A friend of mine's parents have done that. It happens. Doesn't mean it will happen for you, but keep DB'ing all the same. We don't get to control the spouse.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Is there anyone here who reunited with their spouse post divorce. All my friends believe he doesn’t realize the implications of a divorce and will come back to me. How do I handle this situation as I would gladly take him back if he’s willing to work on our marriage.
Is there anyone here who reunited with their spouse post divorce. All my friends believe he doesn’t realize the implications of a divorce and will come back to me. How do I handle this situation as I would gladly take him back if he’s willing to work on our marriage.
Yes it has happened. But I'll tell you what happens far more often- The LBS is crushed, miserable, hurting and lonely. The WAS walks all over their feelings and acts like the marriage was all a mistake and tells them it's 100% over with no chance of recon. The LBS very slowly starts to build a life without their spouse while holding the door open in case they decide to come back. Months go by, then years. Eventually the LBS becomes strong, independent, happy. They realize they don't need a crap marriage to a person that doesn't care about them and they move on. They may have someone else in their life or they may choose to stay single, but regardless they almost always find a fulfilling life without the WAS.
THEN the WAS suddenly comes crawling back. Usually they've hit rock bottom and are desperate and needy and full of regret. The problem is the LBS has MOVED ON. They no longer WANT that person in their life. Most of the time when this happens it's the LBS that says "too little too late" and tells the WAS to pound sand. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this happen with friends and family in my life, and in situations on these forums.
Sometimes the LBS does give the WAS a shot, but it's a tough road because the LBS has built their walls up high. So the WAS has to do a lot of work, which is just as it should be.
As far as specific examples, I know two different couples who got remarried after D, I am friends with the men in both couples and in both cases they reunited years after D, in both cases the recon was several years ago, and in both cases they are happier in their M then they ever were before. So it does happen.
My feelings are he’s not sure what he wants. He wants a divorce but told me he might be making a mistake and want me back in a year or two. He wants me to stay friends and keep our relationship going-especially as friends. He wants to be able to get together for holidays with our daughters and their families and for family get-togethers. We have dinner together every night. I’m just confused as to what he thinks this divorce is going to do to our relationship and our family dynamics. It seems he’s treating it like a trial separation. That’s what leads me to think he’s going to quickly regret it.
Tragically his mom passed away after a brief illness on the ninth. I know the death of someone close can plunge someone into mlc, but can it also make one come out of an mlc. Can it make you re-examine choices and life decisions that you are contemplating? We are four weeks away from mediation. If I’ve learned nothing else through this whole thing, it’s how strong I can be.
Also can you continue db’ing post divorce? How do you do this? I’ve been told to keep being there for him if I’m trying to reconcile the marriage. Is this true?
You are correct, but unfortunately he does know that he doesn't want you right now. That can change with time, but for now he doesn't want to be married to you. He might still do things for you, and try to have sex with you and such. But don't be confused, he's done.
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He wants a divorce but told me he might be making a mistake and want me back in a year or two. He wants me to stay friends and keep our relationship going-especially as friends. He wants to be able to get together for holidays with our daughters and their families and for family get-togethers.
This is all classic "cake-eating". He wants to have the married life with you now and then while pursuing a life outside of the M as well. My advice to you is to SHUT THIS DOWN ASAP. If you let him friendzone you then he will do nothing but take advantage of you and he will NEVER come back. The only thing that works with MLC men is tough love. They've got to learn to miss you, and that means letting them know in no uncertain terms that you are WAY too good to be his Plan B. You are his Plan A, or you are not in his life except as a coparent.
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We have dinner together every night.
I would stop that. Don't let him cake-eat.
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I’m just confused as to what he thinks this divorce is going to do to our relationship and our family dynamics.
He doesn't care. All he cares about right now is numero uno.
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Also can you continue db’ing post divorce? How do you do this?
Absolutely, most of us that took on DB'ing are doing it for life. I don't try to control and "fix" people anymore, I listen and validate and try to be there for them. My family, my kids, my GF, even my coworkers. I've shed my "nice guy" tendencies and become a better friend, SO, father. It's all thanks to DB'ing. It didn't save my M but it saved me.
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I’ve been told to keep being there for him if I’m trying to reconcile the marriage. Is this true?
Another woman doesn't have to be involved for it to be cake-eating. But he wants your friendship, he wants married interactions, he doesn't want to commit to being in R with you. That's horrible. Do it if you want. Some people have open relationships, some people are into weird stuff. It's not for me.
If you keep being there for him in an attempt to reconcile, he's going to have little reason to change. Maybe he'll take pity on you and you shame him into doing the right thing. Would that be OK with you?
You would really benefit from reading some other situations or threads on here and seeing the advice given, understanding the concepts.
You need to stiffen up and show him what he stands to lose.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
