Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maika gave you great advice, and it is always a good idea to listen to him. Keeping things brief, and not being overly friendly or interested is always a good idea for dealing with a WAS. You have your own life to live without him. The thing is, that needs to be your truth, not just a front you show him.
You make it sound like he is deciding whether or not to sleep at your place on Christmas. Why would that be his decision? Why would you want that?
Remember not to have any expectations. Zero.
hugs,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Nicole, why would he sleep at your house? Because it's easier on you? If not, then he can just make the drive from his parents. I think even if it is easier or better for you in the short term, it's much worse for you in the long term, and you should not allow him to stay with you and D.
Like Davide said, your new life needs to be your truth, not just a front. I think you've done a pretty good job of this, but I suspect he knows that you haven't really let him go.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/13/1803:35 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I am not great about posting to most people, because it just takes so much time, but I do follow several threads. I have thought about posting to you on a few occasions, but I don't, mainly because I get a sense that you dismiss things you just do not want to hear (read). For example, you have been asked more than once why you continue to spell out "my husband" and you completely ignored it. I think the language (and actions) we choose can mold our feelings and outcomes and so I would advise you think about that. Why don't you call him what he is? WH, WAH, STBXH? Other than on paper, he is not in any real form "your husband," and I do not say that to be rude, but I think it would help you to move forward. Baby steps add up over time and you still seem stuck on wanting him to return.
I also see that you are very stuck on your belief that your life would be better if he were to return and you could have your family together again. It's confusing to me because nothing you say about him indicates that he would be good partner or even decent co-parent. He just sounds like a selfish, adulterous, jerk honestly. He has not even shown remorse for what he has put YOU through and it's all about him and what he feels like doing or not doing. I would actually hope for you that if he does try and R, that you kindly tell him to p1ss off and just focus on being a halfway decent father.
The reason I posted was not to come down on you, but because I see some similarities in us. It seems that you battle with some deep rooted fear of being alone, abandonment or depression/anxiety. You mention that you don't have a family and cannot even talk to them. So it would make sense if you have some internal pain that is keeping you so attached to this (delusional) idea that your WH returning would provide a better life in some way. Maika called me out on something in my thread and I think it applies to you too. Do you see yourself as a victim? Will that be your story? I think the way we continue to view ourselves, and our sitch, very much prevents us from creating a more positive future. Are these things you can unpack with a good IC?
You and your D deserve a good life! A great life! That should not be hinged on whether he comes back or doesn't. I spoke once to you about codependency and you gave a long-winded response as to how that was not what this is. I respectfully disagree. I may not be as educated or intelligent as you and you clearly are a much better writer than I. But I know people and I know what I see; I see a woman that desperately believes that she needs this man to return to have a better life. And I believe you are 100% wrong in that. But, YOU need to change your beliefs and the way you see yourself and your situation. I think it iis time to do some work so that you can start believing that fully. In order to create that wonderful life without him, you first need to accept that it is possible.
