My husband and I have been married 5 years and together 9. It has been rocky since we said I DO. Before we got married we spent everyday together and talked all the time. But when he got his job and we got married,we worked opposite shifts and were lucky if we talked 5-10 min a day. After a year, I got really lonely and I found comfort talkn with a guy I worked with. It started as an emotional affair and some kissing, but never lead to sex. I never told my H about it. I ended this EA, and tried to focus on starting a family with my H. But once we had our first son, I sunk in to a bit of a depression. I have always been insecure with my weight, and my H liked to pick on me. My H became jealous of all the attention that my son was getting from me. And it seemd that the only time he wanted to spend time with me was when he wanted sex. We stopped doing things together because he would get frustrated or start a fight to get out of doing things with me. He became very selfish with his time. He would spend his time on the weekends doing what he wanted to do and left me to watch our son. I started to come out of my depression a bit when I started to loose the weight, and things seemed to get better. Then I got pregnant again with our 2nd son, and things got even worse, because I ended up loosing my job at the end of 2008 and our son was born in March 2009. So I became a stay at home mom, while stilling to find a job. He thought that just because I was home and he had to be the bread winner that he was gonna do what made him happy on the weekends. So not only was I home all day and night with our kids, I was with them everyday without a break. Things really started to go downhill, when his parents told him that they were getting divorced in May 2009. H became even more cold and distant to me, and it seemed that everything I said something it would escalate into a huge fight. Finally in Oct 2009, he told me he was having an affair with someone that he worked with and that he wanted a divorce. He had fallen for this person because she was me before we had kids. He told me ILUBIMJNILU, and that we would be better as friends. So for the first few days, I tried to change my approach towards him, but that didn’t seem to help. H only wanted to talk about divorce and how we could get it done quick and easy. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved my kids and I in with my parents 2.5 hrs away. Our divorce was filled at the end of Oct 2009. I have gone to therapy and have come out of my depression, and realized all the stuff we fought about is minor, and I realized how much I love him and want our family to work. I have done all the wrong things to get him to realize that our family matters, and that I want to work on our marriage. In Feb 2010 he put the divorce on hold to go to therapy and make sure this is what he wants, and 3 weeks later the divorce proceedings were back on. He is still seeing the OW and plans to have her move in with him, because he cannot afford to live in his apt, once he has to start paying child support. My H keeps telling me that he is happy with the life and the choices that he has made, even though it comes at the expense of our boys and our marriage. I purchased DR in Feb 2010 and have been trying to do some of the techniques, but my H is not receptive at all to the new changes I have made, he just keeps telling me its over and that I need to move on bc that is what he has done. Last weekend, I gave him the book to read, and I asked him to read it for our kids. I didn’t know what else to do, I desperately want to fix my marriage but I am running out of time. Our pretrial conference is on Apr 26th. Any advice?
First of all, sorry to see you are here. Second, you are in the right place if you want to save your marriage.
Remember this all revolves around you - not your H. You are really doing this for you and your kids. If the M works out, great. If not you will have a life afterward.
Check out the DB.com Archive Advice from Wise DB'ers
That will get you started. I'm sure you will get lots of advice from the long time DB'ers soon.
Bottom line now is to wait and be silent ASAP. Wait for him to come to you rather than you pursuing.
Two words: PARAGRAPH BREAKS. You'll get a better response that way.
This is unreadable.
Puppy
do not let him read the book - do not mention it or this place at all to him. they are for you and you alone.
DR is your play book, not his.
some of the vets will be along with good avice - but #1 puppy is right paragraph breaks will get more people reading this.
hang in there.
Here again with breaks:
My husband and I have been married 5 years and together 9. It has been rocky since we said I DO. Before we got married we spent everyday together and talked all the time. But when he got his job and we got married,we worked opposite shifts and were lucky if we talked 5-10 min a day.
After a year, I got really lonely and I found comfort talkn with a guy I worked with. It started as an emotional affair and some kissing, but never lead to sex. I never told my H about it. I ended this EA, and tried to focus on starting a family with my H. But once we had our first son, I sunk in to a bit of a depression. I have always been insecure with my weight, and my H liked to pick on me.
My H became jealous of all the attention that my son was getting from me. And it seemed that the only time he wanted to spend time with me was when he wanted sex. We stopped doing things together because he would get frustrated or start a fight to get out of doing things with me. He became very selfish with his time. He would spend his time on the weekends doing what he wanted to do and left me to watch our son.
