Train, are You OK?? - DivorceBusting.com

Train,

I was going to bump your other thread and see how you were doing, but I see it's locked. Please give us an update when you can; I'm concerned about you!

thanks,

Starsky

Geeze, people need to check in every now and then! Worried about so many.

I adore y'all.

Thank you SO much for thinking of me. I'm ok. At a doc appt right now. Will jump back on when I'm home and will update a little.

I've been sitting with your words from the last thread, Starsky. I had no idea you've been through sooooo much crap, too. Sorry I haven't been on long enough to respond. I'm still checking in - mainly, while Life is keeping me too busy to sit down and rest or journal - I keep checking here to see if mdu has stopped by.

I'll be back shortly. Thank you all so much.

(((sphew!)))

Glad you're okay. Just update when you can, now that we know you're fine, Train. I do understand.

Starsky

Starsky, when you get a sec, pop over to Depressed WAW 4 in Newcomers end of page 4 start of pg 5. This is right up your alley.

I'll try, Jefe. Been out of town since last week and I'm digging out from under at work still.

I know that feeling.

Ok, I have a quiet moment now. Those happen so rarely, especially these days!

I *think* I'm doing a little better. I can look back on the first week after I confronted D18 about being pregnant, and - if this makes sense - I feel the burden of the bewilderment, the disappointment, the sadness and the grief I felt. Because I can look back and feel those things in hindsight, I think that means I'm not feeling so much that way anymore. Hahaha. It's bad when I have to rely on such "benchmarks" to gauge my present feelings, eh?

The dust, though, seems to be settling on all fronts.

I'm still struggling with some PTSD-like responses from the wreck. Those have seemed to actually overshadow any similar (but obviously different) responses that I had from H's A earlier this year. We'll be dealing with insurance issues for some time, so I've decided that I don't have many options where that's concerned, except just sit and wait and take things one day at a time. I'm almost finished up with the chiropractor, and I'm thinking I should probably get some IC to deal with some of the responses and fears I'm having. But that's an expense all on its own. And right now, my mental health seems like the least of my worries ... though I know it would be a mistake to neglect myself. When I think of IC for me, all I see is a huge tangled web of MANY long-standing issues. And I see dollar signs. Lots of 'em.

As for D18, she's starting to face the reality of her situation. And although I hate to see her heartbroken, I'm thankful to see she's processing the weight of her new reality. It isn't going to be easy. I'm grieving the dreams I had for her but slowly making peace with the fact that she is on her own path. And she will be okay. I have gathered my little village of strong mamabears to rally behind her and empower her. And I am trying to help her out with midwife recommendations; in fact, I called my midwife yesterday, who is no longer here in town. We talked for over an hour. It was nice. And empowering for ME.

Baby-Daddy has finally stopped pushing for abortion, realizing that's a losing battle. So now he (and apparently also his mom, via him) is pushing for adoption. Not that I think adoption is a poor option for people, but it's just not an option in our family. They clearly don't know us. At all. He still hasn't been here to meet me. I still haven't heard from his parents. He continues texting D18, but he's digging in his heels about his involvement with a child. Still, he's hesitating to relinquish his paternal rights, even though D18 - who is a very black-and-white person who NEEDS answers and decisiveness (it drives me CRAZY about her) - is asking him to sign the papers so that she, in her mind, can begin to move forward and plan her life.

I have put feelers out to a L friend of mine, so that ball is ready to start rolling if he finally makes a choice to officially bow out.

One day at a time: That's about right, Starsky. But, yes, I'm tired of living my life this way and having to use the same mantras - "one day at a time," "it could always be worse" - to get through life. It just shouldn't be like this. Not this rapid-fire of big issues ... all within months (and sometimes weeks) of one another.

It IS a bad chapter of my life. There are no explanations for why it's all happened ... or why it's all happened the WAY it's happened.

But I know I'll charge through it. Just like all the other storms. I mean, is there a different option? Not for me.

And at the end of it all, maybe I still won't be able to make much sense of it. But it will all still, well, BE. And either I'll have an understanding, or I won't. Acceptance has to come either way. And I know, at least in D18's case, something so, so, so good is coming out of it. A life. A baby. And, yes, even watching my daughter join the ranks of all the powerful women in this world who have created a life and turned - seemingly in an instant - from self-absorbed women-children into a strong, responsible, loving mothers. That is something to be celebrated. And I know that time will come, even while I am saddened that it has come entirely too soon.

