I went home for lunch today. I thought it would be a convenient time to talk to W about arrangements for son. I still wasn't feeling all that ready to talk about it, but realized it was a conversation that had to be had whether I was ready or not. W was the one to start it. I said I wanted equal time with our son, and she said that's what she had in mind too, so we are going to have me watch him from Friday to Monday and she will do Monday night through Friday morning. Even as I said it I knew that wasn't really equal time, but I don't have any better plan still for childcare. Actually maybe it could be equal time depending on dropoff times. I left that open for now.
I asked her what we were going to tell our son. She said we can tell him we are separating, that she is going to live with her parents for a while, I'm staying at the house, and he'll stay with her sometimes and with me other times, and mom and dad simply aren't living together anymore. I said I disagree that it is simple.
W said she knows this whole divorce thing is new to both of us, like we're figuring things out as we go. She said she has friends who were children of divorce. I don't know what her point was there. Don't remember what she said exactly either. The message I hear is "everything will be fine our son will adjust". And I still think that's BS, no matter how great my life turns out after my W leaves me. I've still got anger about that. It's like being asked "don't you think your son will be better off without his parents constantly fighting?" Um, yeah, that's why I think his parents should attend counseling and repair the damage to their relationship, not cause more damage by divorcing (or having an affair!). That's the kind of stubborn belief I think I'll take to my grave. I'm afraid of letting go of that and walking away entirely myself. I'm afraid I'll start to think and act like my W is now. I do need to find my own self too, but seeing where that process has led my W frightens me. I wonder if that's really a big part of my own personal issues, fear of what I may become if I start to make choices for myself instead of doing what I think I'm supposed to do. Or not wanting to be responsible for mistakes. Hm. That's some good self-exploration I ought to embark on. Having a big empty house to myself might be just the place to do that.
W also began by telling me her mom wanted her to tell me that it would be good for me to have some family or friends to be with that day to support me. I almost LOL'd, and my face showed my surprise and disbelief. I was thinking: REALLY!? Now you're concerned about my feelings!? I just said, "I can make my own choices about that." Probably too standoffish. But that's what our relationship is right now, a standoff. Both our body languages showed it too, crossed arms etc. I almost told her to thank her mom for her concern, but I didn't say anything more about it.
Later I was thinking that my son will never again experience a group hug with his parents. That was one of the best things we did as a family. never. again.
Should son be around while W is moving out? Her family is coming to help her move. I asked W what she thought. She said she thought it would be more traumatic for son to come home and see mom and all her stuff has disappeared. I'm hesitant to even make plans for myself for that day because I think I should be there for my son. I don't know what he will think of it. I can only imagine it being traumatic no matter what. I'm sure I'm projecting.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