I started to come out of my depression a bit when I started to loose the weight, and things seemed to get better. Then I got pregnant again with our 2nd son, and things got even worse, because I ended up loosing my job at the end of 2008 and our son was born in March 2009. So I became a stay at home mom, while stilling to find a job.
He thought that just because I was home and he had to be the bread winner that he was gonna do what made him happy on the weekends. So not only was I home all day and night with our kids, I was with them everyday without a break.
Things really started to go downhill, when his parents told him that they were getting divorced in May 2009. H became even more cold and distant to me, and it seemed that everything I said something it would escalate into a huge fight.
Finally in Oct 2009, he told me he was having an affair with someone that he worked with and that he wanted a divorce. He had fallen for this person because she was me before we had kids. He told me ILUBIMJNILU, and that we would be better as friends. So for the first few days, I tried to change my approach towards him, but that didn’t seem to help. H only wanted to talk about divorce and how we could get it done quick and easy. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved my kids and I in with my parents 2.5 hrs away.
Our divorce was filled at the end of Oct 2009. I have gone to therapy and have come out of my depression, and realized all the stuff we fought about is minor, and I realized how much I love him and want our family to work. I have done all the wrong things to get him to realize that our family matters, and that I want to work on our marriage. In Feb 2010 he put the divorce on hold to go to therapy and make sure this is what he wants, and 3 weeks later the divorce proceedings were back on. He is still seeing the OW and plans to have her move in with him, because he cannot afford to live in his apt, once he has to start paying child support. My H keeps telling me that he is happy with the life and the choices that he has made, even though it comes at the expense of our boys and our marriage.
I purchased DR in Feb 2010 and have been trying to do some of the techniques, but my H is not receptive at all to the new changes I have made, he just keeps telling me its over and that I need to move on bc that is what he has done. Last weekend, I gave him the book to read, and I asked him to read it for our kids. I didn’t know what else to do, I desperately want to fix my marriage but I am running out of time. Our pretrial conference is on Apr 26th.
Any advice?
paragrah breaks do work - i just now saw part about A. This changes things.
is OW married?
your plan of action will be much different with OW involved - i am sure Puppy will be along soon...heed what he says.
Hey sweetie,
Sorry to hear about your sitch. You found a good place for support. I would like to suggest that you focus your energy on making the changes even though H is not receptive at the moment. Things are constantly changing, so it is key for you to keep making positive changes to your beliefs, thoughts, words and actions. Over time, all the small changes you make add up and H will notice.
I would also like to suggest that what works is almost always counter intuitive. In other words, pursing your spouse right now will push him farther away. He is in the fog. Puppy Dog Tails is very wise and you should read as many of his posts as you can.
HUGS
Consensus is NOT to give your spouse DR or let them know about this web site.
You have given your spouse the book. That is OK. Right now with an A going on, he is most likely not receptive to doing anything that works on fixing the M.
If you can, get it back from him. It is better if he does not have YOUR PLAYBOOK. Go get it. After you get it, if he ever asks about it, which I doubt, say "I decided I wanted to read it again." You can offer another R book like "5 love languages"
If you can't find it, ask for it back. Example: "I would like to re-read some parts of it".
Unfortuately I have no way to get the book back at the moment, H lives 2 hrs away. I just don't know what to do now.
As of late I have tried very hard to keep our communications at a min, because it tends to get ugly when the certain topics come up. But last weekend, we spent most of the weekend (due to a family fuction) and we didn't fight rather we worked well together to take care of our kids. Which we hadn't done in a long time. He feels like our marrige is a lost cause and that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage (like his parents).
Now what?
this may sound silly as we wait for the vets to chime in - you read DR, what things are you doing to GAL for yourself?
you need to begin to focus on YOU now.
Are you still in contact with him as i he is so far away (phone, email, text), are you the one initating contact?
I have been focusing on trying to find a job, working out, spending time with my kids. Trying to get back to the person that my H fell in love with.
I have limited contact with him. I don't call him unless it is necessary. We usually communicate by email, but lately the emails are getting to hard and things are getting misunderstood. The last set of emails were about rescheduling the pretrail hearing. I was very upset that he would tell me this in and email, and to make matters worse he did it on our son's 1st bday. I have recommended that if there is something major to talk about that we should do it with a therapist present.
