LH...W was saying "we'll have to take care of X prior to the divorce" and seeing that word triggered me to think "that's it, she said the word, it's final, no hope, she's done" that kind of crap thinking I told myself I need to get better about.
That said I just replied back with my comments to her question "as if" it didn't trigger me and kept on with my day.
We are not even 4 months into a 12 month wait to file anyway. I have GOT TO STOP myself from being so beyond completely hopeless in my thinking/mentality every time I see the single freakin word.
I am also somewhere that requires 12 months separation before D can be filed for. My W will bring up having to do this or that in the interim. I just ignore it generally. She has to do the work if she wants this, I will not help facilitate a D. I am not rude about it, but I will not engage in any serious talk about it either.
So, I say yeah, continue to act as if you are doing fine and envision positive outcomes. There is plenty of time to turn things around and even if you do not succeed, find the patience and discipline to properly DB. You will either end up with a new and better you and a better MR, or you will end up with a new and better you that is prepared to move on successfully.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
I always love to read Acc's posts because he has a gift for cutting right to the core of things! Plus even after all the work I've done these last 6 or 7 years I really need those reminders so I don't slip back into old NG habits. I was the king of covert contracts and still have to watch that, probably will have to the rest of my life. But the beauty of what we are learning is that once we can identify our faults then we can watch for them and do 180's on them as they come up.
Originally Posted By: LH19
If you got married at 20 you were only married 10-20 years tops. Most marriage can make it to 10-20 years. Now that we live twice as long being with the same person for 20-40 years is another story.
Interesting. I mean you would think if you could make it 20 years then you are in it for the duration, but yeah around 20 years seems to be the death knell for marriages that even make it that far.
Originally Posted By: ballast
ACC so bottom line up front, I need to CHILL THE H out! I completely see that instead of taking things at face value, I've blown them WAY out of proportion AND crafted them to make them as pessimistic as possible to feed my fear, anxiety and belief there is no hope. Totally guilty as charged.
Also that is totally normal. We all do or did it. It's like some chemical gets released into our system (which is quite possible) that makes our minds spin out of control and twist everything into a negative scenario. That will slowly dissipate over time.
Quote:
I also for sure did expect a covert contract for Father's Day. As I had acknowledged her, I EXPECTED the same and then went off the deep end thinking "She must hate me like crazy, no chance, we're done, over, over, over". Again guilty as charged.
If something is a big deal to you then just tell people in advance what you expect. Two of my kids are adults now and live in another town, my bday was a couple of weeks ago and about a week before I had not heard a word from them so I texted them and asked if they were coming in and had any plans for us to do anything. They had not made plans yet so we went back and forth and worked it out. They hadn't gotten me presents so asked what I wanted and I gave them a few ideas. We got together and had a great lunch with my GF and then they asked me what cake I wanted, I told them and they picked it up on the way home and we opened presents and had cake, it was wonderful! Sure there were no surprises but guess what, I GOT EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR AND WANTED. It's amazing how when you are open with people and tell them what you want, you usually end up getting it. When my GF comes over she asks what I want to do. You know what I DON'T say? "I don't know, what do you want to do?" I tell her let's do this, then we'll do that, then we'll head home and (fill in the blank with your imagination ). She's happy because she hates making decisions, and I'm happy because I get what I want. Now maybe I say Mexican food and she says "I had that for lunch, can we do something else?" Of course we can, I'm flexible, not controlling.
Anyway, not trying to belabor the point too much but forget the covert contracts, if you are expecting something then tell the involved parties what you are expecting. Try it, you will be amazed at how well it works, and the resentment goes away!
Last edited by Cadet; 06/21/1805:46 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
LH...W was saying "we'll have to take care of X prior to the divorce" and seeing that word triggered me to think "that's it, she said the word, it's final, no hope, she's done" that kind of crap thinking I told myself I need to get better about.
Rather than try and ignore that feeling, why not explore it. Sit down and think about it. If D happens what will that look like. Maybe you'll move, or maybe not. Maybe you'll D for a few years and recon. Maybe you'll D and meet some fabulous new woman that EXCEEDS everything you think you want (like I did). I did this exercise and eventually came to peace with D. Hearing the word no longer triggered me.
I promise you this, what happens to you regardless of recon or not is going to be far better than you realize right now.
). She's happy because she hates making decisions, and I'm happy because I get what I want. Now maybe I say Mexican food and she says "I had that for lunch, can we do something else?" Of course we can, I'm flexible, not controlling. 