No more denial, time to get to work

[ovrrnbw]

Don't be a stranger!

[MRay]

Hang in there. When the vets here say "this is a marathon NOT a sprint, they mean it is a marathon!" S and D are not the end. Cycling can happen for a long time.

Thanks for the reminder Steve. It's definitely a long, difficult process. At least this time it's not as intense as the first.

I haven't read all of your thread so I don't really know the history. I will check it out though. Where your head was at for the past seven months sounds like where my H is at now with his constant need to tell me he likes me as a friend. I think he hadn't been so deceitful (fake medical treatments (mostly) for four years with a bit of a break in the third year), he and I would have been like you and your W.

Hi DejaVu, thanks for the response. I'm definitely not telling my ex that I like her as a friend because that's not true. I don't tell her any of my feelings. Even while I was doing great I knew deep down my feelings were more than that, but I'm only feeding the she's the mother of my children and I need to respect her feelings. She was the one always telling me she liked me as a brother until about August or so.

Re: your STBXW. We have a saying in my field which is "all behaviour has meaning" and that you should always pay more attention to what people do than what they say. Sounds to me like your STBXW may be having some of the same feelings you are having and is doing some temperature checking. I don't think you necessarily have to do anything right now other than continue with self improvement. You can put up boundaries if you are sure that is what you want or you can take some time to see if she starts to temp check more and then decide. You could also even just say to her at some point... "Hey, I notice that you are around more than usual. Is everything okay with you?" Kind of a casual, caring, non-committal question that opens the door for her to tell you if she is having second thoughts. She might go there or she may be too scared of being rejected. Who knows? The question is... do you want to know?

I do think it's a bit of temp-checking, but I don't think its conscious. She has a huge tendency to project her own feelings onto others that she's close with, mostly her mom and me. This was a major problem in the relationship. For years any time she'd drop her guard and start to feel closer to me she'd immediately project some sort of negative emotion onto me. She's admitted to this after therapy sessions, so I know it's not just my thoughts on the matter. I've also seen it as an observer in her relationship with her mom. I've come to realize just how similarly she treats us in her head. I think it's in the process of happening again. She has been acting much more distant the past two weeks, and I just had a strange feeling about it. D6's birthday is Friday, and she'll be with her mom. I texted to ask if they had any plans as I was trying to figure out what I was going to do, and she said no but she would probably just take her out to dinner. I said okay, then I'll do something fun with her Saturday. She responded with, "then why did you ask what we're doing Friday?" It just all seemed like she was looking for a fight, so I asked if she was doing okay and that she just seemed off the last couple weeks. She said she felt the same about me, then proceeded to give all the reasons she's been distant. Things like it's a difficult time of year because of how much we were fighting last year, the start of the semester is always hard, I seemed really busy, stuff like that. It's like it's my fault she's been weird, but then lists all the reasons she's being weird that don't involve me. I'm sure she picked up something from me, It's hard to hide everything, but I really didn't change how I interacted with her beyond responding to her increased text frequency.

As to do I want to know? There's nothing to know. I don't think she's anywhere close to being prepared to look at me that way, and she would never admit it to me or even herself if she was in my opinion. She still has a lot of stuff to work through. She needs to be single for awhile, and she's not single right now so it will be a good long while. Would I like to ultiimately have a chance at R? Of course, but that's not in the cards right now nor in the near future.

[MRay]

I dropped the kids off with STBXW last night, and she asked me to watch the kids next Friday even though it's one of her days. We are very amicable and flexible with our child care situation, so it's not out of the ordinary, but she just looked so ashamed when doing it this time. This is her go to look whenever OM is somehow involved. I'm always excited to have my kids, so I agreed. She kept apologizing and trying to find someway to make it up to me, but I just waved her off and said I'm happy to have the kids and she should have a good time.

Later I started thinking and thought she could just as easily go Saturday. Why can't she go Saturday? It's OM's birthday. They still haven't told anybody they're a couple, so I'm sure he's doing other stuff, so they can't hang out. I keep going back and forth between being amused and angry about this.

I had lunch a few days ago with an old friend that still works with them. To be clear, I don't go around asking about them or looking to talk about them. It's the last thing I want to talk about, but it came up in the conversation and she confirmed they are still trying to hide they're a couple, but she's figured it out. I just think it's pretty amazing how ashamed people can be about something, but it doesn't seem to matter in the end.

As far as me, I'm still just trying to be me. I'll admit I've fallen back into a rut. I'm actively working against slipping into a depressed state. Little things can still really bother me. For example, STBXW is not big into jewelry, but I had bought her a very nice pair of diamond earings just before we separated. She never wore them, but for Christmas she got a pair of earings that she's worn a few times around me. I'm pretty sure they're from OM, and it just pisses me off. I try not to let her see it, but I'm not sure if I'm successful. I've got to continue detaching and being the healthiest I can be. My GAL is still going, and I'm in fantastic shape and only getting better. It's just going to take time.

[MRay]

I've had very little contact with STBXW. Nothing beyond dropping off the kids. One thing I've noticed the last few times I've seen her is how terrible she looks. I'm not sure if it's her being stressed/sick/whatever or if I'm just seeing her differently now. She appears to have aged 10 years in the last few months. She's always looked young for her age, and that wasn't just my opinion, but now she looks every bit and more the 35 she'll be turning in a few days. Don't get me wrong, 35 isn't old, it's just that at 30 she was constantly confused for one of the high school students. No way that's happening now.

