i post here off and on, havent been consistent in posting but fairly consistent in DBing. i will post links to my threads when im on a computer and a not a mobile.
Some history.....
Married 3 yrs after dating a year and a half. 2nd marriage for me, 3rd for him. He has 2 boys, 16 yr old twins, who are completely out of control and make life here harder every other week. I have no surviving children.
Marriage has never been easy. H is control freak with everything but his kids. He made all major decisions, he has a temper, he hasnt been supportive of me at all. In short, H is a jerk, as some of you here told me. But like most jerks, he has good moments too and i loved him and his kids.
After several bombs, i thought we were doing a lot better with DB and i even started posting in Piecing. But i was fooling myself. He dropped the final bomb last night. He wants a D.
Christmas was hell, the boys were beyond horrible. 1 of them didnt want to go with us to see family and threw a fit, calling us names, he hates us, used profanity, hit H. H grabbed him, didnt hit him. Long story, he ran off and told the neighbors and they called his mom. Police showed up at my family's house on Christmas because she said H assaulted him. He didnt. Boys were rude, disrespectful all through the holidays and stole my truck for 2 days. H didnt punish them for any of it.
We get home and now he wants a D because we are "too different" and "wasting our lives". i agreed with him. Even if he is just stressed out, its wrong to keep playing the D card. This morning and he is "not ready to make decisions". But says we need to move on. There is no OW, i am sure.
So now i am completely devastated and need to find a place to live. I have to leave. I have done good not crying much, no begging. I did suggest family therapy and his response was "i dont know". for me, i need to leave here happy and ready to start a new life, where there is hope for love and a family of my own someday. I need him to see me happy and back to the old me and i need him to regret ever letting me go. But i need to move on. And i need help from the BITS because i am completely alone and cant do this on my own.
((( Hope ))) my heart broke for you when I read your story. It sounds like you have been to he11 and back.
You are not alone!!! There are so many wonderful people here that offer great advice, emotional support and a swift kick in the pants when we need it.
Do you have any friends or family in the area that you can stay with until you find a place of your own? If not, I have considered renting a room in someone's house because atleast then I won't feel totally alone.
Once again you are not alone. I know that this board has been a lifesaver for me!
You know when I started this journey almost a year ago you were the first person to respond to me. I remember those early days hitting the refresh button over and over hoping your post would appear, and then it happened. You responded.
In a way hope you've started this journey twice and that in itself is gut wrenching specially around this time of year although I cant imagine any time being less painful.
Well the time has come to lace up your boot straps because your in for a nasty ride.
I ask
You seem in a hurry to move out and get going. What's the rush? I understand your not really a new comer and are Prob ready to get started living your life. It as u know nothing is easy here and I think slow and methodical is better than speed of action. Haste makes waste
Stay strong hope the BITS will be around shortly
Sorry on my phone also.......
I guess i am rushing so i dont beg him to fix it. Because everytime we argue he pulls the "we are too different" card and hangs D over my head without sayung it until now. Its emotional blackmail to get his way, stop the argument. I know he halfway wants the D, halfway wants to shut me up and give in to the kids drama. either way, its cruel. It has to stop. Making plans to move is a 180 for me, its GAF for me. And maybe part of me wants him to wake up and see what hes losing and change. but i know his ego would never let him apologize or really try.
My grandmother died in march, her house is empty. I can move there rent free til summer and pull myself together. But its in another state and i would have to move and re-incorporate my work there. I cant afford to live where i am alone on my salary, the cost of living is too high. If i move, i can afford surgery i need, take some time off and follow my dream to visit europe. I will have family close by. I am all alone now. i am trying to look forward.
I dont know what else to do. Usually i back down and things are good for a while, until i disagree with him or need his support. I cant do it anymore.
When i told H about moving to my grandmothers house, he didnt say anything. When i told him my friend could do the D paperwork if we keep it simple his response was "why are you involving your friend?" I told him because i cant afford a lawyer and i was just trying to do what he told me i have to do -move on. He didnt respond. He have heard him sniffling a lot in the next room and blowing his nose in the shower. I know hes upset but its because he feels like a failure, not because he doesnt want to lose me. I know he is realizing losing me greatly hurts his custody chaces with the boys, he wont have a vehicle to drive, i wont be around to be a witness for court with them, his parents love me and will be upset, and hes losing his best friend and pretty much only real friend. Hes upset about that. I know he couldnt care less about breaking my heart or where i will live or if i will be ok.
Can anyone recommend good books on being a Christian forced into divorce? I did the standing for marriage thing with my first divorce and that didnt go so well obviously. i still have guilt even though neither divorce was my idea. My H isnt saved and i think that is the foundation of many of our problems. I am a Christian and thought he was too. So we think differently, our priorities are different, our outlook on the world is different. I need to not lose what i believe and who i am. moving is going to make it hard to find support at a church. I had quit going to avoid arguments with H.
So today H is looking for a part time job as a grocery bagger. Without my small salary he wont be able to keep up bills, much less buy a vehicle or pay for a lawyer. Huge blow to a man who was making $200k 5 yrs ago before the mortgage crisis and he lost everything. I dont know what would be worse- knowing hed rather work 2 jobs than be with me or if he wants me back wondering if he wants me or just help.
