Fin It is tough to understand in the beginning as with all things, we learn more over time
If it is MLC You may notice they usually dress different buy expensive new toys neglect the kids a bit become self absorbed might notice drinking where there was none maybe a tattoo, hair change, hanging with younger crowd
We can focus on us and the kids the kids need a stable available parent we can get rest and sleep, eat well, therapy, support groups, church or Gym or whatever grounds us meditation yoga ect
they usually spend a lot of money so keep a strong eye on the credit cards that have your name on them they usually have affair partners
There is no easy fix here it takes a lot of time We wait it out especially in the beginning to see if there is improvement sometimes people do reconcile so its worth a bit of time to see which direction she goes If she seeks therapy on her own this may help usually MLC is unresolved childhood issues-
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Welcome. There are many kind and compassionate people here with much hard earned wisdom. This is a safe place to ask questions, vent, or just journal your thoughts - posting real does help.
Originally Posted by Fin831
The time? or the actions?
Is it mostly the time that passes that takes an MLCer out of MLC?
or is their faulty actions that pushes them further along?
I sense that you already know that nothing you do will help her along her path, and that you need to focus on yourself and adult children. However until we get a certain level of understanding it is hard to look away, there are questions that seem to need answers. I understand.
Time or actions.
In my opinion the MLCer does not see their actions as faulty, they are doing what they believe to be right, their only choice left to them, what they are driven to do.
As time progresses, and with the space you give her, your W may calm down, may see moments of her life in a different light. Eventually may even question the path she is on, just as much as she questioned her life before which lead to BD.
So with time the MLCer actions can be revealed to themselves - maybe.
This takes time, no way around it. The faultiness of their actions, or the degree of wrongness does not matter, most have affairs, some do not, both are just as stuck in the mess that is MLC. Those faulty actions are just them running from their pain, they really mean very little.
So mostly time. When and if they awaken then their actions, and the degree of, will play a larger part.
A very interesting question. I hope to hear from you soon.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
