New Abbreviation for everyone VIII 2008 sucks
Sat: W took kids for 4 hours on Saturday and when she dropped them off, D6 wanted to stay with her mom, was crying and my stbx drove off. I guess she had a date or something. (thats got to weigh on stbx mind)
Sun: MIL found dead, heart attack, D9 was very close to her, haven't talked to D9 about it yet, W has been over at her parents house all day, I had the kids at a family reunion my side of the family. FIL just got back into town about 2 hours ago. W and her mom didn't get along, going to be rough on W becasue she didn't patch things up between them - now its too late (thats got to weigh on stbx mind)
Sun night: watching movie with the kids, someone on the movie was running away from something, D6 said "like mom ran away" and S5 said the same "yeah, just like mom ran away"
If its not one thing its another.
Remembered you all in my prayers today karen, Kat, Puppy, LWB, Starshyne, whatdidido, H4H, Cat, Germ and a few other including my W.
All I can do is:
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Sorry to hear that, bro.
The kids? Heartbreaking.
Your right. It's always one thing after another. Thanks for the prayers. I said a prayer today for everyone here, too.
Your doing really good. Probably doesn't seem like it, but I think you are.
Jeff,
I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Sometimes events like this can have a way of making one reevaluate their priorities and their course in life; I hope so, in your wife's case.
Peace, and thanks for the prayers. I pray for all of you, too!
Puppy
I am so sorry. If I remember correctly, you did get along. Maybe you can ask for a piece of jewelery that MIL wore for D9. I have the necklace and earrings of my grandma that were her favorites. They mean alot to me.
Hugs to you and your wonderful kids.
kat
I am so sorry to hear about your horrible weekend. I know you will have a tough road ahead trying to deal with the kids' emotions. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm so sorry, Jeff. Thank you for your prayers. I'll send some your way today, too. I feel so bad for your kids.
Thanks everyone for your prayers,
Kat, I was close to my MIL, she was always on my side, she understood what W was doing and wasn't happy with her, W and MIL did not get along; it has always been a problem with my W, why her relationship with her mother wasn't better than it was. Now W will never be able to have the relationship with her mom she always wanted. (sad)
W's dad always did his own thing and could rely on his W to take care of stuff around the house while he was gone, she did everything for him, he would pack up and ride his motorcycle with his buddies, gone for weeks at a time, free spirit (see where W gets it from) and MIL would always be their for him, taking care of the house, the bills, his dog, etc.
I cannot see FIL even cooking a meal for himself
W called this morning wanted to take kids to school, I told her come over as soon as she wanted, I know she wants to be with the kids right now, she will be over tonight so we can talk to the kids about their grandma
God I do not understand why this had to happen, as if the kids don't have enough to worry about right now, They feel like their mother has abandoned them, now their Grandma, is gone.
I love them so much it hurts God, they are so little, why do they have to go though all of this I just want them to feel loved and wanted, I tell them everyday I want them, and I love them.
SOMEDAY NEVER COMES
Whenever I feel like I hit rock bottom
I feel relieved thankful and pleased
for I know there is only one way to go
only one way to go from here
its got to get better
up, up, up, things are going to get better
them God throws me another curve ball
another bump in the road
its all getting very old
will I ever get a break
How much can I take
I feel like someday
someday things will get better
but someday never comes.
It just keeps raining
someday never comes
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Jeff, I'm so sorry! Your MIL sounds like such a wonderful woman and a good friend too!!! You and your kids have had a rough year!!!
It always seems like that happens for me. I have had 2 awful years (1985) where everything bad happened (my 1st boyfriend dumped me and then my dad died and it was that kind of year)
and then end of last year, I got the bomb and my bro's brain tumor the same week. But I do think we can always handle what God sends our way and things get better. I don't understand why bad stuff seems to come in packages; I guess God is still testing us and helping us become better people? I'd like to think there is a good reason!
W's dad always did his own thing and could rely on his W to take care of stuff around the house while he was gone, she did everything for him, he would pack up and ride his motorcycle with his buddies, gone for weeks at a time, free spirit (see where W gets it from) and MIL would always be their for him, taking care of the house, the bills, his dog, etc.
I cannot see FIL even cooking a meal for himself
But I bet he might surprise you. I've done a lot of stuff this past year I never thought I could. I never used to do any what I considered guy stuff: simple repairs, mowing the grass, taking care of the kids in emergencies. Sometimes maybe it's good for us to grow like that, and get stronger and more capable, plus I think it makes us appreciate our loved ones more.
I think a lot of us are the same; our kids have one barely there parent and one stable parent trying their hardest like in your case. And I believe having one good parent is all a kid needs (my big bro and I were raised by a single widower dad and we turned out ok anyway). Maybe you even try harder when you're kind of a single parent, like you coast a little when you have 2 good parents, but when you almost have one like in our cases you try twice as hard to be the best parent you can be? I know my dad did that, too. (((((((Jeff))))))) Karen
Just checking in on you to make sure that you are doing as well as can be expected. Let it out here if you want. We are all here for you. Hugs.
kat
Jeff, I am so sorry for your family to deal with this loss. I know it will be hard on your kids. Heck my Grandma isn't doing very well and it is hard on me! You are doing such a wonderful job raising those children. Keep up the great work.
It is sad that the kids saw that movie on tv of someone running and automatically thought of their mother. I wonder if she knows that they see her as running away? I wonder what she would think of that...
Sara
Wow, I am so sorry for your loss, and for your kids. I will be thinking of you guys. And thank you for thinking of us.
How are you doing Jeff? How about the kids? I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
kat
Hey everyone, just finished with MIL's funeral, very nice, W did a great job of making all of the arrangements. Everyone, W friends, my friends, friends of the family, were all their.
My kids were all dress up in their Sunday best, they were all good, we picked flowers for my FIL and W and handed them to them when we arrived.
everyone was telling me if I need help just call them and they will be their for me, wow, was crazy, everyone all the girls, women, everyone was telling me how good I looked
I use to have a hair cut like a marine and I've let my hair grow long, my W best friend told me several times how good I looked and her sister said the same thing. W sister told me again today how much her sister thought how good I looked, everyone was hugging me, was wierd, I don't know what they expected me to look like, sad, depressed, worn down, etc.
W just called me to tell me thanks and tell me she loved me, that I'm such a great father, I'm such a great guy, I'm such a great person, That she was sorry. I told her I loved her too and I was over the anger, but not the hurt that she caused me, told her not to worry about me I would be fine that she should take care of herself and if she needed anything I would be here for her.
She told me again she didn't want to hurt me that she was sorry that she couldn't be the person I wanted her to be (that means mother and wife), she told me again that I'm so good with the children, that I'm doing such a great job with them, that they are such good kids, I told her it was because of both of us that they were good kids. She complimented me on how good I am with the kids and said she cannot do it anymore (that means being patient with them, not worrying over every little thing)
So much for having someone to love you but you cannot hold them or show your love for them. This hurts me the most
So I'll
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
That is so sad, Jeff. If only she could have sought out another solution to her impatience and parenting skills and issues rather than running away from them. I'm so very sorry. It's almost unbelievable how she can do this, have no one talk sense to her, and do and say the things she says and be ok with it. I just don't understand.
I don't understand either whatdidido, it hurts so bad, I have always been there for her, would have done anything for her, I would have given her anything I could, I loved her very much and I still do, but she cannot handle it.
it is sad, she wants to do her own thing, ok, nothing I can do about it but work on myself
Her family, friends, everyone, knows me and what a good person I am, they know I loved my W, they don't understand either. These are people who have been around my W and her family their whole life. These are the godparents of our children the people we have over every holiday, the people my W respects.