Why couldnt he just love me and be the man i fell in love with?
I know i have avery small window here to do the right thing and im trying to not blow it. H said last night that we wont make it, that we are just putting off the inevitable, that we are too different. Everytime i want badly to just beg himto fix this, i hear him say that andit stops me. Because if he really loved me, respected me, had any desire for a future together, he wouldnt say that. Hed fight for us, things would be different. I still want to crawl in his arms though. Acting as if is hard as hell in the same house and making plans to move out. but i feel its the onlychoice i have. Isnt it?
H went to have a few drinks with the neighbor. I asked him if he was going to tell him about the D. He said no, that its no one elses business. I said hed notice when he saw the moving van in the driveway. H just looked at me.
Hope I am very new here and hardly a success but I can sense you are hurting angry and resentful. I acted the same when W served me. I said all kinds of stuff to push her buttons they all backfired. I am not sure what you want? Maybe you should start there. Hang in there
Hi Rick. I am sorry you are here too.
I want the man i married to be kind, loving and supportive and committed. I DB'd for that he keeps hanging a D over my head. Now, i just want peace and love and happiness, with or without H. Preferably with him but nothing i do is working. So i am trying to GAL and move on. What i want is for him to see what he is about to lose, to appreciate me, to go to therapy, to be committed to me and love me.
You know that is so ironic. Every time my W pissed me off I told her to file. She finally did. Now I am here on my knees hoping she will stop it. Maybe you can learn from my sitch.
Hi hope-
I'm sorry your Christmas turned out the way it did. Last year at Christmas it was awful. Not as badly as yours, but I know how it feels to have a day that is supposed to be special go to sh*t.
As for telling you how to let go, I wish I had the magic answer to that question. It's not easy and it's a process, and even after 11 months I don't know if I've completely let go.
I guess you start by thinking of yourself more, doing things that benefit YOU and make you happy.
I'll suggest the book "Codependent no more" because it truly was a wake up for me.
I know you want to hurry and leave so you don't beg and plead with your H, but I still would caution you on jumping the gun. Don't react out of emotion. Just give it some thought.
Hope... I'm fairly new here so some might strongly disagree with what I will say... and it suxx to be in your sitch and not have any good options, but...
you should D. Even in DR Michelle says in situations of abuse it's time to go. You are being abused. By your stepkids and through them by your husband. The boys' actions are not acceptable and if your H isn't stopping them and standing up to them, then he is complicit.
What happens when one of the boys does something extreme? When they take your truck and you confront them? What if they assault you? Get drunk and hit you or worse?
Perhaps you're just too close to see the big picture, but if you were my sister or friend I'd be telling you to get out and do it fast.
Hello Hope, I remember reading some of your early threads. I have to echo what others have posted about not acting in haste during the heat of emotions. That it seems as if you are backed into a corner is plain from your posts.
I have been accused of abuse and stood dumbfounded wondering where did that come from. I have looked long and hard and yes if viewed from the correct angle, some of what I did could be considered abusive. So I normally hesitate, however what you have described need not be interpretated.
That you still want this to bust is also evident. We all do to one degree or another, which is why many of us are still here. I don’t think there is any magic in being done or hurrying to get there. I think it just happens one day.
My best advice is to gather as much information about what your next few steps will require and what that place will be like. Plan to get there with as minimal effort and expense as possible, emotional as well as monetary.
When i told H about moving to my grandmothers house, he didnt say anything. When i told him my friend could do the D paperwork if we keep it simple his response was "why are you involving your friend?" I told him because i cant afford a lawyer and i was just trying to do what he told me i have to do -move on. He didnt respond. He have heard him sniffling a lot in the next room and blowing his nose in the shower. I know hes upset but its because he feels like a failure, not because he doesnt want to lose me. I know he is realizing losing me greatly hurts his custody chaces with the boys, he wont have a vehicle to drive, i wont be around to be a witness for court with them, his parents love me and will be upset, and hes losing his best friend and pretty much only real friend. Hes upset about that. I know he couldnt care less about breaking my heart or where i will live or if i will be ok.
I know you are upset, but this is mind reading and negative, and cannot be helping you deal. I know b/c I do it also.
I think trust, respect, and communication are key components of any relationship. From what you’ve posted here they are lacking.
I wish I had more for you ((((Hope))))
Thank you everyone. i didnt see my thread went to page 2 so i kept reloading, hoping for a response, like we all do here. This morning i finally saw and feel less alone, thank you.
My family is telling me to hit the brakes too until i talk to a lawyer so i dont forfeit any rights or assets. H has no assets and nothing i want and we only have 3 pieces of communal property. he is the materialistic one, not me. I only ever wanted love and a family. Id like to keep my health insurance until the D is final, but i doubt hed pay that because thats who he is - greedy and uncaring when hes on the defense. So now i feel completely stuck here.
I messed up last night. H left at 5 for drinks with the neighbor at a local bar. He didnt get home until almost 10. I asked where he was, he said with this friend. I shouldnt have asked, shouldnt have shown it bothered me.
He is still wearing his ring, still sleeping in same bed. we havent said more than a few sentences to each other since the bomb. In the past (as in even just last week) if i try to have any real conversations with him about us, boys, life, etc he is on the phone or computer or watching tv. He doesnt even have enough respect for me to give me his full attention. But if he wants to talk, if he needs a friend, i am all ears. He knows im in emotional hell right now, but hes pulling all the strings. I guess thats the biggest reason i want to go, to get myself back.
