My Mt. Everest . . . - DivorceBusting.com

Alright I thought I would share this with you. (I edited as best as I could)

Quote:

[Sounds of someone puking]

There I go--thinking of you again

[Chorus]
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me f#ckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you I puke

I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little poem
But all for the tone would probably be a little more, more suitable for this type of song--whoa
I got a million reasons off the top of my head that I could think of
Sixteen bars, this ain't enough to put some ink ta
So f#ck it, I'ma start right here I'll just be brief I'm
Bout to rattle off some of the reasons
I knew I shouldn't go and get another tattoo of you
On my arm, but what do I go and do
I go and get another one, now I got two
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Now I'm sittin' here with your name on my skin
I can't believe I went and did this stupid sh*t again
My next girlfriend, now her name's gotta be Kim
Shi-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-it
If you only knew how much I hated you
For every motherf#ckin' thing you ever put us through
Then I wouldn't be standing here crying over you
Boo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-who

[Chorus]
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me f#ckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you I puke

I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little letter
But I thought a song would probably be a little better
Instead of a letter
That you'd probably just shred up--yeah
I stumbled on your picture yesterday and it made me stop and think of
How much of a waste it'd be for me to put some ink ta, a stupid piece a
Paper, I'd rather let you see how
Much I fuckin' hate you in a freestyle
You're a f#ckin' coke-head slut, I hope you f#ckin' die
I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye
I hate your f$ckin' guts, you f#ckin' slut, I hope you die
Di-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-ie
But please don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or mad
It's not that I still love you, it's not 'cause I want you back
It's just that when I think of you, it makes me wanna
gag-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-ag
What else can I do, I haven't got a clue
Now I guess I'll just move on, I have no choice but to
But every time I think of you now, I'll I wanna do
Is pu-uu-uu-uu-uu-uu-uke

[Chorus]
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me f#ckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you, I puke

Fu#kin' b$tch

Puke - Eminem

That's what my H had my ringtone on his phone set to for awhile. NICE HUH?
Yeah it made me REALLY angry . . but I never said anything.
So eventually he changed it to that Staind song "Right Here Waiting" I think it's called.

Anywho . . I am downloading that Eminem CD and I realized that was the song he had for ME.
Thought I'd share my revealation with you all.

Quote:

How far are you from Richmond?

About 1 1/2 hours. Depends how fast I drive.

Well that's the meeting point then because that's about how far I am from Richmond, too.

Emily, I'm sorry for hijacking.

Just one more though...

T2...I happen to know someone in Richmond that might help us find something fun to do....I'll look into that.

Sounds good to me!!!!

Hi guys.
Sorry I haven't been around . . . a friend came down so I wasn't bored after all.

So STILL no word from my H.
So I just tried to give him a buzz (to find out if he was late getting home . . he was still in FL yesterday when we talked . . or so he says)
BUT . . . his phone is "shut off" as in I get the message saying this user no longer has service.

SO . . . I am thinking he bailed again and even got his new phone (as he was planning to do with weekend anyway).
So . . . now I really have no way to get a hold of him about anything. Not even related to the girls.
What a wonderful father . . . I always knew he was a great husband *eye roll here* . . . but jeesh.

Yes . . I know I expected this . . .but it still put my stomach in a knot.
How low.
He calls and sweettalks . . even yesterday . . .
and then he just changes his number and runs?????
WTF???

Now I could be wrong . . and it could have gotten shut off and he isn't home yet . . but how should I know.
How frustraighting . . . I feel like we were taking some real steps there for a minute and he turns tail again.
At least I didn't have all my hopes and dreams in him again.
Although I was looking forward to seeing him.
I guess it could still happen.
I guess only time will time.
Until then . . .
This is Emily . . upset but not crushed.
A little heartbroken . . but not devastated. . .
waiting for a good slap in the ole eye . . . from you AmyC.
Love you all much!
Thanks guys.
I'll be around!

Quit ASSuming, would ya???? Geesh, you sure like to borrow trouble.

Ellie

Quote:

This is Emily . . upset but not crushed.
A little heartbroken . . but not devastated. . .

Reminded me of some lyrics...

"...pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure, His joy's gonna be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning!"

Now chill.

And why were YOU calling HIM anyway?

Don't answer that.

My current song . .

If I hadnt made me, I wouldve been made somehow
If I hadnt assembled myself, Id have fallen apart by now
If I hadnt made me, Id be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But thats more than I can allow
Bow, aww yeah

If you let them make you, theyll make you paper mache
At a distance youre strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them f*ck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, theyll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray

You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself

Make yourself
Make yourself

If I hadnt made me, Id have fallen apart by now
I wont let them make me, its more than I can allow
So when I make me, I wont be paper mache
And if I f*ck me, Ill f*ck me my own way

Pow, f*ck me in my own way
Pow, f*ck me in my own way
Pow, f*ck me in my own way
I'll f*ck me in my own way

You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself

Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

Make Yourself - Incubus

So still no word from H.
His phone says, "The user you have called temporary does not have service. Error Message (whatever)."

I will answer you Amy . . already did actually. . . I called to see if he was just still on the road or if he was turning tail again.
As many times as he has done this . . . I should know EVERY sign along the road.

So yup . . . . once again . . . .

I am GOOD at letting myself get played.
I wonder if I'll ever reach the no more point?
Do you think any of us here ever do?
Or will I honestly sit here for years waiting for this "man" to come back?
If he called in two weeks and wanted to come "home" again . . I'd tell him to come visit . . . is that stupid?

I ALWAYS say, "If I'm going to screw up I'm taking it ALL the way." I guess this is NO different.
I'm willing to go the WHOLE way into f-up land just to see this sucker through.

September 11 is my conference date for the support. I asked a friend if she could see about getting the day off and taking me. So then my parents could watch the girls and I feel it would be MUCH less stressful that way.
She's looking into it for me.

This is wonderful. It's a rainy gray day . . and I'm going to wonder all day if he's going to show up or not.
GRRRRRR. . . .
I'm actually pretty darn angry.
He probably got his support papers lastnight when he got home and got so p*ssed off he decide to say F her!
Oh well . . . .

What can I do? My hands are literally tied here!

I just wanted to add that I mostly feel calm but it's like there are a bunch of bats flying around inside me every great once and I awhile.
I call it "batwings"
Like "butterflies" (GOD I HATE THIS . . that's why he calls her butterfly) are suppose to be excitement . .
batwings are when you are anticipating something bad coming.

I'm doing alright I guess. . . but I sure could us some reinforcement.
I prayed lastnight . . .
and I actually felt a black "cloud" leaving me . . . and I felt TOTAL peace for awhile.
But after tossing and turning ALL night . . . the seed has been replanted and I am starting to panic.

