Dillydaff, part 6

[dillydaf]

Ha, thanks Alison! That sex might be a while in the future...Quick update. I took the kids to see H yesterday, it was nice to get away and have it also be an essential trip (older son asked if it was, I confirmed that them seeing their dad is in fact essential, but not that when he turns 18 soon it won't legally be...). H seemed very anxious that nothing would stop us travelling and rang us en route but it was all fine. H was glad to see the kids though they spent most of their time playing computer games together, they did come for a walk and chuck a ball about which was much needed exercise for them as they haven't left the house in a fortnight. Teens are lockdown naturals lol. The weather was lovely and H kept dragging me out for walks (I've stuck to one a day at home, but he seemed super restless, luckily he is somewhere quiet where it's unlikely anyone will care if he breaks the guidelines). He downloaded all his work stuff, he looked pretty awful and has been stressed and not sleeping. It's pretty horrible with work but he's resigned to leaving there. I just validated, it must be hard to throw your family away and throw yourself into your job only for it to go horribly wrong. Karma eh?

H was ok some of the time, we had fun as a family with plenty of laughter and he made us a nice meal, which I was grateful for. But he also seemed very on edge and after a few hours seemed like he was struggling having anyone there, even though he complained about how lonely and boring it is not being able to go to work. He is in a bad place, and not helping himself it seems. His health is not great. He is worried about money and kept asking me not to spend any (like I have anything I could spend money on even if I wanted!!). I bit my tongue from pointing out he has a VERY expensive rental house and bills we pay there even though he cannot actually live there right now. Well done dilly, gold star for tact and patience. I completely avoided asking him about any plans he has for the future. I actually felt slightly anxious that he might suggest coming home to live, I'm not sure I could handle his current stressed, jumpy, anxious self in our calm and serene house. I might offer to go stay in our other house for a bit once his job finishes so he can see the kids here, that would be preferable for me though not sure it would for the kids!

I did a bit of cleaning out of habit and he got angry with me, I said that I like to have my house looking good even if I'm not staying there. It was honestly not me looking after him, but disliking seeing my house all dirty and unkempt. It is also ironic as one of my major flaws according to him is that I was a poor housekeeper (because that is grounds for D obviously). I've certainly 180ed on that in the last 18 months. I felt annoyed at him leaving the house dirty and cluttered, it belongs to me too and I've spent more time there than he ever has. I felt vaguely irritated at his behaviour most of the time, annoyed at his utter self-obsessiveness and not very warm towards him. I cannot imagine living with him again, which I guess is me accepting that D would be best. H did buy me an Easter egg, cook me a good meal and thank me for bringing the kids (there is no other way they could see him right now) but I feel very detached. My friends who know about his job speculate about him 'seeing sense' but I told them I have zero expectations about that, and that's true. Expectations rely on other people, and I can only rely on myself. If you are struggling in the early days, time does heal. After 18 months things turn towards the better. I feel optimistic for my future, calm about the present and happy in my own skin. At some stage I will find love again and I can wait patiently for that day. I am a much better person now than I was pre-BD. I hope that's a permanent 180 In the meantime I'm exercising a lot and keeping myself busy. Life is good.

[job]

New Thread:

Dillydaff, part 7