So what do i do now????
Agree with WHG, you're in a dangerous situation.
Protect yourself.
JustStunned, you are right. I am mind-reading and being negative. I know i need to stop but cant seem to help myself. This was always my biggest problem with DBing, for both marriages.
Leaving, focusing on a new future and having some hope is a complete 180 for me because i really feel just broken, hopeless, negative, defensive, hurt and alone. Trying to fake it til i make it, failing at it.
I dont know if i should start packing today or not. I told H i was going to this week so if i dont, i look like i didnt mean it and im just cowering again to make peace. If i do, i dont know if will blow up the situation worse. Now, i dont even know when i will be moving or if my family is backtracking on letting me live at my grandmothers.
I am going to go work out, another 180 since i havent done that in 6 months because im afraid to make a hernia worse. Hitting the treadmill, so mzybe that will be ok. I need to get my mind clear. And i need to eat something, which i havent done since the bomb 2 days ago. I wish i didnt let all this get to me like it does.
Hopefully i can fix computer today to catch up with everyone and not have all typos i do on the mobile.
Thank you everyone.
WGH and ladybug, i really dont think the boys are a danger to me. although they are here every other full week, i have as little contact with them as possible because i just dont like being around them anymore. I stay at the office later, i go to bed earlier, i watch tv in a different room. They are teens and dont want to be around us anyway. H tries to engage them, i dont.
They know unliks their mom and dad who kiss their butts, i wont. I have no problem pressing charges or calling the police or defending myself so the leave me alone. The dont have the same respect for their father.
H says the boys are staying at their moms for the next month or so. Their stepdad is dying so its only right they be there. And H wants a break from them too. So he says. Hs word really doesnt mean much though.
WGH and ladybug, i really dont think the boys are a danger to me
Hope... I spent six years working at a in-residence boot camp school for at-risk youth. Quite frankly, most of the boys there sound exactly like your stepsons... I even remember we frequently would have twins attending. My role was as a drill sergeant and then as the supervisor of the drill sergeants.
So just my insight and experience talking here... I can't tell you how many times I've heard your words come out of the mouth of a stepparent. But it was slightly different... it was, "I really never thought they'd be a danger to me until...". I'm saying all it takes is one moment, one incident, etc... And they don't even have to have intent. High on some drug or another... drunk and without their full faculties... whatever the reason. Just be very careful. At-risk teenagers are a powder keg. You didn't create the mess and god bless you for wanting to stick it out.
But if H doesn't want it, I would suggest you look deep inside yourself and figure out why you're drawn to this sort of drama and situation.
And I say this from experience. I fell in love with a manic depressive single mom with two small kids, a PITA XH, and a binge drinking problem. I've come to realize I did that because I have a need to "save" people and "fix" them to feel validated. I am now working on that so my next R, whether that is with my estranged W or with someone else, doesn't follow the same script.
Hi Rick. I am sorry you are here too.
I want the man i married to be kind, loving and supportive and committed. I DB'd for that he keeps hanging a D over my head. Now, i just want peace and love and happiness, with or without H. Preferably with him but nothing i do is working. So i am trying to GAL and move on. What i want is for him to see what he is about to lose, to appreciate me, to go to therapy, to be committed to me and love me.
Hope, I don't know your entire situation, but here is a thought...
My h held it over my head nearly every day that he was leaving, and wanted out.
In retrospect, H now tells me that deep down, he didn't really want to go, he just wanted things to change but didn't know if it would, or how to do it.
Our d also had behavioral problems, and H felt like leaving would be one way to solve that problem too. He felt like he was in over his head, and wanted away, as far as he could go.
WHG, i hear you. I have the same problem, always getting into Rs with men with issues. I really thought this time was different. First 2 years boys were really and we were really close. Then teen hormones hit, H and XW started competing for time and attention from them and stopped disciplining them. Before this they were A students, never in trouble, everyone loved them. Yet here i am, in another dysfunctional family like i can read the future on this stuff but never to run from it.
I have begged H to send them to one of those camps before it gets worse (they dont have police records and we havent found drugs or seen them high. Yet). but they are so expensive, times two. Way out of our reach and XW would never do it. H probably wouldnt do it either. As bad as it sounds, i keep praying they do something to get in trouble and make that court ordered.
Ctflor, H has told me that too. But in situations like ours, sometimes its them who have to step up. I know i cant fix HIS kids. I have no power there. I can see my H running, just packing up and leaving us all. He is at that point.
He knows im in emotional hell right now, but hes pulling all the strings. I guess thats the biggest reason i want to go, to get myself back.
So what do i do now????
Are thinking that he's going to change or chase after you if you pack and go? What are your expectations there?
Also, I do relate to being in emotional hell while my h pulled the strings. It can only go on so long, and that is where GAL and detaching came into play. It did help quite a bit.
Of course its a fantasy he will wake up and man up and beg me not to go, sign up for counseling, fix all this and be the man i fell in love with. Yes, i want that. But i dont count on it, expect it or even dare hope for it and certainly not planning my life around it. My H is not that type of guy to swallow his pride and put me first. :-(
H came up to me and handed me paperwork for insurance renewel. He is threatening me to remove my health insurance if I dont put a vehicle in his name. Can he do that?
