So it was suggested to me that it might be a good idea to bust my wife's EA and see what happens. I know she has wanted to keep him a secret from pretty much everybody and has asked me not to speak of our problems with our mutual friends. Of course this is usually followed up by her saying she hasn't talked to anyone about us...I figured this was a good place to post this question...I was specifically told to look for posts from Gucci and puppydogtails but I want to hear from everyone who has knowledge in this area and how to handle an EA. Thanks so much...
Also how badly could this backfire...I want to do the best thing...
Also if I do this she is going to try to run to her parents...do I let them know why when they ask? I know her dad wants her to work this out...
well the worst thing that can happen is that she leaves you and your marriage is over.
she could go over the deep end and do some crazy things.
Go out and make it a PA out of spite.
they are the worst things.
so how does she conduct this EA? What are you doing right now that says.
Wife I agree with this EA, please let me enable this EA.
She would most likely leave...I do not think her parents would take her though...She has no money to get over three states as well...at the same time I seem to be making progress not even talking about it...I know she is wondering what the hell is going on...I also think she is not looking for a job so her parents will take her back...Do not quite know what to think...I am thinking of getting a keylogger...I found a good one where I can not only get screenshots and chats but that also blocks websites and is invisible...Any more advice on how to do this...should I do this...and what else could happen? She has already expressed that there is nothing wrong with her relationship with this guy but then she also does not want her dad or our friends knowing about it...
ok so it is an online affair.
Turn off the internet. Tell her you will not enable her EA.
You are allowed to state what makes you uncomfortable.
Or you get keyblaster or a program like that and install it and monitor her...
I used real spy monitor.....
Then when you have the intel.
Cut the internet off.
State the reason why. Do not give away your intel. Just state you know.
State your boundaries about an OM. OPEN MARRIAGE or OTHER MAN.
Then she has a choice.
It will be anger or remorse.
Then it will either push her towards leaving or not.
If its anger and leaving.
Then you expose. Very close friend who is a friend of the marriage to lean on her.
Then her parents and your parents.
IF the OM has a wife or GF let them know as well.
Read up on the carrot and the stick of Plan A.
What is the carrot and the stick on Plan A and where do I find it?
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
Hopingforhope,
IMHO what Cutterbug says is pretty much what I think Puppy would say. Gather your intel and then let her know WHAT you know (not HOW you know) and set your boundaries.
She will do whatever she is going to do either way and you can't control that, but you can stand up for yourself and your M and let her know what you are/aren't willing to accept. Then stick to it.
If you have a game plan in place before you expose to her and others, you will have a better idea of how to manuver(sp?) throughout the process.
Wish I would have listened to Pup...
Okay...I will be home this weekend...HAve an idea what to do to get my INTEL...Keep the advice coming please...
Okay, hopingforhope, I will try to be here for you, too. I was the one having the affair in my marriage so I can be here for her as the "other side".
I agree with what most have said. Get the intel, tell her that you know x, y, and z, and that you won't live in that kind of a marriage. Talk to her with love, but be firm on your limits. Understand that whatever kind of affair she is having, it seems real to her but it most likely is not. Her feelings are real, but reality is different. If she decides to continue the affair (I'm afraid she probably will because of the strong pull of it) then you start exposing. Start with a trusted member of your church, for example. Then, maybe a close friend. Then, maybe a couple of family members. The less people involved the better, but it will all depend on what she does.
This is not easy. Exposing haphazardly is easy, but not smart....the real work will come after she stops the affair. The "carrot" that was talked about is very important. She needs to see that her life with you can be great if she gives it the effort and attention needed.
Thanks WDID...Let me give you some more background so you may be able to have a little more input...She has been "friends" with this guy for a while online and he came in after she started confiding in him. Of course she says he says all the right things and she never has to say anything he just knows... Also she does not believe in God though her parents do...I do as well but being Native American I believe a little differently so unfortunately church pressure is out. She says that she is attracted to him but does not love him the way she loves me but behind my back it is different. Her mom knows she is talking to someone but she also told her mom it is going nowhere because her mom became angry. Her Dad does not know. Though if he did I have a feeling he would support me because he was so adamant about my wife working this out that he paid our rent and said for her to come back here. That is when she said she would give it six months to see if I changed but no to hold my breath..I know the conversations and web chats have gotten sexual in nature as well though I can't really prove it...this is mainly form the little intel I have gathered...I will have a key logger this weekend. As far as mutual friends she has stated she is ready to let them all go because she has nothing in common with them and that they do not care about her which is the furthest thing from the truth but they also would not get involved. I know she is FOGGED right now. Here is the thing. How do you get through to her that she is having an affair when she is insistent that she is not because she does not consider us married...how do you stand against that? Also how long do I gather intel...I know i will have what I need within three days of having the key logger. I work 6 on and 6 off and have to stay overnight at my job because of the nature of my work. So I really only have around two weeks to create that atmosphere...Is this possible?
