First , let me apologize in advance about spelling or grammar issues as I am on my phone, and it’s hard to type.
Basically, I have been married about 11 years, and have one child (7). My wife has never really been a super sexual person from the start. Unlike me, I am a very sexual person and always have been. Well, when we were dating we would have sex basically every time we hung out. Then we got married and it died down a little which I expected . It was about 3 times a week. Then my son was. Born and our sex life went into full on family mode where it has been for the last several years. Once a week , on the same day and time. Always. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she says that she’s tired during the week. We don’t really hang out together because we really don’t like the Same stuff at all. I’ve actually been thinking lately why I married her to begin with. However, out of every girl I’ve ever had a relationship with , my wife and I never fight. Literally, I can count on one hand how many fights we’ve had in all the years. I don’t know why we get along , we just do. She never has any desire to go out with me and do adult things. She would rather just stay home and watch tv. She had a medical procedure done a while back and we couldn’t have sex for about 2 months. This was very difficult for me due to my high sex drive. However, once it was over it was great sex I’ll admit. The next day she says that because it felt so good to wait so long she wants to start doing that more often. So maybe for 2 weeks we’ll do it once a week then take 2 weeks off. I HATE this idea. She said she likes “wanting me” and not feeling like it’s a chore. She recently admitted to me that she knows our sex drives are vastly different. She would be fine going a month or so with nothing and I want it at least twice a week. I thought maybe as she got older her sex drive would increase (not sure why) but it seems to be decreasing! I’m not sure what to do here. I’ve never cheated on her but my eyes wander a lot. Everything else about her is fine except this one thing (I know it’s a big deal) I came across one of Michelle’s video online and it led me here. How do two people who have such different sexual appetites make it, or do we? Are we doomed to fail? Thanks for any feedback.
I’m sure I left a few things out due to brevity, so feel free to ask.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Wyldeza, it doesn't sound like you're doomed to fail. There must be a way for you and your wife to compromise if you can find a way to communicate the right way. Divorce Busters also may not be the best place for you. It seems like a sex therapist or a different resource may be more relevant although I'm sure you can still apply some DB techniques to help your situation. It's really hard when a spouse won't try to meet the other's needs or puts their needs above the others. Your situation sounds serious and I'm sure you feel trapped and desperate to find a solution but perhaps you can take a multi-pronged approach by finding a good counselor, practicing DB, and also being somewhat realistic about what having a child and a medical procedure can do to a woman. It should get better as your child gets older and becomes more independent. I hope you can find a solution that works for you and your wife!
The comments below only apply if her lack of wanting sex is the real issue and not other things.
The question you need to ask yourself first is "What have I done to try and make her want sex more?" If there is no medical reason for her lack of desire for sex there are things you can do to increase her arousal. Firstly you should start going to the gym, dressing up nicer, wearing cologne, have a nice hair style etc. All people are more aroused by someone who looks better versus the same person that does not try to look good. Next have you tried giving her compliments to make her feel more beautiful and sexy. Compliment her clothes, her smile, her hairstyle if she does it differently. I am sure you get the picture. Most women really like to be touched and caressed when there is no expectation of sex. Offer her a footrub to start as that is easily taken as non sexual. Backrubs as well but then there is the issue of expectation (on your part and fear of expectation on her part).
Give her kisses for no reason and the same with hugs and cuddling. If she really likes watching TV then just watch TV with her and cuddle. You might have to do this for a few weeks or even months (or possibly only a few days) to make a difference but it will take the pressure she feels off of her about sex. If you make someone feel wanted then they will want you in return. By changing how you treat her she will have no choice but to respond differently compared to what she normally does.
If none of this works then there could be some other issue such as hormones, other marital problems, etc.
Me:43 Wife:35 Married:9 yrs Together:11 yrs Children: B7, G4 , G2 DB & DR bought and in the mail Bomb drop: 05/05/18 EA: Suspected but no proof Status: not getting divorced but not piecing yet
First , let me apologize in advance about spelling or grammar issues as I am on my phone, and it’s hard to type.
