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Originally Posted By: NicoleR

Jim, thanks for your suggestion. I'd love to do try to the overnight visits but they aren't practical at this time. When my husband comes from out-of-state he stays with his family. There are four of them crammed into a small apartment all sleeping together and the apartment isn't even remotely clean, not to mention they all stay awake until 1:00 or 2:00 AM every night and sleep late the next day. My husband has never cared for our daughter, much less any child, at night and hasn't expressed any interest in doing so. He has no tolerance when our daughter cries and leaves the house or closes the door so I can calm her down. My daughter's also never slept away from me before and I anticipate it would be a disaster to send her to my husband's family's place even if he was willing. It's an hour away so I imagine him driving her back here screaming at 3:00 AM and then not coming again for months due to the trauma. At this time I don't see it as an option but it'd be great if I could do that. I've never even seen a movie or gone out with friends in the evening in the four years since our daughter was born. She's always been with me and even sleeps in the same bed as me. I write all that just because there are some solutions that make so much sense, like this one, but I don't know how to work around these barriers to ensure it'd be a success. Maybe when my husband moves up to this city in a year (if ever) and has his own place he can try to host her. By that time she'll be five and hopefully more independent.



Nicole, I'm sorry about the 2X4, but the entire paragraph you've written is one giant excuse. He bears half the responsibility for your daughter. You DON'T bear it ALL. Your daughter won't be broken or traumatized because she isn't sleeping in the same bed as you one night and gets to stay up late with her aunt and uncle and daddy on occasion, and if he has to deal with her screaming at 3am for an hour, so what? He won't come back? Small loss. She screams for an hour at 3am? So what. She'll get over it. It will be harder for you to let her go than it will be for her to go with daddy to visit family. You need to SELL it rather than let YOUR insecurities about the situation show.

And note the highlighted text above. This is precisely the reason you have to get a babysitter, or have H watch your daughter. Others have responded, and I'm not going to quote them, but they are exactly right. There are other options for babysitters. And I'm sorry, $20 per hour is crazy. You can find cheaper alternatives that are just as good. Didn't you say you moved to this city because you have friends/family around? Use them. You don't need to go on a date. Just go for a drink with a girlfriend or family member, or go to a movie you want to see by yourself. YOU HAVE GOT TO HAVE SOME TIME TO YOURSELF. Your daughter will be better off if you do because you will be be healthier and happier.

And unless you plan to go off to college with your daughter, you need to allow her a measure of independence. You are not doing her any favors by being with her ALL the time. Don't mistake YOU FEELING YOU NEED TO ALWAYS BE THERE WITH HER with HER NEEDING YOU THERE ALL THE TIME. They are not the same, and moreover, she NEEDS TO BE AWAY FROM YOU SOMETIMES, and YOU NEED TO BE AWAY FROM HER SOMETIMES.

I hope I haven't overstepped, but something else that strikes me is the effect all this may have had on your marriage. Maybe part of the reason H left is you allow D to take up all of your attention and energy, and you had no time, energy or attention left for your H or marriage. The first counsellor we went to told my W that she needed to save some time and energy for her husband and marriage. She said "no, my kids need all that, and he'll just have to suck it up and deal with it." Well, fast forward 10 years, and our marriage has deteriorated to the point of divorce. How much good did showering all that attention on the kids do over the long term? They are both very distressed over the divorce, suffering pretty severe consequences. In hindsight, they would have been FAR better of with less attention then, and an intact family now.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/19/18 08:55 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

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I agree with much of what Jim said but not this:
Quote:
And I'm sorry, $20 per hour is crazy.

Ummm....Jim....not in New York City it's not. Especially if you want to get someone reliable and not a 15 year old who's going to bring her boyfriend over.