As for H and me? We're still working together and, as far as I can tell, still feeling like a team in all this madness ... which is a miracle in its own right. I look back sometimes at the months before he initiated his A and I think: Was that really us?!? How could we have been THERE??? How did we get there? We were nothing more than irritated roommates. Not a team. Not lovers. Not friends.

I'm so thankful I have him by my side right now. Things may not be perfect. And he may still say things at certain times that cause my blood to boil ... and maybe even say things I shouldn't (or at least shouldn't at that particular time, in that particular tone of voice), but I think we are learning a little better how (and even WHEN) to communicate with one another.

It's progress, not perfection, right?

Thank y'all, again, for checking on me. I hope to be on more now that the dust is settling some.

Starsky, when is the move-date for your daughter and granddaughter? Still feeling heavy-hearted for you and your family ...

My daughter and granddaughter now look like they'll be here at least thru February (2/19 is my GD's 5th birthday), so I am thankful for that and drinking to drink in the moments between now and then, Train.

Thanks for checking in. Please continue to post here, even if it's not relationship-related. It can help, and besides -- We miss you!

Starsky

I will. I miss y'all too! You guys keep me sane!!!

I'm relieved to know you have more time with your granddaughter before the move. It will be hard, no matter what. But, if I might offer a small piece of (useless, hard-to-live) advice: Try to enjoy the time from now through February, offering little-to-no energy to what comes after that. I was advised several years ago to "stop grieving LIFE." Easier said than done, though, I'm afraid.

And "drinking to drink"? Boy! I'll drink to THAT!!! Cheers, brother ... and gigantic hugs ...

Ha!! That was supposed to be TRYING to drink!!! LOL

Makes sense either way!!

Just checking in, guys.

Starsky, you out there? How are things in your corner of the world?

Wonka, didn't I read that you were going to have a coffee date or something with Mrs. Wonka?

Zew? Devaste?

How are my peeps?

I've been thinking of all y'all ... a lot recently, for some reason.

I guess the easiest thing is to find your threads (if you have one) and check in. But if you're reading, drop me a line to let me know how y'all are.

xoxo

Train baby!!! Where you've been?? Of course, giving your H 100x pats on his bum. That's what. How's your sweet H? Your new M?

If you want to read up on the meet up with Ms. Wonka, just swing by my thread over in the Big D forum.

Wonka! I've been here ... I promise. Checking in almost daily to read, but I've had a hard time just making time to sit and write much.

I keep hoping that will change.

Yep, still many pats on the ol' H's bum goin' on.

Things are pretty good. I had heebie-jeebies for the first time yesterday in quite some time. And it was so weird what brought it up:

I've been looking for a specific piece of furniture for my hallway for over a year. Like, I look WEEKLY for something vintage that comes close to matching my vision. (I'm not a jewelry person or a traveling person ... I'm a furniture/home-decorator person). I finally stumbled upon something I really, really liked. H knows I've been looking obsessively since the month before BD for this one.particular.piece. So, I had a picture of this piece I'd had my eye on for about three weeks. He's like: "It's perfect. Let's go pick it up."

I hesitated; it was a little out of my budgeted price range. But it was the first piece he's heard me say was "close to perfect" since March.

So I should be elated, right? H isn't being stingy and selfish like he's been known to be in his "past life."

But on the way to pick it up? I had a knot in my stomach. Why? Because he also bought me a coveted piece of furniture for our 10th wedding anniversary ... and we went to pick it up together ... just five days before I caught him cheating in February.

It was WEIRD to go on another furniture pick-up (the first since BD). And it didn't feel good. At all. Those flashbacks are serious business! But I went. I talked to H about it some, when (noticing I was being a little quiet and withdrawn, I suppose) he asked if I was okay. And that was that. And I loved the piece. And we bought it. And he took me out to dinner. And I spent today painting it and distressing it - making it mine - and I love it. And him.

And I'm moving on ...

I can't say our new M is EASY. It's not. But it's a HELLUVA lot better than what it was!

