I am trying to forgive what he has done, but I am struggling. I do not trust him. I trusted him once and he betrayed me beyond comprehension, I don’t know if this will ever come back. If you asked me 6 months or a year ago whether I loved him, the answer would have been yes, no hesitation. Now, I am not so sure.
Completely understandable. I think Steve and others who have reconciled would be quick to tell you that learning to trust again is the hardest part. Part of your terms of reconciling should have been that he give you full access to his phone and all social media account passwords. Did you do that by chance? Any WAS that's willing to recon after cheating will be happy to comply. If they don't then they are not worthy of being trusted until they come around.
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I fought for our family to be back together again, but I don’t think I am happier. I feel like he has ruined what we had.
You will never have what you had before, things have changed permanently. You've got to learn to live with it and keep moving forward. As Steve hinted, IC and MC can help you navigate this.
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He refuses to talk about the affair, he says he doesn’t want to rake up the past and we should try and move on.
If he is really onboard with reconciling then he needs to accept that YOU need to know, and right now, YOUR needs outweigh his. Again MC can help with this, an impartial 3rd party can describe to him why you need to know and encourage him to open up about it.
We are not going to MC, I was IC but I stopped a while ago. I have tried to get him to attend MC with me but he has refused so far. He says he is happy, that if he didn’t want to be here then he wouldn’t be.
I do not have access to his phone and devices. The condition was that he allow me full access, that I would not snoop but that if I needed to look through to reassure myself then he would allow that without a problem. He did, and as time has gone on I have needed to check less. However, we did have an incident last night where I asked to have his phone to take a picture of something quickly, he was going to give it to me then hesitated and refused. This set huge alarm bells off and I requested his phone shortly afterwards. There was nothing on there, but I checked WhatsApp to see if the OW number was blocked and it was not. I can’t 100% remember whether it was blocked before or whether just deleted but I cannot stop thinking about it in my mind. It does not help that he has taken the children to his parents this weekend and is going out with friends tonight.