[MRay]

I thought I'd journal a bit since it's been awhile. My new house is supposed to be finished next month, and I have a move in date! This is all very exciting, but is causing some stress. That along with preparing my taxes and dealing with some credit card fraud has made this a long couple weeks. My GAL is continuing. I've gathered a rather varied group of friends recently that I do many things with. I'm still working out like a madman, and I've read more recently than I have in years. I took my kids to a really fun event last weekend and they keep telling me I'm the best daddy ever, which just melts my heart.

While out and about I've run into a few of my old coworkers and students and had some fun conversations with them. They just can't stay away from the topic of STBXW though since they always knew us as a close couple. Apparently everybody at their work, including their students, know about them as a couple but they refuse to acknowledge it. A couple of old students I ran into went to school with OM and had all bad things to say about him and compliments for me. A similar thing happened with an old coworker that also taught STBXW and OM. She said something to the affect of there's no way it will last, she'll eat him alive, and I should feel sorry for the guy. I just try to take it graciously and change the subject.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship because I'm not over STBXW, but I am dating. I'm open and honest with my situation and intentions as I don't want to hurt anybody with expectations of something I can't give them. Being a college professor makes this difficult because as soon as the semester is over I get students running into me and hitting on me. It's very flattering, especially the girl in her early 20's saying my arms distracted her in class, but that's a line I'm extremely hesitant to cross. Tempting, but not a reputation I need to foster.

Speaking of not being over STBXW, I've recently cycled back to missing her. I actually broke down at the dinner table last night for a brief moment. I think it's all the stress I've been under this week. I can't help but notice little things and link them to her missing me. I know this is bad, and I try not to, but it happens. Things like seeing that she watched a movie on demand (we still have a shared account to save money) that we went to for our third date. It was such a bad movie, and I know she hadn't watched it since 2002. Things like that and her never seeming to want me to leave when I pick up the kids. We had our first one on one interaction without the kids around in months a few days ago. I had to go over there to pick up my new credit card (dealing with the fraud case, and I don't want to update my mailing address until I move into my house). She knew I was coming. I expected to knock on the door, her to hand me the envelope, and I'd go. Instead she waved me into the house and took her sweet time getting my mail, and we fell into a natural, fun conversation. My fault I know.

The thing I am struggling with and would like any advice or viewpoints people have to offer is being myself. Months ago I've found myself and am me around everybody except STBXW. She's starting to find herself as well, though she's definitely working through some issues still, and when we are both acting natural it's just so clear that the chemistry and compatibility is still there. That's not good for me. It tends to begin a cycle back to missing her, so I guard myself around her. But I struggle at the same time thinking I should just be myself around everybody and not worry about what that leads to. I'm able to move past it fairly quickly at this point, so I feel I should just be my happy, open, awesome self all the time and deal with what that leads to when it comes up. I'm just not sure if I should try to keep my guard up, just be myself and damn the consequences, or put up new boundaries to limit our interactions to help me move on faster.

[MRay]

So apparently our mediation attorney is incompetent or something. It took her 5 months from filing to finish writing up our judgement, which in her own words was the easiest judgement ever because we agreed on everything. The only reason we employed her services was to ensure we did the paperwork correctly. Pretty frustrating. Beyond that it might cost me my house because I expected to be done months ago, and now I don't have a judgement showing I owe no child/spousal support. So now the underwriter doesn't want to approve my loan. I might not only lose the house, but the deposit I've given the builder as well, which is quite significant.

The above was just to vent some frustration. Now I need someone here to hit me with a 2x4 and talk me out of something. So these latest issues with our divorce attorney have caused STBXW and I to talk a lot with each other, and vent about the issues. It's just clear the chemistry is still there, and from some of her comments it just makes me want to talk about trying again. I'm not wanting to stop the divorce process or anything like that, I just want to hang out with her and see what comes of it. Is it too soon? I know if she wants to try she'll let me know, but I'm really not sure of that with her personality. She's always been very stubborn, especially when it comes to feelings. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm leaning towards just letting it go, but there's a part of me that wants to reach out. Talk me out of it folks!

[Twofeet]

I know if she wants to try she'll let me know.....

There is your answer.

but I'm really not sure of that with her personality. She's always been very stubborn, especially when it comes to feelings.

Do you seriously want to be with someone who is so stubborn she would rather D than work it out because of what? Feelings? That doesn't sound like it would be a very functioning R going forward.

I'm leaning towards just letting it go, but there's a part of me that wants to reach out. Talk me out of it folks!

You have answered your own questions in the first two quotes. Let it go, don't pursue, if she really wants to work it out you know she will climb a mountain to do so.

[MRay]

Thanks Twofeet, I had decided I definitely would not be reaching out to her. I've actually decided I need to pull back further during drop off/pick up time as well. We get along like friends, and that's obviously not what I want. It's obvious to me that if she's ever single she'll reach out, but she is with OM at the moment and I don't want to be her friend on the side. Balancing that with being the best coparents we can be is going to be the challenge and focus moving forward.

I was actually in a very good place recently. It felt different than before. It wasn't that I didn't have feelings for STBXW, it was that I felt them but was at peace with where I was. Then yesterday I picked up the kids from school and while driving them home I ended up at the same intersection as her and OM in his car. It was like a kick in the nuts. I had a pretty emotional response for a couple minutes, but I calmed down pretty quickly and was able to move on with my day. I'm upset that seeing them like that had that kind of power over me, but honestly it was the first time I've seen them together like that. And I moved on pretty quickly, so I think that's a good sign.

On a side note I know I'm looking damn good. I took my kids to the park after that, and was talking to a couple moms there. Apparently they called their friend and tried to get her to come meet me, and then practically forced us to start a texting conversation. I was reluctant, but then they showed me her instagram. There's no way this woman needs help finding men to talk to! Apparently I make a good impression.