DnJ knows a lot about bad timing, but agreed your spouse takes the cake. This lull you into thinking everything is fine and then running at you with a cleaver thing is a bit odd. Just wondering, since often it seems to be pleasant between you, if you could say, hey spouse, it would be great if the next time you have something big to talk about it, we could do it in person and a time where we are not expected to be somewhere. Mine likes to surprise me too, never any warning when actions are taken, but I guess that you can even get used to the idea of being constantly surprised. Seems to affect me less and less as he does it.
Hi ShadowBunny - it’s kind of funny. Reading OneArt’s post I realized I was so thinking about you and your King of Bad Timing, I totally forgot about my own Queen of Bad Timing. Ha, I didn’t even think about it until I read OneArt’s post. One would think that should have triggered me or something. Hmmm.
So there you go. Eventually you will find indifference. I guess there it is, I can’t come up with a better demonstration than what just happened.
Keep following the guidance you will be fine.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So just a quick update: the commute home was unpleasant. Not horrible, just unpleasant. He informed me that he had purchased D papers from somewhere online (which is a bit silly, given that they're available for free from our county's website), but whatever.
2 days later on the way TO work he wanted to talk about the division of money and property. I told him that I wasn't able to discuss anything related to the D on the way to work or while at work; that it made it too hard to concentrate on work. I made a statement along the lines of "you know I don't want this, and it's heart-wrenching for me. I get that this makes you happy, but the thought of divorce is wrecking me." His response? "I'm not happy about this, either."
WHAT? Then why, for the love of all that's good in this world, are you blowing up our marriage? That's what I wanted to say. Instead, I went with a "this is all just very, very messed up." But at least he agreed not to hit me with this stuff at work.
We are talking about it now. I made the mistake of asking him what happened to change his mind, as last year we were talking about early retirement and how to accomplish it. Nor surprisingly, he went into revisionist history about how he's been miserable for the past 8 years, how I've caused him PTSD because of my "affair", blah-blah-blah. I told him that I wasn't going to try to defend myself against his accusations any more, and that I needed a break from talking about the finances. I have ZERO doubt that all of this has come from the outside. Someone is whispering in his ear how much happier he'd be without me. It's funny -- I've always taken his word that his ex-W and other serious g/fs have all cheated on him. Now I'm beginning to wonder if his romantic paranoid delusions have played a factor in all of his relationships.
So I'm here posting, in the middle of a discussion about finances and houses. Because I need a distraction from this nonsense that is currently my life. And just typing it out helps me process. I thank God for you, my online support people.
Married 10 years Me: 53 H: 51 ILYBNIL Bomb: JUN 2018 Still living together
So here I am, almost a year to the day that my world felt like it fell apart. And I'm happy to report that H and I have reconciled!
As recently as Dec of 2018 he was still saying he wanted a divorce, although he hadn't filed. I assumed he was just getting us through the holidays. He went out of town for NYE; by that time I had vowed that I wouldn't let his actions rule my emotions. He came home earlier than I expected from that trip; made the comment that he didn't have a very good time and should have come home earlier. I simply said "I would have liked that" and kept about my business.
Over the course of the next few months I noticed he was texting me during he day more often, hanging out with me to watch tv, and overall being more "present." Then in April, I was out of town for business. He asked me to call him when I got to my destination so he'd know I had arrived safely. I did so, and we chatted about where I was, the hotel, etc. When I made a move to hang up, he told me he loved me. I honestly wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, so I didn't say it back.
The following evening, he called again. And this time, he said it with more confidence. And I said it back.
We're still working some things through, but he's in treatment for his anxiety and depression, and has apologized for what he put me through. Michelle's book, Lysa Terkuest's books, and a renewed dedication to my Bible study were my lifesavers during this storm. And this forum. I may not have posted often, but I read. A lot. You all have been a God-send. Thank you.
Married 10 years Me: 53 H: 51 ILYBNIL Bomb: JUN 2018 Still living together
Congratulations! I am so happy for you. It is a new marriage and one that will require much work, but at the end of the day, you will be very happy that you hung in there.
Don't be a stranger, please come back and let us know how things are when you get a chance.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
