Exposing affair - pros & cons - DivorceBusting.com

Hi. I'm new around here and have been reading like crazy for several weeks. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's going on and with my W and will probably start a thread with my story in the near future. But in the meantime, I have been extremely curious about the subject of exposing the affair as a means to end it and reconcile (as opposed to being spiteful or getting revenge). In general terms, what are everyone's thoughts about exposing the affair to family, friends, co-workers (hers), employer (hers), especially if the OM is already divorced. Does it work? Does it hurt the chance to reconcile? Thoughts?

I'm a proponent in general terms. It may hasten the end to the A, but it may not depending on your situation as everyone's is unique (for example the mental issues involved in my case).

In my case, his Mom, even though very hurt by her son's actions, refused to say anything which might upset him in case he decided to not see her anymore. No blood isn't thicker than water since he is adopted. Really his parents aren't in a good marriage themselves and she feels he is all she has. She lost me so maybe that is now true.

kat

You've just asked one of the most debated questions. I strongly feel it can be perceived as an 'act of war'. I won't debate it further, but I did bump one of the 'debate' threads.

If you do it, you can't take it back.

Originally Posted By: sgctxok

You've just asked one of the most debated questions. I strongly feel it can be perceived as an 'act of war'. I won't debate it further, but I did bump one of the 'debate' threads.

If you do it, you can't take it back.

Some would consider the affair itself an act of war.

I absolutely knew you or Puppy would say that. And immediately.

Originally Posted By: sgctxok

I absolutely knew you or Puppy would say that. And immediately.

Lol... I thought he'd beat me to it.

Not debating, had to be said though.

Ehh, I'm slacking, gawd. I'm off my game!!

Is the affair happening at work?

I think if OM is divorced, it's a tougher call. Ordinarily, I would say that the OM/OW's spouse has a right to know, as they would otherwise be the ONE person in the equation (of the four) that DIDN'T know what was going on, and I think they have the right to know the truth and make their own decisions accordingly.

Re: her family. Do you think they would be supportive of the marriage?

What was your previous (pre-her-affair) marital style -- overly controlling, or overly accommodating/pleasing?

Puppy

Exposure doesn't guarantee the affair ends, but depending on who the affair is exposed to (like, for example, OP's spouse,), it may add some stress to the affair. Affairs typically flouish in secrecy so exposure could potentially have a negative impact. It deflates some of the fantasy. The feeling of two people secretly in their own little world.

Long term, I think a lot would depend on where the affair is, how strong the bonds are, are the people involved risk takers? What are the gains and losses? Where are needs being met? Even if the A ends, it doesn't mean that reconciliation will occur. It definitely provides opportunity, but other factors could hinder the opportunity (i.e. blame, fear, a lack of patience, etc...).

Regardless of how carefully and calmly it's done, exposure often provokes intense anger and elicits blame. More then likely it will initially be seen as hugely spiteful and revengeful. Motivations will be twisted to help validate choices.

A friend once told me something along the lines of: If you make choices deliberately and out of your own free will, and these choices make a huge impact on others' lives, you really have no right to have an opinion whether they should tell others about it.

And yeah, she told her H's family, friends, employers before kicking his sorry behind out within a week of finding out about his A.

I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.

Originally Posted By: whatdidido

I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.

I did exactly that. I thought for sure I could get supportive friends to essentially do an "intervention" since H had clearly lost his mind. Unfortunately, no one had the guts to speak to him, and I got lectured about boundaries and reading H's emails. Which, astonishingly, was considered a larger problem than him leaving his family for someone else. no support from his church community, either. And it moved H from separation to divorce--probably because I was out there, as we used to say, "wearing cellophane shorts" and completely unsupported.

so I would say from my experience, be absolutely sure (altho I was!) that the people you ask to intervene will, indeed, come through in favor of the marriage and not bail because it's uncomfortable.

which is not to say, don't expose. just be sure you have all your ducks in a row before you do so.

Originally Posted By: whatdidido

I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.

I like this approach. It's biblical.

