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Joined: Nov 2018
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I've continued my thoughts at the link below. Not that I think anyone reads them laugh . I process best in writing/talking, so I write what comes to my head as a way to walk through it.

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Oh Yail - I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Each change, from the small to the big, and this one is big, hits hard. They brings back memories and reopen closed wounds. You are a person who feels things deeply. This is both a blessing (because when we love, we love completely) and a curse (because when we love, we love completely).

If I did not know you I would say a house is just a house. But it is not. It was your home. Yours and hers. And then it was just yours. The place where you broke down. The place where you healed. And part of that healing process is making your home your sanctuary. The place where you started to feel safe again, where you shut off the world and turned inwards. You are, once again, being made to let go of something that has become a part of you.

There is also a perceived lack of control. Even if you wanted to sell the house (and a part of you does), it feels forced on you. That resentment your feeling towards the realtor, yes, he's a [censored] but its your anger at your W for putting you in a place where you feel you have no choice. The same lack of control you felt when she left.

You are doing the right things. Sucking it up. Trying to focus on the good. That home your dreaming off is possible. It will be one where there is no uncertainty (will she make me sell it, when will she make me sell it, [b] will [/b/] I have enough to get my own place). When she left you had to pick yourself up and rebuild (and you became a more fuller version of yourself). Now, when you move, you can turn your home into a physical manifestation of the person you are becoming.

Haha - I never imagined you were prideful. You are gay, and you don't feel the need to hide or apologies for that, but for me, it was never your defining characteristics. What comes through with you is your intelligence, your thoughtfulness and your kindness. I used to live with two gay men (they were not together) and they were all rainbows, politics and marches. I loved them, learnt a lot and I had a lot of fun. But it was exhausting. I lasted less than a year in that house. I can see why you'd want something quieter and more self assured.

And someday a wonderful woman, full of the same intelligence and kindness, will share that dream home with you. I know it in my bones.

I get why some people wave banners and stick logos on their heads (if for nothing else, to show young people just coming that they are not alone), but I hope someday they don't feel they have to.

I got a second piercing (on my ear) and am also thinking of getting another tattoo. I saw on a shirt with "we are the grand daughters of the witches you weren't able to burn" and I am thinking of getting that tattooed down my right side. My H would go ballistic but, f him.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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