Well Great-Grandma just stopped by . . to give Felina her b-day card . . and she said that, "Grandma and Suz. (MIL and SIL) are definately coming up today"

So . . . I HAVE TO CLEAN!
YIKES!!
Don't know what my H is up to . . I'm guessing he's not coming . . . but at least they are coming to see the baby.

I'll be around later!
Work to be done!

lol - I get batwings everytime my H asks if we can 'talk'.

The 1st time it was to tell me he wanted a divorce.
The 2nd time was to tell me he was seeing someone else.
The 3rd time was to tell me he'd been to see a lawyer and try to threaten me into filing on him.

I'm not keen on 'talking' anymore!

I hate the MIL clean the house type of clean.

{{{{IMO}}}}
....... I feel like I need to move out and start over.

And my house is always really clean my one friend says I get up at the crack of dawn and use a toothbrush to clean everything.

LMAO.. Good Luck Emily... be beautiful. I know you can have a great day. You are a great MOM.

GOD BLESS...

I agree to the move out and just start over.
What worse is I don't have real vaccumm. So mine is like that Swifer Flick thing only you plug it in and charge it and then use it.
It's a cool little dirt devil . . .
anywho . . . it hasn't been plugged in . . . OOPS.
So I am waiting for that to charge up.
Oh My . . .
I am hoping my H comes with them and sees his daughters.
Crossing my fingers and praying to God.
I am almost done I think . . . as long as my bedroom stays closed (I threw all my crap in there . . LOL)

One room can be dirty.
Well I have to go finish Felina's bedroom . . . and mop my floors!

BYE GUYS!

Well I just talked to Thelma (Great Grandma) again and they called and told her they weren't coming because "Kevin got sent to New York City with his truck" . . .

He told me he had to be there SUNDAY at 9 PM . . .
So . . . he was going to still come up . . .
I guess he chose to change his phone and stay down there with her.
Sh*tty.

Nice of anyone to call and tell me.

I guess he's made his choice.
Must be he started to enjoy the time spent with her.

I really am totally out of the running now!
I wonder if he'll really file for the D now?

I guess I was more excited about this weekend. . . at least him dropping her . . .
but he didn't.
He changed his number and left me in the dust again.

I am angry and sad.
I figured I'd at least get a call telling me to f-off. It's not like I have caller ID.

So . . . I'm not sure exactly how to proceed.
I mean I know I'll be fine . .
But I sure am going to miss having him as a friend.
I did really enjoy talking to him.
It's hard to just lose everything about him and move on.
I thought if I could at least keep him as a friend I'd really do great.
But . . . as long as he's with her . . I'm outlawed as are his children.

It's just more broken promises . . .
I should be numb to it by now.
I'm not totally though.
Please tell me what you think.

Quote:

I guess he's made his choice.
Must be he started to enjoy the time spent with her.

I really am totally out of the running now!

Emily, everyone who reads this thread is puking right now. You don't want to be "in the running" for Kevin right now. That's disgusting. Nor do you wamt to file for D right now. What you really want is to leave Kevin alone and keep him at arm's length to give him a chance to grow up and change.

I can only imagine how difficult that is for you. I know you are lonely. I'm lonely too. But it's the best thing for the long term.

Emily,

Kevin is not worth the effort it would take you to spit much less all this time spent pining away over his sorry ass while he's screwing Cassie and you sit at home TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILDREN and desperately hoping he'll throw a crumb your way while the shadow of what COULD be self-esteem finally showing up gets shoved to the back burner YET ONE MORE TIME!

When are you gonna get it?
HE IS A PIECE OF CRAP.

Can he change?
Certainly.
But he shows absolutely NO desire to do so.

Let him go.

Your only other choice is to stand still, keep the status quo and let him choke the life out of you, Felina and Kiya's Mommy.

Quote:

Emily, everyone who reads this thread is puking right now. You don't want to be "in the running" for Kevin right now. That's disgusting. Nor do you wamt to file for D right now.

I ment out of the running as his wife. Not his lover. I did not mean this sexually.

I don't plan to file.
What I said was, "I wonder if he'll file for the D now?"

I almost feel like he was calling the other week just to make sure I am still hanging around waiting for him.

I wish I wasn't.

Quote:

What you really want is to leave Kevin alone and keep him at arm's length to give him a chance to grow up and change.

I can only imagine how difficult that is for you. I know you are lonely. I'm lonely too. But it's the best thing for the long term.

No choice but to keep him farther away than that.
Like I said he changed his phone number. I have no way to contact him about anything.
The loneliness does hurt . . . I wonder what "the long term" holds. . . a D?
Why am I going to continue to hurt when it's headed there anyway?
Sorry Amy I don't remember what you wrote . . I'll have to post two seperate times . .

Quote:

When are you gonna get it?
HE IS A PIECE OF CRAP.

Can he change?
Certainly.
But he shows absolutely NO desire to do so.

I do get that he's a peice of crap.

Promise.
I just thought he was gonna drop her off . . and start to show the desire to change.
Boy was I ever fooled.
I feel like an idiot.

I don't understand why HE called ME and did all this once again . . only to do NOTHING about it.

Quote:

Your only other choice is to stand still, keep the status quo and let him choke the life out of you, Felina and Kiya's Mommy.

I have let him go.
I mean what other choice do I have.
I just keep hope that he'll come back.
Are you saying I should just shut the door and move on?
I'm sooo confused.

I'm STILL confused.
I feel a little better this morning.

Now I'm wondering if he isn't trying to get my hurt and mad and upset enough to file for the D.
Well he's got another thing . . .I'll drag the damn thing out as long as I can if/when he does finally file.
I got games I can play too . . . he's not the only one with tricks up his sleeve.

Emily,

You are focusing too much on HIM. You need to focus on you. Don't worry about a D or anything else to do with him. You are letting yourself get worked up again. He is out there having a good time while you are home with the kids. You need to let go. Letting go does not mean file for the D. Letting go means start living for you and the girls.

You are in for a long ride and you need to be prepared. As I was told in the beginning: Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I don't want you to think I am saying your H will never come home because I am not. Ask yourself, do you want your H to come home while he is in his own world? If he came home right now, he would make your life more miserable.

I think it was a good thing he didn't come by this weekend. You are not ready for it. You would have melted in his hands like chocolate. You need to be stronger before you confront him.

As hard as it is, try to go without thinking of him 24/7. When you stop living your life for the day he comes home then you will start living YOUR life again. You can always hope but not dwell on it.