It all out war here now, he is being a complete jerk. Hour long R talk and he has insulted me, my family, there is no hope, etc.
How can i love someone i hate so badly right now?
Hope it is time to seek legal advice. 1st consults are usually free. He does not need to know about the visit. He is as passive aggressive as it gets. I did crapp like that too, not that bad but similar. Every state is different but not sure why he wants the vehicle switched to his name? And if you get sick and have no insurance he will be responsible for the debt too. H is not thinking clearlyl
He wants it in his name because both vehicles are in my name. The house was his before we got married, though it did just go through HAMP. We bought the truck together and 3 pieces of furniture. Everything else is his. I gave up all my stuff because his was nicer and he hated mine. Now he wants the truck and furniture and house and everything.
Take Rick's advice, seek legal advice.
He has changed his mind and is begging me to stay.
Big change! Good luck to you. Beware the rollercoaster.
H seems to want to really try. I am however terrified of the roller coaster. 3 days ago he said it was over, said a lot of horrible stuff, told me leave. I made plans to move, asked my family and friends to help me move ASAP, started packing, was even excited about a new life without drama. Now hes sorry, doesnt want to lose me, will go to counseling, will even have kids (he had changed his mind after we got married. Of course if we have kids it wont be until this M is a lot better) and several other promises to listen more, be more supportive, etc. What does he want me to change? Nothing he says. i told him i have tried and tried and stood by him through so much and am tired of being a pushover, its time he gave 50% and handled his boys better and stopped the XW drama. normally I just shut up and deal with whatever to keep the peace and avoid a fight. This time I not only called his bluff, but started to move on. I guess the 180 worked but its backfired in that now I am questioning what to do. I want to believe him but i have been hurt. I want to move on and be happy. But i love him. Right now i am still DBing and still here. Dreading telling my family and friends I am staying, as they are all very angry about the situation. I guess i am not as alone as i thought i was.
This is what i wanted so why am i not happy? And what do i do now? I am scheduling the therapist. should i put my moving plans on hold or cancel them? I am completely humilated about this, making all these plans, having to tell co-workers i am moving, my family upset, etc because i was sure it was done with H screaming i needed to get out, etc. Now i am staying.
Totally embarrassed and terrified but i am trying. Again.
H asked me out for new years eve. He let me pick the restaurant and movie. A first. I guess i need to fix myself up and show him what he will lose if we dont make this work.
I envy your sitch right now. But follow your heart. Maybe you do need time apart to make him really realize what he is missing. But if you do leave, you need to detach from him.
I was doing great detaching from my H, but since we spent the holidays together, it's been really hard on me.
Sorry I've been MIA. I've had the flu for the past week.
NYE H took me out to dinner and a movie. It was nice. He was very gentlemanly, opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc. He kissed me at midnight, we ML. He's been on his best behavior all week and taken care of me while I've been sick. He's said ILY every day (something he rarely did before).
Being sick I've had a lot of time to think. Hasn't helped the confusion much. My heart says "there's a chance here to make it work". My head says "he is who he is" and that he won't change. Yep, I'm knee deep in WAW mode but I'm trying to slow down on the decision making.
I overhead him on the phone with his brother a few days ago, telling him what an idiot he's been, that me packing up is his fault, that he has a temper he needs to get under control. H never tells me stuff like that, never owns up to his mistakes or apologizes. It was nice to hear him take responsibility. He also told BIL that he wants to stay married, doesn't want to lose me. H has told me that.
This yo-yo has to stop but I'm still on the fence. I have a back up plan of moving out of state if I need to and now working on a local plan because moving my job out of state would mean starting over from scratch and 16 years at this job is too long to throw away. I found a house the business can rent and be run out of (it's lease is up in February anyway). It has enough room + some and if necessary I can rent a room or 2 for myself out of it. And it's someplace I can run to if need be. It will allow me stay here and keep the business going. It's all I have so I have to hold on to it. I can even go ahead and rent the room/rooms now and pull that rent out of my salary without H knowing so I can set it up now if I have to. I have quite a few people who are willing to help me move at a moment's notice. I feel blessed even during all this. I have a support system. Who knew? I sure didn't. Very blessed.
So I feel safer having plans, a place to go, family and friends by my side. That is so much more than I had a month ago. I feel like now I can make clearer decisions without the threat of being broke and homeless held over my head.
H has agreed to counseling. I need to find a local one that's solution based. Our last therapy try (3 years ago) completely blew up in my face as the therapist was HORRIBLE and enabled H and though he said he was solution-based, he was all about placing blame and finding no solutions and nothing to help communication. So I'm happy that H has agreed to counseling, yet scared of a repeat of last time. H has done a lot of stuff wrong, A LOT. I am not perfect but I have been loyal and supportive. How do we go into therapy where it's not a beat-up H session? Because H will run if it is. Definitely looking for a male therapist. Does Michele have a list of SBT therapists by state?
