What would Michele say? Q & A- He says he doesn’t love me.



I really love my husband.  We are on the brink of divorce.  For about 4 years now he has told me that he doesn’t love me 10 times, 4 times just the last year.  I am really hurt by this and can’t get past the fact that he does this.  He says he says it when he is mad, but I feel if that were true then he would show me he loves me when he isn’t being mean.  Most of the time it happens when he is TDY or deployed.  But it happened again last weekend.  I told him I can’t keep hearing it-it hurts me too bad and he keeps promising not to say it and still does. I don’t know what to do, how to get past the hurtful things he says.  On top of it we have had sex two times this year.  He says he doesn’t feel connected to me and no matter what I have tried (positive and unfort. negative) it doesn’t work.  We have twin 6 year old girls, they are great kids, and we are able to get alone time.   Any suggestions :) Thanks.



It is that “Sticks and stone will break my bones but names will never harm me,” and nothing could be further than the truth.  Words do sting.  A lot.  But your husband isn’t taking you seriously.  Your words aren’t getting through to him.  Sometimes, especially with men, and especially with action-oriented men like your military man, you need to take action and stop talking.  He needs to feel that he might lose you if he keeps up this insensitive and unkind behavior.

I wonder if there is a place you can go with your girls if he tells you he doesn’t love you anymore?  Do you have a friend or relative you can visit for a while?  Also, if her pursues you when you are gone- which he might- you can tell him that your asexual relationship isn’t working for you either.  Let him know that you need more intimacy and closeness.

Furthermore,  tell him that you are getting used to being on your own and that you are doing ok without him.  Then watch how he responds.  If he comes closer, make sure that you are tough with him.  Hold the line.  If he pulls away, you can always reverse your position.  But chance are, getting tough will be a better way to approach this situation.  I bet you’re ready to do this anyway!

Look for support offered to you through he military.  Sometimes there are very good resource available to military spouses!

Hang in there,


About mwd27

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, marriage therapist, and professional speaker who specializes in helping people change their lives and improve important relationships. Among the first in her field to courageously speak out about the pitfalls of unnecessary divorce, Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together. She is the author of seven books including her best-selling books, DIVORCE BUSTING: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again, and THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido. Michele's work has been featured in major newspapers such as the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Wall Street Journal, and magazines such as Time, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, Essence, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Woman's Day, Men's Health, New Woman, and McCall's. Michele is a marriage expert on Redbook's advisory board, ClubMom.com and iVillage.com. She has made countless media appearances on shows such as Oprah, 48 Hours, 20/20, The Today Show, CBS This Morning, CBS Evening News, CNN, and Bill O'Reilly. Michele's Keeping Love Alive program aired on PBS stations nationwide. She recently completed a reality based show for the BBC about helping couples save their marriages. Michele maintains that her true expertise in helping couples have great relationships is derived from first-hand experience. She and her husband have been married for more than thirty years.
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  • Rachael Shayna Hibbardnelson

    Then he did not love from day 1 then

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