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Originally Posted by WillD78
It's happening. She's moving out on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about it. Here they are:


Of course you are going to run through all those emotions, and many more! I know this is tough, but once you get through this part things get much easier day-by-day. Like you said, settling into that "new normal" is the key.

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2. Anger. W refuses to see an IC. I see one who is a family therapist. He helps me understand what is in our Ds best interest and W telling them she is leaving and then actually leaving that same day is not in their best interest. Despite me expressing this to her, she is adamant about leaving on Saturday. Fine. A large part of me is very ready for her to be gone, but I'm so angry at how unbelievably selfish she is being in regards to our Ds' best interest. I have been asking her to plan an exit strategy with me for two months. She's too afraid to confront her own decisions and talk about them. She would rather just do and force me to deal with the mess she creates.


Understandable. All you can do is be the best dad possible to your kids, be their rock in this tough time.

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3. Anxiousness. I am dreading this transition period to the new normal for a lot of reasons. Having to defend this situation to my Ds when it's not what I want and I don't support it. Watching them experience this will be heart wrenching. I don't know how I can be strong for them, but I will find a way.


Well keep in mind that while you are losing your W 100% of the time, they're only losing their mom for part of the time. It's not like they're never going to see either of you again, you will both be there for them. I expected my kids to be devastated when XW moved out, but surprisingly they were excited about having two places to live. They wanted to show me how they had set up their rooms at her place. It was surreal. So love and support them, but don't be surprised if they're not as despondent as you think they will be. And if they are, then it may be a good idea to get them in counseling for a while.

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Spending nights alone, without my family, in our home.


That was the hardest part for me. That first week that XW had the kids, wow. The girls even wanted to take the dog so it was literally just me there in the house alone for the first time ever in that house we had bought new together 15 years before. I didn't know a house and a bed could feel so utterly empty. But that is the time to double down on GAL. I did everything I could to get out of the house and do things. At first I had to force myself, but eventually I began to enjoy it. Now my two D's have grown and moved out. I still have my S every other week, but he's 15 and pretty independent. So I have a lot of alone time. And I've come to love it! I work out, I tinker with stuff in the garage, I work on my art. I miss my XW 0% of the time now. I love stretching out in the bed, staying up late if I want, watching a movie and cranking up the surround sound, going for a motorcycle ride on the spur of the moment. I have a GF, but I don't need her. She's just someone that now and then comes along for the ride that is my awesome life. You'll get there too. It takes time, it takes pain, it takes hard work. But you will get there.

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Getting lost in my thoughts about the future I thought we would have now being nothing but a memory.


Yup. Life is not on board with our hopes and dreams and wishes and plans. It has it's own agenda, and it will slap you down just about the time you think you have it figured out. This experience changed my perception, now I take life a day at a time.

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I'm looking forward to truly rediscovering myself and doing some things that I want to do. Truly GAL when I'm not with my children and especially when we are together. Taking them to new places. Making new daddy-daughter memories. Giving them the best life I possibly can. My future is bright, with or without W. I'm at least above the 50th percentile in smarts, success, and looks. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I know that I have a better me and a better relationship at some point in my future.


Awesome, that's the spirit grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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WillD,

I am at the exact same point. WW has been having affair for 4 months now and she said last night was her last she is moving out. I do feel I am at a new low after a few solid weeks of DBing but this is the only true way I know if she ever wants to come back.

I know it will make things easier in the long run because not having her around reduces any anxiety that I have when we are in the room together or if/when she will walk in door. I have been working on me and this will give me more opportunity to do so.

And yeah it stinks big time, but I plan on taking it in small steps. Get out there meet new people, enjoy my kids, do some things that I had to ask permission to do before.

Last edited by lost8; 09/06/18 07:33 PM.

H-50
W-48
T-19
M -18
S23, S14
BD - 5/9/2018
OM discovered 5/10/2018

In house sep - 8/18/2018
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I feel like I owe you guys an update because everyone has been so great to me here. Nothing good, but here's the latest. It's long and boring. But I'm moving along ...

We decided to tell the kids last weekend and then W would make the move at some point in the next few days. We had a really nice lunch out as a family last Saturday. It was just lovely. As we are walking into our home after lunch, W says: "Do you want to talk to the girls now?" Talk about surreal. Anyway, that was one of the worst days of my life. D7 cried and just kept repeating, "No, I don't want to!" W had the wall up big time and was stoic. I'm sure our girls could feel my pain.

After a the tears, our Ds were actually excited about now having two places to live. Then came the questions and anxiety from D7: What if I don't make any friends there? Will we still eat dinner together as a family? That second one ripped my heart out all over again.

Week goes on and then on Friday W tells me VIA TEXT that she is leaving that night. Just classic. We tuck the girls into bed and she leaves. I had a whiskey and watched a comedy film.

Saturday morning the girls get up and they're wondering where mommy is. I explain. W shows up so that we can all go see her apartment. I insisted on seeing it before I allowed the girls to stay there. Let's just say that it's not anything like we're used to. It actually made me feel bad for W. She asked if the place was good enough? I shouldn't have said it, but I said, "Yeah, but is it good enough for you?" W: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well I wouldn't want to live here." I know. Rude. I apologized a bit later and said, "You did a really nice job with the girls room. It looks nice." And it's true. The place may be a dump, but it's safe and the girls loved their new room. I need them to be happy there.

I took the girls to a college football game that afternoon. We left at halftime, came home, and W took the girls for the night to her place. They were sad to leave me, but W said they got over that quickly.