Sure is possible. If you do not think it is. Then give up right now. Let your marriage fail.
I know how she feels with this guy online. In my marriage, the things I needed were so lacking that when a guy came along that said those things I needed so badly to hear, I was hooked. It feels like a soulmate. She's probably thinking this.
Ok, who does she respect at this point? Who might snap her into the reality of the situation? I remember being so "out of it", so out of reality. I was sucked into this fantasy world that was so addictive. Telling her parents could do it. But, be prepared with proof because she will twist you into something that you are not. She will rewrite history and make everything bad in your marriage into something even worse. She WILL be angry. But, if you talk to her, and she won't stop....if you want to fight for your marriage, you will have to do this to try to save it.
This six month period she is giving is meaningless if she is still in contact with the affair partner. Just like if you went to counseling while she is still in contact...it wouldn't do anything. SO, once you get proof, you give her a choice. You can't make her stay, but you say that you can't live in a marriage like this, that you believe your marriage is worth fighting for, and that you will need to cut off the internet to feel safe in your own home, etc. You get the idea.
Letting her friends go....I did that as well....nothing matters anymore except the words that this man says to her. It's like a drug, it really is.
I didn't consider myself married either so that it would give me the "ok" to do what I was doing. When we physically separated it only became worse. Try to save your marriage with her in the home with you.
Gather enough intel that you can prove that the affair is emotional, sexual, and predatorlike in nature if possible. The quicker the better since you said you only have 2 weeks.
Yes, it is possible to create an atmosphere of love/forgiveness/dedication/effort to change in two weeks. Just love her. She will look for every reason to hate you....one thing I remember that would really "get me" was the victim/puppy dog look....don't do that. Be confident, kind, loving, and committed, but not a push over. When you have that conversation about limits she will know you are not a pushover, she will also know you love her if you do it right.
No I am not giving up. I choose to believe that I can do this. After all after only a few days before the separation she had started to come around some. So I will gather intel and I will create the atmosphere in my home. I will also try to save it with her in the home with me...though she is talking about trying to go to her parents. I will do what I can with what I have and move from there.
So what snapped you back to reality? Also you say she will realize that I love her if I do it right...Can you give me some examples of what to do or what not to do...She is already upset that I am going to be staying home but this is also the only way I can get the intel plus I am not going to live with someone else, puit them out, and pay her bills...she bounces between saying she wants to roommate it and leaving to her parents...Thank you so much cb for your tough response and wdid for your input and perspective from her side...I look forward to hearing from you.
Well first off. Stay in your bed.
Second do not leave your home.
3rd. No R talk.
4th. Be upbeat.
5th. Talk like a boarder guard. Let her fill the voids. Your gathering intel right
6. Start to snoop everything you can.
What snapped me back into reality.
Hearing ladybug talk to doucebag on the phone and say his name with passion in her voice.
Enough cake walking. Out you go. ( But I did gather as much intel as possible )
Anything you find. Photocopy, burn to disk , photograph. Make duplicates and store then at different locations.
Remember you are in a war.
Thanks CB...I will definitely keep all these things in mind...I know she is upset about me coming home because it interrupts her cycle of freedom with this guy. She has already told me she wants to have a talk when I get back because we are supposed to be separated but she does not want to do it over the phone because she does not feel it is good for communication about these things. To be honest with you though. I am not going to live with someone else and pay bills for two places...I deserve better than that and I am not going to be a victim to that extent. I am doing things different when she speaks...I am listening, validating, and repeating to make sure I know where she is coming from...Also I am being encouraging and supportive of her learning how to overcome her driving anxiety. She told me today she does not know what happened to the old me but she does not want him back but that she does not know what to do with the me now...I guess that is a good sign...would most likely be a really good one without OM in the picture...yeah she is going to FLIP and run...I plan on having a talk with her dad though when this happens so he knows everything...I will make sure I have proof first...Thing is she says the only person she really respects is the OM. She has surrounded herself with people who tell her what she wants to hear.
