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Gut reaction:
Do nothing. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

BUT, you are legally married. I'd find out from a lawyer if you have any legal responsibility on the debt.

If not, I'd let her figure out her own mess.

If she wants a partner, she needs to act like one.

If she is acting like a wayward teen looking for help from Daddy, I'd give that a pass, but that's just me.

Remember, my best efforts got me divorced.


xoxoxoxo

#TeamGordie


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Gordie, since you are a Christian -- I would wait. It just happened that you found out. You don't have to figure that out right now. See what she does. See what God does. A hint is not a request for help.

I try to navigate the world of self-protection and the obligations of marriage. Realizing what would happen in a divorce actually helped me understand that I will have burdens either way. I am bearing the cross of a lot of my H's debt because we are married and the debt is under my name. It is starting to hurt too much on both practical and emotional levels but I am still waiting until it is very clear to me what to do because divorce is the only way out of that. I did cut off any path I could for him to get money or credit cards that are in my name. But all that happened before that, I am slowly trying to chip away at. If you go by faith, it won't be fair or just by the world's standards. You can choose to do what's just and that will be just fine. You can also choose to do the thing that only makes sense in a faith context. Read Hosea. Wait. You'll know what to do when the time comes that you have to decide. I don't think it's a good idea to buy anyone anything to get them to come back, that isn't love either. But I do think it's a good idea to stand until your marriage is fully restored and then to cover each other's sins, when and if your wife is ever ready to actually do that.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gordie you sound OK. Glad to see that. You are in limbo a place I know too well and one I hoped you would avoid. But you have decided that it is the best path for you. Maybe it is. I just wanted to drop upi a few lines yo let you know I am still on team gordie.

I haven't read everything but I hope you have some AWESOMEpplans for new fun stuff ahead. Something to get excited about and look forward to. Being in limbo doesn't mean you being stuck.

I'll be back when I can. Until then best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Gordie, as you say W is meandering back towards the family and you did separate finances to protect yourself. So do not assume any of her debt. ,et her keep that in her name alone.

If she asked for it, I would like to think that offering some financial advice on lowering spending and paying off her debt would be great, but I believe it would be as well received as it is with my own kids. Besides advice and MLCer spouses does not seem to mix.

So if you want, and it seems warranted, you could offer some help with payments. I do not know her amount of income compared to yours or the amount of debt. However you could match her payments, or match just whatever extra payment she makes above the minimum - that may entice her to work towards finding ways to help herself out of debt. Something along those lines may work well and its success would hinge on how much effort W puts into it.

Doing good Gordie.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Gordie, I keep checking to see if you have posted on your thread. Thinking of you.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Thanks for checking in

Tollowed advice and have said nothing about her debt

Life is good with end of school activities and work

So big development is w came to talk to me about her childhood trauma

I listened and listened some more

She acknowledges that her issues damaged our M

She kissed me on the lips

Still sleeping separately and no sex

We argued once because she wants me to tell her where i am going at all times

I stopped doing this last year and have continued not to do so

She also feels as if i am keeping my distance and she asked me why

I said you hurt me very badly

And she said nothing and gave me a hug


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie, I am so happy to hear your gentle voice on the threads again! I even like the way you write your posts out like lines of a poem.

I think that the exchange with your W was perfect -- how you were clear but didn't go into long explanations. I think her silence and hug was a very good sign that she understood. My H never asks where I am or cares at all, so to me it is wonderful that she wants to know where you are. But I see that your boundary is keeping you sane. I obviously need some of that sanity myself if you see how stupidly I still respond to my H a lot of the time. I will try to channel Gordie more.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Wow. That sounds like quite the development. She seems to be making the smallest microsteps in the right direction. Sometimes I feel like watching MLC progress is like watching grass grow. No, I guess grass actually grows faster, doesnt it.

I have mixed emotions about not telling W where Im going. I dont, but I also raised issue about her not telling me earlier on and then she started telling me. Not full transparency, but I think she tries to let me know whats going on. Now I kind of feel like if I expected it from her and she attempts to try then I should lead by example. Its mixed emotions because I also know that I want to tell her out of love but she is doing it out of obligation.

I also think its good that she recognizes that you keep her at a distance. Been keeping my W at a distance lately but I dont feel like she even notices. She probably does but forms her own opinion about why.

You handle yourself well, brother. You are an inspiration. Team Gordie all the way!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
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Very well done Gordie. That is indeed quite a development. She acknowledges her childhood trauma and is telling you about it. I would put that in the positive colum.

Her talking about how her issues damaged your M, a couple of things leap to mind. Using the word damaged not destroyed, might give an indication of the severity she perceives. Also it appears she is showing some responsibility toward what has transpired.

I have similar thoughts as sjohns6 towards keeping your distance and not telling her where you are going. At some point things will have to change. However for now probably a wait and see approach is best. Get some more consistent actions. (Wow, a kiss on the lips! smile )

You are doing great. Stay the path and keep those pesky expectations low.

How are things between W and D19 working out?


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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