Brave Little Gerda Trods On -- My Faith Journey

[job]

Gerda,

Like DnJ, I had to re-read his posting several times and looks things up to better understand what he was saying. The man is out there for sure. Unfortunately, he is right about one thing...you both are seeing the situation w/two different sets of eyes.

I know that you are having a lot of financial issues right now....but you need to hire a lawyer. This man will talk over top a judge and lawyer and they'll be shaking their heads up and down because he comes off as a high ranking scholar. Trust me, you need a lawyer. Do you have any legal aid places in your area that can assist you for the time being? You need legal help now!

I also agree that he wants his fair share regardless of whether or not he's put money in the kitty over the years. He's not going to be easy to negotiate with...but there has to be something that he really, really wants that you can use in the negotiation. What could it be?

You have doing a fabulous job of staying the course, knowing when to remain silent and also when to speak up. Now, it's time to roll those sleeves up and document everything and find a good lawyer.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay positive!

[Gordie]

I second DNJ’s advice.

I think you need a L.

You are in my prayers.

[Gerda]

DnJ, Gordie, Job, thank you all so much for helping me so much and for the support and taking the time to look up vocab words. : )

I am if anything more intellectual than he and I can assure you that the words are big but say nothing. I am just surprised that to you they don't look completely insane and that you feel somewhat impressed by them. To me they are ravings with good vocabulary.

The question is, would a judge find these notes crazy? He hasn't done anything for the kids in years and for the first three years of the crisis, we usually didn't know where he was. Now I still don't know where he is most of the time but at night he tries to connect with them a little and then in the morning with my D as she wakes early. He keeps leaving her notes with some breakfast item he made. But if I leave her with him at night to go to my class or church, I come back at 10 or 10:30 and he is passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of wine nearby and she is watching TV, not ready for bed at all, etc.

I mean, what I am documenting? I have a huge file of the crazy e-mails. He drinks a bottle of wine every night. The rest is just stories with no proof. I have friends who could come to court though they will not want to, to attest to the fact that I am a solo parent. He keeps saying I prevented him but until last year I was always asking him. Even when my D was sick at school and had to be picked up whenI was at work, I wouldn't be able to reach him or he would say no and I would have to ask my neighbor to go. But lately he is trying to be with them more so I don't know if judge would just say, "Well, he's trying now, so you have to let him."

Can I ask for a psych evaluation? DnJ, why didn't you?

Today I asked both kids about if they would want to stay with me if Papa "took me to court or something." I still haven't mentioned the word divorce, and if you notice in his notes, he doesn't use the word with me either! Both kids said they wanted to be with me though my daughter was confused and got very scared. Then she pointed out that it wouldn't even be that different if we were divorced and then she said, "If I stayed with him, would he take money out of my wallet?" because of his doing that twice (not sure if I ever posted that story).

I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth. I keep feeling like it's a nightmare I can't wake up from.

And it's nice of you to say I am doing well but I am basically a puddle on the floor. I am still so attached that I kept reading the two places where he said he loved me and feeling hope! He hasn't said he loved me in years. And I felt like the second note pointed to his confusion and the fact that he doesn't even understand what divorce is, in a certain way.

There is no way I can get a lawyer. I literally can't afford to both buy groceries and pay the mortgage. I have been pro se for my other case for over a year and I know what to do. I don't have to sign anything and can drag this to trial. But if I have to go to trial, I will try to get one.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda.

It is good you asked the kids what they thought and who they would want to live with.

I think you should change how you approach this subject with kids. The “Took me to court or something” is vague. Kids are pretty smart and can figure a lot of stuff out, but they also have a lot of questions. You are the one who has to answer them, and provide guidance.

Neither you or H has used the word divorce. So let’s leave it out of the conversation for now. Ask them who they would want to live with if Dad left me, or if Dad and I lived separately. There is not much point in sugarcoating it too much, if you end up in court a judge is going to ask your kids bluntly, he needs to know their wishes. Might as well let them get used to the idea - you will probably be surprised at how quickly your kids figure this out. (I had these difficult conversations so I know how bad you feel, it does get better - honest)

I understand you feeling like a puddle on the floor, been there, hated it. Yes, you are very attached right now. You re-reading what H wrote is not helping by the way. Focus and work on detachment.

