New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Zues126]

Boom. Nice post Sandi.

I wanted to add a point about GAL. The main purpose of GAL is not to distract yourself or make WAS curious. The main point is to meet your emotional needs elsewhere.

See, we all have some basic human needs. Companionship. Someone to witness our life. Acceptance. Approval. Admiration. Respect. Purpose. Identity. And so on.

Too often during a M we look to our partner to fill all of these needs. This not only leads to resentment when they can't, but we stop seeing them as a person. We start seeing them as our path to happiness. They have this halo around them, they represent our salvation, we can't imagining living without them. Without them we'd shrivel up and die, right?

Well, when you GAL all of that changes. You start to take charge of your life again. You define your own identity outside of your WAS or your M. You look to others for companionship and support. You join groups that make you feel part of a community, accepted, appreciated. You do things that give you a purpose. You take responsibility for your own happiness and start filling your own cup.

One day you'll look back at your WAS and instead of seeing a magical goddess that has the powers to grant or deny your soul happiness, you'll see something else. You'll see a miserable woman who is acting like a selfish brat. The spell will be
broken.

This is how why GAL leads to detachment. From there it's so easy to just shrug and walk away, to handle the situation the way you would if any other woman on the planet started screaming and spewing at you. Who needs that, right?

Now, if the day comes she calms down and realizes that she's being a brat and wants to have an adult conversation with you, you can listen. But it won't be you trying to convince her to save you. It will be her trying to convince you to give her the time of day.

And if that day never comes, you'll know you did everything possible to save your M by not enabling her waywardness, and you'll be glad you invested your time and energy into taking care of yourself.

[Zues126]

Oh, and if the day comes you end up in piecing, it will be much less pressure on your marriage when you are in the habit of looking after yourself instead of expecting your partner to be able to fill all of your needs.

[petri]

In my sitch W has told that if you don't behave like this and this I'll get my own bigger apartment. When I finally told her to get that apartment I saw what Sandi and all other "oldtimers"(sorry) write about. They kind of freak out. My W gave reasons immediately: it takes time to find an apartment, it takes time to get the money for rent, it may take months etc...it was actually funny to read them.

[Joe2017]

Sandi:

That was an amazing set of posts. I read what you put here as well as petri's thread. I will read and re-read them while I go through this process.

What I have done to show WW that I'm dumping her:
Told her that her problems are no longer my problems.
Told her that I am not going to be her friend.
Told her that I don't have anything to talk to her about unless it is about money or kids.
Told her that her attorney can contact my attorney any time a D topic has come up.
Any in-person or telephone communication is ended by me.
I go out and have fun on my own or with friends and I don't tell her about it.
Removed myself from the phone plan.
Moved my money, changed my bank account to one she cannot control.
Went no contact.

So once I realized how backwards dealing with a WW is, I decided to just do OPPOSITE of everything I really want to do as the old husband. Everything. I went no contact, I don't respond to her unless it fits the rules, I don't talk to her in person unless I absolutely have to.

I GAL, and I go out and do things. I work out. I'm taking classes at night. I went to a couple concerts. I went to a football game. I'm planning on going to a NYE party with friends. She has been stalking my SM and whatnot, making comments to me about my posts. I never respond.

I have been 99% no contact (besides business) since before Christmas, when I took my kid to stay at a friend's while I visit family. She went from texting me every day and being ignored, to trying to use kids and money as a loophole to start conversations but still getting ignored if it is BS. When she realized that I am only responding in one-sentence emails about REAL BUSINESS matters, she went on a really crazy rant over texts saying that I've created distance between us, and accusing me of trapping her in our home (lol) and has been silent for the past two days.

She has been doing exactly what you said, Sandi: temperature checks. When she got back no emotions from me over the course of almost 2 weeks, she lost it.

Like petri, when my WW was told to leave the house she freaked out and told me that she didn't have the money, had no resources, had no family or friends to help her, and that I'M the one who should move out. When I took the MBR back and she got really mad but surrendered it to me. When I am firm with her, I get much less emotional crap back from her.

So, again... I am going back to the home next week. I will go back to the "neighbor" approach while I am there. Until then, I plan on having a great time for NYE and I really believe I am going to be better off in 2018. I'm planning on being out of the house more and doing more things for myself.

