I know everyone is right here. It just still hurts. I realize that he has been like this our entire relationship. I remember a couple years ago asking him why he can never look me in the eyes when we are talking. He never looked at me. I always thought that was weird and it always made me uncomfortable but I wasn't sure why. Then it got worse, and not only would he not look at me, but he would not talk to me. If there were no issues, everything was fine, but as soon as there was a disagreement that we needed to discuss he would shut me down, or out, and then leave if I continued to try to discuss things. At first it always made me really angry, but eventually I realized if I was angry about it he was much, much worse. So I changed the way I responded to it. I would try to be as polite as possible, but he still would get angry.
I remember when he told me he hated my son, and I told him that really hurts me. He said that he was NOT wrong and that I had no right to be upset about it. I told him I never said he was wrong, but that it was hurtful and I didn't know how we could work through things if he felt this way. He told me there was nothing to work through and this was just the way it is, and hung up the phone on me. Shut down, again.
None of the issues that came up EVER got resolved. So they were always there, lingering, and he was apparently just constantly stewing over them but I had no way to know what he was thinking or what he wanted. More than once, I tried to explain that when something was bothering him, I could not try to fix things or help him if I didn't know what it was. I always got the same response: "It's the same stuff it always is, don't act like you don't know!" (Or some other wording that meant the same thing. So then I would say "Ok, can you refresh my memory then? I am not sure which issue you are angry about, there seems to be a lot of them" and then he would be "Done talking".
On another occasion, we were on the phone and he accused me of being a 'negative nancy' about something - I don't remember what the convo was about - but I told him "Do you ever stop to think that maybe I am so negative because you criticize me for everything?" to which he replied "Not everything" then he abruptly got off the phone and when he got home he ignored me the entire evening.
After a while, I started just keeping everything to myself. He is/was a good provider, and would always try to make sure I had everything I wanted or needed, so I reasoned with myself that maybe that was just the only way he can show me that he loves me, and I have to accept that he just can't be there for me emotionally. A few people I discussed this with said that some people just can't do the emotionally stuff and that in marriage you have to "take the good with the bad". So, I tried really hard to just be happy with what I WAS getting from him. Although, material things just could never make me happy.
I talked to him one time and told him I just needed him to be there for me emotionally sometimes, even if it is just to tell me everything is going to be ok. He flipped out that day! He said "What am I supposed to do, hold your **** hand every time you are upset?" and I said "Well, that's kind of what husbands and wives do for each other, isn't it?" and he got even angrier and said "That's too much! I can't do that!" and then he left the room and ignored me the rest of the evening.
I got pretty used to be ignored, but I knew it was taking a toll. I got pretty depressed. I felt bad about myself a lot. I got this job that I had been trying to get for 4 years, (a government job) and I was so excited about it, and all he said about it was "That job is like the bottom of the barrel job there". Ouch. That hurt.
If I ever asked him "how do I look?" (maybe I got a new outfit, or did something different with my hair or whatever) and he wouldn't even look at me, he would just say "fine". After a while that response turned into "why do you have to seek approval from me!" I told him it would just be nice to hear a compliment once in a while" (He has NEVER complimented me on anything - ever) and he said "Just love yourself! UGH!"
So I think this is why am I stuck in this spot, I feel like maybe I am too needy? Should I have just accepted how he chose to show me he loved me?
But then again, the issues with the kids, those were always a problem. You know, when I was a kid, my brother and sister and I fought constantly. Over stupid things that kids fight about. "He's looking at me!" (LOL) and of course my son and his daughter were no exception to that. I remember one time in the car she said "He's looking at my TV!" and we both just laughed cuz yeah that's what kids do. Anyway, after a while, he would get angrier and angrier about that kind of thing. Once, in the car, my son called her a "noob" (If you're not familiar with that term it's a newbie - basically - a gamer thing" and my H slammed on the brakes, pulled over, and turned around and just started screaming at my son. Told him he could get out of the car and walk home if he didn't shut his mouth. I didn't say a word because I know when he is that angry it will not go well for me to say anything. Anything that was going on with my son was a HUGE issue. He was getting bullied in school, and my H said "He probably deserves it" my gosh that was so hurtful! My son is in therapy. She says he is depressed - she would offer all of these suggestions for how to help him cope with his feelings, and my H would have none of it. Accused both me and the therapist of 'babying' him and said that he is 12 - he should be treated like an adult.
When my husband was a child, he had a step-father who did not like him,and who didn't just spank, but hit him. He ended up being a very angry child. His real father took him to therapy to try to help him, but he didn't like therapy so he ran away from home at 15, and was homeless for a year. Then he went into the job core, then joined the air force. When he was in the air force, they told him he needed to go to anger management treatment. He didn't like that, so he quit the air force. Then he joined the army. In the army they also told him he had anger issues, and he went to therapy a couple of times but he told me that he just told her what she wanted to hear because he doesn't believe therapists are worth a **** and that they all just diagnose people with things for no reason.