The guy OM, that my W says is her true love and the person she was meant to be with wasn't at the funeral I know she would have a hard time bringing him into the picture, maybe someday she wouldn't be so embarrised to bring him around the people she respects. We will see, he will never be welcome in my house.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
W just called me to tell me thanks and tell me she loved me, that I'm such a great father, I'm such a great guy, I'm such a great person, That she was sorry. I told her I loved her too and I was over the anger, but not the hurt that she caused me, told her not to worry about me I would be fine that she should take care of herself and if she needed anything I would be here for her.
Funny how it took her a while to realize that!!! Do you think she is emerging from her fog or MLC or whatever a little? I mean, it sounds like she is really realizing how messed up she is and realizing what she's doing a bit, which I think a lot of WAS don't (yeah like mine).
Don't they always say you can't fix something until you know it's broken? (If not, they should).
Sorry for you Jeff, but you are sounding good and strong!!! I do believe no matter what things are going to get better for you!!! Karen
Karen: Funny how it took her a while to realize that!!! Do you think she is emerging from her fog or MLC or whatever a little? I mean, it sounds like she is really realizing how messed up she is and realizing what she's doing a bit,
yes karen, I do think she is comming out of her MLC a little, she always told me I was the best father anyone could wish for and a very good person.
The I love you line really hurt. I mean what the heck you love me but cannot handle the home we built together, the family we created, these beautiful children a husband that literally would do anything for you and you just walk away.
I don't know what to think, God's will be done
D6 and D6 are making me a crown, they have been in my office while I type this measuring my head so the crown fits. They also made my bed for me, I was in a rush this morning and didn't have time, If I was alone without my little ones I would have gone crazy by now.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Hey Jeff,
Tough couple of days for you. I wish I could offer some miracle advice or help to get you through this. But both you and I believe in the same God. And when I read your posts, I see God working in your life and even your marriage. It's almost like you are being purified right now. You've grown into such a patient, loving father. Your kids adore you and undoubtedly see that strength. And you can't deny that things like your wife accidentally getting stuck at church or her mom's untimely passing might actually be part of His bigger plan to give her a dose of reality. I'm not trying to read too much into all this or predict the future. I'm not that smart. I only know that there is a God and I'm definitely not Him. I just know in my case, much of the bitterness towards my W has faded and I'd even welcome my prodigal home as crazy as that sounds. That forgiveness isn't mine. If I had my way, I would've found a way to keep her hurting as much as I have hurt over this past year. But at the end of the day, its not MY way, but His way!
You never know what could happen with your WAM(w). For your children's sake, I hope that she does come out of this fog. And for your sake too. There are some undeniably hopeful signs that you've written about even if it is too confusing and painful. At the very least you'll have someone to co-parent with. At the very best, the woman you love might actually emerge from the darkness that she's allowed herself to be trapped in. This sounds crazy but if the goal of a marriage is to get your partner to heaven, her unfaithfulness might have been your springboard to sainthood! A gift that you could never thank your W enough...
Keep swimming! Germ
Jeff,
Been off of here for a little while. Sorry to hear about the passing of your MIL. I have the same kind of MIL, she is great.
I could see how bad that speech she gave you would mess with your mind sometimes. You are a strong guy and I see you keep moving forward and doing the right things.
germ04 This sounds crazy but if the goal of a marriage is to get your partner to heaven, her unfaithfulness might have been your springboard to sainthood!
Hey Germ, I'm no saint, just trying to get by in life and love my kids
Germ and yenko, The I love you speech, really messed with my head, I couldn't get W out of my thoughts all day yesterday, I want to forget her and move on with my life. I thought I was doing fine, then after the speech It felt like I took ten steps backwards. Going over in my head everything I already thought about, how did I get to this point, what could I have done, how great it was to hold her, and on and on and on.
Was really depressed yesterday - home from work today, cleaning, been crazy around here the last couple of days - got to get my head screwed on straight and live, love, and grow.
I cannot just keep swimming in circles
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I can relate. My W came back a little while ago and really threw my head in a spin. She is seeing a L friday so I imagine she will file soon. I am still fighting for her, but some days I am not even sure she is what I want anymore. I am also sure she will carry this through and we will be D soon.
Sometimes it is hard to pick your self up and let the past go. Just make that choice and do it. Stay busy and enjoy life as much as you can. I chose yesterday to enjoy the day and did, that was after her telling me in the morning that she had an appointment with a lawyer and needed to get this over with.
Make the choice and let your emotions follow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1tXhJniSEc&feature=related
Jeff, just read what you wrote on my thread. I need to hear that every now and again and here you were at a low point and still found that in yourself to shine a light on someone else. You are remarkable! I am going to meet you someday and just give you the biggest bear hug that I know how. You are very special and it seems that I am not the only one who notices it.
hugs, kat
I'm not surprised the "I love you" speech messed with your head. You still love her. It is her that is confused, and that is a helpless feeling. You are doing the right thing, focusing on the kids, doing your projects, etc. It is what is keeping your mind off of what your W is doing. It is allowing you to still love her, too, had she come out of the fog. I still think she may, and you are smart to behave the way you are. Keep swimming straight like you have been. Her speech was like a little current you got caught in for a bit and will get out of. The only way you stay is if she continues and decides to work at getting you back. She knows you love her.
Jeff, if I were to here the wife tell me that, WHATEVER the circumstance, it would def. throw me into a tailspin, too.
When I have the kiddos, they keep me so grounded. Focused.
When I don't have them, when its her week, I hate it. Absolutely hate it.
Hi Jeff,
Just checking up on you. The funeral sounded nice. I am glad to hear that the OM wasn't there. That would have been so inappropriate for everyone. At least she had enough class not to bring him to such a big family oriented gathering. Besides I am sure her mother would not have wanted her daughter's lover at her funeral.
I understand being in a tailspin after hearing her tell you that she loves you. If you remember correctly, my xh told me that all of the time, told me that he didn't want to divoce, and even recently he told me that he will always love me and doesn't know if he will ever get over losing me! If only he understood that he didn't have to lose me. He chose to go down the other path. I was standing there with my arms open to him for so long, wanting to work on the marriage. It makes you just feel all messed up inside when they say those things. But everyone kept reminding me that the words dont' mean a lot. Actions are what really count. Your W doesn't act like a loving person to you. That is what makes me really sad for you. She sees what a wonderful husband, father and man you are and still choses to turn away. I am so sorry.
Hugs
Sara
Thanks Kat for the kind words, I feel bad that I don't post to others as much as I should and you are a great person I'm glad you latched onto my post and continue to look in on me, same goes for H4H, whatdidido, Karen, Puppy, Cat, Germ and Starshyne just to name a few.
whatdidido, It is what is keeping your mind off of what your W is doing. It is allowing you to still love her, Her speech was like a little current you got caught in for a bit and will get out of.
its hard keeping my mind off of her, everytime I come here, I'm thinking of her, I know she wants to move on, she always says, I deserve better than her, I always told her I deserve to be with the one I love.
Starshyne (Sara) But everyone kept reminding me that the words dont' mean a lot. Actions are what really count.
I needed to hear this, and I need to keep remembering this, her actions say goodbye.
Questions for everyone, she is pushing into my life, called me two times today, I'm taking the kids to our parish picnic Saturday and she said she would meet me up their for a couple of hours,
she wants to be friends This is hard for me to consider,
What would happen in her mind if I was open to her friendship, right now I don't even acknowledge she is in the same room with me, it would be wierd to be out with her having fun and bam !!! she heads off for OM. Do I gain more from staying dark or opening up and being fun and outgoing with her. Do I become a door mat ?
