Starting here, Shes a QLC?

[Shrike]

Trying to get some stuff out of my head.

had a pretty big step backwards this week. dropping kids off with her Monday night at her place, was waiting for her to get home. she had told me the night before that it was ok to do so.

she gets home and loses it on me. she got passed up by the owner of her restaurant for a bartending job that went to some new girl. and she is crying and screaming about how they only chose her because she had a bigger bra size. how her job was the last place where she felt like she belonged, and how it was where she went to get away and now everything was wrong and she had to quit.

She goes on and on about how no one cares about how she feels. everyone just wants something from her, me included etc etc. That I forced her to take kids that night and she never gets alone time. she goes into how terrible I was in the marriage and how I deserve everything I'm going through. how I'm not a man. that a man takes what he wants but treats his woman with respect. How there's so many other guys out there that will give her exactly what she wants. and some other stuff that I don't really remember. But it just kept coming, on and on, she just beat me down. I basically just listened not really sure how to react. I did not want to validate, because most of the things I felt like where hysteria.


I am aware that I am supposed to be detached and not believe anything she says, and I tried, but that combined with everything else in my life, the depression, taking the kids on alone every night, my daughter struggling in school, her being involved with OM, debt, basically felt like my whole life fell apart. I felt like I had no control over anything. I ended up getting really suicidal and having to go to the emergency department, where I spent 48 hours on a psych ward.

I never really thought I was the type of person that this sort of thing would happen too. My whole family found out, they called her family and called her. She came over crying on Thursday morning but I just had nothing left for her.
I didn't want it to seem like the suicidal thoughts where to guilt her into coming back.

So here I am now, back at work. Trying to focus on myself. I have an apt with a new therapist next week and I'm starting some new anti depressants today. Thoughts of hopelessness still come and go. As do thoughts of her and the life we are leaving behind. Hard to see past all of this. But my family is being super supportive. My mom has been helping with the kids a lot the pass few days, so I am grateful. I just hate that I had to put all of this on them.

Praying to get through this. Thank you all for being another voice of support.

[DnJ]

Shrike, we all have times when we fall backwards. You will do fine, get up, dusty off, and look forward.

I understand how you feel - the feeling that your whole life has fallen apart. It is overwhelming, I am sorry.

The stresses you listed are very real as is the feeling of no control. However, you do have power, you can always control one thing, you.

Your mental and emotional health and stability is most important, far more than your W or her opinion. You need to get a boundary on her behaviour towards you. The blast she gave you during the children exchange is not tolerable. I am assuming the kids were present, also not tolerable.

You listened and did not know how to react, and I can that, it was a blindside for sure.

You need to call her out on her behaviour and inform her of the consequences. Something like:

When we exchange the children we both need to be civil and set a proper example for the kids. When you behave like you did on Monday, I will not continue to speak with you. I will leave and if necessary take the children with me until you calm down and can speak civilly again.

Then stick to your guns, she will test your resolve so do not waver or bluff, you better mean it if you go down this road.

Let’s look at those stresses for a second. I will speak to the few big ones, W with OM, debt, and depression - not that school grades or raising kids as a single parent isn’t a big deal, but when you get a handle on the first ones the others will not seem so big and will become a lot more manageable.

A lot of stress comes from trying to control, from not being detached and letting go. W is with OM, yep that hurts. It is terrible and it is totally beyond your control. You cannot control or change this, you have to let go of this. Hanging on is not healthy, it is harmful. Your W is in control, she might change her mind, it is possible. And you have to come to terms with this to save your sanity.

Debt is a big stress, no doubt. This one atleast you can have some control over. The whole do not spend more than you make idea. Like a lot of my advice, be accurate when looking at things, do not deny. Look at what you spend your money on. What you spend on needs and what you spend on wants. There are two children that are dependent on you, figure out a financial plan / forecast and ensure you and kids can survive this. Then look on how to make it better, to give you and kids a better life. This is within your control, it only needs you, and you control you.

Depression. I am so very sorry for your suffering. I will guess you have read my thread and my sharing of my own depression and dark sucidial thoughts. First off, Shrike, know this, you can beat it and find peace and happiness. I know this, I have done it.

Depression is nothing like I thought it was before BD. It is not just being unhappy, or just really really sad. One can not just get over it, or just think happier. My goodness I was so naive.

It is so draining, so enveloping, so entrapping, so crushing, and so defeating. It is so dark that trying to escape is like running around in the dark, you unknowingly go in circles which make it appear unending and will just tire you out. A beacon, a guide, a heading is most helpful to keep you on course. The way out is difficult, but will be the shortest if you keep following a heading.

A victim mentally also seems to go along with depression and keeps feeding it. Remaining emotional attached and not being able to let go are both cause and effect of depression.

My own way out happened... well not happened, that makes it look like it was a singular event, the getting over it, that was not the case. Saying my own way out started... again not right, I am not really sure when it all started, also there are many parts to my recovery. Accuracy in thought and heart is to me very important and I really believe it keep a person on their one heading.

So my own way out had two pivotal moments, that prayer when I asked God to not punish W and for Him to forgive her. That was the second one and was the best movement forward.

The first big step to shaking off the depression was hitting rock bottom and realizing what I was doing. Those dark terrible thoughts on Christmas Day. I was like you, that sort of thing never would happen to me. But it did. I was so close, and so very scared, and afraid. The fear stopped me and woke me up. I woke up to a possibility.

Around here we say the MLCer won’t really change until they hit rock bottom (pain is such a good catalyst for change). Well I know it works for the LBS, I chose to forgive, to accept, and to heal - that was my heading.

Shrike, I want to share a viewpoint you probably do not see, yet. You have a fantastic opportunity to affect a real change within yourself, to give yourself a huge push on your way to being the best you will be. It involves looking at the hitting rock bottom as a positive.

Neither you or I can change or deny what happened to each of us. You can focus on the dark and terrible part or choose to embrace the light. Two things I find are so positive in your situation. First you sought hospitalization for your sucidial thoughts, that is very good, seeking help and not denying it. Second you are sharing what happened both here and with your family. That is huge! Acknowledging it and sharing with your trusting family will defuse those thoughts and not let them fester and grow inside you. Both are good steps to healing.

You now have insight into a world you never knew. You have been to the depths that few away from here ever suffer. The knowledge you will gain will serve you in amazing and untold ways for the rest of your life. It is truely a blessing, a positive, if you choose it to be. So many people here say that healing was so very difficult, however they would not give up what they have learned about themselves and life to go back to what they had before.

I know where you currently find yourself and I offer you a heading. Be compassionate and forgive. Acceptance, detachment, indifference, and so on will follow.

DnJ