He went to a couple of therapy sessions a few years ago with me, but as soon as the therapist said one thing he didn't like, he got angry and refused to go back. I encouraged him to try individual therapy, but again, he went twice and the therapist suggested he had unresolved issues dating back to childhood and he got angry and refused to go back.
This is actually his 3rd marriage, and he abruptly dropped both of the other wives in the same fashion (I met him when he was battling in court over custody - and I saw all the texts and emails he used in court to try to prove her unfit - ultimately he lost) but he was terribly cruel to her. I thought he was justified because the things he told me about her, she seemed pretty horrible to him. Of course she was to blame for everything.
Ok, so now that I am putting this all out there, I see a ton of red flags here...... sorry, I had to vent a little I guess
I was essentially shaking my head the whole time while reading your last post. You and only you can protect your son. He needs you to step up for him. I am scared for him, and he will grow to resent you if something isn't done. What is his biological father's role in his life?
Your H has patterns of anger and they aren't ever gonna get addressed based on what you posted. Has he ever gotten physical with you? I hope not, but sadly, it wouldn't surprise me. Even if there hasn't been any physical abuse, there isn't a lack of emotional abuse.
What is it that you want to do here?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Originally I was here to try to save my marriage. Now, though, as I read other people's stories on here and then reflect on my own, I am starting to realize that this isn't a good thing. It's still hard to accept, but I don't believe he ever really loved me at all. I think he was lonely and depressed when I met him, and he thought I was going to make him happy. I guess I keep posting because I am venting, or maybe trying to sort through the mess inside my head because I can't shake the feeling that this is all my fault (which is what he keeps telling me) - looking for advice I guess...
Based on what you have shared, you could be the perfect wife and your H would find something to be unhappy about.
I am pretty certain that his destructive behavior is the main ingredient in the demise of guy our M. People change when they recognize they have a problem and want to change. Your H doesn't want to change and never has.
The well being of your son should be priority.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
He will do this again and again....He just walked by me in the living room, and I looked at his face....he looks so ANGRY and really MEAN...hard to describe but the look on his face....it's awful
I“m really sorry J. But you need to stand for yourself and protect your family. We all carry things from our past. But it is up to everyone of us to face our demons and mend the damages. If not, they will cyclically rise every now and then. And that ends in abusive behaviors against family members.
I see myself and my childhood when you tell us about your son“s sitch. Although my father was not that much abusive, I“m still carrying some scars. Your son needs to be protected and taken away from that toxic environment.
You need to set boundaries regarding that inmediatly. You need to take action NOW.
(((hugs)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thought everyone might want to know I found an apartmrnt and I am moving into it in two days. It has been an absolute nightmare in my home and I am so excited to be leaving. I was pretty heartbroken about all of this at first, but sitting here watching him get meaner and meaner as the days go by has not only stressed me out but opened my eyes. My son has been worried to death about me, running to my side asking if I am ok everytime my husband screams at me... And he is terrified of him as it is. What kind of life is that for my little boy! My husband had nearly convinced me that my son was the root of all of our problems... And tried to get me to give up custody. He almost succeeded. This man is completely abusive and obviously has a lot of emotional issues that will never be resolved, but I can't keep making them my problem. I finally see how horrible this situation is and always was. Did I want to save my marriage two months ago? Yes. Do I still want to save it? Absolutely not! I needed to get out of my own head to see the light. I know this will take a long, long time to heal from, but I know I am going to be so much better off. I truly hope that other people will see my posts and understand if theirs is a situation like mine they need to run! As for the rest, I hope you succeed in your journeys to better yourselves and your marriage. Thank you to everyone who posted and helped me to see the light. Though I may not have wanted to hear some of it at the time, I am now glad it was said!
Hello J, this is the first I've seen your thread, and like others have expressed here I too read it with a little bit of horror and a lot of sadness! I am so sorry you've been through this, you and your son have clearly been abused emotionally by your H. I am glad to hear you are moving out and hope you can seek out some counseling as well as you would greatly benefit from it. People who are emotionally abused often blame themselves, and say things just like this statement you made earlier:
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So I think this is why am I stuck in this spot, I feel like maybe I am too needy? Should I have just accepted how he chose to show me he loved me?
This just pierces my heart it's so sad. You are NOT being too needy to expect some emotional support in your M! You should NOT accept this as "how he shows love". He may very well be incapable of feeling or showing love, some people are like that. Based on his diagnosis in the military not once but TWICE of having anger issues coupled with the abusive behavior you've described, he may be one of those people.
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I was pretty heartbroken about all of this at first, but sitting here watching him get meaner and meaner as the days go by has not only stressed me out but opened my eyes.
I know it's not easy but it will be the healthiest thing for you and your S. I have a question for you, do you think your H could get so angry over your leaving that he might resort to violence? If so then consider taking out a restraining order. Be VERY aware of your surroundings at all times, especially coming and going from work and home. Have "eyes in the back of your head". Invest in some pepper spray if you don't have it already. Keep it in your hand whenever you're walking somewhere. This may sound extreme, but I've known situations like this before and you need to be very careful for a while.
