Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Wendy, I appreciate your post. Your post seems like something my wife could write. But a couple of observations.

You talk about what you need from your husband but you don't articulate it. Is that what you did in your marriage too? I am struggling with this with my wife. "I've tried and tried over the last 19 years, and nothing has changed." Never in 19 years did she sit me down and articulate what she needs from me. I got passive-aggressive and vague hints as to what her needs from me are. I think WW often think they have been clear as to what needed to change, but very few have actually articulated it in a clear manner.

Second, where there is a will there is a way. I know my wife is struggling with her "job search" as well. Of course for her spending 5-7 hours a day on a karaoke singing app has taken preference (cake eating). Her excuse is that she wants to find a work from home position. Good luck with that. If you think having a huge hole in your resume (and hers is 14 years) try having that AND trying to find a company that says "oh and you can stay home and we'll pay you!" Probably not happening. I have a great reputation at work and they allow me to WFH every Friday. Even with my reputation I can't imagine going to my boss and saying, I'd like to work from home everyday.

So while I appreciate your perspective I have to call hogwash on why you are still there, why you haven't filed, etc. Everyone can come up with excuses. You need to either follow through, or commit for the long-haul. How long have you been in this state of limbo?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
W
New Member
Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Hi Steve.
I just thought I would try to explain at least some of it. I think people, both men and women, tend to not put their best foot forward when they don't fear losing something. Marriages get too comfortable. You know? We are all guilty of that. If your boss mentioned as he passed by your desk, Hey don't be late next time please ok? and it happened 20 times in a month, would you be surprised if he fired you? You would not expect him to sit you down and explain you "officially" that he does not like you being late. Same in the our interpersonal relationships. Your friends don't sit you down and tell you exactly how they want to be treated by you, you just learn by observation and by listening to them - by being a good friend. If your friend is flaky and ignores your "hints" that you don't appreciate it, sooner or later you will drop that friend. Marriages are no different. When both men and women do not prioritize their partners wishes - marriages break down. Please, don't think that I think only men are guilty of that. I had to reevaluate my own past behavior as well. I am a better person for it.
14 year resume gap is petrifying. She is probably very anxious to even start looking because of it. Why don't you offer her help? Hire an interview coach, network for her. Have her back when she needs you without her asking for it? Take the lead. Trust me, if my husband would even try doing it for me, the sparks would be flying.

And I have not filed because, if I do it before I find a sustainable job - my husband would have to pay alimony and kids support. It would take 40% of his pay and he would struggle financially, because he is reckless financially, has debt and just swings his credit card anytime he wants something. So, like I said, I do want to move on but I don't want to put sticks in his wheels while doing it. I want to live independent of him. I don't want his money. I don't really want to go into details about my marriage and take your thread over. Let's just say - he does not deserve to eat his cake either.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
W
New Member
Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Sandi2. Thank you.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
W
New Member
Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
AnotherStander. Thank you for your input. My situation is a little different here. I did leave. I left for two years. This is me coming back lol. Will see if he can win be back.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: WindyC
My situation is a little different here.


BUT I still subscribe to this advice

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I encourage you to start your own thread, and tell us your story.
I believe your perspective would be very helpful to others, plus, you could receive support from the DB community.


Here

How to start a thread

I will use what Job wrote


First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting.



Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted By: WindyC
nd I have not filed because, if I do it before I find a sustainable job - my husband would have to pay alimony and kids support. It would take 40% of his pay and he would struggle financially, because he is reckless financially, has debt and just swings his credit card anytime he wants something. So, like I said, I do want to move on but I don't want to put sticks in his wheels while doing it. I want to live independent of him. I don't want his money. I don't really want to go into details about my marriage and take your thread over. Let's just say - he does not deserve to eat his cake either.


This is exactly my wife's excuse. Actually this is her way of ending the marriage with as little guilt as possible.

But yes you should start your own thread.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: WindyC
And it seems to be the running theme here, men don't really listen and take their wives seriously.


Windy -
Thank you for your well thought out post. There is a lot of very interesting thoughts.

The only point I want to address specifically is this one. At least for me, it was never that I didnt listen. But the changes were never organic - I could never understand the basis, and so I only would do them as long as my XW was pushing for them.

It was more that I didnt know HOW to listen than that I DIDNT listen. It was less a conscious decision I was making a more a lack of the necessary tools to be able to actually do the things being asked of me.

Im not using that as an excuse - in the end, it is just as much of a failure. My point is more that I needed something I didnt know that I was missing!

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted By: Amoafwl
Originally Posted By: WindyC
And it seems to be the running theme here, men don't really listen and take their wives seriously.


Windy -
Thank you for your well thought out post. There is a lot of very interesting thoughts.

The only point I want to address specifically is this one. At least for me, it was never that I didnt listen. But the changes were never organic - I could never understand the basis, and so I only would do them as long as my XW was pushing for them.

It was more that I didnt know HOW to listen than that I DIDNT listen. It was less a conscious decision I was making a more a lack of the necessary tools to be able to actually do the things being asked of me.

Im not using that as an excuse - in the end, it is just as much of a failure. My point is more that I needed something I didnt know that I was missing!


This nails it on the head. I read once in a book that husbands want to see their wives needs fulfilled. They want to give them what they desire. They just don't know how and you have to teach them.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: Steve85
I read once in a book that husbands want to see their wives needs fulfilled. They want to give them what they desire. They just don't know how and you have to teach them.

Yes, I wanted my XW's needs fulfilled.

But, I do not think it was her job to teach me step-by-step how to fill them. Frankly, I wasnt in a position where I felt I needed help in listening/responding/supporting/etc. No matter what she said, I wasnt going to be able to do/be what she needed. It took until the action of her wanting to leave that I actually took a look to consider my part in the degradation of our marriage. It was on me to understand that I needed help and education and to figure out where to get that - not on my XW.

My point to the original post was that it was never a case of me choosing to not listen (like the nodding boss), it was more that I didnt have the skills or drive to actually implement the changes.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 20
E
Element Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
E
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 20
WindyC - thanks for your post. While I知 sure the specifics are different, there are many similarities in what my W would describe led her to feel the hopelessness to ultimately request a separation.

You know, it really hit home when you gave a comparison of a boss complaining of lateness over and over versus a W letting her H know of issues she has again and again. . For me, just like many men, I would respond with the right change at work, but the wrong response at home with my W.

Same goes for contentious issues. At work I listen and try to understand the other side and come to a win-win solution as much as possible. At home it can get heated and defensive, ending in a lose-lose scenario.

That blows my mind. Work is obviously important, but not more important than the wellbeing of my marriage. Yet my marriage is in shambles while my career flourishes.

I知 aware that I致e more likely than not shown up far too late in marriage to be able to win my W back from that sense of hopelessness. I知 moving on as clearly what I致e been doing hasn稚 been working. If this was a work situation I would have moved on long ago. Obviously with marriage the emotions are hotter than work, but I really wished I could go back and changed the way I responded to my W back when she was grasping for me to be there for her. I feel crestfallen that I excelled at work while my marriage fell apart.

Thank you for your perspective.


覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
Married: 12 Together: 14
Me:41 W:42
S:11 S:8
Bomb dropped 2/2014
I moved out 5/2014
No formal separation
Discovered A: 1/2018
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard