Hi joe joe and DJV, My H came home and told me he has been unhappy just like he did 6 months ago when he dropped the DB. He said that our MC was going to tell me this week about the move.....we each had separate appts with him this week, now I know why. I didnt DB....at all. I asked to see his phone which he offered me but he may have deleted any incriminating stuff but it did not stop me from telling him he is a [censored] liar and to get the hell out of the house and he said he wasnt a liar. The thing that frosts my ass is that we havent even been through 6 MC sessions and he decides to get an apt, that tells me all i need to know, he had his mind made up. He then tries to rewrite MY history and tells me i havent been happy either and that he knows he is stressing the hell out of me and I’m walking on eggshells around him and doing things to make him happy, he said in MC that we dont have things in common so I am trying to be open to doing things he likes but its damned if i do damned if i dont.
I told him i was planning a ski trip( something we love to do and have been doing for yrs) and had nothing to do with each wanting his approval.... i told him he is depressed and blaming everything on me, and he told me he knows hes depressed and doesnt blame it all on me, he is still going to IC once a week, i told him we have all been depressed but that I’m not going to break up my family over it...that I am willing to work on things. He said he wanted to talk and and then we sit down and he says nothing I can say to you will make you understand ....and then he was silent, so I said i was going out to walk the dogs and I wanted him gone when I got back. I told him he is not the same person i married and that no matter what I say or do he is going to VIEW me in his mind as “this person”. I told him he was the one who was going to tell our son, and he said he would. I’m back home and some of his clothes are gone. He got stabbed and his dad died last week but he still is moving out....i am speechless.....he gave me false hope, he was being really nice and cuddly with me in bed the last few days and know i now why...just buttering me up for the second Dbomb in a sense. I know a lot of you have said they could detach once there’re spouse was out of the house so that is another reasons why I kicked him out., also wanted to cause some pain. I still feel hurt and sad and scared and like a FOOL. The shitty thing to add is we still have to do family therapy on the phone with my son once a week. I feel so sorry for my son and this is going to be so hard just when he is doing well and hes all about family and reunions etc.
Joe joe thanks for youre reply...i was mean as hell to him..told him he has turned into a bad cliche. I regret it but I feel betrayed....I am doing better than when he first DB me back in July, but part of me was hopeful because we were going to MC....now hes going to be out of our house....this is going to be lonely and hard.
Djvue...i was hoping to hear from you...thank you....I know i didnt validate or let him talk much....he needed to be called out on his [censored] though. I now begin the long road to healing from what looks to be the end of my marriage. But at the same time hoping he calls me. I’m sure he wont. Ive got lots of good friends and things in my life but I know tomorrow i wont feel like getting out of bed. Just venting....
Sansa... I so know what you are going through. In the first few weeks of my sitch, my H told me that he was coming back home...twice... and then backed out both times a few days later. I think he was very caught between doing what he knew was right (because he knew he didn’t work on things and he also knew that he had been a complete a$$) and doing what he felt he needed to do to feel better. In hindsight, I know that if he had stayed when he was still feeling the way he was feeling, we would have still ended up back in the same place as we are now. So, as painful as this has been, it is better this way. My H needs to go down this path and I need to get out of his way. We may run into each other down the road, we may not... but for sure we cannot go back... neither of us can. And to be honest, I wouldn’t want to. My H, for whatever reason, was not a good husband or partner. He was solely focused on himself and what he wanted. That is not a person I want to be married to. I deserve better and so do our children. And even though you are really scared right now, deep down, you know that you do too.