When it is his weekend with the kids, I drive them back to were we used to live. While we were married H spent little time alone with both boys; and it helps put my mind at ease being in the same town with him when he has the boys. I know it sounds like I am enabling him, but I am trying to keep the peace to an extent. My H is a very impatient man, and is short fused. I just want my kids to enjoy their time with their dad, because they only get to see him for about 24hrs every two weeks. Which is hard because my boys are 3 yrs old and 1 yrs old. And it is really hard on our 3 yr old.
I have been focusing on trying to find a job, working out, spending time with my kids. Trying to get back to the person that my H fell in love with.
I have limited contact with him. I don't call him unless it is necessary. We usually communicate by email, but lately the emails are getting to hard and things are getting misunderstood. The last set of emails were about rescheduling the pretrail hearing. I was very upset that he would tell me this in and email, and to make matters worse he did it on our son's 1st bday. I have recommended that if there is something major to talk about that we should do it with a therapist present.
When it is his weekend with the kids, I drive them back to were we used to live. While we were married H spent little time alone with both boys; and it helps put my mind at ease being in the same town with him when he has the boys. I know it sounds like I am enabling him, but I am trying to keep the peace to an extent. My H is a very impatient man, and is short fused. I just want my kids to enjoy their time with their dad, because they only get to see him for about 24hrs every two weeks. Which is hard because my boys are 3 yrs old and 1 yrs old. And it is really hard on our 3 yr old.
at least you have goals and seem to be working at them. Not much to really say or offer. Just wanted to say hang in there and stay strong.
Thank you for fixing my post for me.
Other than working on GAL? How else can I get my H to see that we can make our marriage work? Our biggest problem is communication. If we could find away to get around our misunderstandings, that would help.
Other than working on GAL? How else can I get my H to see that we can make our marriage work? Our biggest problem is communication. If we could find away to get around our misunderstandings, that would help.
Have you read any of Puppy Dog Tails posts?
180's, Detachment and Boundaries are good.
What YOU can do is improve your LISTENING and VALIDATION SKILLS.
So your H has told you that he no longer wants to be married to you. Validate HIS POV. If you try and control him (IE lets stay married) you will continue to push him away.
Always run your validation statements past us first.
Our WAS don't think we can change. PROVE THEM WRONG. Project that you are always happy. Project that you are glad they set you free. Project that you are having the time of your life. Focus on all the good things in your life and you will draw more good things into your life.
I will look into his posts definitely.
Lately, when we do talk I am doing most of the listening. I am trying very hard not to bring up our R at all. I was very bad about pushing him to work on our marriage, up until January. Then I did a 180 and started acting more like a friend and listening to him. He would call me, but it was usually when H and OW were fightn. He tends to get depressed if he hasn't seen our kids in awhile, and that usually causes fights between them. Since January I have really only had one major slip up, and that was when he called his lawyer on our sons 1st bday to have the pretrial conference reschedule. I told him he was making a mistake, and so on.
How do you project that you are happy that they set you free, when thats not the case at all? I struggle with that everyday. I have a hard time getting out bc I am a mom with 2 young boys. I try to get out and do as much as I can with them, going to the zoo, park, so on. But there are very few times when I get to go out without them.
I have told him several times that I respect his feeling and understand why he doesn't think we can make our marriage work. I try very hard to validate his feeling. But at times I tend to start talkn like a therapist, but I catch myself and kick myself for doing it. I have even gone as far as to apologize for or to talk responsibility for my mistakes in our marriage. I have tried to boost his confidence when it comes to taking care of our kids, because I always stepped in and did it for him. where as now he has to attempt it on his own, and I am there to help if he needs it.
I can see your point on WAS, because I have told H many times all the things that I would change personally if we worked on our marriage. I am taking baby steps to show him that I mean business. One of his biggest complaint is that we spent too much time with my family, all holidays or birthdays and so on. His biggest complaint is that we never had any traditions of our own. I was always felt that I needed to be at every family function, whereas now because of all of this realize taht I don't need to be, I just need to be with my family (H and Kids). So this Easter, the boys and I will not be at Easter with my family, rather we are going to go to the zoo with my SIL and hang out.
I just hope he can start to see, before its too late. It took me going to therapy and being on an antidepressent too realize that I miss and love my H very much, even thru the PA.
Everyday, I wake up and have a choice on how I view the world. I focus on all the positive things in my life. This brings Joy to my life. With this joy, I feel happy. If I need a boost, I can always "think" of a positive past event to bring good feelings. If I need more, I can even imagine a positive event.