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Jim and KML, thanks for your thoughts. This is such a sensitive topic for me. I should point out again that I'm talking about not having gone out at night but I've gone out during the day and early evening. I've done the sharing thing during the day but at night it's hard for someone else to singlehandedly put your toddler and their toddler to sleep. I also moved here where I have friends but they either work full-time or they have their own kids. They can help during the day but again, night time is harder. Yes in NYC, where I lived, $20 is the norm and some babysitters even want $25 per hour. Then even when we moved, which was to another expensive area, my own neighbor wanted $20 per hour and the sitters I found on care.com wanted the same. I found a high school student from my church who'd watch my daughter for $10 per hour so I used her every week but I never went far away because she had no experience with kids whatsoever. I know there are plenty of babysitters out there, but to keep trying new ones until you find the best one takes a long time....anyway I found the whole childcare issue to be complicated. I'm morally against paying some $20 per hour to text their friends while your kid sits in front of the TV or sleeps. They'd have to be spectacular in my view to get $20 per hour. I'd rather not go out than to pay someone that amount plus tip.

Jim yes those are a lot of excuses but I'm fed up with the role my husband has played with our daughter. I feel like I've tried many times over the past four years to get my husband involved and it hasn't worked. His excuses aren't even good ones - "Men from my country don't take care of children." "I never wanted her or asked to have her." "I have to write my notes / go back to work / go to check the house, go to the gym, etc.." How do you force someone to take a child they don't want, and how fair is that to a child to be with someone who doesn't want them?

If my husband takes her and she doesn't sleep that will mess up her schedule for a whole week after that and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of getting her back-on-schedule. I can't in good faith let my daughter eat at their house. My father-in-law puts raw chicken and lamb directly on the kitchen counter to trim the fat and puts the meat on the bottom of the sink to rinse it. There's blood from meat and fat trimmings visible and then they put fruit and vegetables on the same surface to cut them as well. They have no concept of hygiene. They came from a country where there's no such thing as anti-bacterial wipes. Their toilets are a hole in the ground. So the way they live is simply disgusting to the average Westerner although normal for them. I just don't feel comfortable sending my daughter there.

I know I'm just making more excuses which is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve but I don't feel strongly enough at this time to demand the overnight visits under these circumstances. I guess I'd have to really want it and I just don't.

It's possible that my attention towards my daughter was one of several factors that pushed my husband away, although since he was unwilling to help with her I don't see what alternative I had. She'd scream at night and my husband wasn't willing to help, so under extreme sleep deprivation she started sleeping with me. During the day I couldn't really ignore her and my husband wouldn't care for her, so I had to do it. I did get an Au Pair for a while but I found out soon after she arrived that she lied on her application about her experience with kids just to come to the US. That's a whole other story.

I don't know. I have endless excuses but at the end-of-the-day I'm responsible for my daughter's safety and welfare. I'm working on getting a sitter to go to the local divorce care group and I'm hoping that'll work out, but for now I've accepted my role as a mother and I'm truly happy and honored to raise my daughter. She goes to school and waves goodbye with a smile and her teachers say she does great, so I know she's gaining independence and I want her to gain more. This week she's in a summer camp for six hours per day and the most she's done in the past at preschool is four, so she's progressing.

This is a totally different life than the one I imagined when my husband and I decided to have a child. It's not at all what I wanted. Each innocent child deserves the best and I'm trying my best, but I guess with the range of parenting strategies out there someone will always see things differently.

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They're not all excuses. I understand not wanting to leave her with your husband overnight - I wouldn't trust him either.

But think seriously about either finding a regular babysitter or trading babysitting with someone like my friend did - that was a win win.


Last edited by Cadet; 06/19/18 06:51 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
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Nicole, I understand you not wanting her to do overnights with your H right now, but I was blown away about that highlighted red area. You need to get out, see a movie, go to dinner with friends, wit just adults. I would have went nuts if I didn't. I didn't have much help, but I took whatever I could. I hired a babysitter once in a blue moon. I am right outside NYC and yes, the prices sure have gone up, but I paid about $12 an hour, and just to get 3 hours will be well worth your money.

Like Jim said, how did this affect your M? Did you not have date nights? Go out as a couple? Was she in your bed every night?

Of course you are honored to raise your daughter and be a mother. But mothers need self care and activities outside their children with adult interaction.

What life did you envision with your H? Did you see getting babysitting, having date nights, going out with other couples, socializing like adults?

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