Today marks 18 months that my H left and he has mentioned the D word quite a few times. He has not done anything about it yet. If they want a D, they would do it as soon as they could. These men don't know what they want. Your situation is a little more complicated since Cassie is involved. I don't have another woman in the picture. I can be thankful for that. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if there was another woman because then I would feel I had someone to compete with.

You are smarter and stronger than you think. A year ago I was the same as you. I thought of my H 24/7 and cried constantly. My life was a living hell. (not that it is 100% great right now) I have learned to live for me again. This separation has made me a stronger person. I have grown from it. I am a better person because of it. As weird as it seems, my H has become a better person and grown from it too.

Try to enjoy the last bit of the weekend.

Thanks t2sp.
I really don't have time to just think about him 24/7.
I used to a lot more than I do now to be honest.
It's getting easier.

I think a lot of the problem is, that if he can move on with his life (I.E. being with her like they are married basically) then I don't understand why I "can't" just do the same.
Please don't get me wrong . . until our D is final I wouldn't want to be with anyone else because it's really no different than what he is doing. EXCEPT that if I am just waiting for him to file then we both understand that our R is over. HE was with her while WE were suppose to be working on US.

I know I don't need another man right now.
I guess I hate that I am just waiting for him and I can't even go on a date or anything . . . is it making sense?

I am moving on . . . I don't have a choice. I have to do new things often to keep myself and the girls taken care of.
I certainly don't rely on him for anything . . although I can't wait to get that support. That will be a welcomed break.

I hope it slaps him in the face too. Might sound ignorant . . but maybe it'll make him understand that they ARE HIS RESPONSIBILITY even he never sees them.
Well see how it goes.

I feel like I am in hole the depth of the grand canyon . . trying to start climbing just to get up Mt. Everest base height.
I am feeling terribly frustraighted today.
Angry really . . . . I don't understand why he always runs away . . he could have at least called.
He would have given her that much.
I HATE HIM SOMEDAYS and today is one of them.
I had the worst dream . . .
I mean it was just awful all around.
Basically one of kids died and he missed everything. About a month after the funeral he finally called asking how everything was . . and I explained that I had tried to call and I had called his mother and no one ever got in touch with me.
It was awful . . . I woke up crying.
I just don't understand all the feelings I am having now.
It's like I know I'll be fine without him, and I did FULLY expect him to this . . . . it's the way he did it again that hurts so much.

It's just a guess but I think you are at that last point before you will begin to detach.
Sometimes detaching comes by the most basic instinct of self-preservation finally kicking in.
Don't panic.
It doesn't mean you won't still love him.
It just means you will no longer be living for him and will finally start living for yourself.

I'm sorry and I know this is hard but you need to be exactly where you are.

Amy

Emily, this page is something I read regularly. You should really read it every day ... it would really help you a lot.

Detachment page

" . . . nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle."
That's from One Headlight - The Wallflowers.

I'm not panicked . . . but I am thinking about leaving this site.
I love you all very much . . you've done so much for me. BUT I am tired of fighting this one man battle.
I don't really feel that there is anything left to save.
By staying here and doing all these thing I feel that I am hurting myself because I feel like I will do them all with the expectation of him EVENTUALLY (even if it took years) coming back.
I don't want to wait years for him to make up his mind.
I think it's time for me to make it up for him.
It's time for me to leave his sorry a$$ the way he keeps leaving mine.
Not that I really have a choice . . since he's done it once again. BUT I can choose to close the door and NOT let him coming knocking again.

I am simply done. That's my detachment.
I'll be around for awhile . . while I cool off and think somemore.
But I am just plain tired . . . through and through . . . I'm tired of waiting . . . I just want to be happy.
I just want someone who will love the girls as much as I do.
Someone who can REALLY be there .. . and he NEVER has.
I'm ready to be done with him.

Thanks for everything guys.
See ya later.

Quote:

" . . . nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle."
That's from One Headlight - The Wallflowers.

I'm not panicked . . . but I am thinking about leaving this site.
I love you all very much . . you've done so much for me. BUT I am tired of fighting this one man battle.
I don't really feel that there is anything left to save.
By staying here and doing all these thing I feel that I am hurting myself because I feel like I will do them all with the expectation of him EVENTUALLY (even if it took years) coming back.
I don't want to wait years for him to make up his mind.
I think it's time for me to make it up for him.
It's time for me to leave his sorry a$$ the way he keeps leaving mine.
Not that I really have a choice . . since he's done it once again. BUT I can choose to close the door and NOT let him coming knocking again.

I am simply done. That's my detachment.
I'll be around for awhile . . while I cool off and think somemore.
But I am just plain tired . . . through and through . . . I'm tired of waiting . . . I just want to be happy.
I just want someone who will love the girls as much as I do.
Someone who can REALLY be there .. . and he NEVER has.
I'm ready to be done with him.

Thanks for everything guys.
See ya later.

That's the dumbest thing you have written and it chaps my ass, Emily.
If any one of us could get off this ride that easy, we sure as heck would have.

It ain't over yet, Emily.
I know you're tired.
Most of us are.

But you're not done here yet.

Amy

Quote:

If any one of us could get off this ride that easy, we sure as heck would have.

It is that easy. It's all about choices.
I can choose to sit like I have been for what 8 months when he is married to another women in EVERY way except for by that peice of paper.
What . . . that's the only tie I still have to him is that damn peice of paper.
He's gone . . . I'm simply closing the door and starting over.
It's been done . . . but I've just kept thinking that some miracle would happen and he'd come back even though he's been with her for 8 months.

HOW STUPID OF ME!
I'm done being stupid.
This is the FIRST smart move I've made in 8 months!

This broke me today . . .

Quote:

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

Lips of An Angel - Hinder

I BAWLED . . I thought my lungs were coming out. I litterally cried until I was puking.

I cannot fight this fight any longer.
I cried and cried and just kept saying, "I just want him to come back . . I don't want to hurt anymore." and I realized I don't have to hurt anymore.
Just once . . .I'll just cut him out of my life and the pain will only be once.
I just appologized to poor Felina over and over. I kept telling her I wanted him to come be with her and I wanted her to have the family I couldn't.
HE won't give that to her nor I. . .
I cannot continue this fight . . .
I am soo sorry if it chaps your ass or pisses you off . . . I am sorry for "failing" . . .
it all hurts too much.

Go ahead, Emily. Find another man who will temporarily ease the pain and start this cycle all over again. We'll see you here again, though, because you'll still have the same issues and it will happen all over again.

You can't run from reality, Emily. You've got to face it. If you try to run, it'll catch up to you anyway.

Bye.