I posted this once before "the battle may be lost but not the war" - and I don't even know why I'm thinking this way right now, like I said the I Love You speech really messed with my head.
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I don't think that is the best idea. It would just bring more pain into your life at this time. If someday in the future, they could feel remorse, maybe but right now, it isn't happening. They show emotion as if to say "Look I am crying I feel this too". But in reality it is just for show.
Honestly, let it go for now. Maybe when she is the person you fell in love with again, but not right now. I am saving you from you not her by the way.
kat
If you let her be your "friend" she will justify all that she has done. She will think, "See, he understands. It was for the best.", "See, we all are fine, and better than we would be if I had stayed.", "See, everyone, how I am a good parent, and how Jeff still respects me? It was the right choice."
It's like what I tell h4h, if she is choosing to leave you, you should NOT be all "buddy buddy" with her. It helps her think that what she did was ok. It also gives her everything. She gets your friendship (knowing you love her, too) and she gets this other life as well. Let her feel what she has done. She has broken a family. She has no right to pretend she still has it with two hours here and there and little appearances.
It disgusts me a bit how she is intruding on things YOU have planned. She just pops in, gets her "feel good moments", and then leaves....all the time thinking she is SUCH a good mother.
To her question of friendship, I would respond, "I married you and so I will never be "just friends" with you. YOu chose to break the family and break our marriage. I will be polite and respectful, but don't ask me to be your FRIEND. That's insulting. Every moment I spend with our children is precious. Since you have decided we will not be a family anymore, we will have to respect each other's time separately. I don't want a "part time wife" nor a "wife turned friend"."
I would do this AT LEAST until the divorce is final. Later, you can always be friends sometime in the future.
That's my 2 cents.
Thanks Kat and whatdidido, you are both right
whatdidido: If you let her be your "friend" she will justify all that she has done. She will think, "See, he understands. It was for the best.", "See, we all are fine, and better than we would be if I had stayed.", "See, everyone, how I am a good parent, and how Jeff still respects me? It was the right choice."
I understand. I will be wearing the shorts she likes me to wear, and a tight shirt, at 45 I'm still trim and fit. I will let her see me but will not engage her, There will be plenty to do to keep myself occupied and distant.
She will only be up there for a couple of hours, and in the evening I'm going to take kids home (have a babysitter) and I'll head back up there to meet some friends. The picnic is a block away so we walk up there.
Whatdidido: It disgusts me a bit how she is intruding on things YOU have planned. She just pops in, gets her "feel good moments", and then leaves....all the time thinking she is SUCH a good mother.
I hear about everything she does, I did this for the kids, I did that, I paid for this and that, I hear her complain about the kids what they did (dirty shoes in the car was the last one) - I don't say anything, nothing about any problems even if I had a hard day, I don't discuss what we did or didn't do.
Thanks for keeping me on the right path, I did think being her friend would make me feel like a door mat. Have to go now, family movie night, going to fold laundry while I watch movie with the kids.
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Thanks for keeping me on the right path, I did think being her friend would make me feel like a door mat. Have to go now, family movie night, going to fold laundry while I watch movie with the kids.
I agree too. Of course my sitch is different, but I do try to be friendly and polite always. I think that is best for the kids, but to be real actual friends is impossible, and I think it also smart for you to give you time to drop the rope and all that stuff. Karen
You know I am now living in the after divorce world and my xh wants to be friends. Or he is trying to get me back. The jury is still out on that one. He calls me 4-5 times a day. I try my best not to answer the phone calls, but it is difficult because I hate having to let go of my marriage and the friendship we had. However, it hurts SO badly after I talk to him. The other day he asked me if I would like to come and see his new apartment. I told him no. I said that I am still trying to heal and seeing his apartment would hurt too much.
So Jeff....right now you really can't be friends with her. It is way too painful. You still love her. Wait and see how things play out and then decide from there. Remember to keep looking at those actions and not the words.
sara
Your getting great advice, bud.
I too flip flop on whether to be friends or not. Not being friends seems to go against what my goal is, but I understand it. Sort of.
Wdid has told me, right now, no friendship. She has done this thing. She still wants the best of both worlds.
IF she divorces me, then something else to consider. Who knows what will happen after D. For us to decide how to deal with it. Not them. OUR decision IF we still want to pursue them. The things we are doing right now are supposed to give us a chance. To let them realize things. If D still comes, then total different plan. WE decide it we pursue it or not.
But the advice given to you and I is "No being friends".
Boy, that ILY really messed with you. I couldn't even imagine.
Just checking in. Hope today is a great one. The weather is at least making a nice show!
kat
Thanks everyone for checking in on me, I had a great time with the kids yesterday at the picnic, brought 3 little ones home at 6:30 pm and my D9 and I stayed to closing, drank to much, but I wasn't driving, a lot of friends were there, people from church, was a great time. W never showed up, called said she had other things to do, she took kids to soccer games today so I got some stuff done at the house.
Why is this so hard, I'm just don't understand why this is happing to me, why God, I don't understand, why do I love her so much ?
John Mayer - Dreaming with a broken heart
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
This song sums up my life right now, I am dreaming with a broken heart, and giving up is very hard. I hurt soo bad still, wow will it ever end. I just don't understand, I have to move on but it's hard. I really did love my W with all my heart.
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Why is this so hard, I'm just don't understand why this is happing to me, why God, I don't understand, why do I love her so much ?
My thoughts exactly.
((((((((((((((((((Jeff)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are going to be ok. You are doing the right thing in every way. Keep talking to God.
Jeff, first of all, I'm a huge fan of John Mayer. His song In your atmosphere really hits me hard... The lyrics "I'd die if I saw you and I'd die if I didn't see you there." are so poignant.
For you though, I say feel all this emotion. If I am reading your post correctly, something inside you is telling you not to give up hope. Now that your anger has somewhat subsided, that subtle voice is back. Look, I might be crazy, but I've followed your posts because yours always seems to have hope. Your wife hasn't stopped all contact. She can't even say she doesn't love you anymore. Instead, this issue is all about her problems (and maybe some ways that you fell short too during the marriage). But there are signs of her emerging from her abyss. At the end of the day, you have to decide whether you want to welcome your prodigal home or show her the door permanently. The world will always give you the same answer but sometimes true happiness calls for taking heroic steps.
I'm not belittling your pain or frustration or confusion. I just want you to see that I'm actually jealous of your place in life. You have hope (albeit slim) and you still actually have a choice of which direction to take. It's not a done deal yet. Worse off WAW(M) have come back from the dead.
Thanks everyone, whatdidido, I have to have faith in God's plan for me, I have so many questions, I have so many concerns, I have so much work to do. I worry to much, I'm scared, I'm lonely.
The kids are great, they help me out so much, one of them, was S5 last night, just wanted to cuddle and be held, so I sat down with him for a short time, D9 helped me out with the laundry (folding the clothes) she is a big help.
W said she would take the kids next weekend, 27th and 28th this morning, opps, she has tickets to Cardnials Baseball game Sunday the 28th, so she will be dropping off the kids Sunday morning.
Total number of day W had kids this month = 2.5
I post this stuff, because its a good example of what she is doing or what she is like. I don't know if I could go without having the kids for more than 2 days.. They are a lot of work, but they are a joy to be with, hugging on me, they fight over who gets to help daddy cook dinner.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe, Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... (John Mayer)
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Jeff, you are doing so many things right and it appears that W is doing oh so many things wrong. It is hard to not look at what they are doing, just as people strain to see an accident. Really, I think you need to turn away.