Thats a good point. I do those things already. I wake up to the best things in my life right now, my kids. They give me the strength to put on a happy face and tell myself that everything is going to be alright.
The problem I have is that my H lives 2 hrs away and we hardly see each other. But when I am around him I try to be as positive and smiley as I can. I try to be the opposite of what I was while we were together. But for me its hard because it feels like because I am so far away from him, I'm out of sight out of mind. Whereas the OW is practically forcing herself on him and into his life, and pushing us out.
But all I can hope is that she keeps forcing him too much and they break up, so that he can maybe realize what he is doing. He has already told me that she is very pushy and her and I are exact opposites, and the impression I get from him is that he isn't liken that very much. BC with me he could do whatever he wanted and she has him on a short leash. (OW didn't like that we spent so much time together last weekend)
He has gone to a IC and now my H feels that his actions are alright and that our marriage isn't worth trying to fix, because he has never been single and is enjoying his lifesyle now. The life with no responsiblities. He has said that his IC is supposedly pro marriage, but I'm starting to think otherwise.
So all I can do now is wake up every morning and do what I do best: take care of my kids and myself.
Trying very hard to busy for the next few days, especially with the holiday. I am also trying very hard not to respond to emails or txt messages from H, when he calls I let him talk to our kids and when he is done I just hang up.
It is getting very hard the last few days, because our 3 yr old keeps asking about daddy. I try very hard to remind him that I love him very much and that no matter what I will always be there for him. He was very upset when we drove down the interstate Sunday on our way home, driving away from daddy's appartment. he kept telling me mommy ur driving the wrong way, turn around!! It breaks my heart to listen to him do this, I wish my H had to hear what he does to him. Our 3 yr old really misses his dad, and our 1 yr old lights up when he hears my H voice on the phone. I hope this gets easier on the boys, only time will tell.
Well I couldn't sleep much last night. H posted some pics of him kayaking on Facebook and it botherd me bc he knows how much I like going. He has been posting alot lately on Facebook, which is out of the norm for him. Its almost like he is doing it to make me jealous. The part the makes me ill is that he recently changed his relationship status to 'in a relationship with OW' even though he is still married to me.
Also on Facebook, the other day I posted some pics of the boys playing outside. And this morning I woke up to him posting my pics on his wall. I have asked him in the past not to do that. I had been blocking him and my MIL from seeing my pics, but he accused me of cutting him out of our kids lives and he also promised not to post my pics to his wall. What should I do? I am trying very hard to keep the peace and don't want to be bitchy. I have reblocked him from viewing my pics.
On a lighter note, I got good news yesterday!! I received a job offer. I was hoping that my H would have come to his senses before this happend. I would much rather be looking for a job, where we used to live. But GAL!! Its gonna be weird going back to work, I haven't had a job since xmas 2008, other than being a mom.
I hope this weekend goes smoothly. I am going to be avoiding the family Easter, which is already got people unhappy. But it is so hard going to family events lately. So I am excited to get out of the house and do something fun with the boys.
Its hard to tell lately if I am in denial about everything that is going on. He keeps making it a point when I see him, to tell me that he has moved on and that I should do the same. He doesn't feel that he can get over what he has done to our marriage and his feelings for me. There is a huge part of me that feels that my H and I can work on our M and be so much happier. For some reason it took his affair for me to snap out of my depression, and start to realize how much I love my H, but in his eyes it was too little too late. There are so many things that would be easy fixes to do, and others like the OW issue that would be harder.
The hard part for me to understand is the things that I always told him that I wanted for our relationship or what was lacking, he is now doing with the OW. I wanted more snuggling and more romance, heck I wanted him to pay attention to me like he used too. But he based his happiness in our M around sex, and I was the one with a LD to have sex. Which was mainly due to being pregnant, being depressed, and the birth control that I was on.
He truely is one of my only friends, which is sad. But I lost contact with most of my friends from High School when we moved. I am slowly starting to reconnect with some of them. GAL!!
Then there is another part of me, that feels this Divorce may be good. And I only say that is because my H has alot of issues from his childhood and has anger management issues, not to mention that his own parents divorce (which is going on right now too) that he needs to deal with. Which he is starting to do, I just hope he continues to do so. His anger is one of the main things that pushed me away and made me put up my guard around him. The slightest thing would set him off. And he claims that it only happens when he is around his mother and myself. I know for my part, it usually happened when I would disagree or point out something wrong to him. But most of the time he was misunderstanding what I was trying to get accross.
