Given the size of my previous topic, I'm starting a new one. My situation and a lot of rambling can be seen here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2196725#Post2196725I had read Divorce Busting quite a while ago, and am finally getting my way through the Divorce Remedy. Here are my goals. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Beat 'em up if necessary.
1. To end the conversations that lead to never understanding her feelings and my role in causing them, resulting in productive understanding conversations. We will be listening more closely to expressions of feelings and trying to understand actions or words that caused them. I will end or change the direction of conversations that appear to be headed in that direction by walking away, re-stating her points, asking more questions.
2. We will be discussing going to counseling together.
3. To be there for her how she needs me to be, whether supporting her ideas, or merely sympathizing with her frustrations. When she brings up her issues or ideas and asks me for help, input or advice, I will respond with that, if she does not ask I will sympathize with her issues and acknowledge her ideas.
Thanks.
Divorce Remedy is the better of the two books, IMHO.
I see I have posted to you a few times before and gave you lots of homework.
Did you finish reading all that?
Did you have any questions?
On a side note, I realize this likely isn't DB'ing. But what are peoples thoughts about contacting the OM (or OW) and requesting, nicely of course, that they back off. Let them know there is a person, family they are messing with?
VERY BAD IDEA.
Will more than likely backfire.
Will be twisted around to be used against you.
This stuff is counterintutive, do not use logic to try to figure out what to do.
It will backfire.
DIVORCE = SPACE
Are you giving her the space she is requesting?
If not you will more than likely be divorced.
Thanks Cadet. I remember you did give me lots of homework. I should revisit that again. This roller coaster has my memory just as up and down. I'll look for questions.
Thanks for the feedback on contacting the OM. I new that was likely the answer.
Space? I think so, I sure am trying, even with sharing the house and the kid duties.
Any comments on my DR goals?
Here are my goals. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Beat 'em up if necessary.
1. To end the conversations that lead to never understanding her feelings and my role in causing them, resulting in productive understanding conversations. We will be listening more closely to expressions of feelings and trying to understand actions or words that caused them. I will end or change the direction of conversations that appear to be headed in that direction by walking away, re-stating her points, asking more questions.
2. We will be discussing going to counseling together.
3. To be there for her how she needs me to be, whether supporting her ideas, or merely sympathizing with her frustrations. When she brings up her issues or ideas and asks me for help, input or advice, I will respond with that, if she does not ask I will sympathize with her issues and acknowledge her ideas.
Any comments on my DR goals?
1) Is this helping to give SPACE?
2) Who's idea is this? Yours or hers?
Same as above
3) I do not think that being there for her is going to help you to restore your marraige, it is more pursuit and counter productive to what you should be trying to do.
She is in another relationship right now.
Is this correct?
Do you think that Begging, Pleading Bargaining, pursuing her is going to end that other relationship?
I can assure you that it will not.
I think you need to go back to a Beginners MIND and relearn what you need to do.
Finish reading the DR book, and go back and start on those resources.
Then you can work on goals, later on.
Sorry that is what I see.
Hi Cadet,
1. Yes
2. Mine
3. This would be driven by her, when presenting ideas to me, which she is still doing, though quite a bit less. So this goal defines how I respond.
Agreed about the pursuing stuff. I am currently avoiding this as best I can, and think I'm being pretty successful.
I'm a bit confused by your comment on working on goals later on. Chapter 3 is all about goal setting with bold text saying don't skip this step. What I wrote above is the results of the exercises in Chapter 3. Since I don't have Michele to critique them based upon her book, I figured those here on the forum would.
I'm a bit confused by your comment on working on goals later on. Chapter 3 is all about goal setting with bold text saying don't skip this step. What I wrote above is the results of the exercises in Chapter 3. Since I don't have Michele to critique them based upon her book, I figured those here on the forum would.
Admittedly it has been a while since I read this book however I believe it says to make small attainable goals and my opinion is that your goals are counterproductive with saving your marriage.
Another words if you continue to pursue you will not obtain any of these goals.
You need to make your goals more about YOU.
Something that you can CONTROL, YOU.
Not dependent on anything she is or is not going to do.
For instance, I will not have a relationship talk with her while she is involved with another man.