I know how you feel...about not wanting to get out of bed. I have had many, many days like that. However, I would recommend that you force yourself to do it anyway. Focus on what you want and need and on doing what is best for you. Give your H the time and space he needs to figure himself out. The more you do to reach out to him, the longer it will take him to do that as he will just continue to see you as the problem. So step back from all of it as best you can and have faith that you will be okay. BELIEVE IT!! (((HUGS)))
DjvYes I remember reading a bunch of people on this board saying that it was actually easier for them to detach once their spouse had moved out............I just feel like he gave me false hope by telling me he would go to marriage counseling with me and that he wasn’t doing it on false pretense is. We didn’t even finish our counseling and he got a place so that supposed to me he really wasn’t into saving the relationship.I can’t believe it’s been six months and in some ways I have to start the grieving process all over but I will say I am much less of a rack than I was when he first dbombed me back in July. My heart of hearts tells me a few different things one is that he is depressed and has issues the other is that he really doesn’t want to be married anymore or at least wants to be alone. But I am going to detach Like a beast I know it is going to kill me some days even tonight going to bed in our giant king size bed is going to be hard. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for tomorrow and then on Tuesday I’m supposed to meet with the marriage counselor this was the day he was going to tell me about my husband’s apartment.
So I guess my question is what if the therapist thinks we should still stay in marriage counseling even though my husband moved out I feel like if he’s moved out that is a huge sign that he’s not interested in keeping the relationship together and that’s why should we go to counseling. I’m going to ask the therapist to level with me and tell me if he thinks I need to MoveOn I’m sure he seen tons of husbands like mine who he can tell from a handful of visits are just going through the motions with therapy. DJV What would you say to the therapist if you were in my position, would you keep going to therapy if your husband wanted to? Or do you think I am just in need of letting him fully go?I just really don’t want to give myself a false hope I’m afraid of the answer I will get on Tuesday,But the quicker I can except it the quicker I can heal and move forward.
I know that you have come along way I can tell by your post I know you still have some hard days but you son more positive and have more clarity about your situation and are at more at peace with it then you were. And someways you r lucky because have your children where as my son is away and now my husband has moved out and I’m all alone and it’s surreal to say the least.
I would not go to MC at this point. The only way that will work is if both of you have the same goal of keeping the marriage together and it sounds like you H has made up his mind that he doesn’t want that... at least for now. I think it is a bit strange that the plan was for you MC to tell you about your H’s decision as opposed to supporting your H to tell you himself. I think that kind of paves the way for triangulation which never goes well. However, I am not a marriage counsellor so I can’t really say what is the norm. I would just question it. IMO...you are either a MC or an IC but being both to the same couple at the same time...to me, that is a set up for problems. Anyway, the only way I would agree to MC is if my H came to me and asked to go in order to save the marriage. But that’s me. You need to make your own decisions but it seems to me, at this stage, it would be more helpful for you to go to IC to help with detaching and working through some of your grief.
My H originally told me that moving out would give him “clarity”. I think that is a crock of sh#t. That was not what he was hoping it would do. I think he already had clarity, at least as much clarity as his addled mind could have, and that he thought it would be easier to leave if he gave me even just a smidgeon of hope that he would change his mind. All along he has consistently told me that he doesn’t have a “plan”. I think he does. I don’t think it is a good or realistic plan...but he has a plan...even if his plan is just to go with whatever he feels in the moment. Regardless, one of the things I’ve been working on is to stop trying to figure out why my H does what he does. It just means he is taking up too much space in my mind and I need to clear some space for me and my efforts at GAL.
Sansa... I know exactly where you are at right now. If my H had been willing to go to MC back when all this began, I might have been really tempted to go. But I truly believe it would not have helped. I don’t think I would have been able to keep my emotions in check and would have just come across as desperate and weak. Neither of those traits are remotely attractive.