This situation has showed me that I can stand up for myself and that no matter what happens I will continue to show my boys how much I love them. So for now, I am keeping my heart open to what may or may not happen. I find the strength to keep my love for my husband alive thanks in part to my boys.
I have some thoughts after reading through your situation.
1) If you can't get the book back, don't sweat it. WAS's are rarely interested in working on the relationship, so it's unlikely that he'll ever crack it open.
2) The first thing that you need to come to terms with is that you cannot control his behavior. However, you
can influence his behavior by how you interact with him.
A good book for you to look at is
The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca; it discusses much of the same stuff as DB and DR, and also covers topics like emotional reactivity (here is
a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject) and detachment (here is
a Livestrong.com article on detachment). If you can work on detaching and overcoming emotional reactivity, you have the tools to defuse the negative interaction that currently exists.
3) Work on yourself. Many people are unwilling or unable to change until their life is in crisis. You should take advantage of this to really look at yourself and decide who you are and what is important to you.
The easiest way to start this is to
read, read, read. 1000ships collected a whole bunch of good articles by James J. Messina, the author of "Developing Detachment" above, in
this thread.
Good books:
The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca (mentioned above)
Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn
(She and her husband Jeff wrote a companion book,
For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women)
He keeps making it a point when I see him, to tell me that he has moved on and that I should do the same. He doesn't feel that he can get over what he has done to our marriage and his feelings for me.
This is typical WAS script. He's trying to justify to you and to himself what he is doing to the relationship.
There is a huge part of me that feels that my H and I can work on our M and be so much happier. For some reason it took his affair for me to snap out of my depression, and start to realize how much I love my H, but in his eyes it was too little too late.
It was the same for me; the left-behind spouses often feel like they were blindsided. There can be any number of reasons why this is; maybe we were that blind to the problems. Maybe the walkaway spouses weren't as good at communicating their feelings as they thought they were.
There are so many things that would be easy fixes to do, and others like the OW issue that would be harder.
Well, yes. As long as there is an OW, you can't work on your relationship because you don't really have one any more. There are very different opinions on how to handle unfaithful spouses on this board. Think long and hard before you take anyone's advice on it, because you are just as likely to ruin any chances of reconciliation as you are going to "bust" the affair.
The hard part for me to understand is the things that I always told him that I wanted for our relationship or what was lacking, he is now doing with the OW. I wanted more snuggling and more romance, heck I wanted him to pay attention to me like he used too. But he based his happiness in our M around sex, and I was the one with a LD to have sex. Which was mainly due to being pregnant, being depressed, and the birth control that I was on.
Our esteemed hostess has some tips on how to handle this:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/11-tips-for-the-spouse-with-a-lower-sex-drive/http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/9-tips-for-the-spouse-with-a-higher-sex-drive/He truely is one of my only friends, which is sad. But I lost contact with most of my friends from High School when we moved. I am slowly starting to reconnect with some of them. GAL!!
One thing that my wife said to me early on was, "being the most important person in your life meant more when I wasn't the only thing in your life".
By going out and doing things by yourself and for yourself, you make yourself an interesting and fun person to be around.
Then there is another part of me, that feels this Divorce may be good. And I only say that is because my H has alot of issues from his childhood and has anger management issues, not to mention that his own parents divorce (which is going on right now too) that he needs to deal with. Which he is starting to do, I just hope he continues to do so. His anger is one of the main things that pushed me away and made me put up my guard around him. The slightest thing would set him off. And he claims that it only happens when he is around his mother and myself. I know for my part, it usually happened when I would disagree or point out something wrong to him. But most of the time he was misunderstanding what I was trying to get accross.
You might want to head over to the Mid-Life Crisis forums and see what they have to say. Many MLC's are based on unresolved childhood issues and triggered by a catastrophic event such as the loss of a parent or family member, divorce, job loss, etc.
This situation has showed me that I can stand up for myself and that no matter what happens I will continue to show my boys how much I love them. So for now, I am keeping my heart open to what may or may not happen. I find the strength to keep my love for my husband alive thanks in part to my boys.
The best way to keep your hope and your love alive is to not succumb to anger and resentment.
Trent, you have alot of good advice. So thank you.
