So...was having a decent day at work when I decided to look at my personal email to see if there is anything from my lawyer. Nope...but there is an email from my H. He says good morning, thanks for the chat on Sunday and btw... there is a property coming on the market soon that ticks most of my boxes. I've been watching all of the homes in my price range be bought within days so really want to buy something before the spring mark up. Don't want to annoy you or anything but if you could do anything to expedite the process, I would greatly appreciate it. Hope you have a great day!!
DV, I understand the desire to lash out at him, I mean he is King Douche of Douchebag World. But try to stick to business. A good response would have been "you gave me a deadline of the 31st which I am endeavoring to meet, but I will not be able to expedite it any faster than that." Then come here and tell us what an ass he is, because he certainly is, almost to comical proportions. I mean reading some of this stuff you post about him, it just makes me go "WOW!"
AS - King Douche of Douchebag World... that made me laugh outloud. You are right. He has done nothing to divest himself of that title, that's for sure. I hate that I still give him any space in my mind and in my heart. My biggest strength, in this situation, is also my biggest weakness. I am committed and loyal to the people I love - almost to a fault. And, unlike him, I have clear memories of when he was in love with me and good memories from recent years. I keep reminding myself how incredibly disrespectful and deceitful he has been in order to help me really drop the rope. It helps sometimes... sometimes it just makes me sad. Going through old text messages was a dumb move on my part. Not sure why I did. I think I just wanted to remind myself that, at some point, he did still have feelings for me and that a part of him did want to do the right thing and try to work on the relationship. A cheeseless tunnel, I know. Sometimes we can really be our own worst enemies.
ST - I admit that I haven't been great at GAL lately. The holidays really did set me back a bit. I did go out Friday and Saturday last week thought and met new people both nights. Friday, especially, was a good night and I felt pretty good when my head hit the pillow. I know I need to do more of that for sure.
Joe - I know for sure he is not looking out for my best interests. He hasn't done that in years so why start now? It has always been and likely always will be all about him.
Arghhh... more odds and ends financial issues emails from my H. Honestly, every time I see his name, I feel physically ill and now I am close to tears. I am so done with this feeling. What is wrong with me? I was doing pretty well but now I feel like I am falling backwards fast. I just don't understand how he can do this to me and our kids. I don't think I will ever understand it. And I know... it's like a broken record... I just keep going over it in my head. And I am feeling so lonely right now. He was my BEST friend for the longest time.. at least I thought he was. I just really, really miss the guy I used to know. Am I just going through the final feelings of grief or am I starting this process all over again? Feeling very disappointed in myself.
DV6...up front and I know this is said ALL THE TIME, but...you are in no way alone in the way you are feeling! I myself could have written word for word your last post. I don't think you should feel disappointed in yourself. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, family, all of it. Heck I feel those thoughts you just said basically every day. Thing is feeling them/grieving them is natural and ok. Wanting to try and change the reality of the life you are facing now...that would not be. Accepting them as how you feel BUT continuing to move forward/endure...that is all you must do these days. Grant yourself the grace to be patient with yourself. And for sure when needed come here and vent. I can assure you there are MANY MANY of us who can relate to what you are going through!
Also going through old texts/memories/etc...I don't think that is a cheeseless tunnel. For me knowing that my W had those feelings for me, that we DID love each other, we DID have fun...it all helps a lot when our spouses say crazy stuff, gaslight us or whatever else. As has been said in some of the MLC threads...we are the keepers of the truth of what happened in our relationships. Be proud of and draw strength from the reality that the love you shared with him was real. His actions may have caused you to feel like you have lost control of your future, but don't allow him the power to take away the cherished and real memories of love you have of your past together. One day he may come back to you a hot, remorseful mess and it may be you that has to show him that yes at one time you loved each other.
Truthfully you will cycle. Initially you will have more bad days than good days. I cried every morning and every night early on, didn't sleep, and couldn't eat. I would also burst out in tears randomly at work or in the car. There is no easy way but you have to walk directly through the pain.
Truthfully you will probably never know the reason why. I spent hours on this board daily and it was really the only thing that comforted me. I read through a sitch about 15 years ago and the vet posted this comment "There are many things that happen in this world that never get answers, why should you be any different". It [censored] and cuts straight to the core but it so true. Hard to accept now but in time your desire for answers will diminish. Early on there is little you can do to ease the pain. It is truly traumatic.
Walking in the complete opposite direction and going strictly NC (or as NC as you can go) is really the only way to begin to heal yourself. It took me 6 months before I felt like a relatively normal person.
Another vet told me this early on as well. Your desire to save yourself has to be greater than your desire to save your marriage.
