Have you read "tough love". You need tough love with your W, sister and BIL. You need to create a conflict. You need to approach this situation head on. You need to go to this party call your W, your sister and BIL in a room and let them have it You are trying to 180 a situation that needs to be broken apart.
I'm confused how you driving your W and kids and dropping them off at your sister and BIL house and leaving is any different then not taking them at all.
Your W is not respecting you. Do you think spending time with your family in this capacity is gaining you any respect from your W.
When your W was making those complaints about you not spending time with the family, was that before or after the A started?
You need to get your respect back worry about your kids then worry about spending time as a family. I don't understand why the coaches are telling you to just keeping going along witb whats currently going on.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
On the dropping my W off...the difference is time as a family. A couple weeks ago, my W insisted on taking 2 cars to the same location fir 8 hours of driving. Simply put, we both drove 8 hours, and I drove 8 hours by myself, while my W drove 8 hours with the kids.
On the Christmas trip, my wife suggested we take 2 cars again. I suggested we take one. We had great laughs telling stories during the 8 hours of driving. If I had refused to take my W to my sisters house, that would have stopped one get together with my BIL, but it would end the possibility of us traveling as a family in the future.
I have read most of the book youre referring to...the wuestion is how does stopping get togethers solve anything...and what is the outcome?
My sister is not going to never allow her husband to attend family events, and should things work out with my W, she will need to be able to attend events.
If the affair was with a stranger, then my W could go forever without seeing the OM. ...not the case with my BIL, sister, and me.
Specifically, what recommendations are there for this new years celebration?
I honestly do not want to be out of town again. My wife shared the plans with my kids before talking to me, so they are looking forward to the trip....8 hours of driving for new years with my family. Yes, my W ignores my requests and visits my family...
I am really trying not to tell my family, but it is getting harder and harder to keep it from them...
Last edited by Cadet; 12/29/1707:56 PM. Reason: combine posts
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
You need to change something... Your W is spitting in your face. I think it is time for $hit to hit the fan. Your W is showing 0 respect to you. 0!!! That $hit needs to change if there is to be any hope of resurrection...
Last edited by Cadet; 12/29/1707:52 PM. Reason: start a new thread
I guess it might have to come fown to my whole family knowing what is going on...then my W will be excluded from my family gatherings. This mass sharing of the affairs goes against everything the DB program and coaches advise...
So what? She should be excluded from family gatherings! My God, she is having an affair with your sister's H! And you were advised to just play along and not cause any waves.......just in case by some miracle she doesn't D you?
In her book, Divorce Remedy, MWD writes that if your spouse refuses to end the A, then you need to get a D. If you want me to give you the page number, I'll find it and post it for you.
From what I have heard from other board members, the coaches do give much softer & easier advice to their clients. When I was a wayward wife (like your W), I did not want anyone knowing about my A. When I was new to the board, I fought tooth & nail the advice to expose the spouse's A to anyone......b/c I was thinking from the mindset of the WW. There are very few exceptions I have made........but when it is within a family.....and the WW is threatening you with her plans to continue going to all the family gatherings? Yes, I think they did need to know something very wrong is going on, and you can decide how much to tell them. However, since you and your sister seem to be two peas in a pod in the way you think, maybe the family would not support you, IDK. Maybe they would just turn a blind eye and pretend nothing indecent is happening. I am flabbergasted by both of you, quite frankly. I can see your sister's reasoning for not wanting the rest of the family to know about her H (since she is believing he wants to work on their M), but I cannot understand why she is being so cozy with your WW and inviting her to things. Maybe it's a front, or maybe she thinks it's best to keep her enemy close,.....or maybe she doesn't understand the addition of affairs. But I can tell you that it is not best for your WW and BIL to continue seeing each other at these family events. As long as this A has gone on.....they would have to stop ever seeing each other. And, that's exactly what sticks in your craw.....isn't it? You cannot stand the thought of such a possibility. Sorry, but I doubt that you get it both ways. If you would study about the addiction of affairs, it might open your eyes.
I am not in favor of mass exposure by the H of his adulterous W. I suppose it's b/c it makes him appear very vindictive and wanting to punish her deeply. I also believe he is a protector of her in many ways. However, she removes herself from his umbrella of protection when she blatantly disrespects him....so, there is just so much he can do. Do you know what I mean? In other words, you don't have to expose her to the community. But if words gets around about her and the BIL (b/c she didn't end the A), you probably can't stop it.
Anyway, I don't think I've seen anyone talk about mass exposure to you. If so, I missed it. You wanted advise about what to do before Thanksgiving. We gave it. We gave it from that point till Christmas, even when you stopped updating. I know I was holding my breath to hear something from you, and then you come back sounding angry at the board. We are here to help. If you don't want it, then that's your choice. Everyone here does not agree 100% with each other, and some don't see eye to eye on everything the coaches advise. We don't know what was shared with them, or exactly how they advised you....or what you actually heard. That's just how it is. I'm going to say this, and then I'm probably through giving my two cents worth.
This disrespect is within your M, your sister's M, and within your family. The reason I was suggesting you tell your parents and siblings, was in order for the family to be aware to discontinue inviting your WW to all the events. Her A will not end with the BIL as long as they are meeting at these family gatherings. But, if it's your decision not to share this knowledge with your parents and siblings.....then so be it. At the very least, I think you should inform them that your WW wants to end the M.....and request your family members to support you by discontinuing inviting her to gatherings, until you can explain more at a later time. If the D goes through, then you can explain to your family why you requested they stop inviting her. If your WW doesn't go through with the D, and you can live with the two lovers seeing meeting at family gatherings.....or insist they never see each other again.....that's your choice to live with.
Everyone here is free to make their own decisions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You seriously need to listen to Sandi. You have been tolerating this behavior and the outcome isn't getting any better. It has actually gotten worse. So its time to change the plan a bit. Your W has no problem laughing and joking with you as long as she benefits in some way. Your W needs to experience some sort of loss and maybe even some shame. Trust me you can not nice your way into making your MR work. My question for you is great about your W that your holding on to?
I have said it before... I don't believe this is what his coach is advising him... If that's the case, he should just stop the counseling sessions because he was already doing what he says his coach is advising him... I do not believe it... His sitch is the worse on these boards, and to simply maintain it makes no sense...
Last edited by Cadet; 01/01/1808:45 AM. Reason: start a new thread
