Standing our ground - together as a family

[Irish M]

Hi eveyone. I know I don't post often as my MLCr has been quiet. Just before her birthday she started messaging me. A usual event around her birthday or mothers day. Her last messages was all about blaming me and the girls. I asked her to step back a little and reflect on the conversation we were having via email and text. Silence didn't last long.

be warned the exchange i had with her will really make you say WTF, I shouldn't have interacted as much as i did.

I don't think its a coincidence her reaching out to talk today as it is mental health awareness day here in Canada.

I get an email saying lets talk. via phone and not email or text. Can I call you at 4pm after my work.

I say sure, I'll listen to what you have to say. I'll Just listen as I am tired of repeating myself.

Irish, if we are to communicate I will need you to answer any questions I might have. we need to work together for the girls.

XW, I have questions to but lets see waht you have to say first.

4pm on the dot.. ring....ring... do i answer or not. I answer. hello.


Hi irish how are you? so what can i do to get the girls to talk to me. I think its about time. I understand they are mad at me and you are protecting them from me.

XW, i am not protecting anyone. D19 is an adult and D17 is almost there. Have you written them? we discussed this. I don't think they received anything from you. I have told them they can reach out to you and they have your contact info. You need to email them. If it's still about me keeping them hostage or what ever we have nothing to talk about.

ok ok irish. I believe you. I think we need to work on a plan.

I have my plan. it's to parent them and love them. If you have a plan I hope it works but I can't help you.


you know Irish . i know i did bad things. i yelled at them but I loved them too . I had to leave, for my own good.

Do you even remember what you did and said to them. It scarred them. in therapy they talk about it like it happened yesterday.

I don't remember everything. I know they stoll from my apartment and they should of respected me.


stole? they took what was theirs and you lost the rest when you skipped out on your rent.

It was 800$ a month. what was i supposed to do.


XW. I can tell them to read your next email if you send it. I can tell them to be respectful. Will they listen to me. Maybe yes , maybe No. They have a lot of pain still . it will vent out.


you know irish. i am in a new home. its smaller and a bit further away. my boyfriend is not what you have heard. he hit rock bottom when i met him. people now tell me that i changed him for he better. you see his wife left him with their 3 kids. it almost killed him. His kids are adults now and they see their mom. we even have breakfast all together as a family.

well XW, your story sounds familiar. Seems you went to save a man who was hurt.

you have no idea. she had told him at the time . i love you but not in love with you and just took off.

wow. do you hear yourself. don't you realize that is what you did to me, to the kids. i'm sorry. I have to go. This conversation is over.

Irish, its not the same. we didn't work.


bye XW. email the girls. its between you and them .

unbelivable.. I know not to take it personal but her telling me she saved a broken man from his pain. The theory is right on the money. MLCr will seek out LBS and a connection is made. Without even understanding that they did the same thing. I've read it here before. I shouldnt be surprised but it still stings.

Also a depressed person will cling to a broken person to fix them so they feel better for themselves.


I get a text. Whats the girls email adresses.. So i forwarded her last email to them. it was in 2017.

lets see if she finally makes a move to email them.

have a good night everyone.

Irish




.

[Gerda]

WOW, Irish. This is incredible. The denial about her kids is obviously a defense mechanism on some level, still it's crazy that she as no idea about them. But even more crazy is that she would not only believe all that about the LBS thing with her BF but that she would think you want to hear about it -- and that she would have no idea that she did that exact same thing to you!!!! WOWOWOWOWOW. I wonder what she imagines you think happened. I guess they have no awareness that we are humans made of flesh so they don't really consider it.

I am starting to wonder if my H will ever wake up. Your story often makes me wonder, there is like zero awareness by your XW, though I guess she is starting to want to reach out to your kids in her twisted way. Mine started in 2013 so I guess I have actually been at it longer! I always find it amazing how they sometimes reach across the boundaries after their pillaging of our entire village and say, "Okay,but come on, we have to obey these other rules here."

[OwnIt]

Gerda, Irish and his wife just grew apart. That's all. Nothing more there.

Irish I also saw mine demonize the children. Mine are entitled brats, yours are thieves. Would have been interesting had you been able to get to the part of her questions. I bet they would have been doozies. I'm going to make a prediction--she isn't going to email the children. After mine has been away for long periods, he is always afraid of rejection and looks for some sign that they will accept him before he communicates with them. He does this by having flying monkeys (lawyers, school administrators, insurance companies) contact me. I think if the girls ever do want to talk to her, they will probably have to send her an email and be ginger with her. Why they'd want to, I have no idea, but my guess is that is what it will take.

[kml]

Wow Irish. “We just didn’t work”? Seeing the way you’ve been with your girls, if she couldn’t make it work with you, how could she make it work with anybody???