I am really sorry you are here. I can tell you though that things do get better with time.
Better not bitter. I would love to take credit for that, however peacetoday started those words ringing in my head for me. I am happy to pass them forward to you.
I love reading your raw passion and emotion. It is very good to get it out, and you have much to be angry about, with that - what was he - King Douche of Douchebag World. Lol.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Arghhh... more odds and ends financial issues emails from my H. Honestly, every time I see his name, I feel physically ill and now I am close to tears. I am so done with this feeling. What is wrong with me? I was doing pretty well but now I feel like I am falling backwards fast. I just don't understand how he can do this to me and our kids. I don't think I will ever understand it. And I know... it's like a broken record... I just keep going over it in my head. And I am feeling so lonely right now. He was my BEST friend for the longest time.. at least I thought he was. I just really, really miss the guy I used to know. Am I just going through the final feelings of grief or am I starting this process all over again? Feeling very disappointed in myself.
You are addicted to H.
This is withdrawl.
It is strong, powerful, and painful. This addiction has been compared to herion, just has pervasive and as hard to break.
Every trip down memory lane, Facebook post, picture, snooping, text, etc... all add to the time of this withdrawl, and prolongs your suffering. It takes a concentrated effort to break this, to create new habits, to let go.
I’ve been here, and it is not fun. My mind screamed for the chemical release that my W’s love once provided. It is difficult, really difficult, to resist those urges to get a fix, another hit. It took some months of not looking at pictures, minimal contact, and so on, to get over this hurdle. There is relief, and freedom from this addiction.
This is just another part of the path. It is ok to trip and stumble, there are lots of people who will help you back up.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Ballast - I think my H has been a hot mess for the last four years. Remorseful? I highly doubt he will ever get there but it is somehow comforting to think that there is always a chance. What that would mean for R when/if that ever happened, I don’t know. For sure I do NOT want to be feeling this way...I am hoping for indifference. Thank you for the reminder to be patient with myself. It is very hard to do sometimes. I wish I had my H’s talent for detachment sometimes but at other times I don’t because I know the pain I am going through has its purpose. I know I will be a better, stronger person at the end. My H? Likely not. His email to me is a big indicator of that.
Joseph - I hadn’t really thought of this experience as a trauma. I always think of trauma as an assault or an accident or a disaster. But I realized that the hallmark of a trauma is loss of control... being put through a situation in which you feel like your life is being threatened and you cannot do anything about it. People who suffer from PTSD struggle with that the most... their sense of safety has been destroyed and they realize that ultimately they do not have total control over what happens to them. In order to regain a reasonable level of functioning, they have to be able to talk about and think about the incident without panicking or being emotionally dysregulated which they do through retelling their story over and over again until it no longer destabilizes them. As well, they have to become comfortable with and accepting of the idea that they could do everything right (often they blame themselves for what happened) and still end up getting hurt. So, in that respect, bomb day and the events that inevitably follow really do meet the criteria of a trauma. I know that my sense of safety has been significantly altered. I continue to work on acceptance.
Walking the opposite direction and going as NC as possible. I think getting this S agreement done and my kids into a regular schedule will help with that. It is hard though. Things always seem to come up that necessitate some sort of communication. In time, I’m sure that will be okay. I just have to keep remembering that it has only been three and a half months and that is not a lot of time.
DnJ - This idea of addiction is interesting to me. Certainly, I have thought numerous times that I need to go cold turkey on this which is guess is what NC is all about. I guess you are in love when your feelings are returned but you are addicted when they are not? Definitely makes me feel weak when I think of it in that way but it makes sense. Explains my conflicted feelings when I see my H... I always want to see him but also don’t want to see him. It s#cks.
I guess you are in love when your feelings are returned but you are addicted when they are not?
Not quite. That is when you realize you are, and were, addicted.
Being in love is being in love. Being addicted is being addicted.
You loved H for years and in the best sense of the word, you became addicted to him, to the feelings you had when with him. That is total expected from a long term loving relationship - it’s a good thing.
The thing is, you didn’t know you were addicted during all the good times (well relative to now). The removal or loss of the stimulus from him is causing withdrawl symptoms.
The word addiction has a negative connotation about it. However, it is just a state of being, a dependence on certain feelings or chemicals within your brain. That is not a problem in a loving relationship when addicted to your partner.
Addictive behaviour is when troubles start. As your need for that feeling increases (withdrawl) things get worse. We do something to ease the pain, which resets things (sort of).
Fight you way through withdrawl. You will find addiction is addiction, and love is love.
You can love H, and not be addicted to him. Just has much as you can hate H, and be addicted to him.
The addiction is separate, deal with it separately. Love can remain, honest.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