I have found that one of my major problems was that I used to hold on to grudes and found it very hard to forgive him, bcause in the back of my mind I felt that he was never sincere. But lately, I don't find myself doing that. I should be mad as hell that he is having an affair and wants to throw our life together away. I was at first, but now don't. Maybe its because I had an EA, but ended it and focusd on our family. I do tend to get upset and over protective when he talks about this OW moving in with him, bc we agreed that our kids wouldn't be around new people for awhile.
I look forward to getting the books that you recommened. I hope they can help me channel this effort into something positive.
When we had our boys, it always seemd that whatever my husband wanted to go out and do something he got to do it. And I had to stay home with the kids. Whenever I wanted to go out, with my best friend he would make a big deal about having to watch the kids. So I never really got to get out of the house unless I took one of them with me. So when it came to our family, I have always put them before my own needs. So right now I am having to re-discover who I am, outside of being a mom. And its hard to do, thank god I moved back in with my parents so that they are able to help me with the boys.
Well today wasn't too bad. The boys and I went to the zoo and the book store. But when one of my aunts came over, the first thing she asked was 'how are you doing?' I really hate that question, you can tell my looking at me that I am torn about what to do. I know everyone means well, but its starting to really drive me crazy, its been almost 6 months they should know the answer by now. It wouldn't be so bad, but the minute I hear that question it makes me tear up and start crying.
I got a call from the H, who thought that I should bring the boys to his parents so that they can see them. My H doesn't like to be around his parents, so he thinks that I should have to do his dirty work. I just didn't respond, he already knew I wasn't gonna go there, so why ask.
When this all started my husband and I agreed that the children would not go back to OUR house, because it would be too confusing for them. SO my H had to come to his parents house to see the boys. So from the beg of NOV 2009 till the end of Feb 2010, my H has prob spent a total of 48 hrs with our kids. He would come up Sunday morn at 10 and then leave around 4pm. But now that our house has sold and he has an appartment, he wants the boys down by him instead of my his parents. My H cannot stand to be around his parents because the tension is so bad there.
I talkd to my SIL and I asked her to teach me how to golf. She asked me why, and I told her it was something new for me to try. Besides it was one of the things that I wanted my H to do this summer, as something we could do together. But since he isn't around, the next best thing is his sister!! (she is a better golfer anyway, and she will prob have more patience.
So I am making a list of things that I want to do this summer, to help GAL. I'm gonna learn to golf and I want to take some cooking classes. I am gonna sign my boys up for swimming lessons. Not to mention I will be starting a new job. Things may stink right now, but I cannot wait for my H to get his head out of his butt. That will take awhile, I just hope that when he does he realizes what he has missed and given up.
Well, I've been doing my best to have limited contact with my H. Over the last week, I have had very limited contact with him: he has sent me emails and I haven't responded, he has sent voicemails and I don't return the call. He called yesterday to talk to our 3 yr old, but Nic didn't want to talk to him. I could tell that my H was bothered by that, H hasn't talkd to Nic in almost a week. Then last night, H tried takn to me on Facebook and I just signed off.
I have some question for everyone:
**What is the best way to handle questions from my 3 yr old? He keeps asking why daddy lives in an apartment? What happened to our house? Why do we live with Grandma? I do the best I can to try and change the subject and to tell him that I love him and that I will always be there for him.
**I am doing my best to detach from my H and to do limited contact. But are there times when my H may take this as I am ignoring him? May that push him away even more? I've already done enough damage in pushing him away, now I need to do damage control, not make it worse.
Well I am following thru on alot of things, and I am trying to put the boys and I first. Yesterday I signed everyone up for swimming lessons, accepted the job offer and went shopping for some new clothes. I've decided that I can no longer sit on the sidelines and watch life past me by. So from now on, I am gonna do what I can to make sure the boys and I are happy, and do what I can to preserve the love for my husband.
I need some insight! Please help.
Yesterday was a rough day. My H called around lunch time to talk to our 3 yr old. Our son said he didn't want to talk to daddy, and my H heard him say it. My H kept talkn to him and as H is talkn our son gets all sad (almost like he is gonna cry) after I hang up the phone, I can see my son in the backseat get a sad look on his face and got really upset. Then it seemed like for the rest of the day he was in the same mood, sad and grumpy. My question is do I tell my H about this or do I keep it to myself? But it makes me feel awful for my son, who talks about his daddy alot and misses him. It sucks that my husband cannot see what he is doing to our sons.
