What a scary time that must have been. Wow, those are some high blood pressure numbers. Stress is serious stuff. I’m glad you’re on medication and taking it slower.
The human body is indeed an amazing machine. And the mind is incredible; affecting everything.
Originally Posted by Barranco
Lately I’m trying not to be a sob story but I’m failing miserably.
It’s ok. We all cycle and spin. They become less frequent and the depth lessens.
You have to go through these feelings and low points - hopefully a lot less stressfully. (((Hugs)))
Realize, you are not a sob story and not failing. Seriously! You are doing fine.
Your story has joyful times, like your birthday; and will have sad times as well. It is ok. It is normal. You need to feel that, and walk through it.
Feel sad, acknowledge it, work through it, and let it go. This does take time. That is not a sign of failing, it is a sign of healing.
I want you to think about this: Everything here, all the advice, the counterintuitive suggestions - it is all for you. Barranco is the most important person in this situation. You need to be healthy for you, and then others.
The stress you are causing yourself over H and his behaviour - He is not worth it. A concept and belief that takes some time to discover. Do not stress out over what H is doing, focus on you.
This absolutely gets better. Honest.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Dear Dnj Thank you so much for your kindness. I’m trying to get to the other side. I never disclose before the fact that I was still wearing my wedding ring, meant something, the touch, the sight gave me sometimes the hope, the strength. One of my fears the day of the TIA was loosing consciousness and waking up not being me, my fear is:was artificial life. On my way to the hospital I call H to meet me there. He showed up, he looked bother rather than worried. The monitor was showing 190 over some crazy number, at that moment he decided to be appropriate to repeat the information that he’s in love with this woman. I kept my hand over my forehead, he didn’t got any answer from me. When he went there the second time I asked him to please let him self out. Took me 72 hours for me to digest what had happened to me and the unjust vile action . I called him few days after, I spoke with him , I let him know how much I adored him, I told him that he was always be part of my life but the only way for me to move forward wasn’t about fixing the past, he is my past. While on the phone I took the ring out, put it in a drawer. I will always be in love with the person who doesn’t exist anymore, even if by some miracle he will be able to see all the damage he caused I can’t see him as part of my family in any shape or form.
I am sorry about H’s behaviour during this scary time; him telling you again that he is in love with this other woman.
MLCers have broken empathy chips. They really are self orientated. Remember this situation is all about him. From his point of view, from his deep dark depression - how does the affect me, how come I have to be here, etc... etc... blah blah blah.
He is in emotional turmoil and doesn’t know what he wants. He feelings are all over the place and cranked up to 11. He really cannot handle anyone else’s feelings or problems.
The MLCer is driven to run. Torrented beyond rational thought. Most really cannot handle any responsibilities, emotional pressure, conversations regarding decisions - especially death and other “big” topics. That’s one of the reasons he pushed your after death wishes, on to the kids.
MLCers cannot handle any pressure, and conversations are pressure. It is good, you told him your feelings and how you care - now leave that alone. Remember you are speaking with an irrational person. Emotionally childlike in how they handle things. Think young teenager, adolescent.
As an example, my XW in her quest for a responsibility-free life: Destroyed her child care business of 24 years, threw away our children (I have sole custody), threw away all rights to all properties, pensions, and other financial accounts, quit two permanent jobs(with benefits and pension plans) at two hospitals because she wanted to come and go as she pleased, and now mows grass and cleans houses when she feels like it. And on and on...
I do understand your feelings towards your wedding ring. I am an electrician so I do not wear jewelry especially the metallic kind. Aside from the entanglement hazard, gold is an excellent conductor of those electrons. Therefore I did not wear my ring at work only when going out. I do miss wearing it once in a while, however no where near as much as when I first put it away.
The taking off the wedding ring has no proper time or “correct” reason to do so. It is a very personal decision, and honestly who knows how our spouse will view it - and you need not worry about that. Do it for you.
I encourage you to keep your ring put away. You are just starting out on this path. Detachment, letting go, addiction to H, and such - all things to face and accept. Rings are a symbol - let it be a symbol of you letting go and focusing on you.
Originally Posted by Barranco
...even if by some miracle he will be able to see all the damage he caused I can’t see him as part of my family in any shape or form.
It’s good to get your feelings out. To see them, acknowledge, understand, and accept them. And this takes time.
Barranco, the future is unwritten and unknown. Don’t worry too much about it. The future will sort itself out.
If I might make another suggestion. Be careful with your word choices, they influence your thinking and beliefs. Can and can’t. Will and won’t. Be accurate in thought and heart.
When you say “I can’t see him as part of my family in any shape or form”, I get it, and it is accurate for right now. It’s emotionally driven. If you stepped back and look at this, really rationally, you cannot predict the future and if he will or won’t be part of your family. However, speaking and thinking like that will ensure that outcome.
The caution is - Your mind is listening, and will make your reality.
All these little thoughts, comments, actions, etc... both good and bad, all accumulate, add up, and alter one’s viewpoint, alter one’s beliefs.
You are on a very good path. Kindness and compassion. Keep the focus on you and keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Dear Dnj, Hi everyone. I definitely will try to make more cautious with my words choices. What I’m going through for some of you are echoing of a past, while I’m here I’m trying my best not to destroy foundations. Today I feel like running, running far, running without looking back. Maybe I can deal with this but my fears are in control, I just want to run. Just today I created a situation that started with a wish just to end up in a painful drama. My oldest daughter is planning to be engaged soon, I want to have a small engagement party just family and few friends, she’s really thrilled with the idea. We were talking about it since I was at the hospital. Today I was so excited about it that for the first time I shared it with my youngest daughter. At the beginning she was happy with the plan, when she asked me if her father will be part of the celebration I categorically said no. My oldest daughter doesn’t want him there, is her day and she doesn’t want him there. I went as far to tell her that he won’t be part of any holidays gathering, that I don’t want to put myself trough that. Everything went downhill from there, she told me that I made her sister a scorned wife regarding her father, that I involved her way to much in my pain, that I shouldn’t have allowed her to see me sad or worse. She fiercely stated that what her father did was wrong but “normal “ people don’t lock out family over few mistakes. She go on to say that her father made a mistake but the destruction of the family was on me. I told my daughter to not come over to my house, that I had enough. Then my two daughters got into an argument over the phone, I was summoned to the line, it’s so painful seeing how far they are getting apart. The call that I made to my H trying for him to help calm the situation backfired terrible. “That is what you get for manipulating the situation and ripping me out of my daughter life “ shame on me, I try to reason his words with his actions, name calling nonstop. Someone please stop the world I want to hop out.
Therefore I did not wear my ring at work only when going out. I do miss wearing it once in a while, however no where near as much as when I first put it away.