i will have to do that. but if we can resolve this, he usually doesn't hold a grudge, but we'll see. May have to figure out the tv stuff. Barely floating did!.
JS. I peeked at the drama triangle, too tired to really digest it, but i put it in my favorites for when I don't have 400 things to do for this move!
monday you say? fresh start. i'm coming for that deck chair. (((( ))))
to juststunned, thank you for the referrence to the drama triangle. i just googled it. very enlightening!
Haven't been here in awhile. Lot's has been happening. Moved out, worked out a settlement with H. I think it's fair. The signing will happen next week. It's a lot take in. Spent a couple days with h. He helped with the move. And dealt with all my electronics. Felt good to be around him. Now it is really sinking in. Trying to take it one day at a time. I'm just wore out. Haven't done anything today to unpack. Giving myself a break. Can't really look ahead. Don't know if after signing, h. will even ever want to see me. So that's where I am. Sorry there is nothing uplifting in this post.
hopeless.. give it a couple of days to settle in. you're in a new phase.. a new environment.. it's got to be overwhelming. now that you're in your new place.. once you're settled in, it'll be a good time to start thinking about all those things you want to do to GAL! what do you want to do??
Hope, one day at a time. Do a little more for yourself each day. Grieving is normal, to my thinking necessary.
XW left and I did not wash the sheets for weeks. The scent of her was important to me. Eventually you let it slip past and move forward, not move on, that may be later, just forward, get stronger, better.
The opposite of love is indifference. H did not marry someone he was indifferent to. He will think from time to time. He may not let you know he has. He has his own path to walk.
Please do not be concerned about uplifting posts just now those too shall come.
Well haven't posted in awhile. Came to a settlement with l's, signed papers, judge will sign off tommorrow and a marriage of 17 years will be over. All in 4 months. I'm just worn out right now, unmotivated to unpack stuff in this place I don't want to live, not looking forward to finding a job after 6 years of "retirement", just hard to believe he didn't want to be married to me so much, wouldn't do MC, and put us both thru all of this. I know I have to believe, but it is still such a struggle. I know everyone says it will get better, work on yourself, gal, right now I barely feel like doing anything. I think I just need a mental break. It's so hard to work on crap when you feel like you just don't care. I know I'm down. I try to not attach to much significance to the days, (papers signed, judge signs, the end) but I guess I do. Will give myself some time to wallow and then try to kick myself in the butt! GM you are a god to me, I don't know how you do it man!
So sorry!! You have every right to feel the way you do. I wish I had more words of encouragement but just know that I am feeling very much the way you are and it does feel hard to move forward. I think you're right, you do need the time to grieve. It's expected. Surround yourself with people that love and support you. Hopefully we can all see the light at the end of the tunnel... sooner, rather than later.
Take care of yourself!
Thanks JKS. I feel like I've been hit by a train. I think it's going to be awhile before I even feel normal, much less better. But friends do help. Both my kids live out of town, so I missedthem today. Got cards and phone calls but man hugss would be good right now! It just hurts so much that the person, who was "your" person for so long could give a crap about you anymore. Uggh, ok enough pity party. Should just go to bed and try to sleep. Thanks, again.
And JKS I just read a bit of your thread. You are going "thru" it too. Take care.
I understand, Pam.
You do need time to grieve because this is a death. Bottling up the grief won't make it go away. Take the time, don't worry about unpacking. When you feel up to it, it'll happen.
Maybe start by doing one nice thing for yourself everyday. Do you have friends where you are now? Someone you could meet for lunch?
Not bottling, totally unloaded on my friends last nite. It really helped me. Don't know what I'd do without them. I did cook my first meal in 4 months. Thanks, Bug!
Haven't been here in awhile. Divorce is final, got the final papers in the mail this weekend. Have had zero contact with him in 5 days. Working thru a lot of emotions. Going to take a long time to process and adjust to this new life.
(((hiw))) take the time you need to adjust and let your emotions out. wishing you comfort and support right now.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I think it was Val who wrote that she keeps energy bars on her so that whenever she feels like she can and needs to eat, she has them there. That advice has helped me with the eating thing.
((( )))
I am so sorry you are going through this. Things will get better! I agree with Needgrace and the energy bars...that is a great idea!
Thought you'd been quiet.
I can't even imagine how this must feel for you. I hope you are getting out some and doing things for you.
I read this by Brookie on the MLC forum. It certainly resonated with me.
I always feel that dbing is a good roadmap for how to live your life and sometimes, it saves marriages.
Know that you did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.
Own your own stuff, let your spouse own theirs.
Your spouse is in a life crisis. It is their journey. Let them walk it. Your job is to get out of the way.
Your changes have to be real. For you. If they are not, it doesn’t serve you well and doesn’t help the situation.
Always act with dignity and honesty.
Use the feeling of anger as a way to propel you forward. Then let it wash over you and let it go. Otherwise it will weigh you down and sap your energy.
You may feel you need your spouse, but in reality, you don’t. You want them. There is a difference.
The feeling that you won’t get through this will go away.
Whenever you think that your life is horrible, remember there are always others whose lives are more difficult.
Never, ever get in the way of your children’s relationship with their other parent.
Your children are looking to you to show them how to navigate through life’s difficulties. What a gift you have been given. Make sure you show them well.
This journey is a wonderful opportunity to become the person you were meant to be – the very best you.
Remember that you are worthy. No one and nothing can take that away except you.
_________________________
Thanks all of you for your support. I really appreciate it.
labug.. thank you for posting that. i really needed to read that tonight. it was so beautifully said.
hiw.. ((((( ))))) when you're ready.. let me know.
That's so beautiful, labug!
I am praying that I can stick with learning! And I am doing my steps, one after the other. It is hard, yes,but I still believe it's worth it
!
on a post-it above my desk, to help me each day:
"we must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
(((())))
on a post-it above my desk, to help me each day:
"we must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
(((())))
^^Like!
It has just come to my attention that Pam passed away in November.
I do not know the disease that she had but she was also still very depressed from the divorce.
This is not the result that any of us want on DB.
Please pray for her and her family.
Rest in peace friend. I'm glad I got to know you even if for a short time.
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this. Thanks, Cadet for letting us know.
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this. Thanks, Cadet for letting us know.
I am not the one that found out but I do have buddies.