That being said, if she brings it up again, I'll say "I shut that down. Nothing to worry about."
no bueno, in my opinion... don't say it... to be honest, i don't think she's worried about it...
Also agree that she's cake eating. But she's not the type to say "ok, I'm ready for therapy. Let's do it." So I'm not sure how to bring that up. To me, showing that kind of initiative would be indicative of working on it.
she is not the type to say she's ready for therapy because she is NOT ready for therapy... have you followed hoosjim's situation? his wife wasn't wanting therapy--UNTIL he let her know he was DONE... suddenly, she got herself into therapy--marriage counseling and individual counseling... i was the same way...
i would not bring it up if i were you because she is not yet committed to working on the relationship... you are not in the piecing stage... you have to fully detach... work on that part of DBing... she is not committed, and is not acting like she is committed... until she is, you should not be "committed" as well...
i don't mean you should not be committed to saving your marriage... i mean that you ought take care of yourself--focus on yourself--until that time comes where she is ready to commit to you... really commit to you--not just maintaining the status quo... focus on this aspect of DBing... don't be her beckon-call guy... if she begins to notice, and if she brings it up--come back here and solicit advice from your supporters...
Things have been rough lately. My mother, 79, had a significant stroke and I've been dealing with that situation on top of what's going on with my relationship. Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive during this time.
She and my Mom did not get along well, and my wife really tried for several years before giving up. In all fairness, my relationship with my Mom was very strained the past couple years, too. She became very difficult to deal with emotionally. But that's a very different story.
That said, things are continuing with the wife. With what's going on with my Mom, it's very hard to be strong and confident around her, but I'm doing my best. We're still sleeping separately and I'd love for that to change, but don't see that happening anytime soon.
There are still some triggers that are happening. Things that may very well be innocent, but still cause me to freak out internally a bit.
Example 1: Last night walking in to her on the bed looking like she was taking a pic of herself. She said she was just checking out her hair (I have seen her use the selfie cam a few times to check out her makeup). It may have been legit. May not.
Example 2: She was talking yesterday again about how much she'd love for us to move to Washington DC (even though it couldn't happen for work reasons until 2021). We'd be much closer to a ton of our old friends (we don't have many where we are now) and closer to her family. And that's totally reasonable. But for me, I freak out internally because the other guy would be about 60-90 mins away.
Once this situation ends with my Mom (to be blunt, we don't expect her to last very long), I want to re-focus my energy on me. Doing more exercise, playing tennis, bike riding. But I also want to be loving towards her. Not begging for anything. Not wanting to talk about the relationship. Just acting "as-if" things were the way I'd like them to be.
Things have been rough lately. My mother, 79, had a significant stroke and I've been dealing with that situation on top of what's going on with my relationship. Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive during this time.
She and my Mom did not get along well, and my wife really tried for several years before giving up. In all fairness, my relationship with my Mom was very strained the past couple years, too. She became very difficult to deal with emotionally. But that's a very different story.
That said, things are continuing with the wife. With what's going on with my Mom, it's very hard to be strong and confident around her, but I'm doing my best. We're still sleeping separately and I'd love for that to change, but don't see that happening anytime soon.
There are still some triggers that are happening. Things that may very well be innocent, but still cause me to freak out internally a bit.
Example 1: Last night walking in to her on the bed looking like she was taking a pic of herself. She said she was just checking out her hair (I have seen her use the selfie cam a few times to check out her makeup). It may have been legit. May not.
Example 2: She was talking yesterday again about how much she'd love for us to move to Washington DC (even though it couldn't happen for work reasons until 2021). We'd be much closer to a ton of our old friends (we don't have many where we are now) and closer to her family. And that's totally reasonable. But for me, I freak out internally because the other guy would be about 60-90 mins away.
Once this situation ends with my Mom (to be blunt, we don't expect her to last very long), I want to re-focus my energy on me. Doing more exercise, playing tennis, bike riding. But I also want to be loving towards her. Not begging for anything. Not wanting to talk about the relationship. Just acting "as-if" things were the way I'd like them to be.
Selfie taking is always a marker of interest in finding someone if not for someone specific. My wife got suddenly very interested in taking selfies and "touching them up" with various apps right about the time her waywardness started. She still takes selfies and touches them up and uses them as profile pics on FB, her singing app, etc. This from a woman that prior to Oct 17 didn't have a vain bone in her body! (She has a natural beauty that she has always relied on so has never been one for hair and makeup.)
Anyway, my guess is that she is using it on apps (dating?) at a minimum to attract attention. I don't remember all of your sitch but was there an EA?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey State, really sorry to hear about your mother, seems like many of us get double or triple whammied along with BD!
Originally Posted By: State18
That said, things are continuing with the wife. With what's going on with my Mom, it's very hard to be strong and confident around her, but I'm doing my best. We're still sleeping separately and I'd love for that to change, but don't see that happening anytime soon.
Well, you are firmly stuck in the roommate zone now. I suspect the sex will never happen as long as this situation continues. Your wife is not all-in on recon. She's not committed. She more than likely is still in contact with OM, and probably planning to convert it to a PA as soon as possible. She's just biding her time until then. You've got to decide if you're willing to be stuck in this situation indefinitely or not. If it were me, I would tell her to either pack her crap and get out or go all-in on the recon. All-in would include sex, and it would include immediately handing over her burner phone so that I can review whatever conversations she's having on it, after which the phone would be destroyed. I just really think you are trying so hard to placate her that you are just coming off to her as someone she can walk all over. She has ZERO respect for you as her husband or even as a man. Have you read TXHubby's thread? If not then look it over:
He tried placating his W as well. Kept hoping she would "see the light" and quit OM and come running back to him. Finally one day he woke up, disgusted with himself over how he let himself be controlled and manipulated into this shadow of who he once was. He was ANGRY, and sometimes that's what it takes. He gave up on her and went about the business of being a man again. He got out, GAL'd, bought new clothes, worked out, focused on himself. Next thing he knew his W was begging him to take her back. Why? Because he became an alpha male again, the guy she had been attracted to in the first place.
Quote:
She was talking yesterday again about how much she'd love for us to move to Washington DC (even though it couldn't happen for work reasons until 2021). We'd be much closer to a ton of our old friends (we don't have many where we are now) and closer to her family. And that's totally reasonable. But for me, I freak out internally because the other guy would be about 60-90 mins away.
I would flat-out tell her that no move is happening to anywhere until you either reconcile or divorce. I would also tell her no new cars, no new furniture, no new appliances, etc. etc. My opinion is that you have got to start being MUCH more firm with her. If she's got to figure her crap out then fine, give her a little more time. But you've got to start asserting your alpha and clearly let her know this is not a situation that is acceptable to you in the long run.