Am I still expecting him to leave again? Absolutely. But am I holding that over his head or allowing it to impact my behavior? Absolutely not.

I know this is going to take time, sweet time. And lots of hard work. Some days? I want to throw in the towel: why delay the inevitable? That's what I ask myself. But H has gotten SO much better at communicating with me and sensing when I need to talk. And I've gotten better at knowing how to meet his needs. I'll even catch myself NOT meeting his needs ... and I'll pull myself back to "center."

With the wreck and then D18 becoming pregnant, it's been a struggle for us. But we still make time for each other every Saturday for date night. Right now, that's about all we can do. But we sneak in other moments as we can to spend time together and to catch up.

All-in-all? I can't complain.

I'll swing over by your thread for sure. Big, big hugs to you, Wonka!!! I miss you!

Train, I joined a bit after your involvement here but I so enjoy reading your updates. It gives me hope for my situation. Thank you for popping in and sharing from time to time.

Hey, Jefe! I'm so glad my experiences are helping others, and it is my pleasure to share!

I wish I could say that things are beautiful and wonderful and all roses, sunshine, rainbows and unicorns all the time. But that's not life, is it?

Another story (gah, I'm so long-winded, especially when I haven't shared an update in a while - lol): The other day, H came home from his primary-job, fuming (AGAIN). He was ready to throw in the towel. I saw, over the course of a few weeks, that he was becoming agitated (AGAIN) ... which has always been a HUGE red-flag for me about where he is, mentally. He honestly used to bounce from one job to the next (which used to be industry-standard in his career-field, so no big deal), but jobs are not as easy to come by these days, as he (and our family) has learned the HARD way the past five years.

Anyway, so he starts applying to different jobs. I am FREAKING OUT, but I try to remain supportive instead of nagging him about finances and health insurance like I used to do when he was on the prowl for a new job.

So he finds a job AN HOUR AWAY and is actually planning to go to the interview, which I thought was ludicrous. But, assuming he had our family's best interest at heart, I stayed out of it and even helped him find his resume, etc. THEN, however, I saw that he was looking for rental properties in a city about 45 minutes from here. I asked him what was up with that. He said he was just looking for rentals closer to the potential workplace. And instead of nagging him, like I would have back in the old days, I said: "Oh. Okay. Just to remind you, though, you and I agreed - when you moved back home - that we would be staying in (current town) until D17 graduates. She doesn't graduate until June. Until she has moved away to college, I will be staying here, as we discussed and planned. I understand you are unhappy at work, and I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you. If there *is*, please let me know. At the same time, we made a commitment to D17. And I will be sticking to that commitment. I will not be leaving here until next year. And when I leave, I will be moving with the kids to the mountains, as you and I had planned and agreed on. When I leave this house, I will be moving to the mountains, with or without you. That was our agreement."

He canceled his job interview at the new place the following morning without telling me. The next few days were tense because I *knew* he hadn't gone, but he hadn't talked to me about it. I finally raised the issue and told him I felt we were a little disconnected and hadn't spent any time catching up. So we planned a night out, and we talked about it. He said he spent some time thinking about what I had said and he realized he had lost sight of our shared goal. I shared with him, then, some of my reservations about moving *anywhere* with him, away from my family ... mainly, that he would leave me high-and-dry again ... and, of course, NOW I have to consider I have a grandchild about to be born who will be living with us. Will I be able to just up and leave him/her? Will D18 and her child come with us? How will that impact our finances? We were planning to move into a tiny house in the mountains so H wouldn't have to work so much ...

One thing after another. But I digress ...

Now, H is looking for a different job here in town, and I printed his resume just today for another local job he's eyeballing.

Maybe it's building resentment in him that I'm not going to "support" packing up my family and moving 45 minutes away just so he can be happy at another job for 6 months before he's miserable again. Those kinds of things used to worry me. And I would nag about it.

Not now. Now? I have personal boundaries. Ones that not even my husband - who I love almost more than life - can penetrate. And that's that.

I mean, I'm sometimes stuck somewhere between supporting him and enabling him to be the same selfish a$shole he used to be, only thinking of himself and seemingly not of his family or his commitments.

