It actually went well. I just finished sending my L updated documents. I just didn't really think too much about it, but there's such a time crunch because of the holidays. It's been a couple of months since my last meeting with her, so she we reviewed his filing, then where I had left off. I'm sure she's forgotten where I stand on the D, but she started in giving me my options and it seemed fast. Almost like - ok, let's submit and/or I can call his L and let him know we're ready to negotiate. I had to stop her and ask her what was the bare minimum I needed to submit. I told her that I know we had discussed including the $50K as a gift up front. I said I am not interested in fighting it, but I would like to see what he puts on the table before I reveal what I want/am willing to give up. She said, that's what she'd recommend. I don't know if the prep. of these documents made me think this was what would be included in my response. Either way, she understands I just want to submit the minimum and he can do the heavy lifting.
Clearly, this is all new to me, but I realize how much I need to be an advocate for myself. In the past, my personality has been if someone is an authority on a subject, I try to trust their judgment. I realize if I'm not comfortable, I need to open my mouth and at least voice my opinion.
This is rough to be dealing with this 5 days before Christmas, but it's what has to be done. I won't have the finalized papers until tomorrow, but oddly enough, I'm somewhat relieved. Up until this point, feels like I've had to mostly be reactive to advoid H drowning me. Now I'm getting to choose how I respond and have it be strategic rather than reactive. None of this feels great, but a little power in my corner for this powerless situation, is a win.
On another note, FIL's bday is Friday and SIL was not feeling great about having H celebrate with her and her family. She says not only does she just want to have a peaceful time, but she doesn't want to meet OW and the same goes for Xmas. She says many of her aunts, cousins feel the same and wanted to invite H but ask him not to bring her. It goes without saying how I feel about that, but I've chosen not to reach out to even wish FIL happy bday. I don't want to know. I'm sure I'll be told, but leading up to it, I want to enjoy my weekend and not know they were celebrating like a family. I'm sure that's the nice picture of it and the reality is it will be awkward (to put it mildly), but the idea H is so comfortable taking OW to meet family, makes me want to puke. I'll be at a friend's housewarming/Xmas party with my sister enjoying myself, so at least I'll be GALing and not home.
Thanks for checking in peace. Thoughts/comments, always appreciated!
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
You sound like you are doing quite well ,considering Im glad you feel empowered..that must mean you are taking care of you
The D is a business deal..no niceness..business the LBS has to make sure they get what they want, need and deserve or the MLC and OW will try to take more
Im glad you will be with your sister and friends for the holidays..enjoy
Best not to think about H and OW..we never know what it is really like at their camp for now it may seem fun and wonderful for them but that quickly fades
you are doing the real work and well he is doing nothing and going in the opposite direction from the thing he wants the most..happiness and peace watch and see all the best
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think I am doing well, surprisingly. There are good times and bad times, but no longer are they days long.
You hit the nail on the head - I felt empowered. I wish I didn't need to feel empowered in this situation, but it is a much better place to be, if I have to.
I am fully trying not to dwell and what is no longer and only focusing on me and the moment... trying. I know you are right and this is just temporary smoke and mirrors. I wish his quest wouldn't involve hurting me and my son, because I do wish he'd have the happiness and peace he seeks. I truly do. That sometimes gets clouded when he's hurtful.
watch and see I know you're right. You've written other things, that have come to fruition. I stand to the side, taking care of me, watching and seeing.
How will you be spending the holidays? I hope will be enjoying with family and friends. Sometimes in this all-consuming life event, I forget to ask about others.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
"Clearly, this is all new to me, but I realize how much I need to be an advocate for myself. In the past, my personality has been if someone is an authority on a subject, I try to trust their judgment. I realize if I'm not comfortable, I need to open my mouth and at least voice my opinion. "
Truer words have never been spoken, LAJar. Good for you for recognizing this and empowering hourself. It's so hard, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
I can attest to the importance of this, 100%. My ex was a finance guy so I trusted him with our finances... Why wouldn't I? He controlled it all. That was one of his roles in the marriage. Big mistake on my end!!! I thought he was looking after us. Turns out, he was only looking after himself the entire time.
Now that we are no longer a team, I had to empower myself and ensure that this gets remedied (as much as possible). He can get mad all he wants... He doesn't get the final say in what's fair and he's having a fit about it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... Maintaining the strength to power through this might be hard because it's a difficult road, but I know you can do it!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I am doing well and so many good things are happening for me sometimes things take time--we are here to grow and when moving it that direction doors will open in our best interests I see that in my life in many areas This weekend is packed with FUN Fun Fun family and friends--and I'm super excited-
I love that you are thinking forgiving kind thoughts for H That is I think the best thing we can give ourselves and them--forgiveness Overtime I think of xh I acknowledge the fact that he is suffering as I know he is and I wish him the highest and best..all the things I want for myself I wish for him It FREES me resentment is a losing feeling..peace and love are what I want
All the best
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