My other problem yesterday came right before I went to bed. I jumped on Facebook to play a game quick before bed, and my H came on and cornered me in a chat. He started asking about some bills, so fine I answered him. Then he proceeds to tell me that he is gonna try and get out of work early Friday night, so he can have the boys Friday night thru Sunday, since its his weekend. I told him that we need to stick to the agreement, which is Saturday morning thru Sunday mid afternoon. And I told him I don't appreciate being guilted into changing the agreement. His response to that was "unless we resonably agree to other plans I lsot a weekend and am going almost 3 weeks again without seeing them I would hope when I request stuff I don't always meet resistance. we also agreed unless reasonably agreed upon by both sometimes we will need to switch things up if this is what I am going to get every time I ask for some lee way then we will ahv eto go back to mediation."
I need some guidance on what I should do about next weekend. It seems like everytime its his weekend, he trys to find ways to change the plans. The last time it was his weekend, the boys and I were staying at a friends house on Thursday and Friday because my SIL was playing in the state tournement. So my H thought that he should get the boys Friday night, instead of waiting to get them Saturday morning. He ended up taking our 3 yr old while the 1 yr old stayd with my friend so I could go to the game.
I don't want to be a push over, but at the same time I am tired of him threatn me to go back to mediation for our visitation schedule. In our visitation schedule, my husband gave me all major holidays, and he only wants to see them every other weekend. and the week between xmas and new years, and one week in the summer.
At the same time I just want to put my family back together. What should I do?
I am trying to detach from my husband the best I can. I haven't called or text him in about a week. I have only sent email telling him I signed the boys up for swimming lessons. I am keeping my self busy. I am focusing on getting ready to start a new job. So we have been doing alot of shopping and getting the boys organized and ready to go to daycare all day.
I am trying to establish boundries with my H when it comes to the boys. I am tired of him trying to guilt me into things. I am standing up to him, I just hope that I don't get weak and back down. He knows how bad I want him to be with the boys, and he tries to use that against me to get more time with them. At the same time I don't want him to think I am doing this to hurt him, because all I want is to put my family back together. But its hard to do when my H head is in a fog.
Again today my H called to talk to our son, and it left our son feeling sad. I love how my H chooses to start a new life, and I am left to pick up the pieces for our kids. He causes all the problems and I am left to make everything better for our kids. He brags about how he gets to go golfing and kayaking when ever he wants, do whatever he wants. I wish my husband would wake up and see what he is doing to our kids.
I wish there was more I can do to make this better for my kids. All I can do is tell them is that I love them and that I will always be there for them.
I need some suggestions on how to make this easier for my kids. Its seems like everytime my H calls, he makes our 3 yrd depressed. He gets really sad and moppy. Sometimes our 3 yrd wont even talk to him on the phone. Do I tell my H what he is doing to our son or do I keep it to myself?
I am starting to get a bit stressed out. I also had a reality check today as well. Since I will be starting a new job soon, I found out today how much fulltime daycare will cost for both boys. I forgot how expensive daycare is.
I don't know how single moms manage. I am starting to see how difficult my future is gonna be; not that my H was much help when we were together. But so far I am managing, thanks to the help of my parents.
Today, I am incredibly stressed out. My son (3) is having a rough day. Its only 1030 am and he is having tantrums. It is days like today where I could use my H help with him. I am doing the best that I can with him, but am losing my patience fast. I have to remind myself that he is only 3 and dealing with basically the loss of his dad, because he only sees his dad every other weekend if that. And they use to spend everyday together.
Hopefully my son will wake up from his nap in a better mood, so that today isn't totally ruined. Its finally starting to get nice out, after the snow storm that we got the other day.
I can't say what is going on in his brain, but as much as I love my kids as they do me, I thought about how hard it would be to try rebuilding any kind of life while being the 'one who left/was kicked out'. Having to pay for it just makes the resentment grow.
It doesn't change my love, but there were many dark days that I figured I was going to lose them anyhow - if not now, when they are older and have decided to hate me for leaving. I know they'll never really get the bad dynamics of my R with my W, but I assumed if they're going to hate me, maybe it would be best not to try and to move on quickly.
Now, I'm not sure if I'll be D or not by years end, but I came to grip with those feelings enough to present various options to my W that always kept the kids in both my and her lives. The laws here help; you can't even move out of city without consultation and possibly court appearances to ensure children under 16 always get their needs considered first.
Having a heart-to-heart, no guilt, talk with him might help. I'm on the alt (dbust) and if you want some articles that you could give him about why he should really consider being more involved. Involved doesn't mean calling, it means being in contact.