One thing you need to think about is conversations about OM when she is with OM.
I feel it is highly disrespectful. I set the boundary that she was to not communicate with him when in the house.
So she would go for walks and talk to him. Which ment I could snoop for 20 minutes. And snoop you better be doing. For you are uncovering secerts.
I have already been snooping to the extent that I can. Made copies to my e-mail of his page where he is making sexual headlines to her and where she commented " I miss you my love". I am going to use the 7 day free trial of webwatcher this week when I get home because it not only logs key strokes but takes screenshots every few seconds and records myspace, facebook, and other chats. Also you can block web pages. I will definitely be snooping. You never know maybe this can work to my advantage in more than one way...In DR doesn't Michele say to find out what OP is doing and do it better? DO you think doing that before I bust the affair would help?
Well I am thinking you have the proof already. But this will allow you to see plans. Do you a copy of the phone bill as well ???
Best to have a very strong stomach for all this. As this is going to be a very difficult week.
For me, what snapped me back to reality was time and what my h was doing. I knew, deep down, that what I was doing wasn't right.....It took me time to realize it. My h was a quiet DBer (never got the books, just did this on his own). He stopped arguing with me, stopped making me mad at him, did a 360 in his actions, all of those things I had wanted him to do for years he finally started doing, and the kicker that did it for me was he went to a counselor on his own "to help himself be a better man" and to save our marriage. I no longer had the excuse that he wasn't trying. For me, I couldn't leave the marriage if my husband was trying, but it was easy for me to say, "He gave up on me, and there is nothing I can do." Another thing that did it for me was the fact that I had a child. I kept thinking how even if I found the perfect man for me, I would have to have my child part time and that I just could not bear. It seemed idiotic to me to not try when my h was trying and I had everything to lose.
She definitely will be upset that you are home......she can't continue her affair as easily as she'd like. Absolutely DO NOT live with someone else. Make this HER choice, not yours. Making it her choice helps her see this realistically.
When (if) you confront her, do it with LOVE. Do not yell at her (she will egg you on), do not participate in an argument (have a statement ready, "I love you too much to argue with you. I'm trying to save our marriage.", walk away if you need to, give her time to think, do not look at her like you believe the nonsense but instead look at her like you know what she has been doing and do not like it but you are willing to work through it if she is, and during all of this, do your 360. Be the best man you can be. Look good, smell good, go out with friends,look happy (this is HER choice), show her that she is crazy to lose you.
whatdidido, could you please advise Hoping how to respond if his W says "I don't know what I want?" Also, how long might it take for him to put the changes in place before his W notices? More than a few months, right?
BTW you mean 180 not 360...360 is turning round a full circle and ending at the same point where you started
Good luck, Hoping!!
Haha! Yes, 180.....Too funny...when I think of 360 I think how the person has to move farther and that somehow seemed better...But, I definitely didn't mean for him to come right where he started (unless, however, he made changes along the way to start over). I'm still laughing.
Hoping's wife says, "I dont know what I want."
Hoping says, "I want you. I want our marriage. I will fight for it because it is worth fighting for. I'll wait for you, I'll work with you, but I won't enable your affair."
I noticed my H's changes immediately, but believing them took a long time....even now, takes me a long time to believe him with certain things. It's like I made myself build a wall, to protect my feelings and to make it "ok" that I was having an affair, and it takes a while to let me break it down to let him "in".
No matter what she does, until you are divorced, it is not over (and I've even heard couples getting back together after a divorce). Eventually her fantasy will become reality. If she doesn't realize it early, she will find out on her own. I have no doubt. This is not an easy process.
Cutterbug you are right I know this will be a hard week. I have already started to tell myself this and I have found that it doesn't matter. I am willing to do what I have to and to go to any lengths to save my marriage. As hard as this is going to be I also know that NOTHING was as hard as having to take an honest look at myself and see the fearful insecure man I had become. And then came the point of realizing I do not like me and starting to change that.
WhatdidIdo I have already started doing these things you have mentioned. She hears a difference in me and sees a difference in the way I communicate and interact with her. SHe has already brought this up on her own. She also said she resents me some for it because she wishes I would have been this person before she went to someone else. She said she does not know what happened to the man I was but to leave him gone and she does not know what to do with who she sees now.
I think the six on six off schedule can work to my benefit because If I can create a better atmosphere not having been there then I can definitely do it during the time I am there possibly making the impact of me not being there even stronger.