In other news, the boys are still at their mom's house. Their mom has bought one of them a new car - the same kid that talked back at Christmas, had the cops at my parents house. She bought him a Porsche. Yes, you read that right. An old one, but still. The worse they behave, the bigger rewards for them it seems. Still no consequences at all for their behavior or grades. None. I am so grateful for a break from them. H is texting them a lot. 1 is responding. The other (worst) one isn't at all. H is almost begging him to respond, sending him ILY texts. It makes me very angry that this all goes on with the boys as the parenting here is just horrible. But I am trying not say anything about it and just be grateful for the break. When they return, if they return (XW going for custody).... will the kids still call all the shots? H has agreed to family counseling as well (preferably with the same counselor for marriage counseling) - if the boys will agree to go. I doubt they will agree to it but I am proud of H for agreeing.
Guard up but taking baby steps....
Well, H blew his temper this morning. I probably pushed him to it. I dropped my laptop a few weeks ago and the screen has steadily gotten worse to the point that the cracks in the plasma make it impossible to work on because I can't see the lower half of the screen. The boys have a computer that they never use (because their mom bought them each a laptop). Even so, H just had to replace the regular monitor with a flat screen a few months ago. Because they compete for the boys love with money and things... drives me nuts but that's another story. Yesterday I asked about the old monitor, wanting to hook it up to my laptop so I could work. No response. This morning I get ready to leave for the office and go to look for the old monitor and can't find it. I ask H about it. No response. I look again. I ask again. He says it might be in the back of a crawl space, behind a bunch of bunches and the cat's room (a removable box in the crawl space with a doggie door in the attic door so the cat's litter box is in there). Might be - as if he wasn't just in there a week ago putting up Christmas decorations. He knew it was there but also knew I can't get in there by myself and would need help. I ask for help.
Rather than say "it's in the crawlspace, honey, I'll help you in a few minutes", I got his temper. "Damnit, I'm working (he was looking at mail on his desk)!!! Why can't you find anything by yourself? (I couldn't possibly see it in the crawlspace!). Damnit (followed by more cursing)!!" and he huffed up the stairs, stomping along the way to the attic space, slamming doors.
Rather than engage him more, knowing he'd just scream at me more, I left and went to the office. I didn't slam anything, didn't respond back, just left. Without the monitor. But very mad. Seriously, he can't spare 5 minutes for his wife, knowing I can't see my screen and this is my job? And can't do it maturely, lovingly? He interrupts my work ALL THE TIME and I stop what I'm doing to see what he needs. I have never once yelled at him for interrupting my job. I am very supportive of him. If I knew he couldn't see his monitor to work, I would've stopped whatever I was doing yesterday to help him.
So I did good biting my tongue I guess and not staying and yelling back or crying. But maybe I shouldn't have asked him for help.
This is his first tantrum since we made up so I don't know if that's good or bad.
Do people with short tempers and selfishness EVER change??? Does therapy ever work for them??? And how do we go into therapy and talk about anything if I feel like I have to tiptoe so I don't set him off???????
Frustrated. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Trying to not slide backwards again.
"I probably pushed him to it. "
Don't assume blame for this. It's his choice to choose to be angry and an @$$ about it. Don't be afraid of asking him for the things you can't do. There's nothing wrong with that.
Try this next time. If he gets angry and throws a hissy fit like that again, after he gets what you needed, tell him something like "thanks for getting it for me, I would've had a hard time getting it myself." Then give him a hug and leave.
See what happens.
Thank you, MrBond, that's great advice. I will definitely try that.
I haven't talked to him since I left this morning. Dreading going home today. Not only was he cranky this morning but he's also getting sick so he's even more cranky. It sure is hard to DB when someone is mean.
Kill 'em with kindness. How about on the way home you pick up some meds and soup. Tell him that you are sorry that he feels sick and that he deserves some rest. Then give him the soup and leave.
I didnt see this until I got home. He is in a bit better mood. He had dinner ready when I got home.
He seems oddly interested in locating all insurace cards, health and car. Stressing over it, making me look today for it all. That is raising a lot of red flags. What has happened that he HAS to have them right now? Raising flags because he threatened to take away my health insurance if I dont give him the truck if we divorce. i am feeling very uneasy about this.
Then ask him about it. Don't be afraid.
If you do get. D he will not be able to keep you on his health care. Sorry but Ai think that is across state lines. Have you consulted an L? I don't know why he wants you to put the truck in his name but again in my state it is 50/50.
He is being nothing but passive/aggressive. Hang in there
In our state he has to keep me on insurance until D is final. He wants the truck because currently both vehicles are in my name.
I asked him. He said I was being weird and he was only trying to find all of our paperwork. i am not feeling better about it.
Busy week here. I have been GAF and focusing on my job a lot and had 3 great accomplishments this week. I am very respected in my field, but H doesnt see that at all. i get my self esteem and self worth from my work rather than a family. Not how i planned my life at all.
H and i have gotten along well this week. he has taken me out to eat twice, opened dors, complimented me.
I have worked hard to not say anything negative to him. Got a new haircut, which he has complimented several times and said i dont look like the same person. ???? I got my nails done too, which isnt something i splurge on but for occassions. That surprised H. I has a photo shoot for a magazine article on my work so that was the main reason for it all. I sent H some of the photos, just professional office shots. All this has gotten him entrigued and i think he is wondering if there is someone else. Good! Let him wonder. I also have had a lot of meetings and deadlines so he hasnt got my focus. GAF is working.