Believe me your pain and frustration are evident and while it is good to document for the legal sake of your situation, I think you need to let it stop there. Don't focus so much on what she is saying or ther things she does unless those actions are coming back to you and her kids.
i hope you can find peace soon. Hugs.
kat
Your W reminds me of my egf who married, had an affair, married the affair partner, had an affair on her new husband, and is now with the new affair partner. The natural mother skills are not there. She likes having them love on her, but parenting skills are weak, doesn't like to discipline, doesn't like to do the "work" involved in having kids, etc. She has told me that she likes that she has her kids part time, she has more time to herself. When she has them, she takes them to the gym so she can work out most of the time. She is now not working yet she takes her one child to daycare 3 days a week anyway...all day. I don't get these kinds of women anyway. They need help. They need counseling. I know my egf was possibly sexually abused as a child. BIg things like that really screw up a person. I wish you could get your wife some help.
You know I am now living in the after divorce world and my xh wants to be friends. Or he is trying to get me back. The jury is still out on that one. He calls me 4-5 times a day. I try my best not to answer the phone calls, but it is difficult because I hate having to let go of my marriage and the friendship we had.
Maybe he is trying to ask you for some more of your t-shirts.
Sorry, I had to.
Jeff, the letting go is so hard. I agree with Germ. She just has a lot of issues to deal with inside of herself. You CAN see you anger has subsided a bit.
And she messed with your mind. She is good at it. They all are.
Enjoy those kids. Yes, its hard, but imagine having them only every other week. I consider myself fortunate. Some guys get the everyother weekend thing. That would just absolutely kill me.
Keep the faith. I was watching John Mayer this past Saturday night. A concert on PBS. I gotta see him live.
Prayed for you and everyone else here on Sunday at church.
Kat, thanks for keeping an eye on me, I do appreciate your effort and support, you along with so many people here have kept me on the path to recovery.
H4H And she messed with your mind. She is good at it.
Yes the I love you speech really put me in a tailspin, I saw the John Mayer PBS show also, well just a part, the second song after I turned it on was Dreaming With A Broken Heart and I couldn't take it, couldn't even make it through the whole song, so I turned it off. You are right I am very lucky to have my kids as much as I do, between the kids and you guys/gals here I'm getting through all of this - thanks H4H
whatdidido:. She likes having the kids love on her, but parenting skills are weak, doesn't like to discipline, doesn't like to do the "work" involved in having kids, etc. She has told me that she likes that she has her kids part time, she has more time to herself.
Wow whatdidido, spot on, I was always the one who had to discipline the kids, W does like the kids to love on her, but after awhile she is done, go away, W always complained about the work involved with raising the kids, laundry, all the mess that needed to be taken care of, etc. Thanks whatdidido, I always enjoy hearing from you and you provide a unique prospective, thanks for checking in on me.
New stuffAfter I picked the kids up from after school care, I was going to cut the grass, so I grabbed an old shirt, I grabbed my softball tee-shirt and D9 and D6 both were worried about where I was going, had to reassure them that I wasn't going anywhere. Its sad they are so worried about people leaving them. I will never leave them I pray to God to keep me health so I can watch over my babies.
W arrived this morning to pick up the kids, I haven't started splitting this duty with her yet, because with everything going on I think its best for both W and the kids to see each other as much as possible. W bought kids some new clothes, I was trying to clean up breakfast dishes, so I could get to work she insisted that I see what she bought, I continued to work, nodding politely and saying that's nice as she pulled each item from the bag.
W received a letter from her aunt (someone she respects very much) her aunt and uncle were at the funeral and I talked to them for some time, they are so happy my W married me. The letter was addressed to both of us, but I didn't open it up. W was reading it this morning I could tell it had pictures in it and a lengthy note, I guess they don't know W moved out yet, neither does one of her close friends, who called the house 3 times last week looking for W.
W seemed to want to talk to me this morning, I don't know if it had to do with the letter or what but she was following me around and the kids were following her around (very funny) W was getting a little upset that the kids would not leave her alone with me, she seemed to want to talk, but couldn't and I didn't say anything I just went about my business.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe, Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... (John Mayer)W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Jeff, you know I am not going to stop checking in on you. We have been through this crap together and I am not about to leave you alone in it! lol
Maybe W is getting some truth darts but it seems to me that she already knows how great you are. The problem(s) lie deep within her. She needs to go to C and maybe get on and stay on some meds. Kids are stressful but they are the most rewarding "job" you could have had. I am so glad mine share their "stuff" with me and hope we can always stay this close. Hugs.
kat
W called today, was cleaning out her mothers stuff and found a letter addressed to the both of us from 2005 where MIL recounts conversation with our neighbor about how my W was verbally abusive to the children, how W did what she wanted going out all the time, etc.
W asked if neighbor told me the same stuff, I said no, except on one occasion. Told W that I understand how kids can stress you out to the point you say something you regret.
Told W neighbor once said W met a man outside our house and was telling the kids to stay inside, I let W know that I requested that the neighbor stop telling me stuff like this because all it did was upset me - neighbor no longer tells me stuff she saw
W was crying, said several times that she was sorry, that I didn't deserve all this.
I said, what is done is done, sorry doesn't help, I just want to move on with my life. Told W I was over the anger but I still hurt and I don't know when that will end.
W said you know how I feel, I don't have to say it.
I knew she was referring to the I love you speech last week,
I said what your sorry for what you did ??? (long pause) I said, I want you out of my life as much as possible and I want to move on with my life
W said we had a great conversation last week
again referring to the I love you speech,
I told her it made me depressed and that she should leave me alone.
I said do what you want be with the person you love but leave me alone, I want you out of my life as much as possible.
W said she would always be their for me and the kids and I said nothing,
W said she would talk to me later.
I said OK
WOW
When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe, Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... (John Mayer)
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Wow are you the same person from a few months ago? Even though you are going through an incredibly difficult time you held it together and I am so proud of you. I am also sorry because I know what you are feeling. Hard as it to believe you will get past this, you will. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
kat
Guilt is a mother f***er (excuse the language). She is feeling her choice and feeling all that she has done. TO have done what she did, and not be able to do anything to change it, is a horrible horrible feeling.
You are a strong man and handled the phone call like a the good man that you are. Hang in there, Jeff.
She didn't correct you when you said the thing about her going back to who she loves, meaning OM. That surprises me. I always thought she would be back.
All I can say is wow. Jeff you do sound like a different person from early this summer. She is feeling guilty. My xh is feeling that as well. She doesn't want to fix the marriage, she just wants to feel bad about everything.
So things have been going on since 2005? I am a little confused about that.
Sara
Jeff,
I'm really glad you didn't do what so many people do, and that's say "that's OK." Even if it's just standard vernacular, it's NOT okay what she did to you and your kids, and there are ways you can show compassion to her without saying those words.
Good job. I think Reality has come-a-callin' on her pretty little head.
Puppy
Jeff, I hope that I am able to say those words to the wife someday when she tells me the same thing.
It hurts but you did the right thing.
Jeff, I hope that I am able to say those words to the wife someday when she tells me the same thing.
It hurts but you did the right thing.
I got to agree with H4H. My prayers are with you.
On a side note, I u tubed John Mayer. Pretty good stuff.
Thanks everyone, Kat, Puppy, H4H, whatdidido, Starshyne, yenko69 for being here for me.
Its so hard, I want to tell W come back I want to hold her again, but I know I can't. This is soo hard, she is not capable of doing the things that would be required of her to reconcile. I know this, W knows that I deserve better than her, I deserve better than she has treated me. It's just a shame because I lover her so much.
Whatdidido: She is feeling her choice and feeling all that she has done. TO have done what she did, and not be able to do anything to change it, is a horrible horrible feeling. She didn't correct you when you said the thing about her going back to who she loves, meaning OM. That surprises me. I always thought she would be back.
