Failing Relationship OM in the Picture

Hello All..I was on this site a while back trying to save a marriage. It didn't work and now I'm trying to save a 4 year relationship. We're in the "mess" we're in because of my irrational decision to move out of the house in a heated argument one night. I've owned the responsibility but it's the second time I've done it and she's hurt/scared.

I've been working on me. I've done a 180 on my interaction with her children, helping around the house, etc. However, since we're officially "not together" she's been seeing this guy. They've slept together a few times and she's readily admitted it. She says she still loves me, says she still see's a future for us, etc. I've told her that there's no "US" in the future with this guy in the picture.

We are meeting with a counselor tomorrow night. I'm thinking about drawing the line in the sand....if you want to work on us, end it with him. If you won't end it with him, then don't contact me.

I'm prepared to walk away....it's going to hurt like hell because I do love her and I do want a future with her. I'm willing to work through the pain, the hurt, etc and move forward with her......or without her.

Thoughts?

What did you take away from your last M that had a third party? I mean, are you repeating any old behavior patterns?

What are the 180's you are implementing ........besides helping around the house? And, if the two of you are not M and not living together and she's sleeping with OM.........why are you helping around her house? I hope you aren't expecting it to be a turn on for her......or that you are earning brownie points.

You mentioned a 180 in your interaction with her children. How many and what ages? Why the change now? Do you have a child together?

I would be careful about ultimatums. You seem to have a problem sticking to your decisions.

How many long term R's has she had?

What I took away from my last M with a third party in it was that it take two to make it work. What's different here is that she says she wants us to survive this..she wants us to come out stronger. (I know...believe 50% etc).

The 180's are particularly not reacting to stress and conflict by leaving the house. (A new pattern I picked up...before in the last M it was shouting and stomping around like an idiot). So, I've stopped leaving. I've implemented some personal "emotional time out" techniques and it has paid off.

The 180 with the kids is a long and complicated story that was driven by the ex-W from the previous marriage. In short, her two kids S9, S11 and my S9 aren't allowed to be around each other. Kids have been in counseling on both sides and we're going back into court to have this restriction lifted. It's a personal issue but it's related to kids (at the time 6 and 8) engaging in normal childhood curiosity. Unfortunately, the Ex-W went ballistic and her atty had an order entered and my atty wasn't willing to fight it. Told me to accept it and fix it later. So, I've had issues being able to open my heart to her kids based upon this issue. Now that I've finally put the legal matters in motion I've been able to be a better male-figure in their lives. I love them and they love me...genuinely.

I'm curious about the careful about ultimatums comment? From what I've read, that's the generally accepted approach to an A. End it so we can work on us...keep it up and there's no "us" to work on.

Where do you see that I have problems sticking to my decisions? Not disagreeing but in this thread I don't see where that was indicated.

She has had 1 M and a couple of LTR's...year or two. This is the longest she's had since her D...we're at 3 1/2.

Thoughts?

Quote:

Where do you see that I have problems sticking to my decisions? Not disagreeing but in this thread I don't see where that was indicated.

Sorry if I misunderstood, but this was the basis for that thought:

Quote:

We're in the "mess" we're in because of my irrational decision to move out of the house in a heated argument one night. I've owned the responsibility but it's the second time I've done it and she's hurt/scared.

Quote:

I'm curious about the careful about ultimatums comment? From what I've read, that's the generally accepted approach to an A. End it so we can work on us...keep it up and there's no "us" to work on.

Ultimatums are usually more of a demand of a person to do what you want or suffer the consequences. The person receiving the ultimatum usually sees it as a control technique. I think you are on the right track, but may need some guidance how to approach things with her. Once you give the ultimatum, you have to follow through with enforcing the consequences. If you have a temper problem and say things in the heat of the moment, you may regret it later. And if there is no consequence, well.......

Don't get me wrong, I believe she needs to decide.

Both of you have been in several LTR and now have this really big problem facing you. I have a feeling it's not the only problem that's in this R. Have the two of you considered family therapy?

My recommendation is to leave her alone and let her pursue you if she gives up OM. If she doesn't, then you need to move on.

Has she given an explanation of why she was having sex with OM? Have you had sex with her since she's been with him?

She says he makes her feel pretty, wanted, sexy...etc. She says I do that too but that with me moving out of the house it's nice to have it validated. She thinks I'm doing it to "win" her back.

yes, I have had sex with her since she has been with him.

I know I need to leave her alone...I've done it and usually within 24 to 48 hours, she's texting me, wanting to see me, etc.

We have a couple's therapy session tonight. I'm hoping the counselor will lay down the ultimatum on the OM. That takes me off the hook.

Originally Posted By: wontquit

yes, I have had sex with her since she has been with him.

That's your choice of course, but I certainly hope you used protection?

Starsky

I am terrified of tonight's session. Trying to stay open to all possibilities but I'm a planner by nature...I'm trying to craft my response to every possible outcome.

I know I can be alone...I've done it before.

But, she says she wants a future. She says she wants "us"...again, I know believe 50% of what they say, etc.

But, there is no "us" with this OM in the picture. It's really that simple.

I know I'm rambling but venting here is better than calling her, annoying my friends, putting my personal life all over Facebook, etc.

So..again, I'm terrified of what is going to happen in tonight's session. I know I can't control it and I want to take every precaution against coming across like a controller. But, I also don't want to set a precedent that she can do what she's doing without consequences. But...I'm afraid that she'll elect the consequences over the hard work of putting us back together.

Then again, if that's her choice I can't change it and I'll have to live with it and GAL. But, my heart is not in dating. It just isn't. I've done it and I don't have any heart for it. So, I'll have to be alone for a while and get my own act together. It'll hurt. It'll hurt a lot. I can survive it but it will be terrible.....

Tonight, I'm going to be careful of how I phrase my thoughts and feelings and hope that the counselor will be the one to tell her that the OM has to go if she wants to fix us. If the counselor can be the "bad guy" then it's not on me..it's not me trying to control things...it's advice from a professional.

But...what if the counselor doesn't do that? Then what...do I bring it up? Do I put it in the form of a question.."Would you be willing to end the relationship with OM if it meant the end of us?" I think that's a safe question and her response will be telling....

so you left...she got a new boyfriend...you want her back...she says she loves you but this guy makes her feel "special"...she is sleeping with both of you?

In the short version...yes.

I left but regretted it first thing the next day....been working to get back in for 2 1/2 months.

Had a GREAT session with the counselor....not a miracle meeting by any stretch of the imagination. But, still both of us left with some positive feelings.

So, we have a date night planned tonight. I WILL NOT talk about the OM.....I WILL NOT talk about the R....I WILL NOT talk about the work I'm doing on me.....

I WILL...be myself

I WILL be easy and fun

I WILL make her the center of my evening

I WILL be the man she loved before

Actually...I will be the man she still loves...she has NOT dropped the dreaded "I love you but not in that way" comment. I really think we are both willing and eager to make this work but she's got her own set of issues that she needs to deal with before she can trust me with her heart again...and I've got my own set of issues that I need to address in order to accept the fact that I am worthy of being loved.
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