Yup, that's very true. I ran and blamed all the problems on my 1st M on my XW. Never looked deep enough to see if there was anything that I did or could have done differently. What happened to me? Well here I am 14 years later and in another troubled R. I'm not running now and will let W figure out what to do with our R. In the mean time I have figured out a lot about myself and will continue to work on that. Not trying to tell you what to do, it's your choice and decision.

Emily, I am not going to pussyfoot around with you and you damn well know it.

Cut and run if you are so inclined but AS someone that ran for years UP TO AND ALL THE WAY THROUGH a MLC, I'm telling you you will not outrun this, your issues are deeper than Kevin. Hell they are why you MARRIED Kevin!

One day, a few years up the road, when life has delivered another punch in your gut, you're going to be standing and looking at yourself in the mirror and every damn thing you THINK you are walking away from now is going to be looking right back at you.

Deal with this now, Emily.

You'll never outrun it and the wolves will always be at your door.

You can bank on that.

Amy

I don't understand why it seems that my poor choice in who I married is going to "hunt" me down years from now and cause me pain.

Sure I have issues. . . I've said it more than once . .RB you are the one who threw the mirror at me and told me to look there first.
But I don't see the problem in closing out the horrible chapter with my H and starting a new life.
No one said I was going to run right out and find a new man to try and dull the pain.
If it happens great.
But I don't see a point in waiting around on my H.
The way I see it . . he made his choice 8 months almost 9 now when he chose to kick me out to be with her.
They are all but married now. Living and breathing each other as life now. WHY should I continue to sit in limbo when he's made his decision.
I see no point in staying in a loosing battle . . . when I can give up with him and move on.
I can have a good life. I can be happy . . . it just means cutting him the hell outta my life.
It's not really an option . . .he made the decision . . I am simply surrending to his will.
I mean if I REALLY love him it's the best thing I can do. I mean let him go . . let him be happy.

Besides as I have said . . I have no choice. He has changed his number . . . no contact. . .
I haven't heard from him since Thursday.
He doesn't love me . . . maybe he never did.
I don't know . .
Maybe I'm confused. . .maybe it'll get clearer.
I don't see this as running.
I am not TRYING to run from anything.
I am TRYING to face the cold hard fact that my marriage is over. the man I loved walked away and found another. He left our children fatherless. . . he left me heartbroken.
I am trying to face the facts so I can truly move on with ME and have a normal happy life.

I'll tell you what . . . that doesn't mean being with him.
I don't see how you all think that when he's been with her EVERYDAY for the last 8 almost 9 months . . .he's going to end up fighting his way back to me.
It's simply NOT going to happen!!!

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But I don't see a point in waiting around on my H.
The way I see it . . he made his choice 8 months almost 9 now when he chose to kick me out to be with her.
They are all but married now. Living and breathing each other as life now. WHY should I continue to sit in limbo when he's made his decision.

I tell you why. Can't you see that what you are saying is contradicting yourself? I mean if he has really made his choice why hasn't he divorced you? I mean in 8-9 months that is plenty of time to a least be 3/4 way through a D, or at least 1/2 way. So, the reason you sit in limbo it to make that SOB actually make the decision. Why do you want to be the one to step up and let him off the hook for recking your M? I look at it like if he is big enough to cause all the heck, then he can be the one to step up and face the music. To face that he divorced you so he could be with OP.

I'm at the point where I'm not going to let my W off the hook. I feel like if she is big enough to go and sleep with OM and wreck our M, then she can be big enough to push for a D. Only difference is that I'm at the 4 month mark. I'm not going to let it slow down my GAL activities and even if we got back together that won't stop the either. I just look at it like I'm going to be who I am whether I'm married or not.

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No one said I was going to run right out and find a new man to try and dull the pain.
If it happens great.

You've said as much on several occasions. You "need" the sex, and you "need" the affirmation that you're a good and lovable person. You wrote this just a couple of days ago:

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I guess I hate that I am just waiting for him and I can't even go on a date or anything . . . is it making sense?

Emily, just a couple of days ago you were desperately hoping that your H would come to visit so that you could try to start working on your marriage with him. Now that he didn't come, you're ready to "close the book."

Stop the drama, Emily. Stop making choices based on temporary moments of emotion.

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I mean if he has really made his choice why hasn't he divorced you?

He's been too busy spending all his damn money her . . that's why.
He hasn't had enough to file. . . it's decently expensive.

I am NOT going to let him "off the hook" . . I will not file for the D. I am just going to start living as if I am already divorced. I'm done, that's all there is to it.

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Emily, just a couple of days ago you were desperately hoping that your H would come to visit so that you could try to start working on your marriage with him. Now that he didn't come, you're ready to "close the book."

No $hit RB . . I've been sitting around for 9 months now WANTING HIM TO COME HOME. It isn't happening. NOT NOW NOT EVER.

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Stop making choices based on temporary moments of emotion.

Go tell HIM that.
I am making THE RIGHT decision.
It's stupid to think that when someone leaves you for someone else. . they'll ever come back.
A fling is one thing.
But when he's planning on having children with her . . when he is going to marry her . . . when they have a TOTALLY new life . . . it's absolutely RETARDED to think . . it'll ever be the same.
IT WON'T.

Sorry . . . I'm not defending myself anymore. I am done and that is that.

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Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late

Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind

Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late

So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind

You never call me when you're sober
You only want it cause it's over
It's over

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine

So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up your mind

Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence

Thought I'd share that with you all.

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Kevin is not worth the effort it would take you to spit much less all this time spent pining away over his sorry ass while he's screwing Cassie and you sit at home TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILDREN and desperately hoping he'll throw a crumb your way while the shadow of what COULD be self-esteem finally showing up gets shoved to the back burner YET ONE MORE TIME!

When are you gonna get it?
HE IS A PIECE OF CRAP.
AmyC . . that's from you

Why am I going to continue and sit and wait . . . when all the advice points to closing the door. Locking it and throwing the key out.
I cannot continue on the merry-go-round.

I am trying to NOT throw that self-esteem on the back burner.
I am trying to keep it from freezing over right now.
You all yell and scream that I shouldn't want to be with him . . . but the second I make that choice . . you all freak out about that too.
What the heck am I doing so wrong?
I just must not get it.

Emily,

Yep I said that and I stand by every word of it.

I wanted you to start having a little self-respect and demanding the same from Kevin.
I didn't want you to put up with his crap anymore but that doesn't mean throwing the baby out with the bath water.

You are looking for the one thing one of us says to you that will justify (in your mind) you giving up on Kevin so you can start running the roads in search of his replacement which, by the way, will be a carbon copy of him.

It's a simple process and a win-win situation.
Let him go (that does not mean you stop "standing").
GET A LIFE.
Work ON YOURSELF.

If you do those things, you can't lose.