She is feeling the choices she has made, she knew I would never stand for any A ever. She knows what kind of man I am. No whatdidido, she did not correct me when I said do what you want be with the person you love but leave me alone. She wants to do her own thing, have some fun with the kids every now and then go do what she wants.
Sara, in 2005 we still had 3 kids at home, so W was with them all day. It was very stressful for her and I knew this. So I made every effort to make sure she had time to do what she wanted. Well that caused some problems that we worked through together, we talked and we both worked on our R and things improved. W always wanted more, always pointing out what other people had and we didn't, always stressed out about the kids, always felt trapped.
I'm going to have to set limits, I cannot keep letting her drag me down, I need to move on with my life, Everyone who knows me including my STBX knows I'm a good person, I just hope there is someone out there for me. I need to work on myself and forget about my W (Thats going to be so hard) Why God do I lover her so much.
I will not let her throw me into another tailspin.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe, Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... (John Mayer)
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Hang in there, the best is yet to be. ((((((Jeff)))))))))))
Guilt is a mother f***er (excuse the language).
DUB!!!
But it sure is. I think it played a major factor in my wife's stroke.
Lol.
H4h, I think it still affects your wife's health. For me, it was migraine headaches, severe lower back pain, and stomach problems constantly.
whatdidido and H4H I wounder what effects its having on my stbx She has been hit with so may truth darts lately, she has to hurt.
W has the kids Saturday, soccer game in the morning, birthday party in the afternoon, dinner at her dads, then back to her place for the evening - back to reality for her on Saturday.
That will be enough for her for awhile, thats 2.5 days this month she had the kids.
What a mom
When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe, Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... (John Mayer)
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
At least they have a great dad to take care of them.
I am sure your W is hurting. Your W and mine seem to have some of the same problems. As much as I would want to work it out, I don't think my W has it in her to do it. It is a sad fact of life, but one that has to be accepted.
I think most of our WAS are majorly messed up. But now I'm at the point of thinking wouldn't it be really cool to have a R with someone that wasn't majorly messed up, one that could really be there for us? I haven't had that in a while now so I think we've all learned to appreciate that, too? Karen
Karen,
I seem to following you around a little bit. I could not agree more, no matter how bad it may hurt. There is always someone that can appreciate us as we need to be. Whether that is in the future of with we are here now is the question you have to ask yourself. Take care and sleep well.
Karen,
There is always someone that can appreciate us as we need to be. Whether that is in the future of with we are here now is the question you have to ask yourself. Take care and sleep well.
Hi! Yeah, I think I've already answered that one for myself. I'm going to move on living life as well as I can, happy with my kids, and if H never wakes up or realizes he's lost a good thing in our family, then I will be ok. It's too painful just to sit there kind of mentally waiting for someone that may or may not ever be there again, and I'm leaning toward to the not in my case! Karen
yenko69: Your W and mine seem to have some of the same problems. As much as I would want to work it out, I don't think my W has it in her to do it. It is a sad fact of life, but one that has to be accepted
Yeah, I know what you mean, it would be to hard for them to submit to the conditions of coming back to work on R, they are in their own little world and in a fog, maybe when they crash (could take years) they will want to reconcile but I won't be here or the same person a year from now. They are in a kind of MLC which from what I've read takes awhile for them to come out of the fog.
Karen: I'm at the point of thinking wouldn't it be really cool to have a R with someone that wasn't majorly messed up, one that could really be there for us? I haven't had that in a while now so I think we've all learned to appreciate that, too?
my W was the one messed up, I guess I was a little to accomidating and she took advantage of me. Wouldn't it be great karen, to have someone that wasn't - this scares me, and I keep thinking of you, kat, Sara, whatdidido and lwb and all the other women here and I think to myself there are women out there who are single who are not messed up who were treated poorly by their H
who if I could only find one and treat her like I treated my stbx, they would appreciate me more than anything in the world, being appreciated is a wonderful thing Well kids are away with W, might go out tonight, on my 4th load of laundry and I have to scrub the bathrooms out and pay some bills, so I better get moving if I want to go out
When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe, Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... (John Mayer)W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
You've got that right Jeff. There are many women that would be thrilled to have you and have you appreciate them.. I am sure they are all around you. But if you keep looking at the closed door you won't see the one that is open beside you.
kat
You've got that right Jeff. There are many women that would be thrilled to have you and have you appreciate them.. I am sure they are all around you. But if you keep looking at the closed door you won't see the one that is open beside you.
kat
I agree Kat, but to use your analogy, I also hope we all don't rush through the 1st or 2nd open door we find, but take time to make sure we've got a really good door? Ok, that sounds stupid, but I really do want all of us to have the kind of Rs that we deserve to have in the (near) future.
Karen
Hey kat and karen you are both right
Kat: But if you keep looking at the closed door you won't see the one that is open beside you
I know what you mean, I have to get the stbx out of my head. W just called to see what I was doing, asked if I was going out tonight, said I didn't have to tell her where, I just said yes I'm going out.
I'm just going up to bar where she works (she has the kids so she isn't working) both her and I are good friends with owners. Going to grab some dinner and a few beers.
I have been thinking of dating again, not right now but probably next year, will not be looking for anything serious just someone to have fun with (will let them know up front - honesty best policy) I don't want to jump into something right away but would love to have someone to do things with. Going to be rough on me being so shy.
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Going to be rough on me being so shy.
I have that same problem. Hopefully with some IC I can overcome it more. It does tend to hinder life sometimes.
Yep, I am shy too. I keep trying to do things alone. Challenging myself to get comfortable in my own skin. I don't go to bars, never have but sometimes think I just need to go to places and see who is available!
kat
Jeff,
Thanks for your words on h4h's thread. I don't know if I am helping people as much as helping myself. To hear their pain helps me be more understanding to my H and his feelings. He doesn't always share and it helps to see how I made him feel so that I can make amends that way. It's funny how I can see things so differently now. When you are in the thick of things you really can't see what is in front of you.
I admire how you have handled everything. Your wife checking up on you....interesting......she may be coming around. You, are hanging in there. I love how you have totally focused on your kids and being a father and yourself. You are smart to be waiting to date. Also, smart to be thinking about it. I think thinking about it is really the first step. To wrap your mind around the idea even is probably pretty scary/strange/exciting. It wouldn't be fair to anyone you see right now and you know that. Again, admirable. Being honest with them up front....smart.
It's not over until it's over. In church this weekend the readings were about being self righteous. The deacon did the homily and spoke of his brother who was a "player" all his life, made bad choices alll the time, married, cheated on his wife, divorced, etc. He spoke how his community hated him, the church abandoned him, etc. Meanwhile, his ex wife prayed for him. Had her whole church praying for him and he didn't know. Right before his brother asked another to get engaged to him, he drove to the state where his ex lived. He told the Deacon (his brother) that he needed to talk to her. He never came back. He is with his wife to this day, remarried. Power of prayer. The deacon also talked about how it saddened him because his brother felt like he could never come home because of the judgements of the people there. He said he can't see his brother but once or twice a year because of it. People and their "holier than thou" attitudes. He reminded us how Jesus told the people that the tax collectors, the lowly, the prostitutes, will get to heaven before all others. For me, this hit me, because even though I have done what I've done, I still tend to judge others on other things. I need to be better at that. Anyway, the beginning of the story, and the power of prayer made me think of you. Your wife is so lost, so in need of counseling, if anything, I hope she gets that. And you, you deserve happiness, however that will come to you.
Just a quick plug for the movie Fireproof. Proof that God can and does save hopeless marriages. Don't give up. The world wants us to. But we are in a supernatural battle to save our soul and the soul of our lost spouse. Look, if it can give me hope, I know it can give you hope as well!