When (if) I do confront her I will be loving. Believe it or not I have come to a place that I am not angry with her anymore. I really am understanding she is hurt, upset, confused, and trying to get her needs met. I have come to a place that I have been able to forgive not only her ( because she is not thinking clearly) but myself. She has stated numerous times as well recently without me asking her that when she tells him she loves him it is not the same as telling me. She said she will always love me more than anything in the world. I will not let her bait me into an argument. She has tried that a couple of times the last few days and I have been good at validating and defusing.
Newmama is right . How do you respond to that? The other things she has said is I'm not attracted to you anymore. I am attracted to him( He has the classic fantasy novel body apparently though I have found that since I have started working out I am getting FAST results but this is more for my own self-esteem). I think we moved too fast getting married. And As much as I love you I have to love myself first. I don't know if passion can come back and I want passion.
Sorry I know I have been writing a lot I just want to get as much help and feedback because I go home tomorrow.
She sounds exactly like I did. The fact she does not know what to do now is a good thing. She hasn't totally closed you off.
I think I missed something..what is the 6 on 6 off? You don't want to enable the affair by not being home if that is what you mean by 6 off.
You sound like my h in your forgiveness. It sounds like the validating is good. One thing to mention is that when I was in the midst of the affair, I wanted my h to admit we were not meant to be, that there was no passion, to agree that we shouldn't have gotten married....don't do that. Validate her feelings, but don't agree.
I told my h that I was not attracted to him anymore (even though he was wayyyyy more attracted than the OM). I told my h that I thought we married just because it was the right time in our life, nothing more. I told him that we BOTH (trying to suck him in) deserved happiness and love and that together made me like myself less. I told him that I diddn't have passion and now I don't ever see it coming back.
Don't apologize. We are here to help. We have all been here in some way or another. I'm going to throw something else out there.....Retrouvaille. Google it. It could be just the thing you need to get through to each other and start again. At least something to keep in your pocket. I remember feeling utter hopelessness...and so did my h...Retrouvaille helped us feel like there was hope.
Yeah she has said those EXACT same things to me! Unfortunately I am a residential counselor so when I am at work I have to stay overnight. Hence the 6 on 6 off. I may be able to find other ways to possibly block the web site? If you can think of any other ideas let me know. Part of the problem is I got depressed not having a job for 7 months and we were so unsure of how we were going to end up. At least this guy still lives with his mom though he is promising her to find a job at the beach and move there because she wants to live by the beach again.But also this job gives me the kind of schedule to do that for her if we work out and she knows that.
So you say to validate her feelings but do not agree. Can you give me an example of how to do this with words because in the past when I have not agreed with her on this point whether I tried to show her otherwise or not she would get angry with me for not agreeing and try to start an argument ( usually so she could say see you haven't changed a bit it is definitely over now. She will do that sometimes. Try to argue so she can say it is over like she wasn't so sure or like she wanted me to know I blew my last chance. Unfortunately this guy has the body she has always said she wanted me to get( I do have the structure for it. I am working out now as stated previously before but this has now become something I do for me. I am getting REALLY fast and definitely results and my self-esteem has done a complete 180. I really don't recognize myself but I also do not know if I should keep the changes under wraps for a little bit until they are a little farther along or if I should go ahead and subtley let her see the changes. From having been there what do you think? I know there is a SLIGHT chance she will ask me to go running with her which is something she had really wanted me to do. That is ostly where we have been connecting. SHe has been coming to me with her insecurities and frustrations about not getting the results she wants as fast as she wants and I have been using the opportunity to be her biggest cheerleader.
I will definitely check out Retrouvaille immediately. I will use anything that can help.
Just checked out Retrouvaille. WhatdidIdo I have to be honest I would go and give it a try because even though I follow Native American spirituality I see the depth and wisdom from many Christian teachings. My wife however is absolutely hostile to Christians or anything Christian based. She has already emphatically stated that if we do go to any kind of counseling ( which she flip flops on whether she is willing to do) it had better not have a Christian bent. Any ideas on this also?
Well, you could cut off the internet (that is, after you get proof of her using it to continue an affair). Remember, you say, "I love you, and I want to work on the marriage, and I will wait as we work through it, but I will NOT enable your affair."
Don't blame yourself. This is a two-way street. YOur depression with your lack of a job was something you had to work on, but SHE made the choice to start an affair. The OM will offer her the world now....and it will sound wonderful to her now.....fantasy. You can't compete with this right now because it is not real. Just focus on you and doing what you need to do. THere is nothing wrong with talking about dreams with her, but don't compete with the OM.