As hard as it has been to not see my H every day, I do think it has helped immensely with detaching. I am not fully there yet but I have noticed that it is getting easier when I do see him. It doesn’t send me for a spin any more. I don’t feel like crying when he leaves. Am I still sad? Sometimes, sometimes not. But it is a sadness that I can handle. And I know that I will become less and less sad over time... and more accepting of the situation. I also know that the worst is over for me... I have felt the loss and am working my way through the grief. My H has not. And I fully believe that he will at some point. It may not be next week or next month or even next year. But he will at some point and maybe he will have regrets...I don’t know. Part of me hopes that when he does feel it, that I will be around to consider recon. However, part of me hopes that I won’t be...that I will have gotten fully past it and moved on to a more fulfilling life. Either way... I win. The one thing I do not want is to be sad and wistful and feeling sorry for myself this time next year. I would HATE that and it would be a waste of a year, IMO. So I am moving forward and dropping the rope. If I can do it, so can you. (((HUGS)))
Thanks DJV I will go in to marriage counseling by myself on Tuesday to hear what the therapist has to say that but my guesses he will say we shouldn’t continue in therapy because how can you work on things when we were not having any time together he will work and then go to his apartment from now on. I really do feel like throwing in the towel right now and just filing for divorce I know I shouldn’t do anything while I am emotional but I feel like nothing has changed my husband is still unhappy and it’s been Six months. I know I need to move on regardless I know it will hurt less and less overtime right now I know things are going to suck really badly for me. Just like I have said in previous posts going to therapy has been in powering for me and I realized a lot of our troubles are caused by him and he Initially when he when he dropped the DB,I was to blame for everything but today he told me that he knows some of it is his stuff and told me he was depressed and that it didn’t have anything to do with me that I think that is a crutch. I think he wants me to feel sorry for him that he is depressed but I think he will say anything at this point. He said to me that he knows that I am stressed out when I am around him and I am doing things to try Please him I told him I’m stressed out because he is shitty to me sometimes when he talks to me and he will be short with me and sometimes lose his temper, and he admitted that that was true. I told him that no matter what I say he is always going to view me in a certain light and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I told him I wanted him out of the house when I got back from walking the dogs and sure enough he was gone and some of his clothes are gone and he has not texted me or called me. I am going to be strong and force myself to go dark although I know I will have to talk to him at some point about our son and about our future plans. He has made his decision to get an apartment and he told me he is unhappy so my guess is he will probably want a divorce eventually. I guess it doesn’t matter I have to focus on myself right now. Easier said than done.
Last edited by Sansa; 01/14/1902:40 AM. Reason: Typos
So I just got a call from our marriage counselor which was surprising I didn’t think he made house calls and he said that he had just spoken to my husband and heard what happened and he was sorry about it and he said that he thought our last session was troubling because my husband seemed like he didn’t think things were working out or how to go forward. I told him that the therapy has been really good for me and made me realize a lot of things were not my issues and the therapist agreed with me in a lot of cases. He said my husband called him from the hotel room and it sounded like he had been drinking and the therapist said he was crying and was very emotional and that was surprising to the therapist because in all of our sessions my husband was very pensive And not really participating and not opening up a lot. The marriage counselor then begin to validate all of the things that I had brought up in marriage counseling about how my husband is unhappy but yet he won’t tell me what would make him happy and then when I try to do things he I still unhappy and blames me or else he’s short with me or rude to me,And this is why we have this song and dance of pursuit and with drawl. He asked me if my husband had a drinking problem and I told him that I thought he very well could,I also spoke about his losing a brother when he was a teenager and the therapist said that that helped fill in a lot of blanks for him and that the loss of a sibling and dealing with trauma at a young age can have lasting affects on a person especially if they don’t ever deal with it. The bottom line is he’s Going to get in touch with my husband’s therapist to see if he is aware of my husband’s childhood trauma and others possible drinking and trying to get a better picture of him he is also going to reach out to my therapist.He said that when my husband comes in on Thursday by himself that he is going to try to pin him down on a few things and he said to me that I have Not done anything wrong and never ever to feel like I am to blame. He said yes we have issues to work out but a lot of the stuff has to do with my husband being burnt out and emotionally shut down to the point where My husband isn’t even aware Basically he’s unaware that he is clueless. Needless to say I am feeling much better after this conversation and I think God that that therapist called me tonight I said a prayer at this little outdoor chapel tonight when I walked my dogs and then the MC called me two minutes later.I feel strengthened by this and feel like if I do split up from my husband it is not for lack of trying.