I will not persue.
I will GAL
I will be the Best DAD (you fill in how)
You need her to pursue YOU, she must control the contact.
Until she is ready to work on your marriage most of what you are trying to CONTROL will not work.
What I am saying is that you are not dealing with some one that thinks the same way as you or the same way that the person you married thinks.
She has changed and you must understand that in order to proceed and make goals.
You two still live together, have children together but she has an OM, is this correct?
What needs of hers are you fulfilling?
She is going to move away this summer?
What is that going to look like?
What is the marriage going to look like at that point?
She is living in a fantasy world.
You need to show her what reality is going to look like.
Don't wait to do this, start now.
I hope this helps.
It does help, Cadet thank you. I'm on this path for sure. Focusing on the kids helps a ton and I really like it. It's a roller coaster and I've had my share of backslides. I'll review my goals again and continue reading. I also have another coaching session next week so that will help to review them there also.
So now I need help in another way. Given the results of last weekend, whereby I did the soft confrontation which resulted in her reaching out to me Saturday night, and given she left Sunday (and I'm sure spent time with OM) and returning today. I'm struggling with the approach on her return. Light-hearted and engaging? Aloof? Ignore everything that happened (btw DB coach says I missed a bit of an opportunity Sat night to push for the intensive with Michele, so I'm looking for an opportunity to resurrect that as well - though likely not today)? Other approaches? I realize I am letting her control the contact, I just want to make sure I'm there the right way after this tumultuous week.
Thanks everyone.
We discussed her A a bit today. I asked her to never let him in our house until after our divorce. She said yes. She surprisingly wasn't defensive. She is definately worried about what I intend on doing with the evidence and I ignored any inquiries in that direction. I pointed out things really coud have gone differently and she agreed. So I brought up the intensives. She actually said that because of how her confidence has gone up since telling me about the divorce, that she is maybe even arrogant (her word not mine) that we don't need any help from someone figuring out the coparenting plan, I said I understood why she feels that way but that still doesn't make us experts.
We began discussing her plan and my response to it. I will not go for her taking the kids to a newntown/school etc, we talk some about our business and I mentioned some of the things I'm getting screwed out of. All of these discussions took place without escalating (really happy about that) but all of a sudden she got really upset and left the room. I did not follow and I'm not really sure why it happened. Maybe the realization that I'm not just going to agree to everything she wants? I don't know.
I then got some work down and had to go lay down. I slept for about an hour and when I woke up, I was hurting more than I could have imagined. What is it about a good (vs any type of fighting) conversation and a little sleep that just makes me want to try to rationalize things with her and help me work this whole thing out for the kids. I didn't do it but man the desire to do so was strong. Arggh.
Went to the grade school this morning. I go on Friday's to help out for an hour in my son's 3rd grade class. I help them with their math packets and it's a lot of fun. Everyone at the grade school knows me. I think my W might be filing today. I sat in the parking lot after helping the kids and cried.
I realize I'm focusing on what I can't control. I do not know how to pull back from that. I love what we have, the good things, so much, it hurts so badly.
What is the absolute best DB way to react when the papers are handed to me?
Hi SH,
This crap is so damn hard. I just want you to know that there is life after seperation/divorce.
There are beautiful and caring and amazing people. I have met several women since the bomb. Amazing, beautiful, caring, successful, passionate women.
I've not been on a date or been intimate but know that the opportunity for happiness will always be there.
I'm not saying give up. By all means, your family is worth fighting for. So continue the good fight.
"I love what we have, the good things, so much, it hurts so badly."
Don't despare... Good things come in different forms.
Stay strong my friend...
Thanks so much SbH. I'm definately trying everyday to hope that there is something good in the future as a result of all of this.
So this weekend, I drove my two boys 4 hours to see the Harlem Globetrotters. We had a great time. My oldest cried on Friday when I told him the news. My W had to make some deliveries this morning about half way and so I drove them back to her. It was the first time something like has ever occurred shuffling kids like this halfway accross the state, but boy did it feel like what I think my future my hold after the divorce. I didn't like it one bit and cried in the car for about the next half hour.
