1. Join me for a 3-day Divorce Busting Intensive in Boulder,
2. Q & A "My Husband Isn't Interested in
|Advanced Divorce Busting
Intensive Workshop - November 3-5 - Boulder,
In the last few years, I have developed a new model for
working with couples experiencing very challenging problems.
Since recognizing that the real challenge in couples work is
combating hopelessness, I've developed tools for first,
reaching inside people's hearts - helping them believe that
good marriages are possible - and then showing them how to get
there. Although this approach incorporates solution-oriented
therapy, you will learn how to go beyond the limits of this
therapy model to access couples' marriage-saving,
family-preserving values and commitments in order to stack the
deck in favor of the marriage.
The Divorce Busting?
approach incorporates marriage education and insights that I
have gleaned from two decades of specializing in work with
couples on the brink. In addition to teaching this
comprehensive Divorce Busting? model that can be used in
clinical, pastoral or military settings, I will also show you
how to develop and market your own marriage seminar by
introducing you to two marriage classes you can teach "right
out of the box." Plus, if you're interested in becoming part
of my Divorce Busting? Coaching Team, this intensive is the
first step. If you work with couples and are committed to
helping them resolve their differences rather than dissolve
their marriages, you won't want to miss this intensive
I invite you to join me for this 3-Day
Advanced Divorce Busting Intensive. This is my favorite
workshop- three full days of hands-on information about
helping couples rebound from the brink of divorce, tons of
video examples and experiential exercises. Small group,
Boulder, Colorado, dinner together, getting to know other
marriage-saving kindred spirits.... what could be better?
Register now! Call Virginia at 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004 or
email email@example.com. You can also sign up
on-line at divorcebusting.com
$200 by registering before September 15th.
Q & A - "My Husband Isn't Interested in Sex"
I've been married for 19 years. My
husband always had problem with erections but it got worse
through the years. I guess it was like a vicious circle. I
felt it was me, he felt guilty. In the beginning I felt bad
and guilty too, later it was anger, resentment. I always was
the one who initiated sex. I tried to talk to him about it but
he always said that he would see a doctor to see what was
wrong with him but never did. As the years went by, our sex
life went from practically non existent to non-existent.
The last time we tried to make love (four years ago)
he got really mad at me because I told him that I needed a
sexual relationship in our life. I must say by then that I was
being very impatient at that point. So I made a decision; I
decided to not initiate sex anymore because If I did, we would
fight about it with no solution. He said that he was angry at
me because he was tired of being the provider in our
household. So we stopped communicating about our deep
emotions. Still, during the day, we would get along really
good. At night I learned not to desire him but the result of
this was for me not so positive.
So last November, he
started feeling really weird and told me the basic MLC (Mid
Life Crisis) sentence: "I love you but I'm not in love with
you anymore..." He was so different from what he was before
that I was devastated. He told me that it would be a good idea
if I left him alone for a while. So I left to Boston and went
to see my family. I came back 2 weeks later and I found him
the same way before I left; still in crisis. The tension in
the house was unbearable. I was crying every night and tried
to talk to him. It got worse...
He told me that he went to
see an urologist but he was fine physically. They tested him
for hormone level, etc... he even got a Viagra prescription.
MLC big time, but no OW in sight. He didn't know when he would
feel better so I asked him to leave the house for a while. His
response was negative. Why should he leave, he asked me. I
told him that it wasn't good for any of us, especially for our
17 year old son. I said that his behavior wasn't a good
example for our son. I decided to sleep somewhere else in the
house because I was crying every night in the bed. He acted
like nothing was happening. He started to be nicer like his
old self during the day. So I thought that he was getting
better; I went back sleeping with him. We even had intercourse
for the first time without Viagra. But he didnít touch me even
once. I felt pretty sad. No affection at all...
asked him about his behavior towards me but he says he doesn't
know how he feels. He say's he's kind of numb. Since then, I
moved out again from the bedroom and sleep better away from
him. He doesn't understand why I don't sleep with him. He
say's that we slept like that for years and asked me what was
different. I answered that everything was different. I didn't
want to continue like it was before October. I wanted to have
intimacy. He say's that couples who have been married for
almost 20 years live that way and that's the way it is.
Sometimes I feel like leaving him.
situation is really sad for me and I don't know how to fix it.
I know that he will never be intimate if I don't initiate it.
On the other hand if I do he says that he doesn't know if he
will reject me. I've been rejected so many times in those
years that I am burned out. He doesn't say he loves me
anymore. He used to say it often. I believe that he must be
angry with me and the way to show it is to reject me with the
intimacy. He controls that and I am helpless. He acknowledges
that and that's the way it is for now.
We tried to see
a sex therapist a few weeks ago, but my husband was too numb
to even try the exercises that the therapist suggested. He
said that he didn't like him so we stopped seeing him. Now I
sleep in another room again. If I try once in a while to talk
about our relationship, intimacy, the future, whatever subject
that involves emotions...he says that he doesn't know or has
Can this change? Do you know if there is
What can I do?
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish your intimate
relationship could be more of what you want it to be. Maybe
some day it can. It's too bad that your husband was so burned
out by the time you reached a sex therapist because I think
that could have been a real help to you both. Usually, sex
therapists suggest NOT having sex for a while and begin with
touching exercises instead. I hope that's what happened in
your case. It takes the pressure off.
There are lots
of reasons your husband may be feeling the way he is about sex
and I will cover many of these possibilities in my article in
Parade Magazine due out in March 2001, but for now, letís
focus on solutions instead. Here are a couple of ideas.
If, in fact, he has a great deal of resentment, encourage
him to talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable. Sometimes
resentment kills sexual desire. You need to know what's on his
mind. Don't debate or defend yourself. Just listen. If you
have tried to get him to talk, to no avail, here are a couple
of other thoughts.
There are so many great books out
there that offer sexual techniques for those having trouble.
Just go to any bookstore. Maybe he would read a book if he
could do it in private. Sometimes this is less embarrassing
than going to a therapist.
Also, there is more to intimacy
than an erect penis. Cuddling, hugging, and satisfying you in
other ways is something you both can do. If he didn't feel
under pressure to have intercourse, might he be more willing
to be physical? If so, let him know that you don't want to
have intercourse you just want to _____(fill in the blank).
There is no reason in the world that he can't satisfy you,
even if he's not in the mood. I know this isn't what you
really want, but I think it might help somewhat.
Finally, in the DB spirit the one thing I think you
might not have tried is to tell him that you love him and
accept him for who he is and that if a sexual relationship is
not something he is interested in right now, you will accept
that. You just want to feel closer to him. Now, before you
think I've lost my marbles, I am not suggesting that you go
for the rest of your life without sex. I found it curious that
even with all of your prodding, he went to a doctor when you
weren't around. When he stops feeling pushed, he acts. I know
you said that you stopped initiating, but I wonder whether he
felt your resentment coming through. I bet he didn't think it
was coming from a place of acceptance in you.
the meantime, understand that it's entirely possible that his
lack of desire at this point has less to do with you
personally and more to do with the way in which he anticipates
intimate moments...he dreads the failure. It's hard to feel
compassion when you are so hungry for intimacy, I know, but
try it anyway.
I wish you the best.
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