Counseling started yesterday. I went alone. Next week H goes alone. We each have separate sessions once a week for 3 weeks before joint sessions. I think this work out better to work on seperate issues first rather than start off together complaining about our issues. I like the therapist. She is female, hoping H isnt too sexist to not open up. There are only 2 male therapists in town, 1the old horrible one, 1 with no openings for 3 months. She thinks i have caretaker issues. No surprise there. Shes solution based and a Christian and i feel comfortable with her. Regardless of H i do need to work on my issues, setting boundaries, rebuilding my self esteem.
Hopefully on the right track.
Today I am going to the funeral of a friens daughter, a 15 yr old killed in a car accident. I go to a lot of funerals for work, but watching my friend suffer will be hard. H has asked to go with me, something he would never do in the past. He made a big breakfast today too. I wish I could keep this H.....
I spoke too soon. H has reverted back to his regular unsupportive pattern. Instead of being there for me he #1 is overly nice, #2 either starts complaing about work (week days) or the house (weekends), #3 throws himself into work or cleaning, #4 tries to make me the bad guy for expecting support by complaining that i am not putting the family first by helping him, #5 tries to make himself feel less guilty by convincing himself he is more responsible. It doesnt matter if he laid around and did nothing the day before, if he took off and went somewhere instead of doing the cleaningor work yesterday to be there today. And while I am off alone at funerals, weddings or other life events alone, he will sit on the sofa and do neither work nor clean. Because he is a child, a selfish, lazy, dishonest child!
But this time, I will not say a word. I will go alone. I do not count on him or need him.
Eating crow. He decided to stop cleaning and go with me. He did and was very supportive. Lesson here.... If I dont get upset and say anything or ask for support, he is there.
[quote=hope2011]Eating crow. He decided to stop cleaning and go with me. He did and was very supportive. Lesson here.... If I dont get upset and say anything or ask for support, he is there. [/quote
an important lesson...another one is to Not assume the worst of our spouse's or their intentions.
It makes us eat crow more often for one thing... 
and since we know we give ourselves the benefit of doubt, it's only fair to do the same for them.
True 25yearsmlc. Thanks for the reminder.
H had his first therapy session. He actually went, didnt try to get out of it and says he likes the therapist. We go to a joint session next week. I thanked H for going, his response was 'I gave you my word that I would go'.... A first. I am glad he is starting to take giving his word more seriously. In the past he would break his word and disappoint me without a second thought if he didnt want to do something. i can see he is trying. he also made a joke about the therapy diagnosing him as a narcisist, which was very odd he would use that term. Im not sure it was a joke, he definitely has narcisistic tendencies.
Around the house, things are good. We are joking, laughing, hanging out together. Neither of us is criticizing or complaining. We are talking about our days more, going out together. He is encouraging me to see a doctor and is saving to help pay for surgery for my hernia. Before he would have rather used money on a trip or his man room or the boys. I finally feel like a priority.
I just wish I could freeze us and keep it good.
Hope--
This all sounds like great news. I am happy for you.
I hope he keeps it up.
((((hugs)))))
The therapist diagnosed him a narcissist on the 1st session and told him? Plezzzzzzz don't tell me that.
I asked the therapist about his comment today (personal session). she thought it was odd too. She agrees he could be but didnt say any diagnosis to him and said that word didnt come up. I dont think H has had therapy before me? i havent bought it back up with H about his comment. Maybe it was just an odd joke.
So the jerk reappeared today. He had a hard day at work, has to travel next week. He can set the schedule. When he said he had to travel, i said ok but remember we have stuff going on. Meaning to please schedule around it. He immediately got defensive and said work came first. That he is going to have to travel a lot soon and i wont make it without him. Sarcastically. I was single a loooong time living on my own before him, i will survive. next week i have a ct scan, our first joint therapy session and my deceased sons birthday. Hardly normal stuff. He has 3 full days he can travel around those 3 things. Am i wrong to expect working out a schedule if possible like adults who care about each other? He gave me the cold shoulder all through dinner. Snapped at me earlier for asking him a question about which of 2 man movies he rented he wanted me to put in dvd player because i interrupted him reading an email. I am such a witch, huh?
So sick of Jeckyll and Hyde. We can do so well, then he does this stuff and it makes me want to run. This happens every single time. His anger, bad attitude, rudeness.
I just responded that i would have problem making it without him, to travel all he wanted. I was ticked. And after dinner i told him he was wrong for not acting like an adult having a normal conversation. Hes giving me cold shoulder now. I do not care. I stood up for myself. Jerk.
For the past 2 days H has been acting like everything is wonderful. He's been nice, sweet. Dr. Jeckyll is back. For now.
Saturday we went to an auction together and out for dinner. Yesterday I went to church alone because he decided he wanted to work out instead. I was disappointed, upset. He needs to work on his insides more than his outsides! Plus, why the sudden work outs? Makes me nervous. I don't think he's up to anything but he's burned me in the past and that's hard to get over.
Tomorrow is my CT scan. H hasn't made any travel plans. Hasn't said if he's going with me tomorrow or not. It would be nice if I had his support but I'm preparing myself to go alone and not count on him so I'm not as upset or disappointed tomorrow. I hope and pray to someday have an H I can count on without worry if he'll be there or not.