Validation is tricky when she is in the state she is in. Everything that is a disagreement to her is going to make her mad. Just don't agree with her when she says you never loved one another, that you think that it is over, etc. She wants permission to leave/have the affair. Don't give it to her. It will make her mad, but you stay strong/loving/firm/calm. Don't argue. For example she says, "You know we married too early, and we were never really in love." You say, "We married because we were in love, and I still love you." Repeat it over and over if you have to...even if she gets mad. If she tries to argue and it gets loud, etc., you say, "I do love you, and I always have. I won't give up on you or our marriage." and walk away.
Just a little note to you, and what I've learned. I believe when we get married those many years ago, it's easy to think that we didn't know enough about love to know if we loved who we married. But, I believe we married because we were in love. I believe that love changes as you are together, of course...because you grow and mature and you think differently than you did when you were in your 20s, but if you are constantly trying to find the person that is perfect for you at each moment of your life you would be changing spouses like you change clothes. Marriage is a commitment. Love is a choice. I don't want to be 40 and wonder if my spouse will leave me because he thinks like a 40 year old now, or at 50 think my spouse is now 50 so he is different than he was at 20 when he married me so I must not want to be with him.
Anyway....about Retrouvaille. It is not religion focused. It is more communication focused. It would be worth it to call someone and talk to them about it and ask your questions. They would more than likely be ok with explaining what the weekend is all about and to allow your wife to ask questions, too. It's free, and you stay in a hotel, and you get the food free as well (they do ask for a donation however...all anonymous).
I will definitely check it out. I called the community closest and am awaiting a call back.I will have to see when the soonest one is.
Thanks for the advice on how to handle those comments.
WhatdidIdo I completely agree with your views on marriage. She has said the only reason she married me was because she felt guilty about us living together at the time...But that is also something she only recently said so I will take your approach on it. I read over the four stages of marriage and it looks like good stuff. The only thing is if she is willing to go and actually go with an open mind. Is it geared for couples where only one spouse is sure they want it to work out? Also even though they were talking and "friends" ( even after he professed his love to her against what I asked) she says that it is not an affair because she did not allow her feelings to go to him until after she said she wanted a divorce. Any ideas on that because when I cut off the internet I have a feeling it is going to get pretty ugly. Her communication will most likely shut down at that point and it has just opened up. Should I speak with her dad before I do this so he knows why and around when she will try to go back to her parents. Most likely he would not let her.
Also since she had said she would not be pursuing a R with OM because she needs time to work on herself would this be a good reason as well to use shutting off the internet?
Do not talk about the future nor the past. Only the present. For they control both.
Go back and read the carrot and stick of a good Plan A.
Monitor.
Believe nothing of what she says and half of what she does.
Monitor.
You want proof its over. Proof comes from actions and verification.
She is not there.
Take this time to verify what she is doing.
Take this time to start GAL and 180's and let her figure them out.
Do not do anything from this day forward for her. It is all for you.
A strong you is the best thing your marriage can have if it is saved.
I think you are starting to grasp these concepts.
I hope you do.
I am starting to grasp them. I am constantly at war with my emotions. Only thing I think helps me keep them in check is having been in scary situations in combat. Learned how to suck myself up and do what I have to do ya know?
I am finding my strength again...Do not know how I lost it but I will not let anything or ANYONE take it away again. All of this is for me. I am getting some things now. You know she may not like my boundaries this week but they will be respected in my home. I am not going to be a doormat anymore. I will enact the carrot and the stick of plan A. I do love her but I also have to love myself first.
well my friend. You are further ahead than most of us. Please take some time to check out marriagebuilders and their section for members of the service.
Take Care.
And I am going to recommend you start another thread in the newcomers section. Just to help with your upcoming 2 weeks....
You can keep this one to post updates... But use the other one to work yourself during those days.
Hopingforhope32,
Well, I believe today is the day you go home. I'm sure you are nervous and full of emotion. One thing I notice about the forums here is you get a lot of differing opinions on what and how to do things. Obviously, they are based upon each and every person's situations. Please make sure to think through YOUR situation and listen to everyone's opinion, but do what you believe, deep down in your heart is the right thing to do. Only YOU will have to live with your decisions. Not us.
Many times the approach is to get a "screw them" attitude toward the spouse and to draw the line and only work on yourself. Working on yourself is sooo important, but I think losing sight of your emotions toward your spouse is wrong. To stop thinking about what they are thinking and feeling is wrong. Trying to understand where they are coming from, however altered, is important for recovery. Most of the people on the site, whose marriages have been restored, did this.