If he comes back and you live happily ever after, you've won.
If he doesn't, but you have grown and learned from the experience and dealt with your own demons, well you've STILL won.

And you won't end up repeating the same mistakes all over again.

If you stop now, you will do JUST THAT.

And then don't you know your girls are going to grow up and be just like Mommy?

Is that okay with you?!

Look at yourself honestly right now Emily and tell me it's okay for your girls to be just like you when they grow up...

Is that what you want?

Because that's what you're going to get.

This is not me being judgmental either.

I've stood in the mirror and asked myself that same question about my little girl and my answer was a resounding NO!

My answer quite truthfully is STILL a resounding NO but I know one thing, my kids make me want to be a better, stronger, smarter person that makes better decisions and they are the reason I'll do the grunt work to get there.

Yeah, we SHOULD have had it all together before we had kids but if we'd waited for that most of us would still be childless.

Do what you're going to do.

But I'll be damned if you're gonna use MY words to justify being a coward.

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Why am I going to continue and sit and wait . . . when all the advice points to closing the door. Locking it and throwing the key out.
I cannot continue on the merry-go-round.

I am trying to NOT throw that self-esteem on the back burner.
I am trying to keep it from freezing over right now.
You all yell and scream that I shouldn't want to be with him . . . but the second I make that choice . . you all freak out about that too.
What the heck am I doing so wrong?
I just must not get it.

This is going to sound weird but, don't shut the door on your marriage but don't sit and wait either. You need to let go and just live. You said something about living like you weren't married, that isn't the way to go. Just live for you and your daughters. Don't go out there looking for a new relationship of anything because all it will do is confuse you even more. I went down that path. After my H left, I was alone and miserable (just like you) and I thought a one night stand or another relationship is what I needed. It wasn't. Thank goodness I never did anything. I was looking for it though. Luckily, the person I was introduced to had higher standards than me and didn't take advantage of my vulnerable state. He and I have become friends and that is all. I don't know if I would have crossed the line with him if given the chance but I was thinking about it. The only thing it did for me was confuse me and make me question things even more. I do realize from that situation that I love my H more and won't do anything to jeopardize my marriage. (whats left of it anyway)

I think what you need to do right now is just accept that your H is not with you. You need to let go of all the hostility and move forward. I can tell you from reading your posts that even if your H came home it wouldn't work because you have so much anger built up that you would explode on him. Until you can learn to handle your anger, you need to stay away from him.

Don't contact him at all. He will contact you. Right now he knows you will call him or get in touch with him. He knows you are angry and he does a lot of this stuff to keep you that way. This is his way of controlling you. Don't let him do it. He knows you would take him back in a heart beat. Let him think you won't. If he calls, answer once in awhile and act as if nothing is wrong.

Do things to take your mind off of him. At first you think you can't do that but then when you do it comes as a shock. The first time I went a few hours without thinking about my H it upset me. I thought it was wrong of me to do that but it wasn't. I live a much healthier life now that I don't think of him 24/7. I can actually get out and enjoy myself at times. Of course certain things I do I tend to wish he was there beside me but then I just push it to the back of my head.

It gets easier. You will get stronger. Just give it time. We all have plenty of that!! You have to ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving. Do you want to be with your H? If you answered yes, then you need to just take some steps back and let go. Don't think of him. Don't think of her. Don't even think of the big "D" word. You made the comment that he hasn't filed because it was expensive...if he wanted to file, he would find a way to come up with the money. Heck, why would he file? He has his cake and eating it too. He has his OW that is with him now but has you to fall back on if that doesn't work out. You need to let him think you have moved on. Give him something to worry about. As long as he knows you are waiting for him, he won't ever make up his mind.

Do this for you and your girls. Your girls are the ones who suffer through this. Mine are older and I know the first year was the worst for them because of me. I cried all the time to the point of throwing up. I didn't want to do anything. I stayed in the house all the time and wouldnt go out. I finally realized I was doing them more harm than good. I needed to live again so they could live.

Go back and read some of your posts and you will see why everyone is confused about your reactions. You are so up and down with everything. Try not to even think about it. (easier said than done)

Go out today and if the sun is out, enjoy it. Go for a walk with your girls. Play a game with Felina. Enjoy your time with them. Sooner or later you will get a job and you won't have this time with them. Enjoy it while you can.

Quote:

If you stop now, you will do JUST THAT.

And then don't you know your girls are going to grow up and be just like Mommy?

Is that okay with you?!

Look at yourself honestly right now Emily and tell me it's okay for your girls to be just like you when they grow up...

Is that what you want?

Because that's what you're going to get.

The real difference is that they will at least have ONE parent who loves them. One who never gave them up . . .I've already shuffled the deck in their favor.
My sister (biological) has had 3 children . . . she kept 1.
There must be something in the genes . . I don't know.
That's not the point here though.

No I do not want them to have feel the things I feel now. I don't think I'm bad though . . I think I've done alright. If they could have my strength and perserverance (sp?) I would be OK if they turned out something like me.
I would d@mn proud of anyone to eat as much $hit as any of us/you here on these boards take.

I just don't feel like standing anymore. . . not for him.

Quote:

You are looking for the one thing one of us says to you that will justify (in your mind) you giving up on Kevin so you can start running the roads in search of his replacement which, by the way, will be a carbon copy of him.

Didn't I just say that I wasn't looking for a new R.
You are probably right though . . . I will look for any trace in anyone I meet.
But doesn't everyone have a type.

From talking with my X (boyfriend) . . . WHO I HAVE STAYED FRIENDS WITH SINCE WE BROKE UP . . us talking is NOTHING new. He is getting remarried and I am terribly happy for him. He and his new girlfriend are planning on coming up sometime . . so they can meet the kids and she and I can meet. Don't freak out about this . . I know you did before RB.
Anyway . . . from talking to him . . I realized that he and my H sound A LOT alike . . . accents are different though . . but I always have to talk to them for a minute before I realize who exactly it is.
WEIRD! They are totally different in personality . . . but their voices are eerie!
Everyone looks for certain things in the people they are with right?

Quote:

It's a simple process and a win-win situation.
Let him go (that does not mean you stop "standing").
GET A LIFE.
Work ON YOURSELF.
I am TRYING. . . I need to shut the door before I'll feel truly able

If you do those things, you can't lose.

If he comes back and you live happily ever after, you've won. He WON'T
If he doesn't, but you have grown and learned from the experience and dealt with your own demons, well you've STILL won. Why not start this process now . . instead of waiting for him make up his mind. I can do this . . I can work on myself . . . without him choosing whether or not our R is over.

Quote:

But I'll be damned if you're gonna use MY words to justify being a coward.