H got up and went with me this morning to the hospital for the test. He was very supportive and didn't once make me feel guilty or like I was taking him away from work. He even took me out for breakfast afterwards and stopped by the office supply store for me.
In the store I ran into an old female work colleague of his that I've now known within my networking for almost a year. She said she "heard the news" (small town) and was sorry. She saw him in the car waiting for me and said "he convinced you take him back?". I said "No, but he's trying to". Her response was "I wish you well, dear". She's not an important person in my life or H's. Not someone that is a friend or has a past history with either of us. So why is that conversation bothering me so much??? It's not so much what she said, but the tone of "what the heck are you thinking, girl?". I feel like the town idiot. I feel like everyone knows. Normally I am not someone who cares what other people think but now I wonder if everyone knew all along all the things I didn't know about H. Is it wrong to want to be proud of my husband instead of ashamed? Trying not to let this bother me too much. At the end of the day, this is my life and no one else's opinion really matters.
At the end of the day, this is my life and no one else's opinion really matters.
You are exactly correct. You do what you think you need to do. While others opinions can help form decisions, the decisions are yours (ours) and yours (ours) alone.
Hang in there, and keep the faith.
First joint marriage counseling session in a few minutes. I am nervous as heck. Please say a prayer.
Good Luck Hope! Prayers going up :-)
Thank you, Broken!
It went pretty well. The therapist was very good and so far very solution based. I learned a lot, I think H did too.
The therapist gave us a worksheet to see how well we knew and supported each other. It had questions like "what are the names of your spouses' 3 best friends" and "Name the 3 most important days of your spouses life". I could name all H's stuff in my sleep. H couldn't answer most of the questions about me.
He owned it and admitted he hasn't been supportive or involved or a good H. And he admitted he has a quick temper. He says he wants to fix the M more than anything and wants to learn how to have a successful R. That he wants to be more supportive, involved in my life, control his temper and not be so reactive. Since my H never admits things and rarely takes responsibility for mistakes, this is HUGE. I am very proud of him.
Things got a little tense talking about the boys and our parenting skills but the therapist kept us in check. Gave us some books to read on parenting teens. Agrees I need to detach from the stepkids and not care so much since I am pretty much powerless in this situation and getting upset is not helping anything and adding more stress to the M. I'm working on it but I love the boys so this is very, very hard for me.
I walked out of there feeling like maybe he does love me and maybe he is committed to fixing this but also confused because I can clearly see that unless he does step up, I have nothing to gain from this relationship but lost years, lost dreams and lots of his life and his drama. Things have to change. Maybe he sees that now. I hope.
H came to my office and surprised me for lunch today. Was very sweet of him.
Test results came back from the CT Scan - found nothing. Since I'm in pain obviously something is wrong so now have to think about more tests.
Meant to add that H has been supportive about the medical tests this week.
Been a busy week with work, haven't had much time to log in here.
Half the week was fine, now, not so much. H started getting cranky on Monday, just snappy and a bit rude. I asked him 3 times what was wrong, he responded "nothing". I HATE that he thinks it's ok to be rude or snappy at me for any reason. If I did that to him, he'd tell me off. But I just ignore it to avoid an argument. Probably work related stuff anyway so there's nothing I can do about that.
Monday and Tuesday, he's in a better mood but I can tell he's getting into the "I'm trying hard here but what am I getting in return" mood... meaning if I'm not bending over backwards for him then why should he even be normal for me? Example - he works from home, maybe 5 hours a day. He naps, plays golf, goes to lunch whenever he wants. He spends a good part of his day surfing the internet. Then complains about his job and not making enough money. I don't dare say "well maybe if you worked harder!". In his defense, he does have hard working energy spurts once a week or so. I work outside the house, 8 to 10 hours a day at a very, very emotionally draining job (dealing with families of sick and dying babies) with a massive amount of responsibility. I come home exhausted. But I make less money so in his mind, I should be the one to do most of the cooking and cleaning. Nevermind by the time I get home he's been laying on the sofa at least 2 hours watching TV and playing on his iphone. Because if he puts a roof over my head and buys food (I do contribute to the bills!!!!) then I "owe" him and I need to make it more "equal" by being more domestic. Which means cooking and cleaning his way, in his house, with very little say so on anything. I do try to do more around the house but I greatly resent all his relaxation time and how little I am valued.
Not doing a great job DB'ing here at all.
I did fairly ok brushing off his mood but then yesterday he decided that he as to go visit employees 2 states away. He'd talked about this last week but made his mind up just yesterday and tried to throw together appointments with them. Staying at his parents house there so at least I know where he is at night but really why so last minute? Of course he conveniently forgets our MC appointment that's tomorrow and schedules an appt there 4 hours from home. But if I complain or am disappointed then he's defensive about his job and work, etc. He can be completely slack about work EXCEPT when it's a convenient excuse to get out of something he doesn't want to do. This is only our 2nd joint session and he's ditching it. He could have made appts last week, scheduled around it like a responsible adult but no, this marriage isn't a priority. Again.
To make matters worse, yesterday his XW e-mailed that the boys want to live with her permanently, don't want to come back to our house (the house with rules and discipline) and she wants to go to family counseling with the 4 of them to discuss their "emotional turmoil" at having been punished for behaving horribly (they should've been sent to military school for the stuff they've pulled lately!!!!).