I have to mention a backslide just before leaving on the trip Sat morning. She asked if she could talk to me for a second and I said yes, of course the warning siren was going off. When i got up the room she told that I need to be more careful about who i talk to. That she know I'm telling people she is a whore and an unfit mother. I think my head spun around 3 times. I've never said anything even remotely close to that ever! It is so extrememly frustrating to not even be able to deny something that is so blatantly not true. I did my best and avoided any yelling or any of my normal fighting tactics (so a bit of a 180 there) in fact when her finger started wagging and her teeth were clinched instead of responding in kind which would be normal for me, i just quietly asked her not to do that to me any more. She was so angry and it is so twisted and untrue. In hindsight, I should have just yes, yes most definately i need to be careful who i talk to and no I've never said anything like that and then just WALKED AWAY. If there are other suggestions I'd love to hear them. But man that was frustrating.
Today is another tough one. I'm traveling to my job that I go to every other week or so. She called me in my room last night to let me know that the papers would be delivered to me today. She didn't want it to surprise me at work. Gee thanks. Can't decide on exactly how to feel, but it feels like i'm the verge of being a wreck.
And just now - a text message from her asking me if i'm ok. wtf? I really don't know how to deal with this -Yes, i'm fine. No, I'm a wreck. Does it really matter? Her asking is important but my answer seems so worthless to have any real impact in a positive way.
Well the process has begun. I have the papers. Procedural mostly. Nothing about how things get split or parenting plans.
One good thing, court requires a parenting class. It doesn't look like much, two two-hour classes to discuss the impacts of divorce on children - really? I wouldn't feel like a total wreck if I didn't understand that. Maybe it'll be something to make a difference in my W's cavalier attitude about this whole thing.
Another great call today with my DB coach. This is an important time in this process. My biggest 180 will be to go through this without any pushing at all but full acceptance and giving her plenty of space. Buying any time will be important, finding time for me will be too. Throughout these past couple of months that's been the hardest one to define. 25yrs is a long time to be a husband and friend. Not sure what I look like alone. I guess i need to find out. I will be maintaining focus on the kids though. Did I mention I took the boys to the Harlem Globetrotters? They had a blast - me too. I'll keep looking for opportunities like that and also looking around for me; just not sure if I'll know it when i see it.
I would appreciate any and all ideas for LRT in my situation - Living at home with W and our 3 kids.
I find 180's occasionally, so that helps. I'm working on GAL'ing but could probably do more here also. My counseling and studies have open my eyes on my own issues in way that has allowed me to go into conversations with a new appreciation for other's feelings. I'm thinking a bit more clearly before I speak. So that is also all pretty good.
I suppose the biggest area I struggle with is wanting to be there with and for my kids yet trying to give my W as much space as possible. Ideas here would be great.
And generally speaking any other LRT tips too. Thanks.
Well my goal for the week, was to just avoid having an intense conversation, especially given papers are now in hand. I failed. She asked me about them, and when i would be sending them back. We apparently have a difference of opinion regarding some of the wording and things did escalate. There was no yelling so I'm happy about that. We talked about the marriage, but I did my best to focus on moving on, each of us working on ourselves to be happy, not re-hashing things. And we discussed the co-parenting issue and our differences. For the most part things were civil and I ended the conversation by saying this wasn't exactly helping and we have a lot to work on. I was upbeat as I walked away, we had been discussing one of the kids and were both chuckling about his morning. I was watching her throughout and saw body language and tone that at times was pulling away and finished with her at least interested and paying attention.
Fast forward an hour later and I can hear her crying downstairs. So I went down the stairs and asked her if she wanted help. She said no, so I came back to my office. Now about 10 minutes later she left the house and drove away. She didn't say anything.
Please, anybody out there. I need some help.
I could really use some help/support, I hope I'm not doing/saying something wrong to cause avoidance.
Currently sitting at my lawyer's, getting ready to discuss her papers.
i'd love some help on my previous couple of posts. Sorry to sound desperate, but in reality I really am.
I am sorry for everything you are going through. I am not in your shoes and can't offer much advice, but what I can say is; it seems like you are trying to do the best for your family and what you want.