I don't really understand how walking away now . . . after I've tried to wait . . I've tried to allow him back . . AFTER I HAVE TRIED . . how is that being a "coward"

Quote:

Don't contact him at all. I can't anyway . . he changed his phone number
He will contact you. I doubt it! Right now he knows you will call him or get in touch with him. He knows you are angry and he does a lot of this stuff to keep you that way. This is his way of controlling you. Don't let him do it.
He knows you would take him back in a heart beat. Let him think you won't.
I won't take him back. PERIOD
If he calls, answer once in awhile and act as if nothing is wrong. If he calls I'm telling him to lose my d@mn number and I'll see him in court.

Quote:

You have to ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving? Not any more
Do you want to be with your H? No

Quote:

The real difference is that they will at least have ONE parent who loves them. One who never gave them up

I agree Honey. I never had one parent who loved me and I grew up with my Mother. She was absent most of the time in her own world. I chose to be nothing like her and I know that with just a handful of love from her I would not have taken this long to become me and love myself.

..... Never ever stop loving your daughters or yourself. May the Queen and the Princesses reign in your home and go otu of your way to make them always feel loved ... Please ......and do not forget to pamper yourself too. I will catch up with your sitch later and add my two cents but I read this and head to respond.
God Bless...

I'm finally standing up for myself and my girls.
I figured you all would be proud, big deal that it means cutting him out.
Who cares?
He's not worth time you are absolutely right.
AND the girls deserve better than anything he could ever give them.
Honestly . . I know I'll get yelled at for this . . but rip me a new one if you'd like.
I hope him not having the children he NEVER deserved anyway rips his damn heart out.

Emily,

Please do what you need to do and know that I AM proud of you for being willing to do what you have done so far, even choosing to walk.

You're right.

Kevin does not deserve those children and it WILL rip his heart out one of these days.

I think there is a place, a line, where you could stand for your marriage and work on yourself while he's off pissin' in the wind not appreciating you OR your efforts....but perhaps you are right and you do need to let go completely.

Kevin is extremely dysfunctional and you tend to fall into the same behaviors when you are in contact with him.

I know there is so much more to you than that so I hate to see it.

Please do work on yourself & continue to grow through this difficult time.

You have so many issues and I know we all do, but you are so young it makes me feel like I want to look out for you sometimes - not that I can necessarily make a difference...I just really wish I could spare you.
Like with our children though, there's only so much we can do and so that's the point I have reached with you.
I don't know that I have helped at all but I do know there is nothing else I can do from here.

Keep my email and contact me any time you feel like it.

I mean that.

Love ya,

Amy

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You have to ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving? Not anymore Do you want to be with your H? No

If you don't want to be with him or if your marriage isn't worth saving then why are you letting him get to you like you are? Please don't think of me as fussing with you or anything because I am not. I am just concerned for you.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

Quote:

I think there is a place, a line, where you could stand for your marriage and work on yourself while he's off pissin' in the wind not appreciating you OR your efforts....

He won't let me find that line.
I am just a yo-yo to him, a toy.
I don't think he really loves me anymore. I just think he likes that I sit and wait . . . I think he likes having two women. It makes him feel worthwhile and manly . . or SOMETHING.
Makes me sick . . and it rips my heart out.

This marriage isn't worth my time anymore . . it's gone to far down the toilet.
I guess I'll look around for that line Amy . . .
See what I can see.

Right now I see closing that door to him as the only option . . otherwise he's just going to keep barging in and then slamming it back in my face . . . look what he's done so far.
These past few times I've dropped contact . . . I stopped calling and let him go . . and he calls me crying and begging to come back . . so I say . . OK we'll work on that . . . and SLAM! right in the kisser.
What's the point? You tell me (anyone) . . . is there one?
What's the point of hoping against hope?

Quote:

If you don't want to be with him or if your marriage isn't worth saving then why are you letting him get to you like you are?

Because I did LOVE him VERY much . . . I gave him my all. Even after everything I stuck around and tried to make it work. Hence I came here.
Also because I feel like I've landed the worst jail sentence you can get. .
I mean 19 years of uncomfortable contact with a person who I loved sooo much. 19 years of him being in my life through my children, I will always have to remember all of this because it will always being staring at me through their beautiful faces . . . and it's all because of him.
These are the choices he has made . . I feel like I am left cleaning up his mess.

I am feeling much more calm tonight.
Went to Wal-Mart and spent some money . .

Doesn't that always help.
I got the newer camera of Kiya and Felina developed! TOO CUTE!

I'm thinking more and more about that line Amy . . . maybe I'll find it.
I'll go back through the advice you all have given.
Sorry I am soo frustraighting . . .
hoping to hear from you all soon!

Morning Emily glad to see you are making efforts to feel better !!!!
Have a great day honey ,,, You desrve it and many,,, many more...

GOD BLESS...

Well I'm still here I might be laying flat on my back trying to catch my breath . . BUT I'M HERE!
I'm ready to pick up and move on.
But what you Amy and RB and StevieRay . . . must have registered somewhere . . . because I'm ready to wait.
It'll be tough . . because I have a feeling things will come to a real head after the support conference on the 11.
I thinks that's probably why all this happened this weekend in the first place.
But the way I see it is "If he's "man" enough to make these kids . . he damn well should be man enough to take care of them in some way shape or form."
Am I right??

So right now I am trying to find a Detached but Not Done point.
I detached alright enough that I wanted his truck to blow up with him in it . . .

hee hee
anywho . . .
I'm looking for that line Amy.
I'm not done.
I'm not letting him off the hook . . I'm not going to give him the chance to play the victim and paint me as bad guy . . which is EXACTLY what he'll try.

Thank God for peace and small miracles.

I'd appreciate any and all advice on how I should go forward from here.
Thanks All!
Hope you are well.

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I'd appreciate any and all advice on how I should go forward from here.

Just live each day for you and your girls. That is really the only thing you can do.

WRONG T2,

I found something ELSE she can do...

Go HERE

HILARIOUS... HAVE FUN WITH THAT ONE EMILY.. AMY is always watching out for you ,,,
how blessed you are honey,, again have agreat day..
God Bless...

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WRONG T2,

I found something ELSE she can do...

Go HERE

YOU ARE SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I loved it!!!!!!!

Way TOO COOL!!
We're going to have to keep that link in every thread.
Well Kiya has a regular doctors appointment today .. . so hopefully I'll find out how much she weighs now.

Thank you all for sticking with me . . and really kicking me in the a## when I need it.

I have been thinking . . . and the next time my H calls should I tell him I'm moving on . . . make him really face losing me . . . or what should I do.
I mean everytime he walks away like he ends up calling at some point. Maybe this time will be different but assuming it isn't what should I do?

