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Joined: Dec 2018
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Thanks for clarifying Sara. It’s a tough situation. Perhaps the time is done for you. Only you can know that.

Differing perspectives are just that; different.

Thank you all for your perspectives on the subject.

I’m headed to the beach with the kids ironically enough. Have a great day all!


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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Hi PsySara,

It's nice to see you post here! I haven't been able to be active recently but I try to check back here and post whenever possible. It looks like I missed your post in April. I'm sorry I didn't respond to it. I see the one from yesterday. As I recall your husband is Middle Eastern. While it's not good to stereotype anyone, your husband's behavior sounds like that of 95% of other Middle Eastern husbands and dads. There will always be a double standard. That's not to say there aren't many other great things about them. As my psychologist said men like these will take the path of least resistance - unless you threaten to divorce again there's not much incentive to change. If you want a really attentive, helpful, proactive, engaged husband and father you probably won't ever find that in your husband as you probably know. On the other hand, that's the man with whom you fell in love and you two share many other things in common. My best friend from college is half from that culture and she didn't even marry a Middle Eastern man but she's a physician, super independent, and a deep thinker and she does all of the childcare, housework, cooking, etc.. I asked her about it one time and she replied "that's the burden of being a woman." It's almost like the double standard is equally accepted by women as it is with men. I think in your case you need to take a trip the Middle East. Right now you're here in this culture and your expectations are all based on how things work here in our culture. Reminding yourself about your husband's culture won't solve the problem of you getting what you want in your marriage but it might help you to re-frame your thinking. Women from that part of the world get a lot of their emotional needs met by their mothers, sisters, and female friends. Many times they also have hired help for those who are middle class and above. I'm sure you already know all this but I guess my response is that it seems to be a "take it or leave it" scenario. You can either accept things as they are and make the best of them, because this is who your husband is, or you can file for divorce. You can always try new ways of connecting with your husband but you two probably know each other quite well by now so there's only so much left to try. It's hard. Two years after being abandoned by my husband I'd much prefer the situation you're in to the one I'm in. Having two parents together is the best thing for children unless there's abuse or safety issues in my opinion. Still, your feelings matter and you probably can't live this way for another dozen years. It seems you have to find the right way to communicate with your husband - you need to find the right time, atmosphere, tone of voice, etc.. to get his attention. He may not be willing to give up his fishing trips, naps, long baths, etc.. but what does he have to say about the double standard and what were his expectations by marring an American woman? Perhaps the two of you can try to talk about it....if he can acknowledge it and if you ask him what he proposes as a solution maybe you'll make a tiny bit of progress.

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Sara, sorry to hear things aren't going better. Reading your posts I think your marital expectations are completely reasonable, and I also feel you have communicated them effectively and your H just chooses not to concern himself with what you want and need. He sounds very selfish. I'm afraid it may just be a matter of time before he engages in another A. The only thing I can think of to tell you is pull back from him and pull back HARD. Give that some time and see if he starts pursuing again. Try to get out and GAL more too. Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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