Don't lose focus on yourself, make her see what a great guy you were, have been and trying to become. It is your job to now make yourself happy. Make yourself a man that she can't imagine not having in her life, not to get her back, but to feel better about yourself and sitch. Be the best father you can be to your kiddos.
Good luck to you!
Thank you so much JLO. I'm actually getting a little better at focusing on myself, but being defined by husband and father for so long makes it really hard. But I think I'm gaining on it.
Interesting sitch today:
My son's bedroom is a mess. We (me and him) talked about getting him another shelf or something to help put stuff away. I was in town this morning, at the store looking at some options. I decided to give my wife a call to see if she had any ideas. I got a huge heavy sigh, followed by a lashing, excuses why it wont fit, plus "it's not like he'll be living here for". It was crazy and I was totally thrown back. I asked her why it had to be so negative when i was just trying to help him. Then she got mad that I said she was being negative. I was at such a loss. I said I was sorry, again I'm just trying to do something positive for him. I got off the phone and left the store very frustrated.
How do I deal with these off the wall discussions?
1. I will go an entire week without an intense conversation.
2. I will not allow myself to get sucked in to any R discussions about possible differences in co-parenting or other trigger topics
3. I will respond kindly when she talks to me, regardless of her tone or demeanor and I will leave if the conversation is heading in the wrong direction.
My more of the same behavior is persuit by way of expressing loving feelings when she shows signs of openess and softness. I will instead be nice but avoid any comments that could feel like pushing for reconciliation in any possible way.
Hi, well I've been traveling for a week, away from W and kids. Of course nothing has changed in my absence. I'm still looking at the above as goals.
I don't know if it was the week away or something else. But she is being pretty nice around me.
Then another intense conversation, today. Goals 1 and 2 above - broken. I talk to to much, seeking in vain it seems to be understood. Finally in just expressing that, after things already intense. I get "I'm tired of trying to understand you, I've tried for 25 years, and I'm done" Arghh. I feel so helpless and misunderstood. She is so adamant "I'm not going to change my mind" Help.
She made an appt to talk to a counselor about how to tell the kids. I'm happy about that, at least we'll be in front of someone.
For the most part the niceness continues. We're still on for our conversation a counselor tomorrow morning about telling the kids. Got some great advice from my DB coach on that. I highly recommend them in addition to the support you get here. They are extremely good at sifting through your situation, lining out your options, helping to pick the right one for your situation.
After Monday's "intenseness", she is being pretty nice. Though yesterday afternoon handed me a note with the names of the grade schools she plans on taking the kids to. So one thing those conversations do, and the reason I think I need to stop having them, is that I think it hardens her resolve to push forward.
I think she's believes we're coming away from tomorrows talk with a strict plan and timeline for telling the kids very soon. I'm hoping that is not the case as their are still too many unanswered questions - where they will live for example is a big one.
It appears she has a plan, and is trying to check off all the boxes and when there is anything i might do or say that is contrary to her plan, she essentially ignores it and attempts to move ahead anyway - like giving me the note about the schools.
She plans to take them away for St. Paddy's day weekend, w/o me of course, and the few times we discussed I said i'm fine with it if you can tell me what we're supposed to tell the kids.
So, frustrating when it seems she has the expectation that i'm in complete cooperation and that I may have to lie to the kids for her benefit. When largely I think she just want to go party with her boyfriend while her mom watches the kids. Arrgh.
Would love some advice on this one. Tomorrow is the meeting with a counselor. This was set up by my W to discuss how to tell the kids about what her plans are.
I'm happy that we're going to someone regardless of why. She has been so opposed to counseling so depending on the counselor this could shape up pretty well.
But any advice at all on what I should or shouldn't say, how to act, anything to increase my chances of this turning into a positive experience would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Listen, don't be defensive.
Thanks labug. I did a good job, I think of being quiet, responding when asked, and staying calm.
Well, that turned out to be interesting but I'm not sure it was very productive.
It started out well, and I made sure to tell that C that my W was a good mom, loves our kids, and we're hoping to come out of this with some common goals. So things were calm and happy at the start. The C was impressed that we would come together to discuss telling the kids, means we're both really good parents and are trying to have their best interest at heart during this.
