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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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My H seemed pretty dead set against finding another relationship. He is adamant that is not what he wants. But that is for now... I don't think it will last. I think the only people my H has any feelings for right now is his kids. He has barely said two words to his mom. In a sense, he has abandoned her as well. He knows she does not approve of what he has done so he avoids her.

I have been hoping my H would change his mind but I think that when WAH's get up enough nerve to leave and there is no OW involved, they are much more resolved than someone who is running to someone else. I think they have been thinking about it longer and "planning" for it. Returning is something they cannot consider because it took them so long to get up the courage to leave. I don't know this for sure, but it makes sense to me when I really think about it. Despite his claim to not have a "plan", my H has been quite methodical in the way that he has gone about this. Step by step... at first saying it was temporary, then saying he's "not ready" to return [implying that he might be some day], then slowing moving things over to his new place and starting to reduce his contact with me. Every time I asked him directly what was going on, he shrugged his shoulders and denied that he was planning on anything and that he didn't know what to call our situation. Last night was the first time he said "separation" and wanted to start a conversation about finances but I shut that down. Given my frame of mind at the time, it was not going to go well. So that will be for another day. In the meantime, I am going as dark as possible and take care of me and my kids. I can't stop him from doing what he is going to do but I don't have to make it easy for him either... not until it is something that I want too.

I do hope your re-evaluation talk with your H goes well Grace. I also think you should prepare yourself for the worst. It seems to me that if he is thinking about coming home, you will start to see some signs soon. My H bought our kids bunkbeds. That was a sure indication that he sees this becoming a permanent arrangement. It hurts beyond belief but it is what it is. As I told my H last night, I know I will survive and I know our kids will adjust but they will never be the same and we will never be the same. The intact family that we vowed to keep together when we decided to have kids is no longer important to my H. He is but a shell of the person that I married and it is sad to see. There are no winners. frown

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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So a question... last night I packed up all of my H's belongings that were in our MBRM closet. That was a BIG step for me as I had been kind of hanging on to the clothes as a possible sign he might return. I know now that I was only fooling myself. So...now I am wondering about my wedding ring. I know my H would like me to take it off. That he would see it as a sign that I am accepting of the situation and losing hope of reconciliation. I look at it now and feel like I am outwardly lying to people about my status...pretending something is one way when it is not. But I have not been able to bring myself to take it off. I am still married legally and in my heart. But does this make me look weak or desperate? Should I take it off?

Ironically, my H started out his speech last night with ..."DV6, you are always so strong and stoic..." - unlike my basket case of a husband. We started having the conversation in the kitchen but then he asked if we could go into the bedroom as he didn't want the kids to see him crying. Guilt...he's just a ball of guilt. I told him guilt is a feeling you get when you think you are doing something wrong. "Interesting" was his reply - like he had never thought of that before. crazy

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Time for a new thread! This one is over 10 pages now.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
My H seemed pretty dead set against finding another relationship. He is adamant that is not what he wants. But that is for now... I don't think it will last.


Well, you know I've been here for a while. Long enough to notice certain recurring patterns. Don't be surprised if you find out at some point that he already is dating, or will be soon. They like to put on a big pity party but it's all usually just for show.

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In a sense, he has abandoned her as well. He knows she does not approve of what he has done so he avoids her.


WAS's need enablers. They will cut anyone out of their lives that doesn't enable their behavior, even if it's their own parents.

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Returning is something they cannot consider because it took them so long to get up the courage to leave. I don't know this for sure, but it makes sense to me when I really think about it.


It's definitely true right after S, but with time, who knows. I remember one WAW that used to post here years ago saying she almost didn't recon because she didn't want to have to explain to everyone why she was getting back together with the man she had been trash-talking to everyone about. Her own stubborn pride almost stopped her from pursuing reconciliation, and not just that, but it was misplaced pride because what she was having to admit was that she had lied to all of them when she drug his name through the mud!!! So yeah, some people are too hard-headed to go back on their bad decisions. BUT, a lot of them do reverse course against all odds, so you never know.


Last edited by Cadet; 11/19/18 06:59 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So...now I am wondering about my wedding ring. I know my H would like me to take it off. That he would see it as a sign that I am accepting of the situation and losing hope of reconciliation. I look at it now and feel like I am outwardly lying to people about my status...pretending something is one way when it is not. But I have not been able to bring myself to take it off. I am still married legally and in my heart. But does this make me look weak or desperate? Should I take it off?


My H left his ring in a box on his dresser when he moved out. I never asked him about it, but sure noticed. I have never taken mine off, and don't plan to unless/until I am divorced. I had visions on taking it off at the divorce proceedings in sort of a ceremony. Who knows. Maybe as the weeks go on I'll feel differently, but for now, I'm married.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

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Me-70, D37,S36
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