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SumtmzY Offline OP
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Hi. I'm new here. I've read Michele's books, and so glad I found this forum. Have been lurking for weeks. Some background on my situation:

Pretty sure H has been going through MLC. A year ago, he changed his hair and style of clothing drastically, started reflecting on how unfair it was that he never was successful in music (he's a tech writer and never really, honestly, made music a priority in our 22+ years together). No As in all our time together.

I have clinical depression w/ suicidal ideation and abandonment issues. About 5 years ago, I slipped into the deepest depression of my life, almost ended it, but on H's encouragement, sought help. I underwent a 6 month program where I learned tools to save my own life. That program ended only 8 months ago.

5 weeks ago, we went to see our marriage counselor (who we started seeing when I began my program), and H dropped the bomb. He said, "I can't do this anymore." He wouldn't say he wanted a divorce, only imply it. He blamed it on the fact that after an ex (the one that got away) connected with him on FB, I did a stupid thing and logged in to read their messages (his were innocent - she sent a bikini pic and hinted that she still thought about them having sex - they were 17 then....H is now 42).

2 weeks after that, H and I were talking and I had to basically drag the word "divorce" out of him. At first, he agreed to getting legally separated for a year (so I can have his medical, as I'm self-employed) and going to 6 months of counseling so we can both acclimate. Two days after that, he changed his tune and said straight divorce, no counseling. He sees his own therapist - and I suspect she tells him what he wants to hear. Our marriage counselor doesn't.

That's when I learned about 180 and read the books. For a week and a half, I went about my business, keeping my tears in check until he was at work. Playing things nice and casual. Over the past week and a half since I started DBing (so 3 weeks total), he's been calling me pet names, hugging me, having sex with me, has kissed me (more than a peck) twice, cuddling with me on the couch, etc. This past Sunday he said we should go see our marriage counselor.

Now normally, this would be a good thing, right? Except the last time we'd discussed our R (3 weeks ago), we'd agreed to see our MC to discuss how to tell our kids. So now I don't know if I'm walking into an appointment with him wanting to talk logistics of divorce, or if he's having second thoughts. My therapist says to ask him, but I'm afraid to break the pleasant bubble we've been in lately.

I'm confused and scared and hurt and have no one to turn to. This man has been my soulmate for half my life....and he's acting like a stranger. This past week and a half has been full of glimpses of the real "us". I'm just so scared he still wants a divorce.

Any insight you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

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SumtmzY Offline OP
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Forgot to add: over this past week and a half, he now talks about future plans. "Next year", "In January", etc.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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I'm sorry you're here and dealing with this.

I wouldn't read too much into the future. You can't get an answer out of him because he himself doesn't know. He's obviously a roller coaster right now. The answer he would give would depend on his mood when you ask him. It's like a scale bouncing around, you have to wait until things settle down a bit.

Your biggest challenge will be to detach so you don't bounce along with him. If every time he says "next year we should..." and every time he says he's "done" it rocks your world then you're going to go emotionally bankrupt. You're going to get fed up. Unfortunately many people can't detach, so when they get fed up they think they need to force the other person to change. Since they can't force them to be in the marriage, they end up forcing the other person out of the marriage. They couldn't handle limbo so they forced their partner to put the nail in the coffin. This isn't really necessary. It IS possible to find some type of peace within the storm of your partners crisis.

It won't happen overnight. It is a bunch of small experiences that you can learn to respond to differently, finding ways to meet your own needs through GAL, and learning to find joy in the small moments of today even when you can't tell what the weather will be like tomorrow.

For now just keep posting, stay calm, and have faith that you'll get through. You've made it through your darkest hour, you can make it through this. Looking forward to your next post.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Sum,

Mine can't say the word either. We are almost two years from bomb drop and a year from me kicking him out and no progress on the divorce front.

Stop worrying about what happens at the marriage counselor. I insisted on talking through the logistics of telling the kids and then he wouldn't do it. He just slunk off in the night. The MLC guys keep saying they are going to do x,y,z and then never do.

If it's MLC it is a long, hard slog. Keep rereading the book. When you go to the MC just validate. Don't be the raging W. He will likely just use any admissions you make to justify his position. In one of our few MC sessions I admitted to being controlling on a particular issue (his caginess after I learned about the affair) and now in every conversation he can he brings up how I'm controlling.