As his W, I'm supposed to support him, especially since he's the breadwinner - the LONE financial supporter - of our family. Men very often find their value (or not) in the workplace. At the same time, I lost myself BIG TIME (and sold myself out) in our "previous M" ... but I used to nag instead of setting personal boundaries. In other words, I used to try to *control* HIM instead of protecting ME.

I still have A LONG way to go. I still second-guess everything I say and do.

But Starsky mentioned a long time ago something like this: I'm the cake. He's the frosting. (And vice versa.) At the end of all this, I want to be a good W. But I want to be a good ME. And I want to stay true to me even if HE *can't*.

It's a tightrope. A tiny, delicate one. I'm supposed to support him, especially in his work. But if his work starts to screw with my security and the security of my children: What THEN? This isn't our first song-and-dance with his unhappiness at work. I'm doing what I can on MY end to keep him happy. But I swear that man will NEVER find happiness at work. It's a CONSTANT source of contention between us. Always has been.

So, yeah, I don't know from one day to the next if I'm navigating all this "correctly" - or even if there *IS* a "correctly" - especially because the kids and I ARE completely relying on him, financially.

Buttttt ... I'm the cake. I AM THE *CAKE*.

I love the he!l out of him ... and I think I've proven that ... but I can't be a prisoner to economic security, either. It's just hard to look at S8 and imagine that one day I may not be able to homeschool him, which is my passion right now ... and something he LOVES.

Sigh. One day at a time, Train. One day at a time ...

My apologies for my rants tonight. Had some "extra" time. Lol!

Love y'all people!

Train, no rants at all. All I just read was some good solid class and wisdom. Thanks for sharing.

Always a pleasure.

Win-win, I suppose: I get to "vent." You get to "glean."

Hang in there!

HIYA TRAIN!!! Missed you like a caboose misses a locomotive!

Starsky

I've missed you, too, you clever guy, you!

Originally Posted By: Train

Am I still expecting him to leave again? Absolutely. But am I holding that over his head or allowing it to impact my behavior? Absolutely not.

I know this is going to take time, sweet time. And lots of hard work. Some days? I want to throw in the towel: why delay the inevitable? That's what I ask myself.

This is exactly what I'm feeling. It's kind of scary, taking this risk but I am so happy to have the chance. And the story about your H looking for a rental... I had my heart in my throat. I was so glad at how it turned out!

I know from my own personal experience with having pieced and lost a couple of times it is the fear itself that helped create some of the circumstances leading to the next walk out. I don't thing us LBSs can stop the fear but we must find ways to not let it be the focus and we must never let that fear define our actions, determine moods, or make decisions.

I say this not because I have come anywhere near being able to practice it in my own life, but because of the damage it has done.

Nitty and Train I am so happy for both you guys.

It's Thanksgiving. And I LOVE Thanksgiving.

And as long as the good Lord's willing and the creek don't rise, I'll be sitting around a table with my mom, my brother and his family, my sister and her children and my husband and all our babies - including my "baby" who is growing a baby in her womb - later today.

And I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to this site - and especially to my dear Starsky and HS and Wonka - for me being able to feel so abundantly blessed on this Thanksgiving.

Thank you all for being such an important, supportive, empowering part of my year. And for helping me guide my family back together so we can spend another Thanksgiving together.

I hope you all are blessed 10-fold for it ... and I hope you are surrounded by love, light, warmth and blessings today.

I'll never, ever forget to be thankful for y'all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Train -

I also feel so blessed to have you here as well. I hope you and your family had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

So now it's my turn ...

Calling Starsky (again)!

I know you're going through an awful lot, buddy, but I'm worried about you over here.

You okay??

Aw, nice to see everyone here cares for each other. I was always sceptic about stupid boards/forums but this one is providing my sanity and good support.
Thanks from my side.
I know already I will check in here for a very long time still to give something back and make a difference in my and others people lives!

Originally Posted By: Train

So now it's my turn ...

Calling Starsky (again)!

I know you're going through an awful lot, buddy, but I'm worried about you over here.

You okay??

