25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[kml]

Phew - thanks for the info

[25yearsmlc]

I am alive, in the process of healing and settling with h. Or VERY soon to be ex h. Our divorce will be finalized soon, especially since HE wants to be declared single asap (not shocked that he's probably wanting to be engaged of married asap, b/c if he doesn't marry her, then he might look as if he's blown up a family merely for a place/job? Oh, wait, he did that a decade ago when he missed our d28's junior/senior year of high school. And then most of our d20's second half of life in home.



SO I hired a PI. Very Jerry Springer of me and yet, my PI guy tracked h to work (yes WORK, not "retirement") and his name is on the building--- I mean seriously? AND H advertises presentations on the procedures they offer now and has added credentials and renewed his medical license (but wait, he "retired" and that was why he cut our d20 off of college...) Christ I think literally everything he wrote to her in the "cut off tuition" letter was a lie and she must know that by now.

ouch.

and his brazenness....Name on the building!

Then I saw his expenses of him and his OW and HER Daughter and all their travels

while our youngest works 2 jobs and is cut off. I will never understand his choices b/c we do not share the same moral compass.

but then his offer for "global settlement" (as opposed to just spousal support) was upped. I know he will earn a lot more and I know he's hidden money. I could keep fighting for more but I want to live my life and I had a clause put in about whether he's hiding assets and I discover it, they are mine, not just half.

I still have other things to say about spouses who take all the savings and then leave...or file.

As for the settlement, It's not fair or equitable, and he 's a bullying liar with a cruel streak, but it is "enough" for me, and I would like to be done now. I have a life to live. If I'm smart with money (and I will be), I don't care if h wins the lottery. And I'm better off than 90% of the women on the planet, I'll be alright.



More later....

I appreciate you guys a lot.

[Jim1234]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad to know things are moving forward for you. Amazing that he thinks your are too stupid to figure out that he's working. I'll be honest, though, if he's in a hurry to get this finalized so he can move on, I think you ought to hold his balls to the fire, and make him increase his offer. A LOT. I'd really like you to get so much more than half that it discourages other people from trying to do the same kind of thing.

And I LOVE the clause where you get ALL of any hidden assets.

[25yearsmlc]

Jim

To be clear, I'm done. And glad to be done.

Not holding his feet to the fire, b/c I literally had to borrow tens of thousands of dollars to pay my legal fees, and he will always out resource me.

My leverage is NOT his remarriage (God forbid I ever look as if I'm blocking him from his happiness)

it's that he'd have to spend the rest of his working life looking over his shoulder for another PI

but that was not cheap either. Lesson 1 - I think I should have hired the PI sooner

and LESSON 2

I basically did 90% of the legwork for my case. IF I'd known then what I know now, I'd have worked harder on it myself.

Not impressed with my lawyers. The "Global settlement" means it's ALL done and that I waive the right to pursue other things like legal fees, etc. But the overall amount went up and that was enough to cover parts of it. Global settlements tend to help the higher earner and IF I had more resources and more of my life time to spend on this, I would - but I don't. I'm done standing still but I'm not caving either.

Lesson 3 - I think that we are ALL supposed to do most of the legwork, to be honest. Saves US money and frankly, we know our spouses/cases better and a LOT of the people I meet in divorcecare who are down the road post divorce

tell me they did a lot of the paperwork and legwork and the rest, NOT their lawyers.

The most professional professional I "met" in this situation was my PI, whom I never physically met but hired up in Alaska. Man, he was on top of things and took photos and learned about the brand new truck (my L's did not know of it) --in 2 days.

Fact is ALL of my legal fees were charged or borrowed, and that put me at a huge disadvantage

which is what happens when you have a neurological event that impairs you. And I'm VERY Lucky to have family & friends from whom I could borrow that amount of money.

(I shake my head when I think of the people who don't have any resources...OMG we - WE ALL have to pay it forward when we can.)


I have financial security & I have okay health insurance for life.

It's true that - H gets to earn a gazillion dollars I helped him to earn,

(our son was 8 weeks old when h switched careers to go to medical school and even when I worked full time, h did what H wanted. It had nothing to do with whether I was earning money - my T helped me see this) - that's true.

AND I spent many years at home with our children thanks to h's income, so that I know their childhood friends and am in frequent contact with them

and I know my children know they are loved by their mother.

This knowledge comforts me greatly, b/c they have been deeply affected by this divorce, despite their age.


I'm okay. And doing well in MY LIFE, is what is best for THEM, in terms of what I can control.


ALSO I will write (at a minimum) an article about the experience. The same credit union that I've been a member of for 30 years, let my h block me from even accessing INFORMATION about the account, based on an un notarized paper, and when I brought the affidavit to show that I was impaired at the time, it made NO difference.

We Had to subpoena the information and even then they did not reveal the new truck that H bought through them (on his "retirement income", which was the same as mine and believe me, "we" would not qualify on that income and the rent he claims OW is charging him - almost exactly what I pay in rent). The PI is who discovered that.

There are 3 other officer's wives in my divorce care group who had the same problem with this military credit union (and I'm a veteran too, btw).


Spouses who take marital assets in an attempt to defraud the other, need to face an actual loss of assets.

The trump card h had that I did not expect was that he filed for "disability" from the VA and somehow got 80%. Included sleep apnea, a back problem and a knee problem.

The week before our trial - he got their rating and THAT was what my lawyers feared. They had a legit fear that a judge would say "oh, he's a disabled veteran, 25 gets no spousal support." etc.

you may recall I actually herniated a disk while active duty, and have metal in my leg but never felt that filing for disability was appropriate.

And H never once complained to me of a back injury. Ever. In 35 years....

and he hurt his leg last April playing racquetball. Society has evidently made a decision to feel good about itself by handing out money for BS claims

while short selling veterans in other bigger ways.

ANYHOW the divorce is going to be finalized any day now. No need to debate money now.

It's enough & I'm okay with the amount.

Sometimes when change is forced on us, it also makes it clearer that we ought to embrace it.

[KGuy]

Good to hear that the agony of the divorce process is over for you and that you are okay with the amount you received.

I think you are right on thinking welll on the time that you were able to spend with the kids by being able to stay at home (on his dime). Those moments are worth more than anything and i wish that i was able to spend more time with the kids like that. I did the same with my W when our kids were first born. I am happy that i was able to handle the bills for that time the W was able to take off (only a year for the 4 y/o and a few months for the 2 y/o) because i think the kids (her kids as well) really benefited from that. Not sure she is as grateful for the time she was able to spend because of our M, but maybe someday she will be.

Sometimes when change is forced on us, it also makes it clearer that we ought to embrace it.

I couldn't agree more. I am going through some changes as well that its becoming clearer that i should embrace them more fully.

[RAI]

25! So glad you are passing this enormous hurdle. XW was very dishonest in the D and had the collusion of my ex-laws. All very egregious. Nevertheless, on the 1-year anniversary of my D (actually it was the Jewish D, a writ of D called a "Get", I sat around the table with my children reminiscing about the year that had passed, and we all agreed that it was a GREAT year. 25, if you can remain thankful for what you have, and avoid the rear-view mirror, I am sure that the best it yet to come!!

Did you ever make your Must Have and Must not Have list?

Best,

RAI

[BluWave]

(((25))) I am still silently following. Glad to see you are through some major hurdles! You are an inspiration to all.

Blu



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2780226#Post2780226