Puppy

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Originally Posted By: whatdidido

I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.

I like this approach. It's biblical.

Puppy

yes it is. which is why I chose it. it would probably blow up in your face very rarely--my sitch is not typical.

Lots of good responses.

Puppy-

They both teach at the same high school, but in different departments. He is PE and football coach, she is science. So they would rarely have the chance to see each other at work. This really took off this summer since neither works and my wife started going out more often with friends from work. He happens to be one of the group of 5 - 10 who kind of hung out this summer. It went from there. School started back here yesterday, so by default they will not be texting/calling each other quite as much. I'm sure that one fact helps some, but that will only diminish it during work hours and his practice/games.

And yes, I agree that OM being divorced makes the decision tougher. In my mind, it would be a no-brainer to tell OM's wife if he were still married.

Regarding her family: I think on the surface they would be supportive of the marriage, but if push came to shove, I'm not sure which side of the fence they would fall on.

I would say my marital style has been more controlling.

I believe in controlled exposure, at least that is what worked for me. before I even confronted my h, I told my best friend (who happens to be an IC) and my sister. I was in SHOCK and needed to talk. I held nothing back, gathered information/proof of the affair, and even shipped it off to my sister in VA (had no idea whether him having an affair would affect a possible D if we went that route, and didn't want to give him a chance to hide anything). eventually I talked to both my mother and his mother. I'm very close to his mother and she was devastated by the affair, but at the same time I learned just how much thicker blood is than water.

I pretty much kept it there. eventually told a couple of other close friends, one who I needed help with childcare so I could make IC/MC appts.

I did NOT go to his work, or to his business community (they did work together). turns out many of them knew anyway (he didn't realize that till much later, so funny how sly people think they are).

for me, I needed some people to know because I needed support. but I also wanted to keep a safe path home to my H should he choose to take it.

eventually when the affair didn't end, after many promises that it had, I asked for a separation. he eventually moved in with her, and reality set in for both of them. nothing takes the edge off a fantasy than reality.

in a nutshell, I am happy with how I handled things and have zero regret on that front. glad I told who I told, and glad I didn't bring a ton of people into it and we were able to reconcile.

good luck with whatever you decide!

Would the A constitute a violation of any contracts? Innappropriate relations of whatever? Exposing it to employers may cost a job. Not that that would affect my choice whether to expose it or not.

Even if I chose to not "expose" it, I wouldn't keep it a secret. If someone asked me what was going on, I would be honest about it.

If they are doing something that they cant be honest about, maybe they shouldnt be doing it!

I told my friends (our friends) after I told him I knew something was up with the specific woman. I told his dad who asked him and of course xH denied everything.

I was accused of being crazy and finding ways, inoccent victims to pin my inadequacy as a wife on. I did not follow my gut feeling to show up at a few of his trips.

2 years later, August 5th, my keylogger worked. 1000 emails and 400 pics. The story of a love affair. It started :May 2006. The affair was on for 3 years. Seeing each other every day, thinking of moving in together, an abortion, trips, vacation, all that while we were living in the same house and most of that, before the bomb even. (once he moved out, there were problems in Paradise).

I told everybody and of course ended the fake reconciliation he had asked for (they are still seeing each other). stbxH is mad at me but feels relieved as he says. He told me that every time I was feeling something was wrong, I was right...

I would tell everybody if I had hard proof. I would not make the same mistake again, where I just expressed my suspicions he was cheating but never went ahead to prove it. I closed my eyes and hoped it was something "small". I would hire a PI. It would have saved me years of my life.
K

I'm so sorry, Kalni. I never knew all of that.

Puppy

Dear Kalni,

Our sitches are so similar. We have been on parallel paths for a year, but they are just now coming together. It is funny how life works. I would love to hear how you are handling this now. I am just now starting to absorb it. I do not know what I am going to do yet. I am praying for guidance.

Below is what I wrote on my own thread yesterday:

It is so good to see you. I am still holding my own, but finding out new stuff all the time. I just posted to Lost and have pasted the relevant stuff about me below:

I made so many excuses for my H, but when it hits you smack dab in the face, you have to begin to understand that they are not being fair to you.