I heard about that movie. I want to go see it soon.
Whatdidido writes: Jeff Thanks for your words on h4h's thread. I don't know if I am helping people as much as helping myself. To hear their pain helps me be more understanding to my H and his feelings.
I'm sure this site helps people in different ways, it both helps and hurts me, and I've always been conflicted about coming here. It helps me to post my thoughts and get feedback from such great people, but it's also a place of pain and a constant reminder of what I've been through. I see so many new people come to this site and I see the pain from the people I've come to know and I don't want them to hurt anymore.
Whatdidido writes You, are hanging in there. I love how you have totally focused on your kids and being a father and yourself. You are smart to be waiting to date. Also, smart to be thinking about it. I think thinking about it is really the first step.
I know I can do better; I need to get my head straight and start working more on myself and doing more for the kids. My house is not in order (euphemism) so it's not time to invite guest over. I know this but it hurts because I crave companionship, the touch of a woman again, wow - hanging around with the guys just isn't the same.
Thanks whwtdidido for the kind words I agree that my W is sooo lost, and I have continued to pray for her and everyone here
Update on how such a crappy 2008 I'm having I work for Wachovia (I'll be ok) NEW YORK (Reuters) - Citigroup Inc agreed to buy Wachovia Corp's banking operations, rescuing a major lender felled by bad mortgages amid turmoil in global credit markets. The $2.16 billion all-stock transaction was brokered by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said it would foster financial stability.
Something weird, W called and her best friend (on 3rd husband) brother had his W walk out on him after 13 years, W said he was browbeaten, his W was domineering and she left with the kids. The guy is falling apart and W wants me to send her girlfriend a copy of what I composed for W and my D settlement. My 8 page type written statement of the conditions I would agree to in our D, so this guy will know what his rights are. I'm not going to send the exact copy, but I will send her something and advise that this guy get a L and see a C asap.
I can't just keep swimming, I need to get working on myself and do better job with the kids (I know I can do better)
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
You CAN keep swimming, it is the treading water that won't work anymore. We are all here pulling for you and I know you are pulling for yourself too.
kat
Update on how such a crappy 2008 I'm having I work for Wachovia (I'll be ok) NEW YORK (Reuters) - Citigroup Inc agreed to buy Wachovia Corp's banking operations, rescuing a major lender felled by bad mortgages amid turmoil in global credit markets. The $2.16 billion all-stock transaction was brokered by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said it would foster financial stability.
Your a lot better off than being an employee of Washington Mutual. I work for the number 1 player in the Southern Belt Region. What do you do, Jeff? I have a lot of friends at both places. In San Antonio, Citi has only about 6 or 7 branches. I thought that they might even consider pulling out of here, until this news. Walk-all-overya has about 15 branches here.
Sorry, couldn't help that last sentence
Still thinking about you Jeff! Keep on swimming and you will get there eventually!
Sara
Just wanted to see how you are doing and say Hi.
kat
Hey kat I'm hanging in there, W up to her same old crap.
She signed up to work the cafateria at the kids school on Tuesdays. Guess what she didn't show up Tuesday, didn't tell the kids, didn't tell the school.
Kids were wondering where she was at, I'm sure the school was too.
I heard her tell D9 that her hours changed at work and she couldn't get in touch with anyone at school to let them know.
I don't understand why she couldn't tell her boss that she has obligations to attend to on Tuesday afternoons.
Busy night of laundry - happy hour tomorrow night for co-workers birthday, so I'll get some me time for a little bit
Still swimming
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Sorry to hear that. It seems like they are teenagers or something, can't be responsible or reliable. I do think my H always used to be more responsible & reliable than he is now, hopefully he will get a little more like that at some point or I think he'll regret that. I just have zero expectations at this point, and that way I don't get disappointed! Karen
Do you have time for a riddle? Take my name for example(include the numbers), add what the ugly duckling turned into, at another version of yoohoo. Can you solve it?
kat
Her priorities are soo messed up....
Your kids are lucky to have you, Jeff. Thank goodness they have a great father.
W still taking stuff out of the house, doesn't bother me, she is working on cleaning out the entertainment center. I pulled down all of our wedding pictures and every picture of us together in the house about a month ago and put them in the bottom of the entertainment center. She took all of them but left photo album of our wedding proofs. I've been boxing up stuff that I don't want for her to take with her and I'm going to put the wedding proofs in there for her to take with her.
I had a bad dream last night, woke up at 4:00 am screaming mad. In my dream I was with my W outside a strange house and she went in. A man appeared and she looked like she was going to kiss him but instead looked at me outside the door, she then did kiss him. I was banging on the door trying to get in to go after the OM but I couldn't get in, I was screaming and banging on the door, then I woke up.
When am I going to get this crap out of my head. I laid in bed praying to God that he ends my torture and helps me move on. That brings someone else into my life, that I find love again.
I'm being polite to W, we are planning D6 and D6 birthday what we are getting them, etc. We are discussing our schedules for the month, W tells me about every little penny she spends on the kids (I never say anything) I wish I didn't have to deal with stbx but because of the kids I have a life sentence with her
Favorite part of my day going to go pick up the kids they remind me of 4 little baby birds sitting in a nest all chirping for the worm, when we get home its the same thing I'm hungry, I want this or I want that. D9 and I are going to make banana bread tonight, homework, baths, reading to S5 dinner, dishes, folding laundry is what I have waiting for me and I'm happy about it because they are with me
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Hi Jeff,
I'm sorry this is still so hard on you. I suspect it will be for awhile yet.
When my wife was having her affair last summer, I dreamt one night that I was choking her. Not a traditional, two-hand-strangehold-around-the-throat, but I had one hand all jammed up in her face, as I rammed my THUMB down her throat -- HARD.
I woke up horribly disturbed, and even told her about it. It was terrifying, to know that I even had that kind of rage in me.
Thankfully, I never had a repeat of that, or anything else like it.
Puppy
Change your locks. She should have gotten what she needed the first time around, now she is just stealing.
I am sorry that you are still hurting, I suspect there will be a number of triggers throughout the year. Time to make some new memories. Hang in there.
kat
I'm so sorry, Jeff. I would think doing these things would be just as painful for her.
Hey Jeff,
Sorry about the dream. I had one Sun night pretty close to that. Take care of yourself and the K's.
I still have nightmares sometimes too. Always amazes me. A week or 2 ago, I had something like 4 or 5 nightmares about H. Scary!
I pray too. I used to order God around: bring my H back. Then it was: let me find new love or new R. Now I just pray for me to accept whatever comes and let Him decide what's best for me. Is that progress or not I don't know, but I do feel more peace lately, most days anyway.
I do know that even though sometimes I have my bad moments or days, good days seem to be happening more often now, so I think things get gradually better. ((((Jeff)))) Karen
Thank you all for being here for me, Puppy, H4H, yenko69, wdid, Kat, Cat, Sara, germ, and everyone else. I continue to keep you in my prayers and if you are reading this I want to tell everyone what a brilliant person Karen is:
When I read what Karen wrote below chills ran down my spine
I pray too. I used to order God around: bring my H back. Then it was: let me find new love or new R. Now I just pray for me to accept whatever comes and let Him decide what's best for me.
This is totally true, I shouldn't be asking God to do this for me or do that for me or help me or have pity on me me, me, me, me, me, me, God must think I'm a child.
GODS WILL BE DONE That's it no more no less; you are right on the mark Karen
I have so much work to do, I know I can do a better job with the kids, I know I can do a better job taking care of myself a better job taking care of our home and a better job taking care of my friends.
Will continue to do what I did with W this morning, no expectations, she followed me around telling me she couldn't take kids this weekend or next weekend she went into a dissertation about what she has planned, I just said OK no problem, just tell me when you want the kids.