I knew I would be in a bad place, so I had a friend on standby to come over. He came by and we had cigars and beers on the deck while watching football. W texts me about 90 minutes after she left. She just realized that she doesn't have any cookware or knives and wanted to "borrow" a frying pan and knife. "Sure," I say. She brings the girls over and grabs what she needs. The girls are excited about new toys and clothes that W bought them for their new house. They leave after 5 minutes. About an hour later, W texts again: "I need help." She's sick and needs to go to urgent care. Drops the girls off again. They stay for an hour and she comes back to get them. She has a UTI. I head over to my friend's (neighbor) house for some pizza and then back home to bed.

Sunday, I wake up feeling pretty down, but I get busy around the house. Cleaning, moving things around. The doorbell rings. It's my FIL. Guess what? He doesn't know ANYTHING. So I have to tell him because he wonders why the house is empty at 8:30 on a Sunday morning. He is sad. We were the last people he thought this would ever happen to. He wants to stay close with me.

Then I do some grocery shopping for the week. Visit my parents. Mow the yard. And at 4pm the girls are back. They didn't sleep well. Their new beds are uncomfortable. They miss their rooms. We play outside in the sprinkler. They watch some cartoons. They miss mommy. I prep dinner. D4 cries for mommy. She asks if mommy is coming to eat dinner with us. D7 tries to be strong, but I can see the sadness on her face. I hug her. She breaks down in my arms. I can't do this, I think. I can't stand to see my children hurting like this because of the failures of their parents, and mostly their mommy who doesn't even have to witness any of this pain. It rips my heart apart. I give in and text W: "The kids are a mess. Can you come see them?" I justify this in my head. It's the first night. This is a transition. It truly was for my girls' and not me. She comes over and it's happy fun time for an hour until bed. She helps me tuck them in to bed. Then leaves with tears in her eyes, and asks me to update her when they fall asleep because D7 has a sore throat and my be getting sick. W texts 20 minutes later. I tell her the girls are asleep. She says thank you. I text back: "Are you OK?" She doesn't respond.

This morning was hard. Not emotionally, just the new routine of being a single dad. Getting breakfast. Feeding the dog. Brushing teeth and hair. Making sure everyone is ready for school. Looks like I'll need to get up an hour earlier than normal. So today was a good practice for the new normal. D7 wanted to see mommy, so I tell W to meet us at the school for drop off. The girls are happy to see her. Then I take D4 to preschool. She was happy. I forgot her water bottle. Oh well, not too bad for the first morning on my own.

I have my Ds tonight and Tuesday night, too. Then back to W's house for two nights. I just hope they can adjust to this OK. W still won't see an IC. I can't make her, but I am worried about her emotional well-being. Even her dad didn't know what was going on. She has only told one friend, as far as I know. She needs to talk to someone, but it's out of my hands now. I must try to be strong for my Ds and hopefully we can get through tonight without having to call mommy to come over.

Thanks all for your support.


Me: 40 W:39
T: 19 M: 12
D4, D7
EA/BD: August 2017
EA ended: Oct 2017
MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018
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Selfishness. That´s the common denominator on WWs minds. I was one of those...

Sending you and your girls a big hug.

Keep DB, you´ll get stronger as time goes by.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Thanks, neffer. Really appreciate it. A lot.

Just a brief update:

My Ds were great last night. A few tears when I picked them up from W, but they were gone quickly and didn't return. We had a great evening together and, even at bedtime, they were happy and singing. I really needed that to happen, and they did, too.

Saw W this morning at the school to drop off D4 to be with her during my workday. I felt nothing toward W other than some anger and disgust. I've read enough here to know that I'm probably not really detached at this point, but it sure feels like I am right this minute. And I know my feelings may change later today, tomorrow, or next week. But right now, I feel nothing for her. We had a great life. A great family. Great times together. And she threw it away for what? To live alone in a dumpy 2BR apartment by herself. Because she can't figure out her own emotional issues. It's just ridiculous. I hope she gets some help. I'm ready to move on. The only sadness I feel right now is for my Ds. That's the first time I haven't felt sad about my sitch with W in almost 13 months. And that feels really good.


Me: 40 W:39
T: 19 M: 12
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EA/BD: August 2017
EA ended: Oct 2017
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Those feelings will come and go Will. Just keep in mind how to keep DBing when that happens. Moving forward man.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Thanks. I DBed the heck out of this encounter. Ha ha! Smile and "good morning" to W. Hugs and goodbyes to kids. Then "Later" to W, and I'm on my way to the office.


Me: 40 W:39
T: 19 M: 12
D4, D7
EA/BD: August 2017
EA ended: Oct 2017
MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018
W signed lease: July 10, 2018
W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
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OK, DBers. I get to ask for some advice. Yay.

W texted me to say that she is going to take our Ds to the local high school homecoming parade tomorrow and invited me along. I replied with "Thanks. I'll think about it."

I had plans to play poker with some friends tomorrow, but they fell through. Earlier today I actually looked up the parade to see when it was so that I could take the girls myself, and I was bummed to see that it was on W's day.

So, do I go? I feel like this is completely about spending time with my Ds on my W's day, doing an activity Ds love, and giving them some family time ... but I may very well be fooling myself. I've done that before. Keep in mind, we just officially separated Friday. I'm thinking I go to spend time with the Ds and have no expectations, but it's so early on in the separation, what do I do????

Thanks.


Me: 40 W:39
T: 19 M: 12
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EA/BD: August 2017
EA ended: Oct 2017
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You find something else to do. Then tell her you're busy. D's will say "I wish Dad were here!" WAW has to deal with that as a consequence of her decision to separate.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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