I will bet my life H won't miss one single therapy session with them and will schedule his life around those appointments. Because they matter to him. I don't.
ps - I didn't get upset. I expressed by disappointment that he didn't schedule around our appointment but his response was a dismissive "oh well, work takes priority".
I am DB'ing with this but it's not easy as I'm really tired of tip-toeing to not upset someone who doesn't care enough to keep his word about making appointments and not being rude.
H made it back in time for the MC appointment. He complained the whole time about my cooking, cleaning, (neither meet his standards) how he wants a millionaire lifestyle and I'm happy with any life (that's a bad thing???). We didn't fight, left in an ok mood. The MC called him out on his controlling stuff, in a nice way. She asked me (in front of him)... "when H says stuff like that does it make you feel like less a person?" My response was "No, I'm fine with myself. I give 150%. It makes me feel like HE'S less a person to be that rude". That shocked him. The MC was actually proud of me because I usually just give him and appease him to keep the peace and lose myself and rather hurt and sulk that fight with him. Yeah me. Didn't make me feel great, it only made me wonder "WTH am I with this man??????".
Tomorrow afternoon H is meeting with the boys for lunch... that he scheduled at the same time as church so he doesn't have to go to church with me. Ditched again.
First time he's seen them since Christmas as they've asked to live with their mom and he's somewhat given in. I am NOT invited to this lunch. H was clear on that. Apparently I'm not a member of the family. Without me there, he will agree to whatever they want so they still like him. Nevermind they have no parenting, supervision or rules there and their grades have plummeted or what's right for the boys. Not that I'd argue with him in front of them, but I would ask questions. So I give up. His kids. The MC told me I need to detach from his kids because my caring doesn't fix anything, it only gets me upset and hurt. So I'm done. Congrats H, you have a W who loves your kids and you just keep blowing up the family farther apart. Great job. Ugh.
Tomorrow evening his buddy's family is throwing a Superbowl party and he wants me to go. He never, ever, EVER wants to socialize with my friends. Ever. Any time we are with other couples, it's his friends... whose wives I don't like at all (rude, gossipy, etc). But I go to support him. As a 180 I said I'm not going, not interested. His friends. Don't care if it's a family event, he can go alone. Like I go to every single family event alone for my work and friends. I didn't say that last sentence but I thought it. I'm not being mean, just tired of always playing second fiddle.
Just FYI... I may be negative here. But I'm venting. I can't say this stuff IRL. I'm still DB'ing. Though most days I have no idea why.
the biggest reason i want to go, to get myself back.
I feel this too and debate whether staying involved is healthy or if getting myself back together first and foremost is most important.
I've been separated for 5 months, and being in my own place frees my time for work and income/$ recovery, and self-care. Lately, however, I've slipped, spendinng time yearning and bemoaning her absence instead of pouring time/energy on me.
Now I get it (and am hearing from my real-life friends to get going on self-development/self-care again.
Not sure what to post here anymore. I read a lot here but dont respond to much. Sometimes I post to those with no responses.
Things here are ok. H made plans to take me out tomorrow night. I tried to make a heartfelt gift... found an idea on pinterest to write on a deck of cards 52 reasons you love someone. I didnt have trouble finding 52 things, but I did get upset and start crying when I knew I couldnt write the big important stuff, like "I trust you with all my heart", or "you are so good to my family" or "you make me feel beautiful", etc. Instead all I could write was little stuff like thanks for taking out the trash, youre good to the dog, etc. I still did it but probably wont give it to him. I know he will do the standard stuff, card, candy, etc and thats ok but he wont wear his heart on his sleeve. Thats not his style. Its mine, but it always gets me hurt.
1600 thread views and few responses... should I be concerned? My thread isnt that interesting.
I just read some of your background threads. It is interesting and very sad.
Was your late son also his son? If so, how'd he handle that?
I am not sure what to tell you. What do you want from this board?
how can we help you?
Hope, I can totally relate to your step-family issues. It's very hard, especially during the teenage years. Detaching is the very best thing you can do. And your H's prioritizing them and playing "disney dad" is not something you'll likely ever talk him out of. As a stepmom, you will be the target if you're visible, and sometimes even if you're not. If you stay with H, you'll be able to re-engage with them when they're older. Meanwhile, keep focus on your R with H. You've got enough going on there.
what she said^^^....
the more you "battle" him for his attention or judge his parenting (or lack thereof)
the more estranged you'll feel from him AND the kids...it's a lose lose for now unless you detach,
And really do it. Your h may feel guilt for leaving his w's and kids and this is his only show of being a decent guy. He does not realize that discipline is a form of love. And it takes love to do it, not neglecting or ignoring the problems b/c it's easier than truly dealing, though that would be the more loving thing to do. He doesn't know, and it's probably not your job to teach him, (imo).
Stop attaching ANY of your happiness to his reaction to you, as hard as that may seem.
Same goes for the kids for sure. Be busy when they're around or have a calm down glass of wine (or ADs or whatevs)
but don't let them get to you. Thank God they aren't yours b/c I doubt they're easy on their own mom. (Those are two problems you don't have.)
Let us know how we can help.