I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth. I keep feeling like it's a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Oh, how I remember the nightmare. (((Gerda)))

To be accurate and helpful towards getting through this. It is a nightmare and you cannot wake up. You need to accept it.

You will learn to accept things that are unacceptable, to forgive things that are unforgivable. You will find your way out of the nightmare.

Can I ask for a psych evaluation? DnJ, why didn't you?

A psych evaluation - why didn’t I ask for one?

Well a few things. My sitch is different, I and the kids found out right after a wonderful Thanksgiving Diner. We had zero seconds of notice and saw no signs of the impending destruction heading our way. You have had H unraveling five years.

I did talk to W about my concerns for her mental health, the possibility of menopause or other brain chemistry imbalance - didn’t go so well.

She did admit that she did at one point thought she was going crazy, but a crazy person wouldn’t think that, so therefore she was sane.

I did speak to the medical community a bit. People have the right to be crazy. You cannot force someone to get help. No matter how much you may think they need it.

Legally it is a tightrope. Irrational people can make binding decisions, insane people cannot. Her L and two financial planners signed to the fact that she was in sound mind to sign her separation.

Our doctor who has know both of us for years was shocked with what she had done. He did speak to her, push things as far as he could, but in her mind nothing is wrong. He did tell me he would get her in to see a psychiatrist if I could get her to ask him. Of course she would not listen to me, the siren’s call from OM was just to powerful.

A person who is a danger to themselves or others is a different story. That however is not my case, W currently does not pose any danger that I am aware of. I hope so anyhow, she has a restricted firearm license now. (She never hunted or want to fire guns before)

The short of it is. W left her children and hasn’t looked back. There is little doubt she is irrational, healthy people just don’t do that.

My sitch was very cut and dried. It is so obvious how mixed up she is. I read so much, and learned so much. I knew she has to do this, there is no stopping her - for goodness sakes she threw away her own children, what could I possible do? How could I fix this? Well of course I can’t fix her, I didn’t break her. So I let her go.

When she only took some money and left everything and signed full custody of the kids to me, I was heartbroken. I knew that was the best thing (well next to the best thing) for me and the children. I had to stop worrying about her choices and start worrying about mine.

A psych evaluation is an attempt at trying to fix our spouse, to point out what is wrong with them. They don’t want that, they will not accept that, they will use that as justification against you.

That is why.


Gerda there is a difficult journey ahead of you and I pray for the best outcome for you and your kids.

DnJ

[DnJ]

Psst Gerda - Job’s going to tell you it’s time to start a new thread.

[job]

Gerda,

I don't think that a psych evaluation request would fly. Has he done bodily harm to himself, the children or you? Is he talking of suicide? Putting forth such a request may anger him even further and who knows how he would be to live w/then. You are trying to fix his problems and you can't. He's seeing life through different glasses and he's not happy w/the way things are. He's just not a happy man and the only thing he sees as relief is to separate everything, get his share of the "money" and run. He really and truly doesn't care where the money comes from just as long as he gets his hands on it. He looks at you as an authority figure, most likely a parent. Teenagers don't appreciate parents being in control of things. They think they know what is best for them.

Start documenting his behavior around the kids, i.e., you came home and found his fast asleep on the sofa and your daughter wasn't in bed. Document that. You need justification as to why he shouldn't have full time custody. They need to see dates, times, and behavior. If there is a pattern, then there is cause for concern about him having full time custody. Trust me, documenting his actions, comments and behavior will go a long way in proving your case that he's probably not a good fit for full time custody.

I know that your head is spinning and none of this is what you want, but you need to find a way to accept that what he feels are his feelings and his wants are his own. Gerda, you can't fix him. He has to do that himself. The only person that you can control right now is you and how you react to his crazy making behavior. Your role right now is to stay strong and fight for your children.

New Thread:

Brave Little Gerda Gazes Into the Endless Tundra