The beginning of a long and painful journey

[Rawpain]

Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement . I am definitely heading out on my bike tomorrow. I have the kids tonight so cant do tonight.

Hoosjim. Regarding my Faith . I lost mine quite a while ago. My mum still attends the church I used too and has been inviting me around to church get togethers to meet people. I have attended 2 so far and it is good for me. I will try and keep that up. Many older and younger people in the congregation though but it might lead to other groups of people.

Just an update after posting yesterday my W said she wanted to come around to talk. She arrived with the kids and wanted to talk about the house. W has stated that she doesnt want any money for the house and just wants her name off the deeds.
There isnt any money if we sell and my mum paid the deposit out of my inheritance. W only paid half of 6 months of mortgage payments So this does seem fair to me. It also sounds too good to be true...

Then she asked if I was happy for us just to stay separated or would I want a divorce. I told her I would rather the divorce. For me just being separated just feels like more disrespect towards me. W said we can do the divorce for around £550 and have it done in about 2 months if we file it as unreasonable behaviour - understatement! ... but this seems the cheapest and easiest way. We both agreed to research both topics and discuss it in the future. W did not state if she was going to file or if that was a hint that I should do it.

I was very casual and played it as cool as I could. No other R talks. Not really any emotion just grey rock. I didnt feel it was the time to act the happy chappy role. I probably could of validated more but I just listened really. It was hard trying to have a conversation with someone when they can only look every where else except at me .

Thanks again to you all for reading and chopping in with advice.

[neffer]

Imho you did well. Just keep DB.

Sending you a hug

(((Raw)))

[Rawpain]

W has sent a lot of messages this week. Considering it has been radio silence for the last few months it feels odd. Mostly about the kids asking how they are and to tell them she loves them. I know that on two of these occasions she has been with OM at the time (once whilst watching football at OM house. Son told me she was going. I didnt ask). She even slipped up and put a kiss on the end of one. I have done well with only answering back if it was a question and not always straight away . She also txted goodnight last night at the end of the message which felt strange. I didnt reply. I would say a quarter of them were irrelevant. Seems odd .

On another note It was S7 b-day this week and she didnt do anything with him or take him anywhere. This is very out of character for W. She used to really make a big fuss over b-days. He got presents and a cake but no banners or anything. She took him to her gym twice for the weekend.I celebrated with him and had cake and listened to music and had a play and pizza.my Dad came around and we had a nice time. I have plans with S7 and DD3 to go bowling too for him this weekend.

Bike ride tonight. Looking forward to it.

Another thing. After talking to a customer about the walks Ive been doing. She offered me her number so she could come too.

[Manta]

Hang in there mate. It's tough. Keep doing 180s and GAL.

[Rawpain]

I hate having to drop my DD off in the morning at nursery . I have to go and sign her in and there is my W . All dolled up and super chirpy these days. As if all the world is peachy! I stay polite and act positive. Smiles and happy. But it hurts me every time and now I have to go and do another day with her on my mind.
Im trying to process why it hurts and bothers me so much... a few factors
(Things in brackets are what i think is why I feel this way)

She hardly ever wore makeup when we were together. I thought she looked beautiful natural but she does look really good now.she also always has really nice hair styles rather than the standard pony tail she always had. So it bothers me that she puts this much effort in for OM and the rest of the world but never did for me. (Why wasnt I ever worth this effort to her?)
She seems so happy now. This makes me feel like **** because it makes me feel like Ive made her life such a misery and that Im a really bad person but I cant figure out why I made her feel that way other than getting complacent in the M. Our life was just about to get better with more money from her job. We had are new family home and would have more time together as she had finished all her training. (im looking for cracks that things arent working out for her in the hope that she will come back to me. But I know that even if things dont work out with OM there is no guarantee she would come back to me)
She holds this manager position because I pushed her to go for it.she didnt have the confidence and I encouraged her and always tried to boost her moral and tell her that she would be great in this Job role.I supported her through the years of training and looking after the kids when she was doing night classes and tutoring and put my career on hold so she could get to where she is. Now she has this high paid job and Im in a dead end job but cant really do anything else as I now need job security for my mortgage and have no one to lean on with my kids. (It seems so selfish of her but she probably will never even see this fact. Yes this is some jealousy on my part).

Out of work when she texts me. I got emojis and pleasantries in it. I still keep mine short and polite and only to the point. ( I want to respond with all these fun things but dont want to be a friend. But think to myself . Should I? Part of OM stealing her away was through messages . Could I start to win her back and get her to think about me instead of thinking of him?)

I still feel lonely. Even when with other people. Socialising doesnt take this feeling away.

Going for a haircut today. Iv had a buzz cut for the past few years and ive been going through the awkward (growing it out phase) for the past month and a half. Hiding it under a hat.

I will finish on a positive. When I did drop my DD off one of W close friends and colleagues (who I havent seen for months ) noticed that id shaved my beard . She said it suits me and looks good in front of W.

Any feedback is much appreciated . Hope all your sitchs are going well.

[neffer]

You need to keep the focus on yourself and your improvement R. No more brackets for you...
Just answer kids related messages, go as DARK as possible.

Be the moafwl, go on with DB. GAL, GAL, GAL.

Be strong, keep moving!