The C then asked what are differences were. W wants to tell them right away so we're all together for the rest of the school year to help them process. I can see her point. I want to wait as long as possible so that processing doesn't interfere with their schooling, sports, plays, etc. The summer is a better time for this. My DB C also helped me in this direction.
The C suggested that we find someone to be able to layout all of our issues with and help us to develop a parenting plan. I told her I liked that idea also as I have wanted to do that for some time. Even though I didn't say it, I was referring to MWD and the co-parenting intensive. But my W, who has been passionately opposed to it, knew immediately what/who I was referring to. I could see her tense up, set her jaw, etc when she gets angry. She got up got a drink, sat back down, and went off telling the C how she hates the idea of going to see someone associated with DB. I immediately tried to back up her up and told the C that I could see why as it might feel like she's getting ambushed.
Several times for the rest of the hour the C would point out the need for us to compromise and that getting some help either from "this DB person, or some other mediator locally" would be beneficial. This only made the W more upset. I'm guessing this is not at all what she thought was going to happen when she made the appt.
By the end of the hour, she was crying, the C offered to see us again. I said I would be open to that. My W didn't really say much of anything and she went out the door, got in the car, drove away and left me there. I had to walk home, fortunately not far and the walk was good for me.
Not sure where to go next. Suggestions? Last night I tried to just stay away, and we've not seen much of each other today. The weekend will have us busy with kid things, and I'm gone early next week for work for three days. Do I bring it up? Do I suggest going again? Really at a loss here.
Update. Friday afternoon, she brought up the counselor. As I guessed, we heard entirely two different things, and i somehow manipulated the counselor. It was bizarre, but in any event, her point in bringing it us was that no matter what "we're going to tell them tomorrow night" I asked her to reconsider but no chance. I said we're just not ready.
Then yesterday, I offered up a compromise. Let's wait just a few weeks, we'll review the plan (made up from ideas of web sites she sent to me) and we'll refocus our efforts on just those items that we need to have a proper answer for the kids. Other than the delay in time, she seemed open it.
But then a few hours later, after dinner, she came down, turned the TV off, and told them. I just sat there with one of the kids in my arms, the other two in hers, while they cried their eyes out and begged her not to do it. I was in stunned silence, just telling them that I love them. Seeing that on their face is quite surely the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
In addition, a couple of things from yesterday are blowing my mind. (Not just seeing the pain the kids went through in telling them about the divorce.) She has so much pain and hurt inside and always reminds me in some fashion that it is all my fault. First, in one of our earlier conversations yesterday, I told her that I looked forward to seeing the girl that she's trying to find, the one that I fell in love with, that one that was going to Stanford all those years ago. She said I'll never get to becuase I hurt that girl.
Then last night after the kids are in bed, she asked me if I was pissed that the kids weren't on the floor blubbering. I tried to talk with her about it but she said she was right about the timing and I was wrong. She has a way of just sticking it to me that hurts my heart so badly.
I can't believe that spending the last 25 years loving her the way I do, and especially the last 5 so dedicated to trying to be a better husband, and better father that somehow instead all i was doing was hurting her. Now it seems she cant help herself but to hurt me back. And that her hurt is so great that hurting the kids in her wake is ok also. I had no idea the depth of her pain, I've trying so hard to love her, be there for her, and help her any way that I could. But instead I hurt her so badly that she says these horrible things to hurt me. I don't want to ever hurt anyone that way again, it apparently happening under my nose without ever knowing it. I really thought we were happy, but with normal arguments and fights. It is all just so crazy.
Well the weekend has certainly taken its toll.
The kids seem to be dealing ok. The youngest (D5) brings it up in a nice sort of way. The boys haven't brought it up.
The toll is more with me. I'm back to the pain and anxiety I first felt 4 months ago. With the help of my DB coach I'm back to "Friendly Detachment". It is so hard. I'm trying to continue to focus on myself and the kids but working through this divorce stuff is really hard.
Talk to the L on Monday and we went ahead and answered her D papers. So now the work on figuring out the financial docs the state requires and our parenting plan. The next few months with her here in the house and the thought of the fight that is coming because of our difference in what we want for the kids is very discomforting.