Finding out what he would like if a D goes through may be helpful, if you haven't already discussed that.
Some real hard 180s or decisions you could consider (remember, I'm just thinking...it's your life!)
- Move closer to him so the kids don't have to lose their family members
- Ask him to move closer to you for visitation
- Offer him the house during weekend days for him to spend time with them
- Find out if he would like to have the kids visit at his place
I guess what I'm saying is that a calm, kind & loving discussion in person (over coffee with a babysitter at home?) might make him wake up and pull his head up toward his children again.
BTW-My 3 yr old doesn't need any reason for a tantrum, so consider yourself lucky! The worst for me isn't the 3yr old either, it is the 10 year old. She gets the idea of separation so much more.
We have gone thru a mediation session for our visitation schedule. My husband will see them every other weekend. He has given me all major holidays. Its not that he doesn't want to be more involved, its more about how he is being selfish with his time. Up until March (so in 5 months) he saw our kids once a month for about 6 hrs top each time. He had several weekends in the time where he could have come up to see them, but chose to spend time w/OW and her friends.
I have tossed around the idea of moving back to the town where we used to live. But right now, I feel that I need to stay with my parents (2.5 hrs from my husband) until I am able to get on my feet financially. (I finally found a job and will be starting April 19th) Not to mention I have more support here to help with the kids and to give me a break. When I was concidering moving back, my husband was also questioning his thoughts about if he was doing the right thing. SO it looked as if he may want us to come home. But about a week later, he informs me that he wants to move in with OW. I just wouldn't be able to handle being around him and possible her. Not to mention we don't have family there and I have only one great friend that lives there for support.
I have tried talking to him calmly about being more involved. Trying to get him to see what he is missing out on or the things that he will miss. I have tried to explain to him that they don't want his gifts, they want his love and attention. H therapist told him that he should write the boys letters everyweek, like being pen pals. And I'm sorry but how does he expect a 3 yr old to write back? I told H that I will read the letters to the boys, but don't expect me to write back for them bc then it would be like I was personally writing it (if that makes sense) So to be nice, the first week, I made him a scrapbook page of the boys handprints that said 'daddy's little hands' and gave it to him for his bday from the boys.
I would love to get some time alone with my H so that we could talk. But we are never alone and the only time I see him now, is when it is his weekend or we have a court date for the D. I would love the chance for my H to see the 'new' me, bc he doesn't get the chance to do so when we are around the kids. I honestly think my H is afraid to be alone with me. When I was packing up our stuff at the house, he made sure my FIL was there, so that he wouldn't have to be alone with me.
This may sound bad, but I pray every night that the OW does something that will push him away and bring him back to us. Its really upsetting, when he tells me that the reason he loves being with her is bc she was me 10 yrs ago. Outgoing and fun to be around, but when we got married and our careers got in the way that all changed. We both became to focused on doing things around the house and I tended to focus all my attention on the kids.
I also pray every night that God will bring my H back to my kids and I. But also that he gives me the strenght to deal with whatever may happen. Its weird but I just have a gut feeling that once the divorce goes thru (bc I don't see my H changing his mind in the next few weeks) that he will soon realize that he is making a huge mistake. Or its just wishful thinking.
I am getting very fustrated lately. Maybe its the lack of sleep or the fustration of what is going on. My youngest son is teething and not sleeping well.
I haven't talked to my husband about anything really in almost 3 weeks. He has calls to talk to our boys, but doesn't really talk to me. I don't know if going dark is working, I think I miss him more and more every day. But I guess its hard to tell, bc H is still actively involved with OW. He has sent me several txt messages over the weekend, but I didn't get them till this morning and didn't respond to them. The first one was asking about what the boys were doing. And the second was asking What was under construction? Yesterday on my facebook status was Under contruction, which I was refering to rebuilding my kids swingset at my parents house. And again today, when he called to talk to our son, he asked again what was under contruction. So I told him. He seemed suprised that I could figure out how to put it back together. He sometimes forgets how handy that I am.
I am doing my best to keep myself busy. I am getting my kids ready to start daycare full time, so they are ready for me to start my new job next week. I am doing my best not to let the things going on around me affect me. I enjoyed rebuilting the swingset yesterday. I am also looking forward to going and buying my first set of golf clubs this week, its my birthday present from my parents and myself. I figured I would release my fustrations out on the ball, instead of bottling it up.