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.50 days
If we could just DO this, think how much better we would feel. karen, that WAS a great thought.
Jeff, we all have a lot of work ahead, but sometimes we have to keep our expectations of ourselves in check. Our expectations can be WAY up there. Need to bring them back down to a human level sometimes, you know. As long as your doing your best, that is what counts. Its all we can do.
Your doing a great job. Thats what I have to do. Leave it in His hands. He'll take care of the rest. Made me think.
H4H: As long as your doing your best, that is what counts. Its all we can do.
Thats just it H4H, I know I'm not doing my best, I've been in a fog with everything that has been going on. I've been struggling to find my way out of the fog.
I know I can be a better father, a better friend, a better neighbor, a better manWatch out world when I find my way out of this fog
Gods will be done
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.50 days
You are a good man, Jeff. You are striving for the best you can be and that's a good quality. It's what God wants, too.
Just don't be so hard on yourself. You've had to get through more than most right now.
(((((( Jeff))))))))
Thanks WDID and H4H - quick note, went to store up the street mom and pop store, lady that works there ask where W was at, without blinking an eye S5 said she moved away. (not a problem)
What got me was D9 quickly spoke up and said no (S5 name)she is at home. This worries me a little, maybe she is a little embarrassed about what her mom did, I'll have to keep an eye on D9 - I don't know if I should sit down and talk to her about it.
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.50 days
What got me was D9 quickly spoke up and said no (S5 name)she is at home. This worries me a little, maybe she is a little embarrassed about what her mom did, I'll have to keep an eye on D9 - I don't know if I should sit down and talk to her about it.
That sounds like a good idea to me, just be casual and ask questions when you're cooking or playing with her or doing something together. Karen
I've changed my prayers around through this whole mess. Now I have landed on "Please help me keep my kids healthy and happy." I figure that covers me too, since I'll be happy if they are happy.
(((HUGS))) Jeff. This stuff is hard core difficult and painful.
Funny, I used to hate the dreams where H cheats on me. Now I welcome them, because the reconciliation dreams are awful. So hard to wake up and start the day knowing its not happening.
I only had one bad nightmare this whole time (Xh was in the hospital very hurt on a gurny and I was yelling at the doctor's to let me get to him because I am his wife and the doctor's kept saying: no you aren't!" We were still married at that point and it just really bothered me. Especially when I woke up and XH was still out with the OW and wasn't home at 4am).
Jeff...my heart hurts for you right now. I am sorry that you are going through this. I am so glad that you have your children. They are a blessing. I am confused about praying for God's will but I just pray that God gives me the strength to make it through the day.
Sara
Hey everyone, I'm still here, haven't posted in almost a week, thank you for looking in on me.
I've been very busy and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better, have a father daughter dance and several soccer games this weekend. Taking the kids camping the following weekend and Halloween party at my house the weekend following that.
W is constantly in my thoughts still, I haven't had any more bad dreams lately. Pray to God all the time (is this his will ?) (is this what he wants for me ?) I'm very confused as to why I'm in this situation or where my life is going.
W came over yesterday (everyone was off school/work) and took the kids for 2 hours to pick out their Halloween costumes. I was out shopping and when I got home W and kids were inside my house. W was very melancholy. When she gets like this, all kinds of stuff runs through my head, from did she wreck her car or is she pregnant or sick or what.
People still calling my house asking for W, I keep telling them she isn't home, would have thought word would have reached these people by now, especially girl from our church.
Working hard, craving love, hoping for a better future.
I know I can be a better father, a better friend, a better neighbor, a better man
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
Jeff, we can ALL be better. Remember, I think I already said that we may not BE the best, as long as we're TRYING our best.
Use your prayers to have God protect over you and yours. To thank Him. To praise Him. Not to question him. You have been questioning and questioning Him. Let it go and just leave it up to Him. Not ours to ask why. We can only follow where He leads us.
Take care.
I am just wondering why you are telling them that she isn't home? As hard as the truth is, she doesn't live there anymore. That was a big hurdle for me. It took me almost a year to say we were separated, though not legally, and by then he had filed.
Life doesn't always deal a fair hand, the trick is to still win the game with the hand we are dealt.
Hugs, Jeff. I am still keeping an eye on you.
kat
I was wondering the same thing. Unless he just doesn't want to deal with the questions afterwards.
"She not? Where is she? Can I have her number? What happened?" Blah blah blah.
Keep up the good work, Wells Fargoan
The reason, I don't say anything is I don't want their pity (I don't know if pity is the right word) I hear it all the time and it gets old Ahhhhhh !!! what happened, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do, If you need anything you know you can call.
and yes H4H the questions "She not? Where is she? Can I have her number? What happened?" Blah blah blah
I know they are just trying to be nice, but I feel like a big failure and I really don't like all the questions.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
The reason, I don't say anything is I don't want their pity (I don't know if pity is the right word) I hear it all the time and it gets old Ahhhhhh !!! what happened, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do, If you need anything you know you can call.
and yes H4H the questions "She not? Where is she? Can I have her number? What happened?" Blah blah blah
I know they are just trying to be nice, but I feel like a big failure and I really don't like all the questions.
I still think you should be telling the truth and not dodging it like that. I usually get 2 reactions: shock and they don't ask questions, or I do get the pity but if you assure them, don't worry, I'm fine I'm doing great. It reassures people. Friends just will make sure you're ok. I didn't tell my friends until right before he moved out, they thought everything was ok, but it was actually a relief for me to start being honest and let them be a support system for me. Honesty is always the right way to go I think. And the "big failure" thing. I hope you don't really believe that, b/c I don't think anyone would agree with that and certainly not me. Your W is just messed up and that has nothing to do with you! ((((Jeff))))
Karen, I've always been successful at work, with my family and friends, I was always proud of my W and family, I worked so hard to make W happy, I know I didn't fail W because I would have done anything to make her happy
WDID Quote: Unconditional love, commitment, forgiveness, patience, understanding,......
My love for W was unconditional; I was committed to our M and was willing to do whatever was needed to show my W how much she was loved, I was patient with her and tried to be understanding but my biggest hurdle is forgiveness for what she has done to me and the children
I'm completely dark, no contact, speak only when spoken to, provide her with minimum required paperwork (schedules, school events, birthday parties, etc) to keep her updated about the kids. They say it will take years for her to come out of her fog and I don't plan on waiting.
They say time heals all wounds and I guess it hasn't been long enough yet so I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
called me several times yesterday, we talked about all the stuff we have going on with the kids (D6 & D6 will be D7 & D7 on Sunday), soccer games, parent teachers conference, etc. W was complaining how much work she has that she works 18 hours a day up at 5:30 am - I didn't say anything would be too easy for me to complain also.
(She complained when she was living with me about how much work there is taking care of the kids and the house, now that she doesn't have to do that, she complains about something else)
She told me over and over during the course of our conversation how she appreciated everything I do. About the second or third time she said this I could hear her voice cracking and a pause like she expected me to say something. I remembered everyone here, what did everyone tell me - actions speak louder than words - so I never acknowledged her compliments.
She also told me if I ever needed her for something to call her -I didn't say anything - would never ask her for anything
W picks up the kids every morning to take them to school, she arrives a little after 7:00am, her and the kids are out the door at 7:30 am. I don't count this time below under Amount of time WAM spent with kids because it's only a 1/2 hour every day. I do think the kids need to see their mother and we aren't divorced yet so I put up with her taking the kids to school.