I could sure use some friends here on the forum.
Ok, seriously I need some advice.
Just got drawn into a custody "discussion". She's making plans to leave come June when the kids are out of school. So she can move them to where she wants to live and put them in school there.
I want to keep them in school here, and be taking care of them.
So here's the rub, what's the best DB'ing way to deal with this?
Have you talked to a L? Forget about your M for now. You need to man up and take care of your children. Find out what your rights are as a father and don't let her get away with taking YOUR children.
Thanks MrB. Yes, I have a lawyer. And I am certainly trying to stay focused in the direction you suggest. I do worry though that maybe it pushes too hard, hard enough that no matter what the M will never come back in some new way. But I don't know, so that's why I ask the question.
The custody thing is obviously a big deal. (and just finished a two hour conversation/fight on that and a host of other topics. A lot of venting on her part about what i did or didn't do the last 17 years). She says she feels trapped because of it. She doesn't want to leave her kids to move if she's not taking them with her. Since I'm fighting that, then I'm controlling her, trapping her. It doesn't seem to occur to her that my feelings are exactly the same in terms of not wanting to be away from the kids. So what is best for them? And is it possible that my goals for the marriage may not be the best for the kids (or vice versa) and might have to make that decision?
"I do worry though that maybe it pushes too hard,"
Hmmm. I would say that you W threatening to leave with the children to another state is a pretty hard push.
"Since I'm fighting that, then I'm controlling her, trapping her."
Again. Forget about her. She's controlling you and trapping YOU. Tell her that you haven't stopped her from doing anything and she's more than welcome to leave. However, you have your rights as a parent and am just protecting whats YOURS. Put your foot down on this.
"And is it possible that my goals for the marriage may not be the best for the kids (or vice versa) and might have to make that decision?"
Again...forget about the M. Your children need you in their lives. Concentrate on that. Protect your brood.
I had been so resolved do doing just what you suggest, MrB, fighting for my kids and keeping them in school here. But I have to admit I'm on the fence about it. I think there's a chance that if she does what she wants, and with them included, she'll find out things wont be as easy as they've been with the two of us. And she'll come back sooner, than if I force the issue causing a ton of resentment as a result. Especially if she can blame not following her dreams on my keeping the kids. One more thing, a huge thing, to add to the list of everything that is my fault.
On a side note, today is my birthday. Certainly the worst one I've ever had. So far the plan is to wallow in self pity. Hoping to pull myself out that any moment now.
Hey stillhopin - happy birthday! Sorry you are having a tough time. Please do something good for you today, be good to yourself.
Happy Birthday stillhopin. I hope you are out doing something for yourself and enjoying it!
Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. The day ended much better than it started.
My W had given my oldest some money before he left for school. Near the end of the school day she told me that I needed to go pick them up as they had a surprise for me. She told me what it was, but I didn't ruin the surprised for them. They took me out for ice cream after school. It was nice. Then she cooked a family dinner and made my favorite bday cake.
After the kids were in bed, I walked up behind her put my hands on her hip and said thank you for my birthday in her ear. She turned her head and said you're welcome. I kissed her on the cheek and walked away.
I realize she's gone in so many ways but at least that moment she was there.
Now she has two of the kids for the weekend to head to a st paddy's day party. Seems the party is pretty important, didn't want to have to get up early to come home. My oldest has play practice at 2 on sunday, so he's staying with me. We'll have a fun weekend together, as long as I don't think about where she's at and what she's doing.
Update. Weekend went well with my oldest, we had a good time. Thankful for the little bit of time just the two of us for some bonding and he said he had fun also.
Sunday evening, after her return, kids are in Bed, we had a long talk about our weekends. Almost like old times. Then adjourned to our respective sleeping arrangements, her in the bed, me on the couch. Monday, Tuesday. More of the same, the most normal she's (we've) been since this happened. Nice, but at the same time odd. She's not outwardly changing her mind about anything, and yesterday drew me in to a conversation about the kids and custody. Fortunately it started with some nice honesty on her part, but ended with a lot of tears. This end was a little different than many though, because after parting the discussion she went in and laid down on the bed. When it was obvious she wasn't doing well, i went in and laid next to her and we talked some more. Both in pain, I hugged her tightly with no push back from her.