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SumtmzY Offline OP
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Thanks, guys. Right now I'm focusing on GAL and lovingly detaching. I think you're right, OwnIt, about validating H at MC. I'll stick to it. That's why I don't want to ask before MC - I fear it will give him something to be angry about. Ammunition, y'know? He seems to look for things, tiny pebbles, in my words and actions, to become upset about. So I give him nothing. Mostly, I just go on with my life and don't let him see me rattled.

He has a history of emotional knee-jerk reactions. He also has a history of running away from troubling emotions (his parents divorced when he was 6, and his mom never expresses any emotion but happiness in front of anyone). I'm curious if this will be a first MC session....or just the one. I hope the first. But I have no control over that, over any of it. I only have control over me.

I can't control the storm. I can only weather it.

Something that really gets me is that right before he actually said "divorce", he looked at me and said, "I love you. I'm still in love with you. I don't want to hurt you. I have to." It takes me right back to "believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see". He's not making sense to anyone right now - not even himself, I suspect.

Yesterday he was making more plans for the future. I don't contribute to those plans. Then this morning, he didn't hug me goodbye before he left for work (he usually does). I didn't try to push a hug on him. I just acted like it was no big deal and went about my morning.

I have no idea what I'm doing. Just sticking to the books and working on me. What else can I do?

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Last night was pleasant. He mentioned "next year" a few times, but I didn't encourage it, just let it roll off like water from a duck's back. This morning, in email, he said he's in a good mood today, but not great. That he's "feeling contemplative". He has an appt with his therapist after work. I can't help but wonder what he's contemplating (still leaving? staying with me? the nature of the universe?), but didn't ask. Just validated, wished him a continued good day, and got on with my morning.

We have a history of emailing throughout the work day. I've been backing off lately on how quickly I respond. He noticed, as he's commented as much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or if this distance will push him away. But I don't want to be "clingy" - something he's accused me of in the past.

I'm nervous about tonight. We're supposed to go on a ride (motorcycle) after he gets home, but he's always so distant after therapy...I worry that distance will taint what is a shared experience that we both love and enjoy together. But I keep my lips zipped.

Hopefully tonight will go well...

Also, our MCer texted to say he's looking to see if he can get us in next week.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Originally Posted By: SumtmzY

I have clinical depression w/ suicidal ideation and abandonment issues. About 5 years ago, I slipped into the deepest depression of my life, almost ended it, but on H's encouragement, sought help. I underwent a 6 month program where I learned tools to save my own life. That program ended only 8 months ago.


Very sorry you went through that. Hard to say if your H is going through MLC, the things you mentioned are very typical of a WAS as well. You say you went into depression 5 years ago but ended a 6 month program 8 months ago, so does that mean you went untreated for 3-1/2 years? Was your H trying to get you help and you refused during that time? That could very well have started your H down the WAS path, he may have decided to stick it out until you were well but now that you are he's decided it's time to go.

Quote:
He said, "I can't do this anymore."


That is word-for-word the BD I received from my XW. Literally exactly the same. I didn't even know what she was talking about at the time, it could have been work or fighting or anything. I didn't know she meant the marriage.

Quote:
Over the past week and a half since I started DBing (so 3 weeks total), he's been calling me pet names, hugging me, having sex with me, has kissed me (more than a peck) twice, cuddling with me on the couch, etc. This past Sunday he said we should go see our marriage counselor.

Now normally, this would be a good thing, right?


No, not right. Not this soon. He wants to tell you something bad, but he doesn't want to do it alone so he wants to do it in front of the MC. All the stuff he's doing does not mean he wants to recon, it means he's trying to placate you, to soften you up for his leaving. It's not unusual for WAS's to do have sex, talk about vacation plans, then in the exact same evening map out the divorce details. It's very confusing for the LBS but you'd be surprised how often we hear these things here on the forums.

Quote:
I'm confused and scared and hurt and have no one to turn to. This man has been my soulmate for half my life....and he's acting like a stranger. This past week and a half has been full of glimpses of the real "us". I'm just so scared he still wants a divorce.


First of all, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes he still wants a divorce. But that's how he feels NOW. That will probably change but it will be months or a year or more down the road. Don't worry about what he says right now, it's all WAS "script". When you see how similar your sitch is to others here it'll leave you wondering if they all use the same playbook. It doesn't mean you won't recon, what he says now is coming from a place of hurt and confusion.

You're talking about detaching but then saying you're having sex with him, planning future events, etc. That's not detachment, not at all. Please read the book again. Read Sandi's rules too:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57

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