Yes, they have a right to move and change, but it does not make for a happy camper for those of us on the other side -- the LBS. Never forget that we are all here for a reason.

If God does not reveal it immediately, it is because he knows we cannot handle it. He only gives us as much as we can handle. I truly believe this!

I went to see my priest today. I revealed information I have just recently received. And my priest confirmed to me that it was God's hand that made this information available to me, at this time. If I had it a year ago, I would not have been able to handle it. Trust me when I tell you these things.

poet

Poet, I agree with you. I've counseled others with the same observation, and I found it to be true in my own situation. If you take as a truth God's word in I Cor. 10:13 (and I do), and if you take as a given that different human beings have different capacities to handle things all at once (and I think that's safe to say), and if you figure that there are some very small things we encounter to handle and then there are some really MONSTROUS OBSTACLES . . .

then it only stands to reason that God will only enable to you to handle things a bit at a time, no??

My prayer to God when I was going thru my wife's affair two years ago was for Him to allow me to see what I NEEDED to see, in order to have the boldness to do what needed to be done . . . BUT NOTHING MORE, lest I wouldn't be able to bear it.

I found Him to be amazingly faithful in that.

Puppy

poet,
being separated for almost 2 years, helped me not to "lose it". Not much at least. The first week I replayed all my life with my new info. So many lies and deceit. A year ago H came back asking to reconcile with me. It was because there was trouble in Paradise AND because I was happy and it showed (gucci is right). It took me more than a month to agree.
For ten months I was doubting myself and my ability to forgive. For ten months I lived rejection all over again, luke warm feelings, clumsy attempts to reconnect and many many lonely nights.

I started to feel depressed and I had to pick myself up. My dad has cancer and that helped me put things into perspective. Altough I only recently admitted here I had put a keylogger at my home PC, I did that in January 2009, 3 months after the recocnciliation started. 3 weeks ago (Aug 5th), it all came out. He was joining me and th kids on vacation on Aug 13th.

He had tried to cut off with her. Several times. I saw her emails begging him to give her ano her chance, telling him that I hadent changed and how could he leave her and their past (!!!!), of how she would love our kids and how she gave up the dream of a kid of her own because of him.

I found pictures of them in bed and emails describing IN DETAIL what they were doing in bed and ON HIS DESK (!!!).

I found emails wheer she complains about evrything I ever complained. Asking him to go to C with her. (he would be the first man going to counceling with his W and GF at the same time!!-always a pioneer).

Worst of all, I found proof their affair was really hot while I was in the dark. While I thought we were a family, before I ever suspected ANYTHING was wrong... (she had an abortion before I knew there was a problem between us)

How I deal with it? I am angry because I gave up a man I had strong feelings for, ashamed for being so stupid, amazed that MY husband was leading a double life, shocked that he was able to come home to me, eat dinner, smile, kiss my kids, make love to me and then...plan his next rendevouz with her...

I feel disgusted she uses my kid's name, I feel sorry for my parents and family for making them accept him in their homes, I feel sad I met him and dont know how will I ever be able to coparent with him without despising him. I feel sorry my kids have a father like him.

I think you get my point...
K

I will never understand why he kept denying me the divorce while she was such a big part of his life. Right now, he says they are done. I think he figured out she wasnt the love of his life after all, just a little bit late...

Puppy, some of us listen to you, without making a big fuss about it

Ohh and she was assuming all along I was a terrible lover blackmailing at a point that he said he wanted back, to send me an email asking me how many times "we do it and how good it is because for them it was great but unfortunately no more than 4-5 times per day"!!!!

THAT hurt!!! LOL... He was reliving with her, the begining of our relationship but GOT with her where we were at after 11 years... Pretty fast huh?

Oh and in the begining he was remorseful, crying etc When I told our families and friends, he said I am a mean b!tch etc etc. When I told his dad to tell him to shut the f@ck up or I will sue (spelling?) him for endangering my health he apologised...