I feel like the past 2-3 weeks I have done a much better job of DBing, but my emotions are still damaged. I have done some healing, but I know the ride is not over. I have a decent poker face so I'll be using it a lot.

Thank you so much for being an amazing resource for us LBS's.

[sandi2]

Wow, I'm impressed, Joe. That is an excellent list that describe all the ways of dumping your WW. That sounds terrible when wording it that way, but as long as everyone understands how it is meant, that is the important thing.

I will go back to the "neighbor" approach while I am there

Remember, it's a nosy neighbor that you don't want to hang around and give them information about your personal business. My favorite analogy is how you interact with a store checkout clerk. That sums it up quite nicely, IMHO.

When I am firm with her, I get much less emotional crap back from her.

I use to add that the H should be polite, etc. But then LBH's would let it become such a stumbling block, that I've about stopped suggesting they not act like a jerk. Just kidding, a little bit about the jerk part, but seriously don't get hung up over being all this or that. I'll just say to remain calm, and do not allow her to get you worked up. If she starts threatening, saying anything about being afraid of you, etc.......get the heck out of there. I've heard of too many trumped up charges by WW's. Just don't ever cow down to her! If she knows you are scared, she's beat you.

I don't think it is necessary to tell her anymore about how you are dumping her. Just enforce it, and let her experience it.

I hope you will check here before you make any great big decision, okay? Not that you can't think for yourself, but it's such an emotional uphill for you guys that it is easy to jump ahead of yourself.

I can't remember if it was you that I recently told not to repeat to your WW the things you read on the board. I'm sure it is tempting to most newcomer LBH's, and it probably sounds like a good thing to do at the time. However, she will know that it doesn't sound like "you". It usually comes across as if the LBH is trying to say something impressive to his WW. In which, that's not good. She does not need to see inside your toolbox, which is the DB advice you receive here. Also, make sure she doesn't see your history if computers are shared.

Good job, Joe. Just continue to prepare yourself emotionally for your trip home. Oh, and another tidbit. Stay alert, or else she will catch you unprepared. There have been so many guys who have said, "She caught me with my guard down". Never underestimate a WW and how selfish, low handed or vindictive she can be. Pray that someday she will get her eyes opened and work to find herself again. I pray it will happen for her and her family's sake. I know you are going to be fine, Joe, with or without her. So, start practicing now. ((hugs))

[Joe2017]

Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot to me. I was lucky enough to find out about LRT somewhere around the week 2 mark, and then found this forum and decided to ask for help here.

Around the 2.5 week timeframe, I stumbled a few times trying to have the R talk. She hugged me one time after a conversation about the truth about her A (I got partial truth). I posted here about it and got admonished, and learned to see how my actions were weak. That never happened again.

The last time I mentioned R was when I got served and I told her that I would R with the old W but not this new WW person that she is now. That was around week 3. That's when I started digging in my heels on NC, and have dug them in even deeper.

NC has solved a lot of problems with arguing. However, I do really miss my W. Not the WW but my W. For the past week and a half I've had no physical or voice contact. I know I'm headed into a crapstorm when I return to the house with my boy. And it will be emotional. I am going to practice my standard responses in the mirror before I get back home.

I had played with the idea of a R talk to try to get her to choose recon over D but I posted here about it first and got slapped a few times by you all. Lol. Thank you for that.

Oh yeah, I had gotten the tearful and remorseful "I miss talking with you" thing from her a few days after I got served. I told her that she filed for D so we don't have anything to talk about now except money and kids. Man that was hard. It left her dazed, so at least something was going on up there (I hope).

I mean, it has really only been 6 weeks since BD. That's not a lot of time. I haven't had sufficient time to heal from the initial shock of the situation. I think I started DB at a relatively early stage in this process, though.

Maybe it was soon enough to make an attempt at recon. But, maybe not. Either way, the worst thing that happens is D.

And either way it goes I will be a much more rounded person who is also physically fit and more interesting. And God willing, happier.

[Vanilla]

You want R between a new W and Joe2018 don't you?

V

[Cadet]

New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2773178#Post2773178