The denial is amazing though. I remember my ex telling me a story about a patient of his whose husband had left in a MLC. A few years later he wanted to come back but she said too much water under the bridge. Apparently he forgot all about that warning when he left me a few years later.

You did the right thing though. This is between her and the girls, not your job. It might be better in the long run for your girls to have a cordial if distant relationship with their mom, but they have the right to decide when or if they want to do that. My ex (whose mom was a WAS when he was 17) didn’t reconnect with his mom until he was 26 or 27. (At my urging). They have a good relationship now. Of his two brothers, one waited until his 40’s and one in his 60’s still hasn’t reconciled.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Irish

Wow, XW is lost in denial. She is unable to see the parallel between her and her BF’s XW. That woman was a bad person and XW saved him, that’s XW’s narrative. And very few people are the villain in their own stories.

XW does project her guilt and shame outward to you and the girls. Still so sure they stole from her, and so many other things. Denial, an inability to see; not ignoring - she really cannot accept the facts. So she believes other ones.

However, I do think XW has some modicum of growth / progress. Not so long ago a direct and forward conversation like you had would have never lasted that long, she would have hung up long before.

She is reaching towards the girls. Another sign of progress. It’s their relationship - daughter(s) and mother. You wisely know you don’t fix that relationship; you can gentle steer it a bit, maybe, carefully. And that is in the direction of the girls’ growth - acceptance and forgiveness. Nothing big on your part, if anything (you know your situation best and are well healed) just letting them know it’s ok to contact their mom. You’re ok if they contact their mom. That being said, leaving sleeping dog lay might be best for now. If XW does reach out directly, maybe then encourage the girls a bit.

Irish, that was an amazing proof of the affect of a crisis. Yes, it does sting. And it’s not about you. A crisis person is emotional and irrational. Awakening from such a state, to put one’s feet back in the rational world, I imagine is a difficult path. She is walking, convoluted and confused, poking out once a while.

Mental health awareness day certainly took on a different meaning after all I’ve seen.

You’re a good man Irish.

Have a great day.

DnJ

[peacetoday]

and while they stay in denial
their story in their mind gets validated by their
therapist, family and friends

they really believe it

I really think many MLCers will stay caged, and
only if all the addictions are stopped and they hit a huge bottom and are forced to shift will they snap out into reality


she sees glimpses, and paints herself as the hero...she saved this poor soul
and in her world...her freinds may also see her as that
and her kids as just bad kids

Only she can break the cycle...but shes not ready yet

keeps trying to do the same reach outs over and over not realizing they dont work
that is a form of insanity

[job]

Irish,

I am not surprised at what she said. She's a very lost soul, painting herself as a victim and a rescuer of sorts. She has created this fantasy scenario in her head about saving this man and doesn't realize that she is talking about herself and what she did to her husband and girls. So very sad.

I may be wrong, but if she does email the girls, it will be short and really not much of one. As you have pointed out many times, the girls are old enough to make their own decisions about whether or not to have any contact w/her. She just doesn't get it...they do not want to be involved w/her as long as she is the way that she is.

Again, so very sad. She has lost so much respect and trust from the people who loved her.

Sending warm hugs and positive thoughts your way today.

[bttrfly]

What Kml said, Irish - if she couldn't make it work with you, who could she make it work with? Again with you being the Big Bad Wedge between her and the girls she walked away from. She sure has a hard time remembering her part in anything, doesn't she?

Yes, you gave her too much time. You know that, so I don't need to go further. Nothing has changed here, so keep moving forward.

I've recently had a conversation with my son. I told him that I accepted a financial hit in the divorce to keep things cordial so he wouldn't be dragged in the middle of any nastiness, or feel like he had to pick sides. I said that the most important thing to me was his peace of mind and well being, money can always be earned. I wanted his relationship with his dad to be free of as much baggage as possible from the divorce. I also told him that as a result I felt that I cleared the way as much as possible and the rest was up to them. His relationship with his dad is his responsibility. How it goes from here is up to them to figure out. You've always said the same to both eew and the girls. I'm glad you're holding firm on that.

I'm really sorry she doesn't see how hurtful and insulting her conversation was towards you. But then again, she's never been able to see past her own nose. So very sad, Irish.. I'm glad you've moved on and you're free except for the occasional poking her head out of her rabbit hole. You've got so much to look forward to, try to wash this out of your mind.

xoxo

[DejaVu6]

The rescue theme was alive and well in my sitch too. And...XH is estranged from his eldest. I tried to help early on but she is an adult so I have left it up to him to figure out. As with your girls... I just parent her (when she needs it) and love her...that is my only job right now. Sorry your girls are so hurt. The WAS really does delude themself into thinking only the LBS suffers for their choice. Sadly...we know different. You cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your family...and they will never trust you the way they did before...even if forgiveness happens. Your girls are lucky to have such a great dad. (((HUGS)))

[Irish M]

New thread :

And we keep moving on