Basically, I have been married about 11 years, and have one child (7). My wife has never really been a super sexual person from the start. Unlike me, I am a very sexual person and always have been. Well, when we were dating we would have sex basically every time we hung out. Then we got married and it died down a little which I expected . It was about 3 times a week. Then my son was. Born and our sex life went into full on family mode where it has been for the last several years. Once a week , on the same day and time. Always. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she says that she’s tired during the week. We don’t really hang out together because we really don’t like the Same stuff at all. I’ve actually been thinking lately why I married her to begin with. However, out of every girl I’ve ever had a relationship with , my wife and I never fight. Literally, I can count on one hand how many fights we’ve had in all the years. I don’t know why we get along , we just do. She never has any desire to go out with me and do adult things. She would rather just stay home and watch tv. She had a medical procedure done a while back and we couldn’t have sex for about 2 months. This was very difficult for me due to my high sex drive. However, once it was over it was great sex I’ll admit. The next day she says that because it felt so good to wait so long she wants to start doing that more often. So maybe for 2 weeks we’ll do it once a week then take 2 weeks off. I HATE this idea. She said she likes “wanting me” and not feeling like it’s a chore. She recently admitted to me that she knows our sex drives are vastly different. She would be fine going a month or so with nothing and I want it at least twice a week. I thought maybe as she got older her sex drive would increase (not sure why) but it seems to be decreasing! I’m not sure what to do here. I’ve never cheated on her but my eyes wander a lot. Everything else about her is fine except this one thing (I know it’s a big deal) I came across one of Michelle’s video online and it led me here. How do two people who have such different sexual appetites make it, or do we? Are we doomed to fail? Thanks for any feedback.
I’m sure I left a few things out due to brevity, so feel free to ask.
Wow....I wish we could have had sex that often in my M! Seriously, you work with her on this. Sometimes for women it is the anticipation. But your sitch is not unique. I was more like you, wanting it almost every night. My W could take it or leave it. We had a period in the early 2010s that we went over 2 years without sex.
Sex is about 10% of a marriage when things are good. But when there is an issue with it becomes 90% of a marriage.
The problem is, having sex when only one of you wants it is very unfulfilling for the one that wants it.
I know I am not giving much help here, but just to say others have it worse. SSMs are where there is little to no sex. Your M is more about you just not getting it as often as you would like.
Do you date your W? Are you speaking her love language and filling her love tank? You say you never fight, but don't confuse that with marital happiness. One of the biggest markers for D is a couple that never argues. Hs often think, we don't argue, things are good! But could you be doing more for your W?
We Hs sometimes stop trying. And then wonder why she isn't jumping into the sack with excitement and regularity.
You are not in danger of D here. This might not be the right forum for your problem. There are other MR experts that might be able to help you more. But some of the same DBing principles apply. You can't control her....you can only control you.
So what changes can you make that might help your sitch? Notice, I am not suggesting that you make changes to change her! See the difference? Subtle but there.
Weekly date night. If you aren't doing this.....DO IT NOW. Pick a night. Get a sitter. Ask your W out on a date. Dinner. Dinner and a movie. Picnic in the park. Anything. You say she just wants to sit home and watch TV. But does she really? Or are you always trying to do things with her that YOU want to do. Find out what she wants to do and take her.
Look up talk and touch charges. Reconnecting is the key here. Likely the MR is strained because you have this sex issue on your mind all the time. Most of your discussion with her are about the issue. There is always an undertone of it......she feels pressured. You are exuding pressure in your body language and even your words. Ease up on the sexual pressure. Reconnect with her.
You see, when we date, we do all the little things. But then we get married and we let go of the little things and expect that our Ws will still want sex with us. Go back to doing the things you did when you were dating.
Put love first. Sex second. GIft give to her. Give her nights off from child care. Do things for her. When we aren't getting sex the way we should we have a tendency to slip into a very selfish place. Get back to unselfishness.....like you were when you were dating her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Doesnt MWD have a book on the sex-starved marriage? Maybe start there?
Also, I find the 5 love languages is a good read. May help you understand the differences between how you two give an receive love. Maybe she needs to be connected with in other ways to make her open to the idea of sex.
Sex is about 10% of a marriage when things are good. But when there is an issue with it becomes 90% of a marriage.
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Doesnt MWD have a book on the sex-starved marriage? Maybe start there?
Also, I find the 5 love languages is a good read. May help you understand the differences between how you two give an receive love. Maybe she needs to be connected with in other ways to make her open to the idea of sex.
Id start with those reads.
Most marriages and relationships have a situation with LD/HD (Low desire/High Desire) and very few people are perfectly matched in this regards.
SSM book is a great read and a good place to start
