She wants to come back after divorce?

[DejaVu6]

IDK JS. Are you REALLY ok with FWB? Sounds to me you are hoping it will lead to something more so I think you would grow to resent it over time. It also keeps you as Plan B, IMO. So you have sex with her when she wants while she is out there looking for someone else and not “settle”. Ugh. Honestly, if I were you, I would say thanks but no thanks. Sounds like cake eating to the max. Your choice but I wonder why it is you are so willing to settle.

[IHCLACS]

Js6199. Isn't it amazing how people's emotions can be so easily influenced from outside sources? Including your XW? I am personally an "all or nothing" "ride or die" kind of guy. If you can handle FWB without being attached and play it cool, then more power to ya. I just want to place emphasis on how easily a persons feelings can change including ourselves from one day to the next in these situations about what is best for ourselves and others. One day they are happy, the other day, they are chatting up with outside influences about all the wrong dynamics about previous R with friends, and are reminded objectively why things can't work and "they deserve a better love" in their life. Sometimes with outside influences, misery loves company too. People gravitate torwards like people to feel validated. This is why feelings and the heart cannot be trusted. Commitment has to overpower feelings. Feelings are fickle. Commitments come from core values and principles, and self respect. Step back. Ask yourself if this current person is good for you, commited to at least trying, and put yourself first and back on center, before the sex, before the feelings, and before the history. Right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now.

[IHCLACS]

Your XW seems like she is seeking validation of her sexual worth with you, from you, but her heart is not commited in it while she is still searching for her "I deserve better, never settle" The bigger question do you deserve better? Don't we all? Again "The grass is greener" effect still at play here.

[AnotherStander]

We had been seeing each other about once or twice a week, and actually spent all day July 4th together with the kids. It was great. I felt that things were going well. We had some R talks and she said she felt great about everything and she felt comfortable around me and she was happy. Up until the day after July 4th, everything was fine. On July 5th (Friday), in the morning we talked briefly, and she was preparing for a camping trip with her sisters. I know there is no service out there so I expected not to hear from her. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, nothing. Tuesday morning I sent her a good morning text and she said "can i call you?" So I said sure.

She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together.

Well it's not like several of us didn't warn you that there were a lot of red flags flying. It's not much of a surprise given what you had been describing. Your plan of action should be to swing into full DB'ing mode. Leave her alone. Give her time and space. Do not reach out to her. If she calls/ texts/ talks then listen and validate. Be the first to end convos. Don't linger.

She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work.

I wouldn't go there. It is just going to mess with your head. She'll never come back until she learns to miss you, and if you do the FWB thing then that will never happen. Plus her sisters will tell her she is crazy and needs to stop it, and she will, and you'll feel gutted all over again.

And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that.

She will never grow until she owns her part in that. When two people fight, it's not the fault of only one of them. Her sisters are just enabling her and that's not helping her to grow.

I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again. (her last comment on the phone pissed me off and i went off on her after i was instigated, I know this was wrong and didn't help but I was hurt.) She said she still loves me but maybe needs more time. I stopped responding and that was it. (this was yesterday)

Well you're right, you shouldn't have gone there and it didn't do any good. Time to be the alpha. She says she's done then cool, let her go. No FWB, no chatty convos. Leave her to her mess and you go about the business of being awesome.

Tonight she texted me and asked how I was. She asked if she could come over tonight to talk but I told her I was busy and maybe tomorrow, I'd let her know.

Man it always irks me to read stuff like this where the WAS calls and asks how the LBS is doing! Oh poor you, she feels so sorry for you in your pathetic, fragile state that she needs to call and make sure you're going to be OK. Quit being desperate and needy! I'm glad you didn't cave in on talking to her. Next time she asks how you are tell her fantastic and then ask her if she was calling about anything important because you're busy and need to run.

She asked me what I thought, and I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me.

I highly recommend you tell her you changed your mind. Quit letting her dictate all the terms of the relationship.

And I guess now we are just FWB. I really would like this to work out, and be something serious.

It never will if you go down this FWB path!

But this rollercoaster ride is painful and scary for me.

Then get off of it! "Oh but I can't because X, Y and Z" BS! You can get off that ride whenever you want. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!

[SteveLW]

You are okay as FWB?!!? And what happens when she meets someone new and that ends? Then you spiral again?

Run to the hills. You have history, bad history, with this woman. You need to coparent ONLY and move on with your life.

"I've reconsidered. FWB doesn't work for me. We gave it a try, and in short order it went the same way it did before. That should tell us both something. Good luck in your future endeavors. I will always care about you and just want you to be happy!"

[SteveLW]

Oh, and I think you should look into IC for your impulse control and anger issues. Going off on her for being honest with you is a tad extreme.

[Ready2Change]

She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together.

This is where validations should kick in. I like the AGREE method recommended by coach.

h:"I agree. I don't know what we were thinking"

She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work.

I would stick to my morals.

H:FWB doesn't work for me. I think it is best if we just move on"

.....but I'm curious as to what made you change your mind so quick? And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that. I told her I understood but I had to hang up and get back to work.

Asking the question got you some good Intel. I think it is better not to ask any questions. If you made the statement above, the convo would have went in a different direction.

.... and I told her I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again.

Please do not tell her anything like this again. Listen and validate...DO NOT ARGUE or push your point of view or talk about how she hurts you.....

Tonight she texted me and asked how I was.

Your response from now on is "I am doing great." And do not respond immediately.


2 hours later: "Hey, just saw this...doing great... ttyl"

I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me

.Next change, H"I changed my mind about FWB. I got to go...ttyl"