Ok, let me try to answer some questions you asked me and statements you made. The things she says now about your marriage are not necessarily the truth- this is what people refer to as rewriting history. I did this. I took everything in my marriage and blew it up 100x negatively. It helps make the affair ok in our minds...I wasn't consciously doing this, I just did.
Retrouvaille. Most of the time, when couples go, one is more open minded to working it out than the other.
How she feels about the fact that it wasn't an "affair" because she didn't let her feelings go until after is typical thinking of someone having an affair and trying to make it "ok". Relationships don't just happen...they build....She laid the foundation as she was becoming "friends". The book, "Not just Friends" explains this.
It will get ugly when/if you cut the internet. Make sure you have proof, and give her the option to keep the internet but give you all of the passwords and access to what she is doing. You can explain that you will need this to build the trust back up. You will explain that you do not want to be the man that enabled his wife's affair. Explain again that you are fighting for your marriage and the wife you love. Keep her family out of it if you can. Do this first, see what happens, and go from there. If you have proof, there is no rush to get to her father first. You also may find that family tends to stick together no matter what. Her father may end up not being an ally. Yes, you can talk to her about the fact that she said she needs time to work on herself and that not sitting on the computer all of the time should help that.
Good luck today. I'm praying for you and your wife.
WDID
Well I got home yesterday and we had a long talk...OM called yesterday morning teling me not to go home she loves nim and various other things that related to their personal conversations. He then called back 20 min later saying if I mention any of this he will hunt me down and leave peices of me in the backwoods. I called the police and filed for a warrant. I then confronted my wife about it, showed her the phone records, and explained what was said. Upon further investigation it turns out the calls were made from a prepaid phone with only the last digit of the phne number being different fron OM's. Also the 2nd call came when she was on phone with OM. DO not know how he did this but she is saying she is not sure who to believe. ANy ideas on how this was done? He is denying everything.
She is still adamant in telling me it is over even though I am not bringing up R talks. I have just been lovingly telling her I see things differently. SHe is planning on moving back to her parents around the middle of Feb. The only saving grace in this is my job is 30 from her parents so I will have to relocate out of state as well when she goes because I will not be able to keep the house up here alone. She is asking me to stay in contact with her still. I now have proof of EA but apparantly EA is a little frustrated too because she keeps bouncing back and forth from she loves him to she has to get her head on straight before she is with anyone.
Any advice?
Can you prove the she was talking to OM when the call came through? Or was this just her word? I am thinking that if you have 2 phones, you can dial on one phone and the other person answers and will have to end the call with you to answer the other call.
Also, I am sooo sorry to tell you this, but one if the #1 reasons that someone wants "space" is to keep a relationship with someone else going on.
At least the OM is threatened...and good job getting the police involved with his pathetic threat. I guess being threatened means he senses that your W still loves you.
I think the vets here will give you some good advice on how to proceed next but the classic "no contact/last resort technique" might be in order.
yeah I was thinkng this...and it is reall early in the gamebut she is SOwrapped up.
Just wanted to stop in and let everyone know that things have turned around...About a week ago she called me on my way home from work and said that she wanted to work on saving our marraige, I asked about OM and she had already let him go...I have passswords, voicemail passwords everything and she has been true to what she said...SHe is really trying too. SHe realizes that even though I did things wrong as well that the EA did some damage and we are both really trying. WE are going to Retrouvaille here very soon. In the end what worked was changing me. I did not bust out the affair...I just concentrated on me and let him screw up. Thanks so muh everyone. I am always indebted...I will continue to be a part of this board not only for myself but as support for all of you as well. I am not so foolish to think we are out of the woods yet but now I believe we can get there.
That IS great news, H4H! Congratulations!
I would make just two suggestions for you:
1. Get some MCing, with a good counselor that has specific expertise in dealing with healing from infidelity. Also IC for one or both of you, if you can afford it. The recidivism rate for infidelity is very high when specific things aren't put in place and dealt with following an affair.
2. Maintain at least one channel of intel (the "verify" part of "trust, but verify") of which your wife is unaware. Just like a job applicant can always give you 3 references that will make them sound great, and you're wise to independently find others who have worked with them in the past, so too should a betrayed spouse make one or two discreet channels of intel part of their transparency plan.
I wish you good success! I think the Retrouvaille is a great idea.
Puppy