Been thinking about things last night. Talked to my DB friend Richie and realized that it's been 4 years since the first bomb.

I DB'd my heart out and we 'reconciled' but my needs were never met by her, I was always the one who put energy into the marriage and she was happy to be cared for.

I ended up crashing, turning to alcohol to feel better, and withdrew from life. Eventually OM #2 showed up January 2008 and the end of the marriage after OM #3 in August 2008.

I realize now that when things got really bad, I came to the rescue and 'saved' the marriage the first time. But she didn't ever try or do anything to make it work. Instead, when things get bad she goes into self preservation mode and does whatever she want s to make HER happy, regardless of the effects on the kids or me.

I'm probably going to be better off without her even though it doesn't feel that way. I think I'm fooling myself if I believe she will 'realize' what a mistake this is and change. The evidence just isn't there.

Regardless, my life is worth something. I have two great daughters who love me and I love them. There's a lot to live for and I think sometimes we forget that.

Just rambling a bit, wondering when I'll actually be divorced.
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