Oh my dear Train, you are so sweet to ask about me. I'm okay. I'm up in New Jersey, with my entire extended family to say goodbye to and to bury my father-in-law on Thursday. Yesterday was a straight-thru 17 1/2 hour drive up and a 1:00am arrival. Today was spent picking out their burial plot, a headstone, and meeting with the funeral director to go over all of the arrangements for tomorrow and Friday.

My poor 93 year old mother-in-law is just lost. "He took my best friend!" she wailed last Wednesday when God finally took him home peacefully after 32 days in the hospital.

The family is leaning on each other, as it should be. I am grateful to be here to support the fetching Mrs. Starsky. She posted the sweetest thing to me about an hour ago on FB: "A real woman can do it all by herself; a real man won't let her," with a little shout out to me. :o)

In our pain, I am still s blessed man.

Starsky

My heart feels about 50 lbs. after reading that, Starsky.

But I am so thankful you guys are together and can grieve together and support one another and celebrate FIL's life. God bless your grieving MIL. What a tribute to your FIL for his wife - at 93 - to still call him her best friend. And what an inspiration to us all.

May God love on y'all extra much this week, brother.

And Complex, ditto!

Oh, Starsky. I am sorry to hear you family is in pain and grieving. My prayers go out to you and yours, my friend.

Starsky, out of curiosity, where are you guys in NJ? My BIL lives there; I've only visited once.

She said very true words. When I had to go through all that when my mother died, It was just my sister and and I to take care of things. We didn't haven't anyone to come lend support. Yet, when my H's brother died a couple of yrs ago he and the other brothers gathered around their SIL to give her support. I was a little hurt at none of or H's or son's thought it was necessary to be there with during all of putting it together, I was walking out out of the home to keep thr app't with the funeral home director, when my H (who was still in his sleepwear) asked if he needed to go with me. I knew he had no been feeling well, so I told he him he didn't have to (and was obvious we didn't feel up to going. But actually it stung a little that he was not by my side in that difficult time.

So, proud of you Starsky, Mrs. Starsky is blessed to have you there with with her.

^^^ She's right, ya know ...

Starsky, my thoughts and prayers to you and your family today. I pray for your MIL to have peace and it's wonderful she has family to support her.

Train- I FOUND YOU!

and....

I am.

checking.

you.

out.

OK, so this:

Quote:

I used to try to *control* HIM instead of protecting ME.

In your earlier post. Ahem. Yeah. That's good stuff. That's, what I believe, I had been doing the past couple. I can see much more clearly with the step back. I dig that. Gonna put it on my thread as a reminder.

Thanks, chica.

MIGHTY!!!!!! You arrived!

Hey, sista! So glad to hear from you.

Those "steps back" (which are actually steps FORWARD) are so powerful. And (eventually) relieving. I'm SO glad you're on top of when you need to do that for your own peace of mind.

You, my friend, are lightyears ahead of where I've ever been I'm still stalking - uh, I mean, checking on - you!

xoxo

How is your daughter doing?

She's doing well, twin! Thanks for asking.

She's almost 25 weeks along now and working a full-time job. She has recently had some second-thoughts about her planned career-path, but I'm hoping she will decide to enroll in classes at the community college at least by next fall.

She's feeling pretty vulnerable, which is taking her by storm because she's usually much more happy and independent. The father of her child is continuing to text her and pull her around by her nose without (still) actually showing his face around here; we still haven't met him. And she's *allowing* him to do this, which is a major sticking-point between the two of us right now. I'm having to use some of my DB tools in my relationship with D18; a 180 is to back off and realize this is her life, her path and her journey. If she wants to delay the inevitable and continue to allow him to do this to her, then it's her business. I wish she'd block his number; he knows where she lives and could find her if interested. But he's planning to leave next fall to attend college two hours away. Ain't no baby gonna change HIS life plans ... but he still won't commit to relinquishing his paternal rights. I guess we'll see what side of the fence he falls on once he receives his first round of paperwork for child support this spring. It'll be kinda hard to pay child support without a job. His parents pay his college tuition, his car payment and his cell phone bill. So, yeah. Winner winner chicken dinner.

Considering the circumstances - and with the exception of my D18 having a wet-noodle spine right now - I'm awfully proud of her. She's growing and changing and handling this really big change with grace and dignity. She's handling it A LOT better than I did when I was pregnant with HER at 18.