W broke down this morning - crying (I wanted to reach out and hold her but I didn't) she was crying about how much she has going on in her life and she cannot keep everything straight. I could tell she was crying before she came over to the house, she seemed to be keeping it together but when she came outside to talk to me, I told her that the kids lunch money for November needed to be turned in today, she asked if I had the paperwork filled out and I told her that I gave it to her two weeks ago, she went to her car and found the paperwork and thats when she had the major breakdown - wow, I didn't say anything I just stood there and watched her cry, she pulled herself together and went back inside with the kids, I followed shortly thereafter and continued with the morning routine of cleaning the breakfast dishes, getting the kids ready to go, turning out all the lights in the house, making sure the dogs have food for the day, etc.
Sorry post is so long
They say time heals all wounds and I guess it hasn't been long enough yet so I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
She told me over and over during the course of our conversation how she appreciated everything I do. About the second or third time she said this I could hear her voice cracking and a pause like she expected me to say something. I remembered everyone here, what did everyone tell me - actions speak louder than words - so I never acknowledged her compliments.
She also told me if I ever needed her for something to call her -I didn't say anything - would never ask her for anything
W broke down this morning - crying (I wanted to reach out and hold her but I didn't) she was crying about how much she has going on in her life and she cannot keep everything straight. I could tell she was crying before she came over to the house, she seemed to be keeping it together but when she came outside to talk to me, I told her that the kids lunch money for November needed to be turned in today, she asked if I had the paperwork filled out and I told her that I gave it to her two weeks ago, she went to her car and found the paperwork and thats when she had the major breakdown - wow, I didn't say anything I just stood there and watched her cry
Jeff,
Well, this is ONE "somebody here" that doesn't agree with this -- at all.
There is no compassion here. Would it kill you to say a simple "thank you" to her? That's just a common courtesy, that we extend to each other as fellow human beings, much less to the mother of your children.
And there's nothing wrong with hugging her, briefly, and saying something morally neutral like "I hate to see you hurting" (unless maybe you LIKE to see her hurting???) or "I'm sorry you're in pain."
Look, I know this SUCKS for you, and you also know that I'm one of the biggest hard-asses on the board for "never rescue an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery." And I DON'T think you should even
validate her simple complaining, much less
agree with it, so I have no quarrel with the first part of your post.
But to not say simple "thank-you"s or "goodbye"s or whatever, or to hug a fellow human being who is hurting . . .
can you not separate the sin from the sinner?Puppy
Puppy: Well, this is ONE "somebody here" that doesn't agree with this -- at all. There is no compassion here. Would it kill you to say a simple "thank you" to her? That's just a common courtesy, that we extend to each other as fellow human beings, much less to the mother of your children.. But to not say simple "thank-you"s or "goodbye"s or whatever, or to hug a fellow human being who is hurting . . . can you not separate the sin from the sinner?
Puppy, I think I'm the biggest hardhead on this site, I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to be her confidant, she has OM to complain to, she has OM shoulder to cry on. I don't like to see anyone cry but I don't think it's appropriate for me to have any contact with her physically or emotionally
How can you separate the sin from the sinner if the sinner keeps sinning, where do you draw the line.
If you think I should show her some compassion, I can still save the day I need to call her to confirm something for tomorrow, I could ask how she is doing and say I'm sorry that she is having such a hard time - it just doesn't feel right, I'm not her friend
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
Jeff,
The Bible says we are to forgive "seven times seventy" times -- effectively, "infinity" times.
That being said, forgiveness is an intensely personal thing, and between you, your God and your own conscience. I wasn't even telling you to FORGIVE; I was trying to encourage you to just show some basic COMPASSION and COMMON COURTESY.
You have every right to not want to. But you can be "right" and still have it eat at your insides.
Is this what you want to teach your kids?
Puppy
Puppy, I know the passage well Matthew 18: 21-22
Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven"
I called W several minutes ago, told her I was calling to find out how she was doing, she said she was better, that she has so much to keep track of, work her dad, the kids and with everything going on someone last night made her feel bad (hurt her feelings), they said something to her that upset her and since then she has been a mess.
I said ok, I was just checking in on you to see how you were and I'll see you tomorrow morning (she has to take the kids for the day because I have to work at the concession stand at parish soccer fields) She thanked me again for checking in on her and we said goodbye.
I have a problem with forgiveness, I stated it may times before (when will I forgive W = never) I called because I need to be the bigger person, and I'm not so cold I do care that she feels bad. I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
You kick a dog so many times the dog learns to avoid you
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
Maybe you should think of her as an assistant of sorts. She comes and takes the kids to school and just talks to you because she doesn't know what else to do. You could always tell her that when she tells you about all the going ons in her life it bothers you and would like for her to keep it to just essential info.
But let's also think of her as the assistant that just started crying, perhaps you would hand her a tissue and say I am sorry you are upset today. Maybe even rub her shoulder, if you don't want to attach tooo much. Think of her as someone you know and that you have to "work" with because circumstances call for it, but you don't need to be overly friendly with.
Just a thought.
kat
That's a great way to put it, Kat.
Jeff, I'm glad you called her. Forgiveness isn't easy, but it IS a decision.
Puppy
Yeah, that's the confusing thing figuring out how to deal with a WAS and all that stuff. I like Kat's idea too!!! Have to remember that myself if H gets all teary someday (that's a joke)
but I think that's perfect, an assistant you work with, it's a great way to visualize that!
Karen
Thanks everyone for checking in on me
I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
How does it work when your in love with the assistant and after work the assistant goes home to her boy friend. How does it work when the person you love is not capable of loving you back. I pull completely away from her because being with her hurts so much. I pull away from her becuase I'm afraid of getting to close to her and having my heart broken all over again. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have anything to do with her. I want to forget her and just move on with my life.
You kick a dog so many times the dog learns to avoid you.
John Mayer Dreaming With A Broken Heart lyrics
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not
Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love
Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't
Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
[quote=JeffSTL]Thanks everyone for checking in on me
I just don't know how to act around W so I pull backHow does it work when your in love with the assistant and after work the assistant goes home to her boy friend. How does it work when the person you love is not capable of loving you back. I pull completely away from her because being with her hurts so much. I pull away from her becuase I'm afraid of getting to close to her and having my heart broken all over again. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have anything to do with her. I want to forget her and just move on with my life.
I relate to all that too. I think you have to detach and move on in that kind of sitch. This past week I didn't email or phone H once and said just a few words to him last time I saw him. Probably a dozen or so. Friendly, but detached. Not quite the same as being a friend. I think you have to detach for you. You could try to work on being a little friendly, but I don't think you should try to be her friend. I think she really needs more like the help of a C in my opinion. Does she see one or would she be willing to? Or if she is seeing one maybe she needs to switch to someone else? Maybe that's what you could suggest something like that next time she is clearly in pain? ((((Jeff)))) Karen
Thanks everyone for checking in on me
I just don't know how to act around W so I pull back
How does it work when your in love with the assistant and after work the assistant goes home to her boy friend. How does it work when the person you love is not capable of loving you back. I pull completely away from her because being with her hurts so much. I pull away from her becuase I'm afraid of getting to close to her and having my heart broken all over again. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have anything to do with her. I want to forget her and just move on with my life.
You kick a dog so many times the dog learns to avoid you.
John Mayer Dreaming With A Broken Heart lyrics
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not
Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love
Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't
Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.58333 days
Jeff, that's all very heartfelt, and I'm not disputing ANY of that obvious pain. You're overreacting to my point. All I suggested was for you to add some common "please" and "thank you" courtesies in your interactions with your wife, especially in front of your children. If you don't feel you can do the hug part, then don't do that, but saying "thank you" and "goodbye" and such shouldn't really be that difficult.
You've done -- and are doing -- MUCH harder things than those, and admirably so.
Puppy