So, question, when there is almost a sense of normalcy, more honesty, etc. I almost don't know how to be. My last couple of weeks has been an attempt at friendly indifference and just focus on what i need to get done (though extremely hard to deal with the paperwork and such for the divorce) and of course the kids.
This whole DB idea of do something and watch what works and what doesn't; are apparent normal interactions a result of what's working?
Argh.
I want to take care of my kids. Keep them in school here, not shake them up with those changes in addition to their parents getting divorced.
Because that's what I want, I apparently have her "trapped" here. She can't move away from her kids to follow her dreams, so I am the one trapping her? Help
Well, another couple of weeks with roller coaster. She came back from her weekend away seeming like a different person. Not talking about getting together or anything but treating me very nicely. I tried to continue my friendly indifference, but by Friday, I gave her a big hug that was surprising and inappropriate, at the end of the evening i went into the bedroom and apologized. She told me how it made her feel and thanked me for the apology, but damage done. Curse these backslides.
Fast forward to this week, spring break for the kids, and she's taken them to a museum and hotel water park in the town she wants to move to. A little selling going on there I think. We're going to exchange kids on Wed and she's staying. As much as I try not to think about those remaining days with me having the kids she likely be with the OM.
That being said, I've got things planned with the kids, doing some planting on Friday, easter egg hunt on Saturday, and of course Easter sunday. She returns on Sun night I think. Focus, Focus, focus.
Well, Mr. Hyde is back from this trip. Wish it had been the person who came back from her last trip. Focus is on divorce papers, what my lawyer has done,etc. I try to be positive and I am helping her on the papers that I need to file as well. It's been a week of almost zero contact, just around the kids. Over five months into this and I still get totally wrapped up in her attitude towards me. I hate the knot in her forehead and the short responses in our conversations. I just cannot seem to detach from that.
Here I am sitting here again thinking about the justifications of why she should come back and work this out for the kids. I know better than to start that conversation, but I have to admit it is really really hard. Suggestions on refocusing would really be appreciated.
Her plans are only semi moving forward and I think it's got her really bugged. She's interviewing for a job that is only part time and quite frankly i don't see how she can support herself and the kids, in the town she wants to live in on those dollars. This trip was an interview and search for housing. I did ask how her week was and she said good, then followed with good and frustrating. Can't find housing. I didn't probe and try not too as best I can. Her life has become a secret in large part and i just have a hard time being patient, all the db'ing, friendly indifference, GAL'ing, shaking things up with some mystery, just seems like i'm getting nowhere.
Back home. Other than the kid exchange last wed, and again on sun, last night was tye first time I've seen her for any length of time for a week and a half. Very pleasant conversations about what we've been doing. At one point I put my hand on her knee and said its been a really long week and a half, she put down what she was doing, looked at me in a very nice way, and yes it was too long. I quickly changed subjects back to the kids and soon left the living room. No other discussions other than a good night and me on the couch still. I don't know where she's at, but I really want to talk to her and to tell her let's shift this money we're spending on lawyers and spend it on counseling instead. How will I know if its time to do this. So many dreams just seem to be slipping away.
Yeah, tried that talk - the connection i was hoping for wasn't there. Weekend sucked. Somehow for both of us. I've good around her, "friendly indifference" as my DB coach puts it. But to/from the gym or her not around I'm still a mess. Crying it out.
Detach. Not my problem. GAL. Focus on myself. Look for things that may be surprising, mysterious. Find things to do.
While I'm certainly not sitting around wallowing (at least i'm getting my work down, and finding things to do with the kids) it feels that way still in my head. And doing all those things...? Easier said than done. Has anybody created a list somewhere? Go to a movie, go visit a friend, take the kids to the park, etc. etc. I just feel lost some days, ok, most days.
Ok, I guess I need some guidance using the forum. I post a lot with very few responses. Those I have gotten are awesome and I am thoroughly grateful for every one of them. I really need some support but I feel like my posts go ignored. If anyone has any insight into what I could do differently it would really be appreciated. I'm almost 6 mo's into this and my roller coaster just continues.