Emily,

ZIP IT.

DO NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE HIM AT THIS TIME.

If and when he calls, say hello.
Ask how he is if you feel like it.
Tell him about the girls, how they are etc...
Do not talk about the relationship AT ALL.

If he brings up the relationship, you can feel free to tell him that since he has obviously already made his choice, and since you have decided that you will not allow him to go back and forth any longer, there is nothing to discuss.

Then END the call (say the baby is crying if that's what it takes) saying "Drive safe. I'll talk to you soon".
AND HANG UP.

THIS IS DBing and this is YOU standing up for yourself and demanding better treatment because that is what you DESERVE.

One more thing..

THEN FREEZE!

The ball will be in his court and you can rest assured that if you do this, you will FLIP HIM OUT

And that is precisely what NEEDS to happen.

Then hustle your butt to the computer and tell us what he said!

Thanks.
I don't bring up the R . . . everytime it gets talked about it's been him.
I usually say things like, "How are you doing." "Are you doing OK?" "Hope you are happy." (NOT Sarcasically either) etc. . . just like you would a friend.
I don't push anything.
I certainly won't. . . I am sort of still hoping that he will just stay gone this time. That's probably wrong and I know it goes against all DBing . . . but it's just the way I feel.
I'm tired of hurting because of him.

Kiya's appointment went well she now weighs 10lbs 4 oz! So she's grown quite a bit since she was born.
She got three shots and wasn't very happy. . .
I do have to run right now though she's starting to wake up and get hungry!
Have a good one guys . . I'll be on later when everyone is in bed

Well nothing to update about my H. Contact is still at zero, maybe he's really done this time even though he never called and told me ANYTHING. That really frustraights me!

So . . . my Dad went to the ER at some point lastnight. He's still there this morning. They are doing an EKG and MRI.
I guess he was going to let the dog out and he just collasped in the kitchen. He has 14 or 15 stitches in his lip. Last update I got he was real dizzy and was having trouble staying awake.
They still didn't know what had caused it or what was wrong now. But since he has high blood pressure and is over 60 they want to make sure before they send him home.

My family seems to be falling apart at every seam in can find. We must just be sickly. . . .

Supposed to be kind of a joke.

So that's what's going on today.
I am still trying to find that line Amy . . . I still really feel like just walking away and saying F-U pal . . .
hmmmmm . . . . and yet I wish he'd call and let me know what happened.
I am REALLY angry at him about TOTALLY missing Felina's b-day. Not a card or a note or ANYTHING.
So I'm hoping that I won't have to send her a card with some money in it and her Dad's name tacked to the bottom until she's old enough to just realize he's a shmuck and it's not that he doesn't love her.

I just feel ready to fight him because I will NOT allow him to hurt my girls. I feel like he is gunning for them emotionally. Until he shows them some SHRED of respect he's done . . . . in all books included theirs.
When he grows up and can keep a steady feeling . . then I'll allow him in their lives. Until then it'll be too many ups and downs.
I'm not allowing that to happen. He's the only thing keeping himself out of their lives . . it has nothing to do with me really.
When they get older and get mad at me for keeping their emotion intact I'll completely understand and cross that bridge when it comes.
Until then I am looking out for their best interest and as long as he stays on his current "warpath" those interests do not lay with him.
This is a branch of the high road I think. . . . maybe not but it feels like it.
I am more than willing to let him see them . . . once he gets his head straight . . . which it isn't right now.
You all know that.

Am I in the clear here . . or are ya gonna start the yelling?

Hope your day gets better and your Dad is ok,,,, I already sed a Prayer for him..
God bless...

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Am I in the clear here . . or are ya gonna start the yelling

Ummmm...it's a little early in the day to know for sure so I'll get back with you on that.

Emily,

Something you have to understand is that you can't think so far in the future as far as how Kevin treats his relationship with the girls.
It's just not something you will ever be able to shield them from and you can't pull off trying to be Mommy AND Daddy.
They'll hurt because of him if he doesn't change.
The best you can do is love them through it and always reassure them that they are worthy and it is their father that is missing out.
He will SO regret it later.
Time has a way of ENSURING that.
Emily, don't ever speak bad about Kevin in their presence.
EVER.
You think I don't want to tell my kids their Daddy is a freakin' slug for draggin his ass for so long?
Heck yes I do.
But I don't.
Because he's their Daddy and I'm not going to put them in the position of having to defend him.
They are children and he didn't do that when I was lost and I am not going to do it now.

Life itself, along with aging, changes people Emily.
You do not know who Kevin will be next week, next month or next year.
But you CAN know that you are growing and getting better & stronger in the meantime.

Thanks Amy!

I would NEVER bad talk Kevin in front of the kids.
I understand how damaging that would be.

But you are right people can change!
So that's why I said when he grows up and starts showing THEM the respect they deserve he can be in their lives.
Until then I think it's best he stays away.

OK now my Mom called and said that this is what happened lastnight:

The dog never came to bed (they have a little dog, Shih Tzu mix so he sleeps with them) and in the middle of the night he was barking. My Dad got up to let him out I guess.
Mom said she heard him bumping into things and grumbling. So then she said she heard a HUGE crash (like a cupboard got ripped off the wall), then she heard an animal like noise (growling/groaning noise) and it kept getting louder. She thought a bear had come in the house or something . . . so she went downstairs to check it out. She said my Dad was laying with all this arms and legs straight to his sides (he hadn't even tried to stop the fall) and there was a HUGE ("CSI big" were here exact words) puddle of blood under his face. She thought he was dead. She checked and found a pulse at which point he asked what had happened. She got him cleaned up and back up into bed (it's like 5 stairs) and then his left arm started to hurt so they called my BIL and they all went to the ER.
All of his tests (EKG, MRI, etc) came back normal, but they are keeping him overnight.
He got he stiches because he bit right through his upper lip.
So we'll see what happens.

That's all for now!

Good grief Emily!

I'm so glad they are keeping your Dad for the night.

I am praying for him.

Hey Emily,

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I will say some prayers for him.

I agree with what AmyC is telling you - deal with you and your girls. Let all of your worries about your H go. Your H is not ready for you and it seems anytime he is around or his says he will be around or call - you get a little "Wacky". Look back in your posts - you will see. When he is away from you you feel better, more independent, more focused on you. Anytime he says he calls and then doesn't or is supposed to stop by - you start obsessing and getting crazy....

