Need opinions on this. W mentioned moving to another city that we had planned to move to prior. I looked into a position and I have 3 that are interested, 2 sending offer letters. Not a gold mine by any stretch, but I could make it happen. Problem is that the best way to handle it would be for my family to stay and live together. This is just financial as the other city is more expensive 2 households would be just impossible (and of course I wouldn't be paying for that, she would have to pay for her own household).
How do I handle this in a conversation and it would have to happen this week so its not like I could put it off?
You: "If you are serious about wanting to move to another city, I can make that happen".
WW: "I want to get away from this place. What do you mean you can make it happen"?
You: "I have some employers interested in offering me a position. It would be an opportunity to pay off our debts and be able to financially breathe again. However, it would take team effort".
WW: "What do you mean, team effort"?
You: "The purposed salary would not be enough for me to financially support two households. Therefore, we would need to live in the same house".
WW: "Oh, I see. Well, that isn't what I had in mind".
You: "If I stay with this current job, I cannot support two households, and I will not be able to pay off our debts. The financial future looks rather bleak. Moving to a new location, with a higher income would give me a chance to pay off that burden of debt. You have always wanted to live somewhere else, so it could be good for both of us".
WW: "Except, I don't want to continue living with you".
You: "I understand. I am just telling you that I cannot finance another house while living here. I will not be able to finance two homes, if we move.....but I could pay off some major debts by the time D14 heads off to college. The only way it's going to happen is if we are in this together".
WW: "In other words, staying married".
You: "I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you that I cannot support two households with the debt we currently have....regardless of where we live. You can think about it. If you are willing to relocate as a family, then I am ready".
WW: "What if I agree to stay in the same house with you, until I get a job, or you pay off the debts"?
What would you say to that question?
Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/1802:03 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W asked if I got the email regarding the early termination of our lease agreement yesterday. I said yes and she asked what I thought about it. I said it would be expensive and difficult as we could possibly be looking at 3 rents (her new one, my new one and the one we are presently in until they find another renter) and that wouldn't be possible.
She said she wanted to schedule the first mediation appointment. I said ok and she got her ipad out and made an appointment for July 5th. She then went into a small tirade about how she thinks I am hiding money. I understand she has none (she could get a job but zero effort on that front) but she manages to make sure she has batteries and juice for her vaping. She manages to have some rather expensive enzymes to help with her stomach issues (non prescription). And she manages to have some other items that help with pain that aren't legal in all parts of the country. I imagine she is getting some money from her Father, but that will end soon as he is selfish and won't carry her long.
I am not hiding money. I put my paycheck into a different account now. When she got her own private account at another bank, I got my separate account as well. She knows exactly what I make (I have shown her) and the only assets we have left post-bankruptcy are retirement accounts and life insurance accounts which were exempt and I wouldn't touch them anyway unless absolutely necessary. She knows our bills, well I say that knowing she hasn't really paid a bill or balanced a checkbook in over 15 years. Hasn't had to worry about anything financial for over 20 years now. And with the health issues, the financial meltdown an the pharmaceutical medications, she has regressed into more of a recluse and in her own mind (and chat board friends minds) creating her own reality. She in fact got a very small tattoo on her finger while I took the kids out on Spring Break which literally means "create your own reality". I just believe she has no idea of the real world, the value of money and how hard it is out there to make a living and keep a household running.
Sandi, Thank you for the role playing on that scenario. I read and will re-read it many times in the next day or so. At present, I believe I would decline the offer as I see it just prolonging the suffering and enabling her to wait for a better time to exit. My opinion, we are either in an MR fully and together or we are not. I don't believe she has had the full reality of her situation hit yet so she would not be agreeable to relocating together and working on the MR. But, this may change, who knows. If it does, I will be very wary of this as I have heard that sometimes these wives will say and do anything to manipulate their way to get what they want.
I am very interested to see what her preparation will be and how she will handle the mediation. The way I look at that is that meeting is just business. This is not a counseling session and emotions do not come into play. This is strictly about custody, parenting and of course money. I will treat her with respect, but I will not be played into the sob story of "I sacrificed my life to take care of our kids" crap that she wants to throw out. Her choice to move it forward. I will still DB everyday and be there for my kids and continue to GAL. Rule 33. Never Give Up, EVER!
I do know that it is going to get way worse before it gets better. I believe that as reality sets in, she will rebel even more. I am doing all I can to study and prepare for this so I am not caught off guard and my responses are appropriate and do not come from a place of pure emotion.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