It's okay, my W drives me crazy too

! But look at this no contact time as a time for Emily to build a stronger Emily - one that cannot be taken down by any word or action that your H does or says he will do. I think later down the road you may have a chance to make a decision about your R/M - but right now you don't. You may even find later that he simply is not for you - because he won't change. Unfortunately he has to want to change and quite frankly - he doesn't have it in him now.

Stay strong angel! You sound better and I hope you keep this momentum going. I will pray for your Dad.

(((((((Emily))))))))

God Bless,

Santhony

Sorry to hear about everything going on at the moment.

I'll add you to my prayers.

I am so lonely today.
I can't figure out what is wrong with me.

So terribly lonely. The regrets are all starting to fly now.
I don't remember feeling this way before.
I don't like it.
Maybe it's just a new phase of letting go . . . BUT it's not one that I like.

I do miss him . . . but not so much HIM now . . it's the way things used to be, I miss having someone with me. I don't know.
You know how people say, "Do you love him or the IDEA of him."
It's that feeling.
But I feel so damn lonely . . . and for some reason it feels like I'll feel this way forever.
Anyone go through this???

I guess it's probably because tomorrow will mark a week of no contact with him and usually between one and two weeks he'll call . . . I think I'm worried that he won't.
I'm worried that he really is done . . . so here's stupid me standing with the door open waiting to see if he comes back and he's gone for good . . and I never really got to make up my mind about loving him or not.
I'm scared of letting him make that decision for me.
What choice do I have though???

Quote:

Anyone go through this???

Been there, done that and am currently going through it again.

That's the thing I hate the most and I will run as long as I can to keep from crying.

That'll be right up until my head hits the pillow again tonight where I will cry myself to sleep.

I laid on the couch the other night watching tv and tears were just pouring down my face.
I never made a sound.
I can't even tell you what I was watching on TV because in my head I was only watching my marriage slip right through my hands.

THAT is BY FAR the WORST part of this NO MATTER which side of the fence you are on.

But Emily, this is where you're learning and growing.

If it were not so, I'd come get drunk with you.

Hang in there

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Anyone go through this???

I go through it every day. I try to stay busy so as not to think too much about being lonely. I hate sitting at home watching tv by myself, I hate going to bed by myself. I have a large stuffed teddy bear that I have dressed in my H's clothes and I sleep with it. I know that probably sounds strange, but it helps me.

It gets easier. The lonliness doesn't go away, but you tend to learn to live with it. I have my meltdowns where nothing anyone says or does helps. I cry over toilet paper commercials. The only thing we can do is cry and let it out. I always feel better after a good cry.

By crying I always feel like I am focusing too much on it.
I guess it is the only way to let it all out.
I went the other way . . .instead of keeping the BIG stuffed dog he gave me this year for V-Day I took it ALL out to the shed. There it sits with all the spiders and earwigs.
I hope the damn thing rots.
I am still too angry.
Why he spent like 25 bucks on that dog when he was still technically dating her . . . it makes me mad to look at it.
That's where all of our memories are.
Except for the couple of pictures in my daughters scrapbooks and of course the peice of glass I think I got stuck in my foot from the one picture of us that shattered but the picture is stuck to the glass so it all just stays around.
Everytime I step down I think of him. . . . it's like thorn stuck in your side . . . only it's glass in the ole foot.
I mean I asked God for some sign as to what he wanted me to do. Not what I had in mind . . . pain.
AYE!
I don't even know if that's what it was . . .but it sure seems to fit.
He causes me pain . . but just like the damn glass in my foot . . I can't get him out.
Know what I mean.
Sounds good Amy (getting drunk). . . I had a little to drink a couple nights ago . . just so I could actually get to sleep.
I finished off my Jager (there wasn't but a shot left) . . . and had some So Co . . and had a few beers. Just enough to take the edge off. . . I felt much better.
Said a prayer and fell asleep without crying for once.

Anywho . . .
I just feel like I've run from these feelings so long and now I can't run anymore. It's a little overwhelming.

I just wanted to share this song.
It's from a band that actually spawned locally

Time to take life in stages
Fireworks in July
Pages turn

I'm doin' it my own way
Until the year is done I will pray that
Somethin sent you my way
Take your coat off and stay for a little while
I'll help you carry the load
So you don't have to walk down that same old road

This is a new style of life
Leaves fall in October
Stages burn

I'm doin' it my own way
As the winter brings cold I will pray that
Somethin' sent you my way
Take your coat off and stay for a little while
I'll help you carry the load
So you don't have to walk down that same old road

I can't explain this to you
I can't explain how I feel now
Don't run away
Don't run way when I scream

Time to take life in stages
Fireworks in July
Pages turn

I'm doin it my own way
Until the year is done I will pray that
Somethin sent you my way
Take your coat off and stay for a little while
I'll help you carry the load
So you don't have to walk down that same old road

That same old road
That same old road
That same old road

Backstreet Law - Stages

If you've never heard of them and you have Limewire or something close . . . you should check out that song!

Well they think that my Dad's blood pressure meds were too strong and caused a drop in his blood pressure and that's why he was dizzy and passed out . . . he'll come tomorrow.
WHEW!

Nothing else new...
I'm tense tonight for no real reason.
Just stressed and as I said all those regrets are catching up with me damn fast.
I always said I wouldn't regret anything . . . but I'm starting to.
Any advice?

Keep treading water, Emily.

It'll get better soon.

I promise.

Thanks Amy!

I have nothing new to say this morning.
I'll be around today.
But I really have to reclean my house . . . it's already fallen apart again . . Felina sure is good at making a mess.
Hope you all are having good days!

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But I really have to reclean my house . . . it's already fallen apart again .

It is a never ending battle. You clean and within minutes it looks like you haven't done anything. I can relate to this. It doesn't get any easier as the kids get older.....they just have bigger "toys" that sit around.

All her "big toys" (her kitchen set and table and chairs) are upstairs in her bedroom.
Not that she ever plays with them like I had hoped she would. . . I thought it would buy me some extra Z's in the morning . . . but nope.

I've gotten the worst of it taken care of. It doesn't look like a total disaster zone anymore.
I'm pretty satisfied.

Well today marks a week of no contact with my H.
That's sad. . . . why is he such a jerk?

Quote:

All her "big toys" (her kitchen set and table and chairs) are upstairs in her bedroom.
Not that she ever plays with them like I had hoped she would. . . I thought it would buy me some extra Z's in the morning . . . but nope.

She will play with them as she gets older. Mine did the same thing. She will play especially when your baby grows up some. They will enjoy it together.

Quote:

why is he such a jerk?

I don't think there is an answer for that....

Hang in there sweetie, ,you are doing well. I love housework too. LOL
When I become a millionare

... {{{ in my next lifetime..}}}I will get a maid for you and I. Take care honey...
God bless...